Demons Are Useless

Looking at the lineup of people and dog arranged from tallest to shortest, Evenson initially felt rage rising in his chest and evil growing in his heart. But in the end, it was replaced by a profound sense of helplessness. He had no one to blame but himself. He had not thought it through before summoning them; after all, what kind of Sorcerer did not have minions? Wouldn't that be like an egg pancake without eggs? Yet after summoning them, he realized just how horribly wrong he had been.

First was this hulking man, already over two meters tall. As for his face, it had broken through the boundaries of human aesthetics. He was covered in bulging muscles and scars, with a visage so ferocious it was practically a crime against humanity. In short, he was the sort of person who could be tossed onto the street and make ordinary people call the police without doing anything at all. If he stood outside a small police station, the officers inside would get leg cramps and immediately call for backup. His true identity was a Demon Guard named Tyler. He excelled at wielding an Arclight Axe, possessed extensive and savage combat experience, and if he went all out, he could even trade a few moves with the Hulk. He was currently Evenson's strongest minion. But this big guy lived by one creed: fight, fight, fight. See someone, hack, hack, hack. If he disliked the look of someone, he would charge forward and split them in two vertically or cleave them in half horizontally with his Arclight Axe. If he was in a bad mood—or too good a mood—he might do both, vertical and horizontal. Once the excitement of successfully summoning him faded, figuring out where to put him gave Evenson a headache for quite some time. Fortunately, the master-servant contract kept him from chopping people up everywhere under Evenson's orders. But there was no use expecting anything else from him. A Demon Guard really could not do anything except fight. So now, he served as the shop's bodyguard. Aside from occasionally using his two-meter height, massive build, and savage face to intimidate street punks, he just sat in a recliner watching entertainment channels. He did not do anything else, and he could not do anything else. Evenson's assessment was: this damn guy is an ancestor I have to worship.

Next in line was Miss Sarah. This woman was downright bewitching. Not only was her face alluring, but her figure was even more so. Every inch of her radiated an attraction toward male creatures. Even without makeup, a single seductive glance from her could make a man go weak all over. As for her true identity, you could probably guess it without being told: she was a succubus. Her weapon was a very queenly black leather whip. Her combat ability was passable; in a head-on fight, Captain America could take her down. However, combat was not her specialty. She excelled at using invisibility to sneak behind enemies and launch ambushes, or using charm to disrupt them and create chances for the Sorcerer or other demons to attack. Since she was the only female demon and fairly intelligent, Evenson had her handle cooking and housework. She had also worked part-time as a cashier. But because of that nation-toppling face of hers, the famous—well, not actually famous—Richter's Curiosities had nearly been mistaken for a brothel. More than once, Evenson had been asked by creepy bastards, "How much for a night with that woman?" Normally, when a succubus encountered someone looking to get laid, she would happily agree, then drain their life force and soul at the height of their pleasure. Sarah's response, however, was to kick them in the balls, because she was a lesbian. Yes, this succubus girl, who held immense appeal for most men, was a woman who liked women. Evenson's assessment was: damn it, I thought I might finally lose my virginity.

Third was Dumen, a generally gloomy fat man. There was nothing particularly remarkable about his looks, except that he was rather round and dark-skinned. His true form was a Voidwalker, commonly known as a blue fatso. This demon, which had no flesh-and-blood body and was entirely composed of shadow elements, was exceptionally good at taking hits—and exceptionally good at making others want to hit him. One look from him could make you feel as if he owed you at least eight million and had no intention of paying it back. That was the use of a Voidwalker: relying on his durability to taunt enemies like mad, drawing all their attention to himself so his Sorcerer master could seize the chance to deal tons of damage. Sometimes, he could even split off part of himself to become the Sorcerer's shield. In short, he was a defensive demon. In everyday life, he showed no signs of life at all. Going a whole day without saying a word was normal for him, and staying in one place all day without moving was child's play. Once, Evenson did not notice that the bastard had stood motionless in a corner for three days. If Evenson had not remembered him, he could have stood there even longer. So what could anyone expect from someone with terminal laziness spread throughout his entire body and severe autism? Evenson's assessment was: at least this thieving fat bastard doesn't eat.

Fourth was a Husky. Huh? Hadn't he said there were four people and one dog? Why was he already introducing the dog? Yes, there were four people and one dog, but do not forget that he was introducing them in order of height. That was right—the dog was not the shortest. This Husky was, naturally, a hellhound named Hubbs. He excelled at energy absorption and tracking. In the real world, he kept watch for strangers or people with hostile intentions nearby. As for anything else, what could anyone expect a Husky that disappeared the moment it was let off the leash to do? Evenson's assessment was: don't be fooled by his dumb, adorable exterior. When you receive that cash-on-delivery order of luxury dog food, you can't exactly tell the courier your dog placed the order himself, can you?

All right, the last one was a pointy-faced gnome, two centimeters shorter than the Husky. His most common line was, "I'm going to burn through your knees." If he were talking to Yao Ming, it would only be his calves. His true form was an imp called Topsy. Imps had extremely fragile bodies and were naturally timid. But in truth, they were exceedingly evil and cruel, especially when they appeared in groups. They were born with an affinity for fire. Though they looked weak, imps could cast fireballs comparable to those of mages, while certain powerful imps could rival an Archmage—though fireballs were the only spell they knew. When they appeared in groups, their courage seemed to receive a boost, making them remarkably fearless. They would launch suicidal attacks, rushing at their enemies and blowing themselves up. To avoid being accused of abusing the disabled, Evenson did not give him any work to do. Of course, the fact that he was not even as tall as the shelves was another reason. Evenson's assessment was: can someone tell me why something so small eats so damn much?

"Demon minions. They were supposed to be my capable assistants, but now I'm the one serving them instead. Good thing I have a way, or they'd really eat me into bankruptcy," Evenson complained. Obviously, this little shop could not support Evenson and this entire household. He had many methods, such as robbing people who tried to rob him and buying Stark Industries stock. Most importantly, he had found another path: while other Sorcerers traded souls to demons for knowledge and power, he traded souls for Gold Coins.

Imagine a demon saying in an unfathomably profound tone, "Mortal, do you crave power? Do you crave knowledge? As long as you offer a sacrifice, I can grant them to you."

And the person across from him took out a soul crystal and asked, "Um, do you have Gold Coins or gems?"

The demon said, "No."

Evenson said, "Goodbye. Next."

The demon said, "Hey, wait, about that power..."

Evenson said, "Sorry, I'm in a hurry. Hanging up."

The demon said, "Hey, wait, about that power—hey, hey, what the hell? Where did this lunatic Sorcerer come from?"

Just as Evenson was worrying, Richter's Curiosities finally welcomed its first customers of the day. A man and a woman walked in, and Evenson's eyes immediately lit up. Damn, he had finally made a sale today.