Chapter 35

"Li Zhuiyuan, you've really become even more disgusting now."

At that moment, Li Weihan, Cui Guiying, the Li family's brothers and sisters, Aunt Zhang, and several villagers who had come to the convenience store to buy things that evening were all watching Li Zhuiyuan with smiles and curiosity.

Everyone was quiet, yet eager.

A simple yearning for beautiful things was human nature.

Nothing moved onlookers more than a mother and son separated by great distance yet still able to hear each other's hearts.

Li Zhuiyuan still gripped the receiver tightly with both hands. The shy look on his face not only failed to fade, but grew even stronger. He turned slightly, seemingly trying to avoid everyone's gaze, but to them, it looked more like a child's coy resistance.

Everyone found the scene adorable. Their smiles widened as they waited with slightly parted lips for the conversation to continue.

Though they could not hear the voice on the other end of the receiver, they could imagine what the child's mother was saying and asking from the child's responses.

"Mom, I'm doing very well at home. I'm being good."

"Shouldn't you be angry? Shouldn't you furiously slam down the receiver? Shouldn't you cry or make a fuss? Shouldn't you question me, your mother?

Oh, right, you wouldn't.

Heh heh.

They're standing in a circle around you, watching you, aren't they?"

"Mom, I don't miss home that much. I'm very happy here."

"Li Zhuiyuan, you've only just met them for the first time, and they've only just met you for the first time since you were born. Do you really need to keep performing in front of them?"

"Grandpa and Grandma are very good to me. Pan Zi, Lei Zi, Yingzi, Shitou, Huzi, and all my brothers and sisters are very good to me too. They all play with me."

"Li Zhuiyuan, you're really hypocritical. You clearly look down on them deep inside, thinking they're ignorant and stupid, yet you still insist on building up your image in front of them."

"The village is so much fun. There are fields and irrigation ditches. We can catch fish and frogs. Grandma's sauce is delicious too. Grandma said you loved eating it when you were little, Mom."

"Don't you get tired, my son? How can you enjoy this game so tirelessly?"

"I also went to Xianghou Ayi's home. Xianghou Ayi told me lots of things about you from before, Mom. Lots of people still remember you."

"I'm really something, giving birth to a son who disgusts me this much."

"Is work keeping you busy over there, Mom? Grandpa and Grandma hope you'll take good care of yourself, eat on time, and not wear yourself out."

As he spoke, Li Zhuiyuan looked toward Li Weihan and Cui Guiying. The elderly couple nodded vigorously, signaling for Li Zhuiyuan to keep talking.

"I originally thought I could control it, but your birth was like a mirror, reflecting the version of myself I hated most. Li Zhuiyuan, do you know that every time I saw you over the past few years, I had to restrain the urge to strangle you to death?

Every time you called me 'Mom,' it sounded like a demon's whisper in my ears."

Li Zhuiyuan nodded as he listened. To everyone else, it looked as though he was obediently accepting his mother's loving instructions. They could all but guess that she was teaching him various things over the phone: be good, listen, don't be naughty.

"I understand, Mom. I know. I get it."

"I worked so hard to patch up this skin of mine. Every morning when I woke up, I had to stand before the mirror and repeatedly convince and reassure myself.

But you always wanted to tear open this skin of mine again and again.

You are me, and I am you.

Li Zhuiyuan,

we mother and son

are both monsters wearing human skin."

"I understand, Mom. Don't worry, I'll be good."

Li Zhuiyuan pressed his ear to the receiver and gently swayed his body, like a child growing impatient with a parent's nagging, feeling a little embarrassed, yet sweetly pleased all the same.

"Your father once helped me control my condition. Marriage also helped me to some extent. I should have returned to the right path, until I gave birth to you.

Your birth destroyed all the effort I had put in over so many years.

In my eyes,

Li Zhuiyuan,

you are a mistake that never should have happened."

"Mom, can you send some more snacks? Those cookies—we really like them. And some stationery too. Everyone likes my pencil case. I promised I'd give them some."

When Shitou, Huzi, and the others heard that, they excitedly hugged each other.

"I should never have tried to find a way to cure you after discovering your true nature. Every failed treatment on you felt like witnessing another defeat of my own.

My life was already bleak. You were the one who completely snuffed out my last bit of light.

Little Yuan,

why don't you just die?"

"Mom, you too."

"If you had sensibly died early on, perhaps it would have stirred up my maternal instincts, wouldn't it?"

"Mm, I won't."

"I'm going to take part in a secret project. The project is highly dangerous, and I don't know whether I'll come back alive."

"Mom, take care of yourself. I'll worry about you."

"I'm telling you this because if I die, I don't want these sincere words to stay buried in my heart, never having had the chance to tell you. I think we need this kind of honesty between us.

Actually, you've always understood. Just as I can see through you, you can see through me too, can't you?"

"Mm, I'm listening. I'll remember it, Mom."

"You chose this road yourself.

When your father and I divorced, no matter how desperately he begged you, you firmly chose to follow me.

Your father always thought I was ill, that I was finding ways to torment the two of you and bring pain to both father and son.

But he didn't know that his son was a demon even more terrifying than I was. Every display of fatherly love he made was nothing but a complete clown show in the eyes of the son he loved so deeply.

He was heartbroken. He has already applied to join a polar expedition project.

When I wanted to change your surname back, your grandfather disagreed. You were the one who insisted on changing it.

Your grandmother said that if you left with me, you were never to enter the house again. Yet you still clutched my sleeve and left with me.

Li Zhuiyuan, did you think doing all that would move me and make me change my mind?

All I felt was an endless, irritated scream in my heart:

Why?

Why were you so determined to cling to me and keep tormenting me?"

"Enough, enough. I know all of it, Mom. You don't need to say any more. I know."

"Tomorrow, I'll be entering the project team. I don't know whether I'll return safely. I only hope that if I do come back alive, there will no longer be any trace of you in my life.

I've thought it through, and I've made up my mind.

Li Zhuiyuan, I'm going to shake you off like a stubborn plaster.

I'll transfer your guardianship to your father's side. Although your father isn't around, your grandfather and grandmother should be more than happy to take you in. After all, you're a child capable of entering the gifted youth class. You can be the pride of their family."

"I don't want anything else. Just send the snacks and stationery, Mom. New styles."

"I know you won't want that. You'll still cling desperately to anything connected to me, which is why I sent you back to my hometown, a place I will never return to for the rest of my life.

I'll transfer your guardianship to my father. Your household registration and school enrollment records will all be transferred there.

I'm grateful for this project. It has given us ample convenience to arrange our family relationships."

"Mom, I'm living at Great Grandfather Li Sanjiang's Home now. Great Grandfather likes me and asked me to stay with him for a while. Great Grandfather is very nice."

"I understand."

"Mm, that's all, Mom. I'm giving the receiver to Grandpa now. Grandpa still wants to talk to you."

Li Zhuiyuan held the receiver and waited for a while. Only after hearing footsteps recede on the other end, followed by approaching footsteps, did he reluctantly hand the receiver to Li Weihan.

Li Weihan held the receiver. "Hello, Lanhou. Don't worry, Little Yuanhou is doing quite well here. We'll take good care of him."

Li Zhuiyuan did not want to stay any longer and watch Grandpa chat with Aunt Xu.

"Grandpa, Grandma, I'm going back to Great Grandfather's place for dinner."

Cui Guiying hurriedly said, "Go on, then. Don't keep your Great Grandfather waiting. In a while, your grandfather and I will go ask your Great Grandfather when you can return to secular life and come home."

"Okay, Grandma. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, Grandpa. Goodbye, everyone."

Li Zhuiyuan waved goodbye to everyone, then turned and left.

Run Sheng followed behind Li Zhuiyuan. He was hungry, but he did not dare remind the boy or urge him to walk faster.

He had always felt that the boy had two faces. Although the boy always called him "Brother Run Sheng," it sounded different when there were many people around from when it was just the two of them.

The first carried the warm respect of calling someone brother, while the second sounded as though his name itself was Brother Run Sheng.

Still, he was not curious enough to figure it out. His grandfather had said he was stupid, so he should not waste his mind trying to understand what smart people were thinking.

He felt that the boy was in low spirits. All he could do was walk slowly beside him.

Meanwhile, his mother's words on the other end of the phone echoed through Li Zhuiyuan's mind again and again.

What comforted him was that his mother had not spoken so much to him in one go for a long time.

But he knew that those words were not truly meant for him, her son. They were more like words she was saying to the self buried deep in her heart.

And his mother saw her son as the embodiment of that cold self within her.

If it were him, if that expressionless version of himself in the cabinet mirror were to become his child someday, he would go mad too. He would become hysterical too.

After exhausting every thought and every ounce of strength trying to conceal and suppress that coldness, it had ultimately become a child who clung to her every day and called her "Mom."

At that moment, Li Zhuiyuan smiled.

He found it interesting, like a ridiculous, satirical black-and-white silent film.

He stopped walking and crouched beside the small canal by the road.

It was already dark. At that moment, the canal water could reflect only a pitch-black face.

Li Zhuiyuan looked at that face, yet did not know who it was.

Run Sheng crouched down beside him as well and silently lit an incense stick.

Li Zhuiyuan picked up a pebble from the side and threw it at his reflection in the water.

"Plop..."

After rippling in circles, it immediately returned to normal.

He knew his mother was beyond saving.

Tonight's call was her way of giving up on herself. She was tired. She was despairing. She would completely abandon her struggle, no longer resist, and would merge with it.

Looking at it in a more positive light, this call had been her final confession.

Though it was filled with ugly words, curses, and maledictions.

At the same time, it truly carried hatred, even jealousy.

Her human skin had completely torn apart, and she wanted to tear off her son's skin too.

So, Mom, after falling completely into darkness, were you trying to find a kindred spirit for yourself?

Was he angry?

Yes.

But Li Zhuiyuan did not know how intense that anger was, because he understood.

Because this was absolute rationality.

She had proven through her own experience that no amount of struggle was useful or meaningful, so she wanted to use this method to spare him that process.

But Li Zhuiyuan was also confused, because she should not have sent him back. She should not have sent him back to Nantong.

Sometimes, one should not only listen to what someone said, but also look at what she did.

If he stayed in Beijing, continued attending the gifted youth class, continued studying step by step, graduating step by step, being assigned work step by step...

As long as he continued step by step, he could become the same kind of person as her sooner.

She would not need to do anything to turn him into her, because his illness had begun earlier than hers, and was far more severe.

But she had still sent him back to his hometown. She said she would never return here for the rest of her life.

Was it because this place was the last fantasy you still held in your heart?

Was this your last protection and hope for me?

Did you think that life here was why your illness came later than your son's, and why you could still marry, have children, and live as a normal person for a time?

Li Zhuiyuan wrapped both hands around his head, pain written across his face. Or was all of this merely wishful thinking on my part?

Run Sheng saw the boy's body begin to sway back and forth, as though he might fall into the canal.

Li Zhuiyuan truly wanted to fall in. He wanted to jump into the canal, slap at the water, cry, and make a fuss. He felt that he ought to vent his emotions right then.

But in the end, he stopped himself, because he thought it would be childish.

Li Zhuiyuan turned his head and looked at Run Sheng, who was crouching beside him.

Run Sheng shuddered and immediately looked away. He did not dare meet those eyes.

Li Zhuiyuan looked at the incense stick in Run Sheng's hand. He reached out and gently grasped its burning tip.

The burning pain came quickly, yet there was not the slightest expression on the boy's face.

Until it reached a critical point.

"Hiss..."

The boy finally released it, pain appearing on his face.

"It hurts..."

Even his voice had become that of an aggrieved child.

Run Sheng turned around. He had just sensed the incense candle in his hand shake, and when he saw the wound on Li Zhuiyuan's palm, he immediately said anxiously and guiltily:

"I'm sorry, Little Yuan. I didn't mean to. I really didn't mean to."

Run Sheng thought that when he had just turned his head away, he had accidentally burned the boy with the lit incense.

"It's fine, Brother Run Sheng. I was curious and grabbed it myself."

Tears nearly welled up in Run Sheng's eyes. Even at a time like this, Little Yuan was making up such a clumsy excuse so that he would not blame himself.

He felt even guiltier. He had actually been thinking all sorts of things, believing that Little Yuan's gaze just now had been frightening.

Li Zhuiyuan looked at the wound on his palm.

Had his condition worsened to the point where he was beginning to seek self-harm?

Li Zhuiyuan stood up and said, "Brother Run Sheng, let's go back."

"Your wound..."

"It's fine. I'll ask Aunt Liu for some ointment to put on it."

When they returned home, everyone in the yard was still eating dinner. They had probably deliberately slowed down, waiting for him to return.

"Little Yuan, was that your mother calling?"

"Yes, Great Grandfather."

Li Zhuiyuan sat down and, while picking up his chopsticks to eat, recounted his conversation with his mother.

He seemed very happy, utterly delighted.

Just like any normal child, there was always a time when parents were their idols, when every other sentence was about what "my dad" or "my mom" had done.

Li Sanjiang listened with great delight, chiming in from time to time. Li Zhuiyuan answered him every time, which made Li Sanjiang even happier. He kept tapping his bowl with his chopsticks. "I knew it, I knew it! Hahaha!"

Aunt Liu was happy too. She had always been fairly cheerful by nature and was glad to see the atmosphere at home grow lighter.

Even Liu Yumei asked Li Zhuiyuan a few questions.

She sighed inwardly. No matter how smart a child was, he could never change his childish nature.

Run Sheng gnawed on incense while eating, and seeing Li Zhuiyuan act this way, he instinctively assumed that the boy's silence on the way home had only been because he missed his mother.

He had no father or mother, only a grandfather. So as he watched Li Zhuiyuan eagerly tell everyone about her, a wistful look gradually appeared on his face.

So having a mother was such a happy thing.

Only A Li silently set down her chopsticks.

She liked watching the boy's expressions, but though the boy before her looked excited and happy, there was no light in his eyes.

After dinner, Li Zhuiyuan practically dragged Li Sanjiang to Zheng Datong's place to get some medicine.

A shot would have worked better, but Li Sanjiang refused no matter what.

After they returned, everything went on as usual.

Run Sheng sat in front of the television, watching TV while smoking incense.

After Aunt Liu cleaned up the stove and kitchen, she got busy coloring the Paper Crafting.

Li Zhuiyuan coaxed A Li into going back to sleep with Grandma Liu.

Behind the house, Li Zhuiyuan carefully finished practicing his horse stance.

When he returned to the second floor, he saw Li Sanjiang pouring laundry detergent into his hands.

A basin of hot water sat on the stone slab beside the Water Vat, with a towel hanging nearby.

"Great Grandfather..."

"Your Great Grandfather got congratulated again."

"Congratulations."

"Get lost, you little narrow-backed shovel!"

"Hehe."

The call from his mother had interrupted things, and only then did Li Zhuiyuan realize that the issue with the fortune on his body had yet to be resolved.

Unfortunately, he could not ask Great Grandfather directly, because even Great Grandfather did not understand it himself.

So what exactly had this transaction, which had consumed so much fortune, bought?

Li Zhuiyuan returned to his bedroom, switched on the desk lamp, and took out Liu Clan's Qi Gazing Art.

He opened it and frowned.

He missed Wei Zhengdao's handwriting.

Of all the sets of books he had brought up from the basement, Wei Zhengdao's were the most comfortable for him to read.

Suppressing his discomfort, he carefully read on, page by page.

He did not know whether he was gradually adapting to the charm of that chicken-scratch handwriting,

or whether the contents of Liu Clan's Qi Gazing Art were truly profound and mysterious.

The more Li Zhuiyuan read, the more engrossed he became, until he could no longer stop.

This book discussed the feng shui principles of rivers, lakes, and seas.

It was a very specialized branch. In the usual sense, "feng shui" dealt with broader layouts. Water was merely one part of it, while mountains and land were the main focus.

After all, whether the living made their homes or the dead lay in eternal rest, they were generally on land.

But this book focused on waterways. It covered water burials, water prisons, water calamities, and more, while mountains and land became supplementary material instead.

From a practical standpoint, an analogy could be made.

If one truly understood other feng shui books, then while traveling through famous mountains and great rivers, one might feel something and think: there might be an ancient tomb here.

After finishing this book, when standing at the bow of a boat, one might suddenly sense something and point ahead: there might be a Death Collapse here.

Li Zhuiyuan did not rush to continue reading the Liu Clan's book. Instead, he picked up Qin Clan's Flood Dragon Observation Method and took a look.

He found that its theme was the same. It seemed that the Liu Clan and the Qin Clan had once both been great families of equal standing along the river.

Their themes were the same, but their approaches and methods differed.

This was immensely beneficial for a learner, as the two could verify each other and deepen one's understanding.

As long as he understood both books, his grasp of river and lake feng shui would become extraordinarily profound.

He glanced at the time. It was time for bed.

Li Zhuiyuan put the books away, turned off the desk lamp, took a basin to wash himself, then returned to his bedroom. He lay on the bed, folded his blanket neatly, lay down, and went to sleep.

A quarter hour later, Li Zhuiyuan sat up. He could not fall asleep.

No matter how powerful his habitual behavioral logic was, it could not suppress the impact his mother's call had on his heart.

He pushed open the door, walked onto the terrace, sat in a wicker chair, and stared blankly at the dark night sky.

After an unknown amount of time, Liu Yumei opened the East Room's door. Seeing her granddaughter heading outside, she only had time to drape a cloak over her.

When she looked up and saw the boy sitting on the second-floor balcony, Liu Yumei felt a jumble of emotions.

Had spending the day together not been enough? Were they going to play together at night too?

But when she saw the boy's indifferent expression, she became confused. Hadn't the child been fine during dinner? Why was he like this now?

Did he miss his mother at bedtime?

Though a child's nature was a child's nature, Liu Yumei felt that this little boy should not have been so fragile.

He looked exactly like A Li had when she used to sit behind the threshold.

Soon, she saw her granddaughter appear on the second floor. The girl sat down in the wicker chair beside the boy.

After a while, the girl actually took the initiative to share half of her cloak and cover the boy with it.

Liu Yumei's eyes widened. Her granddaughter had actually taken the initiative to show concern for someone?

A Li had been staying at Li Sanjiang's Home for some time, but her condition had only been kept under control and had not worsened. There had not been the slightest improvement.

It was only after that boy had moved in with his Great Grandfather that A Li's condition began to show signs of improvement, like droplets of water finally appearing on a block of ice.

But no matter how much she had improved, it could not compare to this single day and night!

First, she had learned to nod and shake her head to express herself. Now she could even take the initiative to show concern for someone.

Liu Yumei raised her head, refusing to let her tears spill from her eyes too quickly. She had truly seen hope for her granddaughter's recovery. Perhaps it really would not take much longer.

She went inside, sat before the Offering Table, and pointed at them.

"A Li got sick because of your irresponsibility too. If even a trace of your spirits had remained back then to protect her according to tradition, A Li would never have become like that."

Picking up a towel and wiping her tears, Liu Yumei said through sobs,

"If I'd known smashing your Spirit Tablets would help A Li's illness, I would've chopped you all up for firewood long ago."

Li Zhuiyuan did not know when the girl had arrived. It seemed she had already been there for quite a while. Something had been draped over his back, warm and soft.

"You're here?"

The girl looked at the boy. This time, she took the initiative to hold his hand. Then, as though she noticed something, she lowered her head and pried open his palm.

There was a wound in his palm.

Her fingertips stroked it.

It was a rare moment of tenderness. A smile could not help appearing at the corner of Li Zhuiyuan's lips, but it quickly froze.

Because all five of the girl's fingers pressed against his palm, and her five neither-long-nor-short nails stabbed directly into his flesh.

"Hiss..."

Li Zhuiyuan jerked to his feet in pain, his body nearly twisting around.

"A Li, it hurts, it hurts..."

They said ten fingers were connected to the heart, but the palm was still soft, sensitive flesh. The girl's five nails pierced deeply into it and continued to press harder.

It felt like a rake plowing through his hand.

Earlier, when he had crouched beside the irrigation ditch and reached out to grip the burning incense in Run Sheng's hand, he truly had not felt pain. That was because he had not been normal then.

But now, he was normal.

Begging for mercy seemed to have lost its effect. The girl who had always listened to him now seemed to be ignoring him.

Her eyelashes trembled, her body shook, and the light in her eyes vanished, replaced by numbness.

A dangerous aura radiated from her body.

Whenever she had erupted before, the boy only needed to hold her hand to calm her. But now, it was the boy's hand that was making her eruption worse.

Li Zhuiyuan pulled his hand away from the girl.

The girl's body gradually calmed down. Her eyelashes stopped trembling, and her eyes lowered.

She turned around and walked toward the staircase.

The cloak that had covered them both slipped down. Li Zhuiyuan picked it up, intending to drape it over the girl.

But as he approached her again, the girl stopped, and her back began to tremble.

Li Zhuiyuan had no choice but to stop. He even took several steps back.

The girl returned to normal and continued forward, disappearing down the stairs.

Soon, the girl appeared in the courtyard. The East Room's door had not been closed, and she walked inside.

Li Zhuiyuan stood on the second floor, still holding that red cloak.

The girl had once loved collecting everything connected to them. Now, she not only rejected contact with him, but also rejected anything that had touched him.

Li Zhuiyuan lowered his head and looked at the five bloody cuts in his palm, still bleeding.

It hurt badly, yet he was not angry. Instead, he felt deeply guilty.

His left fingers wiped away the blood, exposing the burn at the center of his palm.

He knew why the girl had suddenly become angry.

Because she had discovered that the person she had placed her hopes in to help her climb out of the abyss was actually walking into it of his own accord.

The greatest torture in the world was to first give someone hope amid despair, then personally snuff that hope out.

She had already grown used to it.

Li Zhuiyuan rinsed his wound, found a clean strip of cloth to bandage it simply, then returned to his bedroom.

Once he lay down on the bed, he did not know whether sleepiness had truly come over him, or whether he subconsciously yearned for dawn after a night's sleep, for everything to return to normal.

In any case, he fell asleep.

He slept lightly. Many times, he woke from brief stretches of sleep with unexplained palpitations, but he did not open his eyes, forcing himself to continue sleeping.

At last, after who knew how many times, he felt a clear brightness through his eyelids.

Dawn had come.

He turned his head and opened his eyes. No one sat in the chair by the door.

Li Zhuiyuan took his washbasin and walked out of his bedroom. As he passed Great Grandfather's room, he saw through the screen door that Great Grandfather was not in bed.

After washing up, he went downstairs, but did not see Run Sheng at the first-floor table either.

He had not slept especially late today, so why was everyone up so early?

Li Zhuiyuan walked into the courtyard. Aunt Liu came out of the kitchen. "Little Yuan, morning. Breakfast will be ready soon."

"Aunt Liu, where's my Great Grandfather?"

"The Village Chief came before dawn and called your Great Grandfather to the town government. He said it was urgent, so Run Sheng took your Great Grandfather there."

Li Zhuiyuan nodded, then turned his gaze toward the East Room.

Behind the East Room's threshold sat a girl in a black dress. Her feet rested on the threshold, her gaze fixed straight ahead, devoid of emotion.

"Little Yuan, Little Yuan, come over here quickly."

When her granddaughter had not risen early as usual that morning, Liu Yumei had sensed that something was wrong.

After getting up and dressing, she found her granddaughter carrying a stool to sit behind the threshold.

In that instant, Liu Yumei felt as though the sky had fallen!

Now, the boy was her only hope.

Li Zhuiyuan walked toward the East Room. As soon as he got somewhat closer, the girl's body began to tremble, her hands slowly clenching unconsciously, while red flickered in the depths of her eyes.

Liu Yumei immediately reached out to stop Li Zhuiyuan from approaching. She went over, crouched beside her granddaughter, and softly comforted her again and again.

Her granddaughter's reaction was even more intense than when strangers approached her before.

Li Zhuiyuan retreated some distance. After seeing that the girl had calmed under Grandma Liu's soothing, he bit his lip and drew a deep breath.

Yes, just as he had thought before falling asleep.

After one night of sleep,

everything had returned to normal.

"What? Say that again. I didn't hear you clearly!"

Li Sanjiang sat in the Civil Affairs Bureau office and slapped the table. He had heard them clearly, but he did not dare believe it.

The director of the Civil Affairs Bureau and several staff members could only patiently explain it to him again, even though this was already the fourth time.

They too had received a notice from higher up that a matter required special handling and urgent approval, so they had arrived early and waited at work.

In truth, after seeing the faxed documents, they had also been utterly baffled.

There was actually such a procedure these days?

"Sir, your name is Li Sanjiang, correct?"

"I brought my ID and household registration booklet. Is it or isn't it?"

"Yes, yes. Actually, the matter is already very clear. Now it depends on whether you're willing to sign. If you're unwilling, we'll send these documents back."

Li Sanjiang picked up the pen in a daze,

then asked,

"Once I sign this, Little Yuanhou will be added to my household registration?"