Unnameable, Indescribable Complex Emotions

This program was produced by Tomato Listening.

Episode 3: Unnameable, Indescribable Complex Emotions.

As for periods coming only once every few months, Lin Yuzhu thought of Lin Mother's sturdy build. She didn't seem like there was anything wrong with her, and she had given birth to one child after another, which put Lin Yuzhu somewhat more at ease.

For Lin Yuzhu, who suffered so badly every month that she wanted to die, this was practically a blessing.

Don't tell him this was abnormal, that it was an illness and needed treatment!

No, he absolutely would not treat it!

Who could understand how he felt like dying every month?

The sisters had nothing more to talk about, and Lin Second Sister soon fell asleep again.

But when Lin Mother came home from work that afternoon, she sent Lin Yuzhu out to buy soy sauce. When he returned, he saw Lin Father squatting by the doorway. Curious as to why he wasn't inside, he timidly called, "Dad."

Just as he was opening the gate to enter the courtyard, Lin Father stood and said, "Daughter, wait a moment."

Lin Yuzhu was stopped by Lin Father and found it rather novel. Over the past month, Lin Father had said fewer words to him than he could count on one hand. It looked like Lin Father had deliberately waited for him.

Lin Yuzhu looked at Lin Father in confusion. Lin Father pulled out a bundle of money from his pocket and handed it to him. It looked like quite a bit, though the denominations were small. At a glance, it looked like secretly saved private money.

"This is ten yuan. Take it with you when you go out. A poor family still needs money for the road, so spend carefully. Once you get there, you'll only be able to rely on yourself."

Lin Yuzhu looked at Lin Father's aged face. The concern there was genuine. Then he looked down at the money in his hand, his feelings indescribably complicated. He had once believed Lin Father didn't care whether the original owner lived or died, but today proved that wasn't entirely true.

These days, ten yuan could buy a great many things. For Lin Father, who had secretly stashed away private money, it counted as a huge sum.

Lin Yuzhu couldn't help asking, "Dad, where did you get this money?"

Lin Father's old face reddened at the question. He felt it was embarrassing for his child to know he had hidden private money, and he was too ashamed to explain. After placing the money in his youngest daughter's hand, he opened the gate and went inside, muttering, "Kids should be kids. Why do you remember things so well?"

Lin Yuzhu stared at the money in his hand. If the original owner were still alive, she would surely be happy right now, wouldn't she?

The less love a child received, the more they craved it. Perhaps even this tiny bit of concern was enough to make her immensely happy.

Though he had been healthy and hadn't died in an accident in his previous life before transmigrating to this era he had desperately not wanted to come to, the fact remained that he had taken over someone else's daughter's body.

Or perhaps by the time Lin Yuzhu had transmigrated, the original owner had already been buried deep in the earth. Either way, that was no reason for him to accept her father's love with a clear conscience.

The original owner had craved her parents' care so badly. Lin Yuzhu put away the money. He would consider it borrowed, and once he had money later, he would make it up to them. After all, he didn't know what conditions would be like in the countryside.

No matter the era, the truth that a single penny could stump a hero was unshakable.

When Lin Eldest Sister came back, Lin Yuzhu told her about menstrual supplies.

Lin Eldest Sister was rather surprised after hearing her third sister. The third sister who had worn nothing but her and Second Sister's hand-me-downs since childhood rarely had ideas of her own. After considering it, she found getting menstrual supplies wouldn't be difficult and nodded in agreement.

Seeing Lin Eldest Sister agree, Lin Yuzhu was delighted. "Sis, how much will it cost?"

"When Mom gives me money, I'll pay you back."

Lin Eldest Sister shook her head and said with an amused smile, "Hey, how much money could you possibly have? Big Sister will pay for it."

As she spoke, she rubbed Lin Yuzhu's head.

An eldest sister was like a mother. Lin Yumei had held Lin Yuzhu more often than Lin Mother had. In this era, every household had older children looking after younger ones, and Lin Yuzhu had practically been raised by her. There was naturally a certain closeness between them.

Lin Yuzhu hadn't expected Lin Eldest Sister to offer to pay. He felt a little embarrassed, as though he were asking her for things.

At that moment, he realized that no matter how well he played the original owner's role, he wasn't truly the original owner. There were many things he couldn't accept with a clear conscience.

Originally, he hadn't felt anything after living with this family for a while. Yet after Lin Yao left, he instead began to feel a few ties binding him to them. It was truly bizarre.

When he packed his things the next day, Lin Yuzhu discovered that the original owner didn't have many clothes either.

Winter wasn't particularly cold where the Lin Family lived, and the padded clothes he found didn't feel very thick. Based on his experience from his previous life, they probably wouldn't withstand the Northeast's cold. It seemed he would have to figure out how to get some cotton later. Just as he was about to put the padded jacket and trousers into his bundle, Lin Mother came in.

She hadn't gone to work on time that morning. Seeing Lin Yuzhu packing the padded clothes, she hurriedly said, "Don't pack those. They might get stolen on the train."

Lin Yuzhu's expression stiffened. If he didn't take them, was he supposed to wear only thin clothes in winter?

Seeing her third daughter's reaction, Lin Mother said displeasedly, "What kind of expression is that? Would I let you freeze?"

"You'll be on the train for more than two days, maybe even three. If you fall asleep and they get stolen, who are you going to cry to?"

"Besides, what use would such thin padded clothes be if you took them there?"

"I'll have your eldest sister save up cotton over the next two months. As soon as there's any, we'll use coupons to buy it and make your clothes thicker."

"I heard they wear wool sweaters and trousers there even in autumn. I'll save up some yarn coupons and buy two jin of yarn to knit for you, then send it over with you."

Lin Mother felt that lately, this youngest daughter looked at her as if she were a stepmother. So ungrateful. She had raised her with her own hands, only to get this result. Other little daughters were soft and affectionate with their mothers—just look at hers.

The small flame of anger in Lin Yuzhu's heart immediately went out, and he gained another layer of understanding of Lin Mother.

After all, she was her biological daughter. Though she didn't particularly like the original owner, she still kept her in mind.

Only then did Lin Yuzhu nod and continue packing.

Lin Mother sighed, took out seven Great Unity notes, and placed them on the bed along with some coupons. Looking closely, they were all grain coupons—National Universal Grain Coupons.

Lin Yuzhu had seen them when helping Lin Mother queue up to buy grain. Most grain coupons were local coupons and couldn't be used nationwide. Not every household necessarily had National Universal Grain Coupons, which showed that Lin Mother had put thought into specially exchanging for them.

At that moment, Lin Mother's nagging sounded beside him. "Be careful when you're out there. Not everyone in this world is a good person. You're a girl, so be more cautious. Don't let someone sweet-talk you after just a few words."

"I'm telling you, before you get married, you absolutely can't do that. Do you understand?"

Hearing Lin Mother's increasingly serious tone, Lin Yuzhu felt awkward.

He thought that girls in this era were all extremely innocent. Lin Mother must have been blushing furiously when she said that.

He deliberately put on a shy expression to show his attitude and nodded hard. Only then was Lin Mother reassured, though she couldn't help nagging a few more times. "Since I'm giving you money, spend it carefully. There's nothing much to spend on in the countryside anyway. This money might last you one or two years."

Lin Yuzhu was speechless. Hadn't she said he still needed to mail grain back home?

"Oh, forget it. With your temperament, what grain could you possibly get?"

Lin Yuzhu silently said nothing.

No matter what, Lin Yuzhu was now someone with money in hand. With money, he had to go to the bathhouse for a bath. He remembered that when he had first arrived, he wanted to ask Lin Mother for money to bathe, only for her to coldly reply, "Why bathe? Didn't you just bathe last month?"

That one sentence struck him like lightning, leaving him scorched inside and out.

Normally, he could only boil water often and wipe himself down frequently. Now, no matter what, he had to go to the bathhouse for a proper bath.

When steamed buns made from white flour cost only twenty cents per jin, a bath actually cost him twenty cents too. White flour buns were such a coveted thing these days!

With that money, Lin Mother would rather buy a jin of steamed buns.

Because it was the fifth day of the month, he went early. There weren't many people in the bathhouse. Lin Yuzhu soaked alone in the pool and let out a long, comfortable sigh. Thinking again of Lin Mother's seventy yuan, he felt that Lin Mother wasn't someone who completely disregarded whether her daughter lived or died.

Lin Yuzhu couldn't help wondering: if he hadn't come and the original owner had truly died from a fever, would Lin Mother have been sad?

The answer was certainly yes. How many parents in this world could truly not care whether their children lived or died?

Lin Yuzhu shook his head, clearing away those unnameable, indescribable complicated feelings. Frankly, he simply disapproved of Lin Father and Lin Mother's way of raising their children.

If one said he was standing up for the original owner, then the question was this: if it were you, would you be willing to have someone who had taken over your body confront your parents and turn your family upside down?

In his view, no one had the right to make decisions for someone else. How did you know what they thought? You believed you were seeking justice and revenge for them, but had you asked whether they wanted your revenge?

Lin Yuzhu felt he had no right to hate the original owner's parents on her behalf. Perhaps the original owner had never hated the parents who gave birth to and raised her. Even if she had inexplicably died from a fever, wasn't it like the daughter who resented her mother so deeply after the Tangshan Earthquake, yet ultimately softened her heart?

Lin Yuzhu's own father and mother had also been severely neglected by their parents. It wasn't as though they had no resentment, but no matter what they said, they were always extremely filial before their elders. They never even contradicted them face-to-face, though whether they listened was another matter.

When their elders passed away from illness, his parents cried as though they wanted to die. Only then did he understand their contradictory words and actions. In their hearts, their parents' neglect was insignificant compared to being separated from family. Their love for their parents had never diminished by even a fraction.

People in this era had values different from his. The ideas they had absorbed from childhood leaned more toward filial piety, so he couldn't seek justice for the original owner.

At first, Lin Yuzhu didn't know what feelings he should use to face Lin Father and Lin Mother. Originally, he had thought that once he went to the countryside, they would go their separate ways and each live well. Now, though, he hesitated. He didn't need to be especially filial to them, but he should at least fulfill the original owner's responsibilities and not leave her with the reputation of being unfilial.

This was the only thorough thing he could do for her.

As for being sincerely filial, that was unlikely. After all, he truly couldn't bring himself to feel admiration for Lin Father and Lin Mother.

The original owner's grievances and entanglements with her parents were their own business. Perhaps after a hundred years, their family would settle their accounts underground. In the end, he was an outsider. Having thought all this through, the confusion that had clouded Lin Yuzhu's heart these past days suddenly cleared.