Complex Feelings Beyond Words

This program was produced by Tomato Listening.

Episode 3: Complex Feelings Beyond Words.

As for periods coming only once every few months, Lin Yuzhu thought of Mother Lin's robust physique. She did not seem like someone with health problems, and she had given birth one child after another. That reassured him somewhat.

For Lin Yuzhu, who suffered agonizing pain every month, this was practically a blessing.

Don't tell him it was abnormal, that it was an illness and needed treatment!

No, he absolutely would not treat it!

Who could understand how much he wanted to die every month?

The two sisters had nothing more to talk about, and Second Sister Lin soon fell asleep again.

But when Mother Lin came home from work that afternoon, she sent Lin Yuzhu out to buy soy sauce. On his way back, he saw Father Lin squatting by the door. Curious why he was not inside, he timidly called out, "Dad."

Just as he was about to open the door and enter the yard, Father Lin stood up and said, "Daughter, wait a moment."

Lin Yuzhu was surprised at being stopped by Father Lin. Over the past month, Father Lin had spoken to him so few times he could count them on one hand. It looked like Father Lin had specifically been waiting for him.

Lin Yuzhu looked at Father Lin in confusion. Father Lin pulled out a bundle of money from his pocket and handed it to him. It looked like quite a lot, though the denominations were all small. At a glance, it looked like private savings he had secretly squirreled away.

"This is ten yuan. Take it with you. When you're away from home, a poor family needs a full purse for the road. Spend it carefully. Once you get there, you'll only have yourself to rely on."

Lin Yuzhu looked at Father Lin's aged face. The concern in it was genuine. Then he looked down at the handful of money, and his feelings became indescribably complicated. He had once believed Father Lin did not care whether the original owner lived or died, but it seemed that was not entirely true.

These days, ten yuan could buy many things. For Father Lin, who had been secretly saving private money, it was practically a fortune.

Lin Yuzhu could not help asking, "Dad, where did you get this money?"

The question made Father Lin blush. He felt embarrassed about letting his child know that he hid private savings, so he was too ashamed to explain. After putting the money into his youngest daughter's hand, he opened the door and went into the yard, muttering, "Kids these days, why do they remember everything so clearly?"

Lin Yuzhu stared at the money in his hand. If the original owner were still alive, she would surely be very happy right now, wouldn't she?

The more a child lacked love and care, the more she craved it. Perhaps even this little bit of concern would have been enough to make her ecstatic.

Although he had been healthy in his previous life and had not died in an accident before transmigrating into this era he desperately did not want to come to, it was still a fact that he had taken over someone else's daughter's body.

Or perhaps by the time Lin Yuzhu had transmigrated here, the original owner had already been buried deep in the earth. Either way, that was no reason for him to calmly enjoy someone else's fatherly love.

The original owner had longed so much for her parents' affection. Lin Yuzhu put away the money. He would treat it as a loan and pay it back once he had money in the future. After all, he did not know what things would be like in the countryside.

No matter the era, the saying that a single penny could stump a hero was an unshakable truth.

When Eldest Sister Lin came home, Lin Yuzhu told her about the sanitary pads.

Eldest Sister Lin was rather surprised after hearing what her third sister had to say. Her younger sister, who had worn nothing but her and Second Sister Lin's old clothes since childhood, rarely had ideas of her own. After thinking it over, she decided getting sanitary pads would not be difficult and nodded in agreement.

Seeing Eldest Sister Lin agree, Lin Yuzhu was delighted. "Sister, how much will it cost?"

"Once Mom gives me the money, I'll pay you back."

Eldest Sister Lin shook her head and said with amusement, "Hey, how much money could you possibly have? Your eldest sister will pay for it."

As she spoke, she rubbed Lin Yuzhu's head.

An eldest sister was like a mother. Lin Yumei had held Lin Yuzhu more often than Mother Lin had. In this era, older children took care of younger ones in every household, and Lin Yuzhu had practically been raised by her. There was naturally a certain intimacy between them.

Lin Yuzhu had not expected Eldest Sister Lin to pay for it. He felt a little embarrassed, as though he had asked her for something.

At that moment, he realized that no matter how well he played the original owner's role, he was not truly the original owner. There were many things he could not accept with a clear conscience.

He had not felt much when he first came to live in this family, but after Lin Yao left, he instead began to feel a few ties binding him here. What the hell was that about?

The next day, when he packed his things, Lin Yuzhu discovered that he did not have many clothes.

Winter was not particularly cold where the Lin Family lived. The padded clothes he found were not very thick to the touch. Based on his experience from his previous life, they probably would not withstand the Northeast's cold. It seemed he would have to figure out how to get some cotton later. Just as he was about to pack the padded jacket and trousers into his bundle, Mother Lin came in.

She had not gone to work on time that morning. Seeing Lin Yuzhu packing his padded clothes, she hurriedly said, "Don't pack those. They might get stolen on the train."

Lin Yuzhu stiffened. If he did not bring them, was he supposed to wear thin clothes in winter?

Seeing her third daughter's expression, Mother Lin said unhappily, "What kind of face is that? Do you think I'd let you freeze?"

"You'll be on the train for more than two days, maybe even three. If someone steals them while you're asleep, who are you going to cry to?"

"Besides, what use would such thin padded clothes be if you took them there?"

"I'll have your eldest sister save up some cotton over the next two months. As soon as she gets some, she'll use coupons to buy it and make your clothes thicker again."

"I heard people over there wear wool sweaters and trousers even in autumn. I'll save up some wool coupons, buy two jin of yarn, knit them for you, and send them over with you."

Mother Lin felt that lately, this youngest daughter had been looking at her as if she were a stepmother. How ungrateful. She had raised her with her own hands, and this was what she got in return. Other little daughters were sweet and affectionate with their mothers, but look at hers.

The small flame of anger in Lin Yuzhu instantly went out, and he gained another layer of understanding of Mother Lin.

She was her biological daughter, after all. Even if she did not particularly like the original owner, she still cared about her in her heart.

Only then did Lin Yuzhu nod and continue packing.

Mother Lin sighed, then took out seven Great Unity notes and placed them on the bed, along with some coupons. Looking closely, they were all grain coupons—National Universal Grain Coupons.

Lin Yuzhu had seen them when he helped Mother Lin queue up to buy grain. Most grain coupons were local coupons and could not be used nationwide. Not every household necessarily had National Universal Grain Coupons, which showed that Mother Lin had put thought into specifically exchanging for them.

Then Mother Lin's nagging voice sounded beside him. "Be careful when you're away from home. Not everyone in this world is a good person. You're a girl, so be more cautious. Don't let someone sweet-talk you into following them."

"I'm telling you, before you get married, you absolutely can't do that. Do you understand?"

As Mother Lin's tone became increasingly serious, Lin Yuzhu felt awkward.

He thought that girls in this era were all extremely innocent, and Mother Lin must have been blushing furiously while saying those words.

He pretended to be shy, made his position clear, and nodded hard. Only then did Mother Lin relax. Still, she could not help nagging a few more times. "Save your money. There's nothing much to spend on in the countryside anyway. This money might last you one or two years."

Lin Yuzhu was speechless. Had she not said he still needed to mail grain home?

"Ah, forget it. With your temperament, what grain could you possibly get?"

Lin Yuzhu silently said nothing.

No matter what, Lin Yuzhu was now someone with money in hand. With money, he had to go to the bathhouse for a proper bath. He remembered asking Mother Lin for money to bathe when he had first arrived, only for her to reply coldly, "Why take a bath? Didn't you just have one last month?"

That sentence had struck him like lightning.

Normally, he could only boil water often and wipe himself down. Now, no matter what, he had to visit the bathhouse.

When a jin of white-flour steamed buns cost only twenty cents, a bath actually cost him twenty cents too. White-flour steamed buns were so prized these days!

With that money, Mother Lin would rather have bought a jin of buns.

Because it was the fifth day of the month, he went early, and there were not many people in the bathhouse. Lin Yuzhu soaked alone in the pool and let out a comfortable long breath. Then he thought of Mother Lin's seventy yuan and felt that she was not someone who completely disregarded whether her daughter lived or died.

Lin Yuzhu could not help wondering: if he had not come, and the original owner had truly died from a fever, would Mother Lin have been sad?

The answer was obviously yes. How many parents in this world truly did not care whether their children lived or died?

Lin Yuzhu shook his head, clearing away those complicated feelings that could neither be named nor explained. To be honest, he simply disapproved of the way Father Lin and Mother Lin raised their children.

If he claimed he was standing up for the original owner, then a question arose: if it were you, would you want someone who had taken over your body to confront your parents and turn your family upside down?

In his view, no one had the right to make decisions for someone else. How did you know what another person thought? You might believe you were avenging them, but had you asked whether they wanted you to seek revenge?

Lin Yuzhu felt he had no right to hate the original owner's parents on her behalf. Perhaps the original owner had never hated the parents who gave birth to and raised her. Even if she had died inexplicably from a fever, like the daughter in Tangshan Earthquake who had resented her mother so deeply, had she not softened in the end?

Lin Yuzhu's own parents had also been severely neglected by their parents. It was not as if they held no resentment, but no matter what they said, they were always extremely filial before their elders. They would not even openly contradict them, though whether they listened was another matter.

When their elders died of illness, his parents cried as if their hearts had been torn apart. Only then did he understand their contradictions. In their hearts, their parents' neglect was insignificant compared to separation from family. Their love for their parents had never diminished by even a fraction.

The values of people in this era differed from his. The ideas they absorbed while growing up leaned more toward filial piety, so he could not seek justice for the original owner.

At first, Lin Yuzhu did not know what feelings to use when facing Father Lin and Mother Lin. Originally, he had planned that once he went to the countryside, they would go their separate ways and leave each other in peace. But now he hesitated. He did not need to be especially filial to them, but he should at least fulfill his duty for the original owner and not leave her with the reputation of being unfilial.

This was the only thing he could do thoroughly for her.

As for sincere filial devotion, that was not really possible. After all, he truly could not bring himself to admire Father Lin and Mother Lin.

The grievances between the original owner and her parents were their own business. Perhaps after a hundred years, their family would settle their accounts together underground. In the end, he was still an outsider. Having thought through all this, the confusion that had clouded Lin Yuzhu's heart these past few days suddenly cleared.