Tonight, I'll Have a Couple of Ram Penises to Build Myself Back Up

[Heads-up: this is a romance for a female readership with two male leads. If that bothers you, click away.]

[The author's hopeless at logic. Leave your brains at the door.]

[Dear esteemed readers, don't leave bad reviews. Hit the author instead!]

[Important! Neither lead has been with anyone else! When the bottom transmigrates, the original owner of his body is still a virgin!]

"As long as he's not dead, keep drawing blood. I'll take responsibility if anything happens."

The man's voice was cold and indifferent, like an icicle.

Jian Li slowly opened his eyes and saw a handsome face with sharply defined features.

He opened his mouth to speak, but the doctor in a white coat beside him cut him off.

"Mr. Lu, your younger brother only has a few scrapes. He doesn't need a transfusion."

"Really?" The man raised an eyebrow. "Then refrigerate the extra blood in the blood bank. Save it for next time."

Jian Li glanced at the thick needle in his arm, then looked up at the indifferent man, his lips slowly parting.

"...Draw blood, my fucking ass."

"What did you say?"

The man's hearing was excellent. He frowned, his gaze settling on the face in the hospital bed-a face so beautiful it inspired envy-with a look of apparent disbelief.

"I said,"

Jian Li slowly propped himself up while calmly pulling out the needle,

"I want to smack the shit out of you!"

Before the words were out of his mouth, he deftly swung his arm and slammed his hand into the man's face.

Then, while everyone stood there dumbstruck, he bolted barefoot out of the ward.

His grandfather had told him,

When the enemy was stronger, hit and run.

Jian Li wasn't stupid enough to fight someone head-on after having two huge tubes of blood drawn...

His movements flowed so seamlessly that no one had time to react.

Only the man whose face had been knocked sideways slowly straightened his neck. His sinister gaze fixed on the slender figure rapidly disappearing down the corridor, and his voice was low and vicious. "Let's see how long you can keep running!"

Jian Li ran out of the private hospital and raised a hand to hail a taxi.

But the moment he got in, a wave of dizziness washed over him.

Ha.

Even an idiot could figure this out. It was the aftereffect of losing too much blood.

"Draw, draw, draw," he couldn't help cursing. "If you love drawing blood so much, sooner or later I'll slit your throat and drain yours!"

"Fuck. I hate dumbass male leads more than anything!"

Yes, Jian Li had transmigrated into a novel.

In his previous life, he had been a mercenary serving with an overseas peacekeeping force. He had rescued countless refugees caught in the crossfire, only to die surrounded by bombs after being betrayed by the teammate he trusted most.

When he opened his eyes again, he discovered that he had entered an entertainment-industry novel with two male leads called Spring Imprisons Me, becoming the protagonist who shared his name.

In theory, Jian Li should have been happy to become the protagonist. At least it was better than being one of those malicious male supporting characters doomed to a miserable end unless they worked hard to change their fate.

But here was the catch.

This was a fucking old-school angstfest, and the original Jian Li suffered from the very first installment to the finale...

The other male lead, Lu Siqi, believed the original Jian Li's mother had knowingly become a mistress, using every trick in the book to seduce his father and destroy what should have been his happy, harmonious family. This had directly caused his mother to develop severe depression and ultimately slit her wrists in the bathtub.

He had only been six at the time. When he pushed open the bathroom door, he witnessed that horrifying scene. From that tender age, his mind began to twist, and he started plotting his revenge.

After growing up and taking over the family business, he happened to discover that the original Jian Li, an obscure celebrity, was the mistress's son. But the woman responsible had already died of illness.

With no outlet for his hatred, he unleashed all of it on the original Jian Li, setting off a parade of melodramatic imprisonment, gut-wrenching torment, and endless chasing and fleeing.

His methods were even crueler than those of the animals overseas, and he frequently tortured the original Jian Li to within an inch of his life...

Jian Li had intended to use this toilet reading to ease his nerves before a mission. But before he had even finished ten chapters, he was so furious he practically had a heart attack and constipation, and he couldn't help tearing into it.

After all that abuse, he still wouldn't talk back or fight back? He'd even been manipulated into wanting to atone for his mother's sins through his own physical suffering, and in the end they could clear up the misunderstanding and hook up?

What a fucking new low-so low it needed its own basement!

Jian Li couldn't stomach it. Squatting on the toilet, he posted dozens of furious comments and wanted to mail razor blades to the author. Then, the very next day, a shell blasted him sky-high...

Fine.

Since I'm here, I'll make the most of it.

If I still end up living happily ever after with the male lead,

I'll shit upside down!

The taxi stopped outside his apartment building. Just as he finished paying with his phone, it rang.

Jian Li glanced at the screen, saw it was his manager, and swiped to answer.

"Jian Li, where the hell have you been?"

"I got hauled off to donate blood."

One second I'd just transmigrated, and the next I was drugged unconscious.

What a fucking thrill.

Try that one more time,

and see if I don't break your legs.

There was a vicious edge beneath his casual tone that startled his manager. After a pause, the manager asked, "Mr. Lu's younger brother got hurt again?"

Who didn't know Mr. Lu's younger brother had an exceptionally rare blood type?!

Someone that rare ought to have taken good care of himself, yet he kept getting into accidents and had become a hospital regular.

Ever since they discovered Jian Li had the same blood type, he had become a mobile blood bank.

No matter when or where, one word from Mr. Lu was enough to have him dragged away to serve as a human blood bag.

Once or twice would have been fine. He could consider it charity.

But even an immortal couldn't stand being put through this all the time.

And so, the once-healthy, obscure celebrity was wasting away into skin and bones at a visibly alarming rate...

Thinking of this, his manager cautiously asked, "I just booked you a variety show. It's an adventure survival competition, but with your health...can you handle it?"

"An adventure survival competition?" Jian Li searched his memory and asked hesitantly, "Is it Lone Warrior?"

"That's right." His manager lowered their voice. "I had a hell of a time securing you a spot. There'll be plenty of big-name stars with serious status. All you have to do is stand in the background. You should still get a little screen time and let people see your face."

Patriotic sentiment had been running high lately, and variety shows pushing back against the emasculation trend were becoming popular.

Quite a few celebrities had spotted the opportunity and planned to cultivate an image as Asian tough guys or heroic women.

And this adventure survival show, Lone Warrior, developed by CCTV, had adopted the slogan "Everyone a fearless champion." Its promotion was unprecedented, and it had attracted enormous attention before even airing. Voting for the guests alone had dominated the trending lists for days-it was absolutely the top choice for obscure celebrities and unknowns hoping to shoot to fame.

The Jian Li in the original novel had also taken part in the show. But after being forced to have his blood drawn for so long, he was terribly frail and couldn't keep up physically at all. Netizens had blasted him as a male Lin Daiyu and an embodiment of the warped pale, young, and skinny beauty ideal. His reputation had plummeted and never recovered. Later, Lu Siqi imprisoned him, making public appearances all but impossible...

Having recalled all this, Jian Li curled his lips. "No problem. I can do it."

"Don't push yourself." His manager still sounded worried. "If you can't, I'll find you another gig."

"A man should never say he can't perform."

A ray of sunlight fell across Jian Li's face, making his smile even brighter and more uninhibited.

"Tonight, I'll have a couple of ram penises to build myself back up."