Friendly reminder: This chapter was primarily for entertainment. Only some of its content was worth taking seriously.
An assassin was not some idiot who only knew how to conceal their presence and backstab people; nor were they a fool who went on mindless rampages. An assassin was an incomparably precise—human weapon!
Hello, everyone. I was an assassin, codenamed RK. A genius killer who could make his body and mind work separately.
I had no feelings. (And you had no money!) So I was working for someone else. (And you had no height!) It was fine, I was still young and would grow taller later. (And you had no girlfriend!) It was fine, I would have one later—and more than one, at that. (And you had no integrity!) ...That was enough! Couldn't you at least indulge someone's little fantasies?
My job was to kick down the front door, kill people and set fires, leave no living witnesses behind, then retreat—clean and efficient.
No matter how the other side begged, I could kill without hesitation. If you asked why, it could only be because... I got paid! Hahahahaha!
Hello, everyone, I was back. It did not matter if you did not welcome me. There had just been a tiny accident—I choked on my own saliva. But it was fine; our program could continue.
As you could see, this silver-haired woman with the anti-materiel sniper rifle was my partner in action, and also my grandma. She was responsible for keeping watch and finishing people off. Come on, Natalia, say hello to everyone—
Natalia: Hey, kid, aren't you bored doing something this weird?
Of course I was bored! Bored out of my mind, okay?! That was why I could only entertain myself during missions. Besides, I felt that most people in El-Melloi, and even the entire Clock Tower, had some very deep prejudices against me. So I intended to let them understand our work and show them that we, too, were professional assassins.
—No, that was not where their prejudice lay. After you beat up White Winged Ancestor Ortlocke, the two of you had already developed an irreconcilable prejudice, okay?!
Meh! Don't worry about those details. Anyway, our mission was... the mission was... mission... Natalia, the mission...
Natalia: I knew you hadn't read it. This mission was to kill the magus Shira and his daughter Maka in a resort.
Huh, a resort? Looks like this target was a magus who knew how to enjoy himself!
Natalia: No. The entire resort was actually a large-scale magecraft ritual. It would silently absorb the magical energy of those inside. If they had no magical energy, it would use their life force instead. If possible, destroy the ritual while you're at it!
...Fine, I took that back. A magus was still a magus. Other than a few exceptions, none of them were good people. I would go make them hand over their heads right now!
Let me think. First, I would disguise myself as a foreigner, then blend in with the tourists and enter the resort... Disguise my ass! This was fucking Italy. No matter what, an East Asian like me was a foreigner!
Five minutes later—
All right, we had entered the resort. Just as Natalia said earlier, this damn place really did absorb magical energy.
If we took the magical energy of FSN's Emiya Shirou as one unit of measurement, calling that unit one Shirou, then Shirou's magical energy would now be draining at a rapid rate of 0.05 Shirous per second.
How should I put it? For an ordinary person, it would only take three days and three nights before they caught a cold from losing life force.
Well, I had plenty of magical energy anyway. This little bit of consumption was not even as fast as what I replenished from the atmosphere. Let's get back to the mission first!
Actually, I was a little conflicted. Should I slaughter that Shira first, or kill his daughter first? Relatively speaking, this was a problem! I could kill without batting an eye, but that did not stop me from having choice paralysis.
Natalia: Let me correct you here. It's Shira, not diarrhea.
Oh, got it. It was poop, then!
Natalia: You win!
...Emmmm... I had decided. Only children made choices. My choice was to have both! Watch me perform a great transformation!
Five seconds later—
Mm, yoshi. Ulquiorra, I was entrusting you with the glorious mission of taking out Watermelon's daughter, Muggle. Are you ready?
Ulquiorra: Crying wax. (Boring!)
What? Hey, you Hollow, could you have a sense of humor? You were obviously a part I split off from myself, so why was your sense of humor this bad?
Ulquiorra: ...Boring.
You... I'm not talking to you! Anyway, keep the noise down, move fast, and strike a cool pose. Get to it!
—Sonido dividing line—
After a difficult search, I had finally found my target, Diarrhea Watermelon—oh, right, Shira. I had finally found Shira. He was in the room before me. According to my information, it was a bathhouse, and he should have been bathing inside.
Now, let's open Blue Fatty's magical pocket. We had obtained Plastic Explosives ×10 kg, Silencing Rune Stones ×3 that I swindled from Touko Aozaki, and an M82A1 Anti-Materiel Sniper Rifle (bullets ×200).
So the question came up again: how should we kill Shira? Blow the place open with explosives in silent mode, then go in and chop him up? Or retreat eight hundred meters and blow his damn head off with one shot?
Huh? Why did I say "again"?
Emmmm, fuck it. Only kindergarten kids made choices. I wanted all of it!
Behold: silencing + Plastic Explosives = silent explosive pack; silencing + sniper rifle = silenced sniper rifle; silent mode + silent explosive pack + silenced sniper rifle = silent assassination technique. Perfect!
Eat my silent explosive pack!
Did you hear that? Wasn't there no sound at all? A silent explosive pack was just... damn it, there really was no sound. It smoked, though. So—cover it up! Cover it up, quickly!
All right, I had entered the smoking bathhouse I had just blown up. The place reeked of nitrates. That Watermelon was currently lying on the floor, blackened all over. Based on my many years of criminal experience, he had probably been blown up—and he was still alive.
(Big brother, I'm begging you, don't kill me. I still have a daughter to support. I'm begging you, don't kill me!)
Who the fuck was your big brother?! And your daughter should be almost on her way to the afterlife by now.
However, since you begged so sincerely, I had decided not to kill you with my hands—I'd use a gun!
Tsk tsk! He died with his eyes open.
Very good, we had completed another target assassination. No one noticed... Wait, eat my Barrett! Mm, that's right, no one noticed. Let's make a mark in our little notebook.
A mushroom cloud had already risen over there. It looked like Ulquiorra's mission had also been completed. That meant this mission of ours had officially come to an end...
The end. Throw flowers. Ending theme.
Finally... this episode of I Am an Assassin had come to an end. Thank you all for watching.