Extra Chapter: I Am an Assassin

Friendly reminder: This chapter is primarily for entertainment, with only a few parts worth taking seriously.

So-called killers aren't just idiots who rely on Presence Concealment and backstabs, nor are they fools who recklessly go on a rampage. They are—precisely calibrated weapons of mass destruction.

Hello everyone, I'm a killer, codename RK. A genius murderer who can separate body and mind to work independently.

I have no emotions (You don't have any money either!). So I'm working for someone else right now. (You don't have any height either!) No problem, I'm still young—I'll grow taller later. (You don't have a partner either!) No problem, I'll get one later—more than one, actually. (You don't have any dignity either!) ...Enough already! Can't you indulge a little fantasy in my heart?

My job is to kick down the front door, kill, burn, leave no living witnesses, then withdraw—clean and efficient.

No matter how much the other side begs for mercy, I can strike without hesitation. If you ask why... it's because I got paid! Hahahaha!

Hello everyone, I'm back. It's fine if you're not happy to see me. There was a little accident just now—I choked on my own spit. But no worries, our show can continue.

As you can see, this silver-haired woman with the anti-materiel sniper rifle is my partner in action, and also my grandma. She handles overwatch and finishing moves. Come on, Natalia-san, say hello to everyone—

Natalia: Hey, kid, don't you get bored doing this weird stuff?

Of course I'm bored! Bored out of my mind, okay! So I have to entertain myself during missions. Besides, I feel like most people in El-Melloi, and even the whole Clock Tower, have a pretty deep prejudice against me. So I plan to let them understand our work—let them know we're assassins with professional standards too.

—No, their prejudice isn't about that at all. Once you beat up the White Winged Ancestor Ortlocke, an indelible prejudice was already set between you!

Meh! Don't sweat the details. Anyway, our mission is... mission is... mission... Natalia-san, what's the mission...

Natalia: I knew you didn't read it. This time, we're killing the magus Shira and his daughter Maka at a resort.

Eh, a resort? Looks like our target is a magus who knows how to enjoy life!

Natalia: No, actually the entire resort is a massive magical ritual. It silently absorbs the mana of everyone inside. If they have no mana, it substitutes their life force. If possible, destroy the ritual too.

...Alright, I take it back. Magi are magi—except for a few, none of them are any good. I'll go tell them to hand over their heads!

Let me think. First, I'll disguise myself as a foreigner, then blend in with the tourists and enter the resort... Disguise my ass! This is Italy! I'm a yellow-skinned Easterner—I'm obviously a foreigner no matter what!

Five minutes later—

Okay, we're inside the resort. Just like Natalia-san said, this damn place really does absorb mana.

If we take Emiya Shirou's mana from FSN as one unit—let's call it one Shirou—then right now, Shirou's mana is draining at a rate of 0.05 Shirou per second.

How to put it? For an ordinary person, after three days and three nights, they'd catch a cold from life force loss.

Well, I've got plenty of mana. This little drain is less than what I absorb from the atmosphere. Let's get back to the mission!

Actually, I'm a bit conflicted. Should I kill this Laxi guy first, or his daughter first? Relatively speaking, that's a question! I can kill without mercy, but that doesn't mean I'm free from choice paralysis.

Natalia: Let me correct you here—it's Shira, not Laxi.

Oh, got it. Like runny poop!

Natalia: Whatever works for you.

...Emmmm... Decided. Kids make choices. My choice is both! Watch me pull off a big switcheroo!

Five seconds later—

Mm, yosh. Ulquiorra, the glorious mission of taking out Watermelon's daughter, Muggle, is yours. You ready?

Ulquiorra: Kūdara (Boring).

What? Hey, you Hollow, can't you have a little sense of humor? You're literally a part I split off from myself—how can your humor be this bad?

Ulquiorra: ...Boring.

You... I'm not talking to you! Anyway, keep it quiet, move fast, look cool. Go!

—Sonido dividing line—

After a tough search, I finally found my target, Laxi Watermelon—oh right, Shira. I finally found Shira. In the room in front of me. From what I know, it's a bathhouse, and he should be bathing inside.

Now let's open Doraemon's magic pocket. Got Plastic Explosives ×10 kg, Silencing Rune Stones ×3 scammed from Touko, and an M82A1 Anti-Materiel Sniper Rifle (200 rounds).

So the question is: how should we kill Shira? Blow the place up with silenced explosives and go in to butcher him, or pull back eight hundred meters and blow his dog head off with one shot?

Eh? Why did I say "again"?

Emmmm screw it. Only kindergarten kids make choices. I want it all!

Watch this: Silence + Plastic Explosives = Silenced Explosive Charge; Silence + Sniper Rifle = Silenced Sniper Rifle; Stealth Mode + Silenced Explosive Charge + Silenced Sniper Rifle = Silent Killing Art. Perfect!

Eat my Silenced Explosive Charge!

Hear that? No sound at all, right? Silenced Explosive Charge is... well, no sound, but it smokes. So—slap it on, quick, slap it on!

Okay, I've entered the bathhouse I just blew up into smoke. It reeks of nitrates everywhere. That Watermelon is lying on the ground, blackened. Based on my years of experience, that's from the blast, and he's still alive.

(Brother, I beg you, don't kill me. I still have a daughter to raise. Please don't kill me!)

Who the hell is your brother! And your daughter's probably already on her way up the mountain by now.

But, since you begged for mercy, I've decided not to kill you with my hands—I'll use a gun!

Tsk tsk! Died with eyes wide open.

Excellent. We've completed another target assassination. No one noticed... Wait, eat my Barrett! Mm, yep, no one noticed. Let's mark one down in the little book.

That mushroom cloud over there is rising. Looks like Ulquiorra's mission is done too. That means our mission is officially over...

Ending, confetti, credits.

Finally... This episode of I Am a Killer ends here. Thanks for watching.