My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong, As Expected

"Hikigaya-kun, how many years has it been since you last spoke to a girl?"

At that moment, Yukino threw out another completely unrelated question, disrupting my train of thought.

This woman has no manners.

I had great confidence in my memory. Even conversations everyone else had long forgotten remained crystal clear to me, and the girls in my class even regarded me as a stalker because of it.

According to my excellent hippocampus, the last time I spoke with a girl was in June two years ago.

Girl: "Um, don't you think it's really hot?"

Me: "It's downright muggy."

Girl: "Huh? Y-yeah, that's right."

End

That was roughly how it went. And actually, she had not been asking me at all—she had been asking another girl diagonally behind me.

The more unpleasant something was, the more clearly people remembered it. Whenever I recalled that incident at night, I felt an urge to crawl under my blanket and scream at the top of my lungs.

Just as I was sinking into that horrifying memory, Yukino loudly declared:

"The rich give to the poor out of compassion; that is what is known as public welfare. Providing aid to developing countries, feeding the homeless, allowing boys with no luck with women to speak with girls—offering a helping hand to those in trouble is what this club does."

Before I knew it, Yukino had stood up, naturally assuming a position from which she could look down on me.

"Welcome to the Service Club. I am pleased you have joined."

Yukino said something that did not sound very welcoming right to my face, and it almost made me cry.

And even after I had already fallen into depression, she twisted the knife.

"Hiratsuka-sensei said that excellent people have an obligation to help the pitiable. Since she entrusted you to me, I will see this through to the end. I will cure your problems, so be grateful."

Was she trying to express the idea of noblesse oblige? In Japanese terms, it probably meant that nobles bore certain responsibilities. Indeed, Yukino looked exactly like an aristocrat with her arms folded. Judging from her grades and appearance, it would not have been an exaggeration to call her one.

"You woman..."

Still, there were things I absolutely had to make clear to her. Even if I had to talk until my mouth went dry, I would tell her that I did not need her pity.

"...Though it feels strange to say it myself, I am actually pretty impressive! In the Literary Stream mock exams at school, I ranked third in the entire grade in Japanese! I do not look bad either! Other than having no friends or girlfriend, I am basically an outstanding person!"

"That last part is fatal... It is remarkable that you can say that so confidently... You really are a strange person. It makes me uncomfortable."

"Shut up. I do not want to hear a lecture from some weird woman."

This woman was seriously strange. At least, she was completely different from the image of Yukino Yukinoshita that had—no, it was not as though anyone had ever told me about her. I should say, the image that had simply drifted into my ears.

Still, she was an ice-cold beauty. And right now, she was wearing a cold smile. To put it in more difficult terms, it was a "cruel smile."

"Hmm... From my perspective, it is precisely your degenerate character and twisted sensibilities that leave you constantly alone."

Yukino spoke grandly with a clenched fist.

"First, I will arrange a place for you, someone who has nowhere to belong. You understand, do you not? If you have somewhere to belong, you will not have to become a shooting star and burn out miserably."

"Is that The Nightjar Star? That is way too obscure."

If I had not been a genius with literary refinement who ranked third in Japanese in the Literary Stream, I definitely would not have understood. Besides, I liked that story very much, so I remembered it clearly. That poor nightjar was unpopular with everyone; it was sad enough to bring tears to one's eyes.

Yukino widened her eyes at my rebuttal and replied:

"...How surprising. I did not expect someone below the level of an ordinary high school boy to have read Kenji Miyazawa's work."

"Are you insulting me?"

"I am sorry, I exaggerated. In truth, you are not even at the level of an ordinary high school boy."

"You thought you had praised me too much just now?! Did you not hear that I ranked third in Japanese in the whole grade?"

"The fact that you are so pleased with third place shows how limited you are. Trying to prove you are intelligent with only one subject is the kind of thought only an ignorant person would have."

...There should have been a limit to rudeness. Other than some Saiyan Prince, I could not think of anyone else who would insult a boy she had just met like this.

"Still, The Nightjar Star suits you well. For example, its appearance."

"Are you saying I am ugly...?"

"I cannot say that. After all, facts can sometimes be very hurtful..."

"That is the same as saying it!"

At that moment, Yukino patted my shoulder solemnly.

"You cannot run from the truth. Go look in a mirror and face reality."

"No, no, no, I am not trying to boast, but I do not look bad. Even my sister says, 'It would be nice if Brother just stayed quiet.' You could even say that my face is my only good point."

As expected of my sister. She had excellent taste. Conversely, the girls at this school were all terribly blind.

Hearing that, Yukino pressed her fingers to her temple as though she had a headache.

"Are you an idiot? 'Beauty' itself is subjective. Therefore, in this classroom with only the two of us, only what I say is correct."

"Th-that makes no sense at all, but somehow it sounds convincing..."

"Anyway, regardless of how you look, as long as you keep wearing those dead fish eyes, you will not leave a good impression. Your problem is not your facial features, but the fact that your expression is quite ugly. That also means your personality is quite twisted." Yukino may have been cute, but her heart was another matter entirely. Her eyes looked exactly like a criminal's. I supposed neither of us was cute at all.

...Come to think of it, did my eyes really look that much like a fish's?

If I were a girl, I would probably interpret it positively and say, "Huh? Do I look like the Little Mermaid?"

As I fled from reality like that, Yukino brushed the hair over her shoulder and said, as if proudly declaring victory:

"I do not admire the confidence you draw from superficial things such as grades and looks, nor those dead fish eyes of yours."

"Stop bringing up my eyes!"

"That is true. It is hopeless anyway."

"Shouldn't you apologize to my parents?"

I could feel my expression twisting. Yukino seemed to reflect on herself as well, and her expression darkened.

"Indeed, I went too far. Your father and mother are the ones suffering the most."

"Enough, it is my fault. No, it is my face's fault."

I practically begged her through tears before Yukino finally stopped.

I realized there was no point in saying anything more, so I could only imagine myself meditating beneath a bodhi tree in search of enlightenment. Then Yukino spoke again:

"All right, the conversational simulation exercise is over. If you can speak with a girl like me, you should have no problem facing other people."

She lightly stroked her hair with her right hand, her face full of accomplishment, then smiled brilliantly.

"Now you can live alone and strong, carrying beautiful memories with you."

"Your solution is awfully unconventional..."

"Still, this does not count as fulfilling Hiratsuka-sensei's request... There are more fundamental problems to solve... For example, how about taking a leave of absence from school?"

"That is not solving the problem. It is just temporary ostrich behavior."

"Oh my, so you know you are an ostrich?"

"Yeah, only members of the same species know. You are so annoying!"

"...Pathetic."

I had finally found a chance to turn the tables on her, and a smug smile appeared on my face. Yukino glared at me with eyes that seemed to say, "Why are you even alive?" Please, her gaze was genuinely terrifying.

The next second, the room fell into a dead silence painful to the ears. Though perhaps it was because Yukino attacked without restraint once she got going that my ears hurt from hearing her.

Then the classroom door was violently pulled open with a tremendous sound.

"Yukino, I am coming in."

"Please remember to knock..."

"Sorry, sorry. You two carry on; do not mind me. I just came to see how things were going."

Yukino sighed helplessly, while Hiratsuka-sensei gave her a leisurely smile before leaning against the wall and looking back and forth between Yukino and me.

"You two are getting along well. That is wonderful."

Where had she gotten that conclusion from?

"Hachiman, keep it up and work hard to fix that twisted personality and those dead fish eyes. Well then, I am going back. Make sure you leave before school ends."

"W-wait!"

I grabbed the teacher's hand to stop her, but...

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! I surrender! I surrender!"

The teacher twisted my arm, and only after I desperately cried surrender did she finally let go.

"So it is Hachiman. Do not stand behind me so casually. I will absolutely strike, you know."

"Are you Golgo 13? And Golgo 13 only strikes by accident—do not just strike people!" (A reference to the manga Golgo 13.)

"You really are troublesome... All right, what is it?"

"That is what I want to ask you... What do you mean by telling me to change? You make me sound like a juvenile delinquent. What exactly am I supposed to do here?"

"Hmm..."

After hearing my question, Hiratsuka-sensei rested a hand against her chin and took on a thoughtful expression.

"Did Yukino not explain? This club's main purpose is to encourage students to change themselves and resolve their inner troubles. I bring students here when I think they need to change. Think of this place as a Hyperbolic Time Chamber—or would Revolutionary Girl be easier to understand?"

"That would be even harder to understand, and it would give away your age..."

"What did you say?"

"...I did not say anything."

The teacher shot me an icy look, and I could only hunch my shoulders and reply quietly. Seeing me like that, she sighed and said:

"Yukino, it seems things are not going very smoothly."

"That is because he does not understand where his own problem lies."

Yukino calmly answered the teacher's exasperation.

...What was this unbearable feeling? It felt like when my parents found the pornographic magazines I had hidden in sixth grade and gave me a thorough talk.

No, that was not the point.

"Um... Since earlier, you have both been talking amongst yourselves about making me change and Revolutionary Girl and all that, but I myself have no desire to..."

After I said that, Hiratsuka-sensei tilted her head slightly.

"What?"

"...What are you talking about? If you do not change, you will have a hard time making your way in society."

Yukino looked extremely serious, as though she were expounding ideals like anti-war and anti-nuclear weapons.

"From an outsider's perspective, your social skills lag far behind everyone else's. Do you not want to change yourself? Or do you not have the slightest desire to improve?"

"It is not like that... I just do not want someone else deciding on their own whether I should change my 'self.' A person cannot change their 'self' just because of a few words from others! The so-called 'self' should be..."

"You simply cannot view yourself objectively."

I had intended to show off by borrowing a line from Descartes, but Yukino cut me off cold. That line was quite scholarly...

"You are merely running away. But people cannot move forward without changing."

Yukino denied me without mercy. Why had everything she said been so cutting since earlier? Was she born from a sea urchin or something?

"Is running away wrong? You only know how to repeat the same thing over and over, telling me to change. Let me ask you: because the sunset is too dazzling, would you tell it to start setting in the east from today onward?"

"That is sophistry. Please do not change the subject. Besides, the sun does not move; the Earth rotates. Do you not even know the Earth-Motion Theory?"

"I was obviously just giving an example! If I am using sophistry, then so are you! Is the change you are talking about not just running from the situation in front of you? Then who is the one running away? Truly not running away means not changing and facing things directly! Why will you not affirm who you are now and who you were before?"

"...That will not solve anyone's troubles, nor will it save anyone."

Save anyone?

As Yukino said that, an astonishingly angry expression appeared on her face. It made me shrink back, and I nearly apologized, "S-s-s-sorry!"

Still, "saving people" was not the kind of phrase an ordinary high school student would use. I could not understand what made her cling to that idea so stubbornly.

"You two, calm down."