Lilith Side Story: Love Is the Disease

What was love?

It was a question that had always confused her.

Because she had never possessed such feelings.

She learned everything quickly—from music, chess, calligraphy, and painting to social etiquette. She had always worn a mask called "Flawless," coldly watching the chaotic world.

Love alone was different. She had only seen it in books and in other people's eyes, but... she could not learn it, because she had never loved anyone.

Before her biological mother died of illness, she had repeatedly stroked her cheek, sighed that she would never see her in a wedding dress, and wept as she said she would always love her. Lilith imitated the others, kneeling beside her mother's bed and shedding false tears. Everyone thought she was grieving over her mother's death, but beneath her mask, her expression had remained cold.

She had felt nothing in her heart.

Just as she had felt nothing when the grandfather who had doted on her in every way had died.

No sorrow, no joy. It was as though they had merely been people unrelated to her.

Her younger brother, who always wore a cold expression but cared deeply for her and their sister; her fiancé, whose eyes held no one but her; her younger sister, whose eyes always sparkled with joy whenever she saw her... Unfortunately, Lilith still felt nothing.

Heh. When that sudden disaster descended, when she slaughtered everyone beneath that person's gaze, she had not hesitated in the slightest. What she had felt was the joy called "freedom."

She had known very early on that her nature was bloodthirsty. The wails of living beings delighted her, and their desperate struggles at death's door excited her... Yet because of the environment around her, she had no choice but to suppress her true nature.

So, what was love?

Or rather, what was love supposed to be?

What she wanted to know was not the definition of love, but... how did one love someone? What did it feel like to fall in love with someone?

To be honest, she had never denied that even toward him, in the beginning, she had felt only killing intent. But his existence could indeed bring her the benefits she desired, so after one probing assassination attempt failed, she abandoned the idea.

Even then, she had already realized that he simply did not care what her nature was like. He never interfered with whatever she wanted to do. All he wanted was her assistance when necessary. Of course, if she attempted another assassination, that would truly cross his bottom line... Once she realized that the two of them could get along quite well, there was no need for her to do such a thing anymore.

She knew very well that she was a monster the world could not tolerate. Nor did she care to be accepted by it. She had always been at odds with the world, yet had repeatedly remained trapped within it because of her human identity. If she had not escaped that day, or if she had not met him, then perhaps one day, she would have chosen suicide.

In her eyes, the world was just that boring.

Yet, in him, she found an aura similar to her own. Perhaps they were not the same kind of people. He did not possess such intense malice as she did, but in being out of place in this world, they were alike.

He did not care what happened to other people. If she had to name someone he cared about, it was probably only Elysia.

Elysia... That girl's radiance was so dazzling that Lilith wondered whether it, like her own, was merely an illusion created by a mask. From that perspective, she and Elysia were clearly similar, the same kind of people, yet his attitude toward her and Elysia was worlds apart.

After all, she had a record. His trust in her was limited. Even if she declared that she had long since abandoned any intent to kill him, that man probably would not believe her. Someone like her, who lied as easily as breathing... actually found herself troubled one day because she was not believed...

She had also looked into that man's past with Elysia. His trust in Elysia was somewhat beyond reason, but... it was not impossible. He liked Elysia. He had even been willing to join the same plan as Kevin in order to stand on the same level as her—a plan whose own creator had calculated its chances of success to be zero...

Naturally, before doing so, he had already prepared himself to die in that experiment. He had completed all the paperwork in advance. If he died, the team he left behind would be entirely taken over by her, and her authority would be raised even further as a result.

Heh...

At the time, she probably had not realized it herself. Even though she still believed she was hoping he would die in the experiment, thereby completely ending their contract and granting her true "freedom," her heart seemed to believe with absolute certainty that he would survive.

It was not until the Eighth Herrscher incident, when she fell into the Eighth Herrscher's dream, that she realized the wish buried deep within her heart—a wish she should never have had.

She was the one who wanted to be with him.

She woke quickly within the dream, but concealed it well. The Herrscher used a wish deep in her heart, one that even Lilith herself had never noticed, to weave her a dream. In that dream, she and he lived through the kind of life she had always hated. It was precisely because she despised such a life so deeply that she awakened and realized that if it were him, then any kind of life would be fine. As long as he was by her side, she could savor it willingly.

It was also because she understood too well that he would not like her. The person he liked was not her, and he would not spend such a life with her. That was why she had been awake from the very beginning.

So, at the end of that dream, she killed "him" with her own hands.

The Herrscher asked in terror, "Why?! Isn't he the person you love most?"

She answered, "Precisely because he is the one I love most, I must return to reality. Because the real him is the truest him, isn't he?"

She did not need a dream, because she was already living within one.

Was that what "love" felt like?

Because he was someone she liked, she did not care what sort of life they lived. Yet the Herrscher could not understand those feelings. Foolishly following its own understanding, it had made her and him live out a conventional life in the dream, just as it did with everyone else.

The real her craved conflict, craved upheaval, pursued war, pursued death.

Because this world could not tolerate her true self, she had no place in it. The world could not accept her, and she refused to compromise with the world and change herself. And so... she came to understand just how important he was to her. Because of his existence, he accepted her darkness, and she gradually became able to accept the world as well.

Was this... love?

If the feelings surging through her heart at this moment, this desire to remain with him forever... if this was love, then what should she do? How was she supposed to love someone?

She did not know, because she had never loved anyone.

But she could learn. And even without learning, she knew that she desperately needed to improve the relationship between herself and him. A mere contract and alliance were far from enough.

So, as she slowly built a bridge called "trust" between them, she had plenty of time to observe how others behaved and read similar books for reference. She had plenty of time to understand him bit by bit, to draw closer to him. She also had plenty of time to understand her own feelings and see her own heart clearly.

At the banquet after the Ninth Herrscher incident, she had made every preparation. He already trusted her enough, and she truly enjoyed and deeply liked that feeling. Moreover, she had done everything she could to reduce the time he spent with Elysia. For that, she had to thank Elysia for not responding to his confession back then. He had made that confession in a moment of impulsiveness, and merely thinking of it now made him feel awkward, causing him to avoid Elysia to some extent.

But... a plan that should have succeeded had, in the end... still resulted in him rejecting her. When he chose silence in response to her confession, as time passed second by second, she had actually already known the outcome. His silence was only because he was thinking about how best to refuse her.

She had never failed before. Only this once did she admit her failure.

Why? They were two kindred souls isolated from the world, so why would he still reject her?

"Because... in the end, I'm not Elysia, am I?" she asked with a smile. This was the first time that night she had put on her mask.

Had she ultimately underestimated his feelings for Elysia? She had tried so hard to imitate Elysia and had done everything she could to reduce the chances of Elysia meeting him. Why, in the end, was she still unable to take Elysia's place...

"No, absolutely not!" he said firmly. "You don't need to become anyone else. Just be yourself. You are you, not anyone else... I just feel that I..."

She looked at him. The tacit understanding between them, which she had deliberately cultivated all this time, had already allowed her to understand what he was thinking. In his heart, Elysia's position had always been unshakable. He might even have long since given up on the idea of romance altogether. Until Honkai was defeated, he would not consider anything else.

So... even though she could understand his thoughts now, she still could not understand what grudge he had against Honkai. Even if there was no possibility between him and Elysia, he still had to crush Honkai?

Why? She did not understand. She really, truly, utterly did not understand...

The most absurd part was that she also knew his fundamental reason for crushing Honkai was still Elysia. So the question was, what exactly did Elysia have to do with crushing Honkai?

If Elysia had made some promise with him that they would date after crushing Honkai, that would be understandable. But clearly, he no longer cared whether he could be with Elysia or not, so then...

Elysia's place in his heart seemed to be far too special. She was also well aware now that her own place in his heart was special enough, or she would not have believed that this confession could succeed. Yet the place Elysia occupied seemed forever beyond her reach...

It was then that she understood something: imitating Elysia was useless. He did care about her, not because she resembled Elysia, but because she was herself—because she was Lilith.

He cared about Elysia so deeply, so what kind of place did he hold in Elysia's heart?

When she had resolved to involve herself, she had asked Elysia whether there was someone she liked. She had even emphasized that she meant the kind of liking involved in a romantic relationship, and Elysia had given her a negative answer. But before answering, Elysia had hesitated for a moment. She had no interest in who had made Elysia hesitate.

Even if it really was him, when the time came, she could bring up those words, and Elysia would have nothing to say.

When she had used "compensation" as an excuse to make him dance with her beneath the moon, she had noticed a pink figure atop one of the banquet hall's tall buildings. Before that, she had already known Elysia had come and left, and it could not have been a coincidence that Elysia appeared on a rooftop overlooking this place.

The most likely possibility was that Elysia truly cared about him, yet had not realized her own feelings—just like Lilith at the very beginning. Yes, Elysia did not actually know what it felt like to like someone either.

She did not pay any further attention to Elysia. She began to think about her plans going forward.

For Elysia, realizing that she liked him was only a matter of time. But precisely because she liked him, and because she had not given an answer to his confession back then, if he truly found a lover, Elysia would absolutely not interfere.

Sometimes, being too kind became a weakness others could exploit.

Through her deliberate guidance, coupled with his own indifference toward others, the darkness he carried grew ever greater. He had already fallen with her into the deepest abyss. Even if Elysia wanted to, he would no longer approach Elysia again.

But that was not enough.

Far from enough.

When she learned that Feather Dust's Zeroth Rated Power could bind the consciousnesses of two people, she had been contemplating a mad plan. He would not accept her confession, but she wanted to remain by his side forever. More importantly, in a person's heart, no person or thing could compare to someone who had died for them.

That was especially true for someone as stubborn yet deeply sentimental as him.

"Hm? Lilith? Where is she going?"

The pink-haired girl noticed the silver-haired girl passing by not far away. At this hour, the Fallen Angel Squad should not have had an operation.

She suddenly remembered the First Execution Plan she had heard about before. Could it be that Feng intended to...

She quietly followed the silver-haired girl, but the other girl seemed to notice her as well and quickly vanished from her sight without a trace.

"I need to go check Feng's room... I hope I'm just overthinking it..."

"Although I don't bear you any ill will either, if I want to make my plan succeed, you truly are an indispensable piece... If it's you, you'll definitely find a way to stop Feng, won't you? But the only way to stop us would be to carry out the Second Plan ahead of schedule. And after that..."

"We'll be together forever, never to be separated..."

"Love may also be a kind of illness, and mine is quite severe."

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