Berserkers and Witches

The berserkers from Rashemen in the northern wasteland were as rugged as white bears and as hard as steel. Their greatest loves were strong liquor and brawling. In outsiders' eyes, these muscle-brained fellows could never possibly understand something like romance.

But! Even the toughest man had a tender side. Beneath these rough men's coarse exteriors lay delicate hearts. The romance and beauty they yearned for—or, more accurately, the thing that was like the moonlight shining in their hearts—was their witch.

Just as knightly novels often portrayed, knights would always find a beautiful princess to protect. The berserkers of Rashemen, meanwhile, devoted themselves to finding a witch they could swear to protect.

The difference was that most knights were merely rapists who looked relatively cultured. After all, anyone with true virtue had gone off to become a holy knight. Berserkers, on the other hand, were often a few screws short, and could do nothing but give their witches endless headaches.

The witch before Minsc's eyes fulfilled nearly all his fantasies and longings about witches. With her beautiful, tall figure, her smooth golden hair falling over her shoulders, her blue robes, and the staff in her hand, she had arrived just like that, carrying the icy aura of the north straight into his heart.

Watching Minsc's foolish expression, Zhang Yuan felt a genuine headache coming on. What was this supposed to be, love at first sight? The problem was that this Ice Witch was merely a puppet piece!

Before he could say anything else, Minsc suddenly ran up to Crystal Maiden and dropped to one knee. "Beautiful and noble witch, would you be willing to accept the allegiance of a warrior from Rashemen? I swear that my sword is yours to command. From this day forth, no one will be able to harm you before I fall."

The few spectators watching the spectacle nearly popped their eyes out. Good grief—he usually looked like such an honest man, but had he really transformed the moment he saw a beautiful woman?

Left with no choice, Zhang Yuan went over to stop Minsc. "You don't need to ask. She can't be your guardian witch."

After waiting a long while without receiving an answer, Minsc nervously turned back to look at the mage. "Why? Does she refuse? Or does she already have a guardian?"

Zhang Yuan pressed a hand to his forehead and shook his head repeatedly. "Didn't you notice that she's a summoned creature? Just like Little Stone."

"But she's not an elemental or a monster! She—she's a living person, a witch!" Minsc was completely unable to accept it.

"She only looks like a person. She's actually a puppet—in other words, an alchemical creation. If you don't believe me, touch her hand. She has no body heat." The mage was truly at a loss for words.

Who could have guessed that the usually carefree berserker would become unusually bashful at a time like this? He kept shaking his head, refusing to touch Crystal Maiden's delicate hand no matter what, muttering things like, "That would be disrespectful," and, "She hasn't agreed. She'll get angry."

Truly at his wits' end, Zhang Yuan had Crystal Maiden perform several movements like a robot according to his instructions, then pointed at her eyes. "Look at her eyes. Do you really think she's alive?"

The lovestruck berserker refused to give up. "I don't care. Even if she's a summoned creature, I still want to protect her. Please, let her join our party."

"Forget it. She's not a real woman. You can't marry her."

"I never said I wanted to marry her. I only want to protect her side. I don't mind."

The party set off again, but the atmosphere was extremely awkward. Kagan was curious while hiding from Little Stone like a startled quail; the berserker circled Crystal Maiden while grinning foolishly; Bard was the most indifferent of them all, treating it as a show; and the remaining mage trudged along with his head lowered, massaging his temples to keep his blood vessels from bursting and ending his life.

It wasn't as though Zhang Yuan couldn't bear to part with an Ice Witch. With over twenty points of energy, the card pool could easily recruit several identical pieces. Besides, Minsc's feelings for Crystal Maiden weren't possessive. They were the pure desire to admire and protect her.

Honestly, Zhang Yuan could hardly believe that those northern berserkers were capable of this. When had their spiritual realm reached such heights? They had even grasped the essence of Platonic love.

Then again, thinking about Minsc's feelings for Aerie in the game, it wasn't actually difficult to understand.

But falling for a doll and swearing to protect her... Wait, wasn't this remarkably similar to those otaku shut-ins obsessed with anime and games? Brilliant!

With that thought, the mage instantly regained his spirits. A smug feeling called Your waifu is in my hands welled up inside him.

The party had already covered half the distance. They could now see the towering peak of High Hedge Castle, but trouble had found them again.

This time, the obstacle came from a group of old friends who were no longer strangers. Unlike the scattered handfuls of Skeleton Soldiers and gnolls they had encountered before, these enemies consisted of nearly thirty Skeleton Soldiers and seven or eight gnolls.

Even with Little Stone as a summoned creature, they had little chance of winning in a head-on fight. The only spell Zhang Yuan had left, Sleep, was also completely useless against the undead.

Did they have to take a detour?

Just as he began calculating this unwelcome option, Zhang Yuan looked around and spotted a small hill nearby.

The hill wasn't very high, but its slope was rather steep. A not especially dense forest grew at its foot, with trees occupying most of the paths leading to the summit as their own territory.

Zhang Yuan pondered for a moment, then called everyone over to discuss the plan. Afterward, they each acted according to it—or more accurately, Minsc did.

The mage led his two dwarf bodyguards up the hill step by step. Behind them, Little Stone slowly followed, pushing a huge round boulder he had found somewhere.

And what about our berserker? He jogged in a wide arc toward the Skeleton Soldiers and gnolls. After drawing the attention of as many monsters as possible, Minsc ran toward the hill with long, swift strides.

Yes, our berserker's task was to farm monsters. What else could they do when the others were all short-legged dwarves and a mage?

Seeing the Skeleton Soldiers and gnolls gather and chase after Minsc, the terrain and forest forced them to climb along the shaded side of the hill.

By the time Minsc reached the summit, the fastest gnoll had only just reached halfway up. Most of the monsters were still packed together at the foot of the hill, struggling upward.

After telling their berserker teammate, "Well done," it was time for the star of the show—Tiny—to make his entrance.

With Crystal Maiden's Arcane Aura replenishing him, Tiny's mana bar filled once more. He lifted the huge boulder and activated his skill: Toss.

Whoosh~ A round stone the size of a millstone traced a parabola through the air before crashing straight into the center of the gnoll formation. It flattened one unlucky victim, while the erupting shock wave knocked every monster in the area to the ground.

After releasing his skill, Tiny followed Zhang Yuan's orders and curled his entire body into a ball, like a turtle listening to thunder. Then everyone pushed him from behind.

The gnolls had barely struggled to their feet, stars still spinning before their eyes, when a strange sound reached their ears.

Rumble~ A stone ball over a meter in diameter came charging down like a war chariot at full speed. Its unstoppable momentum gave these amateur mountaineering enthusiasts the illusion that a giant was swinging a whistling warhammer straight at them.

How could they stay put? The members of the amateur mountaineering association lost all courage to brave the summit and immediately made a one-hundred-eighty-degree turn to retreat.

Then something despairing happened to the gnolls. The Skeleton Soldiers, following behind and one step slower, seemed not to notice the rolling boulder at all. They continued forward, one step after another, with unwavering determination.

With their retreat cut off and surrounded by fearless Skeleton Soldiers, the gnolls could only desperately squeeze downhill or shove the Skeleton Soldiers aside and flee to the sides.

But it was too late. They had barely any time to react after recovering from the stun, and the delay caused by the skeletons sealed their fate. Aside from a lucky few quick enough to leap down the sides and break every bone in their bodies, the rest were crushed by the rolling stone into a pot of meat paste and rib soup.

The Skeleton Soldiers at the foot of the hill still advanced toward the boulder without the slightest awareness. Then, like bowling pins struck by a bowling ball, they flew in all directions, as though a rain of bones had fallen.