Master, Lancer Popped the Light Bulb

Don't Call Me Master, Call Me Director! Author: blind no miku-chan

"Director Matou Shinji, the magic effects in your fantasy films look so realistic! How do you do it?"

"Because I use Magecraft to film them."

"Director Matou, why are there almost no inaccuracies in your historical films?"

"Because people from that era personally advised me."

"Director Matou, why does Ultraman always like to use Baji Quan in your tokusatsu films?"

"Because the people in them are the ancestors of Baji Quan."

"Director Matou, why do all the heroines in your films look so alike? Especially those several Miss Artorias who share the same name."

"That story starts with a certain mushroom."

"..."

Matou Shinji was a master of visual-effects filmmaking, a Magecraft user who defied convention, and a Master who shared a love-hate relationship with his own Heroic Spirits.

"I'm the best director among Masters, and the best Master among directors."

Matou Shinji announced proudly.

The Heroic Spirits: "Get lost!" N

Chapter 1: Master, Lancer Popped the Light Bulb

The winter moonlight over Fuyuki City was clear and bright, the night peaceful and serene.

But what was happening beneath the moonlight was nothing like the poetry of the beautiful scenery.

Thud!

Crash!

"Guh—!"

Shirou Emiya crawled into the storehouse, using both his hands and feet. Anxiously, he looked around, trying to find something he could use as a weapon.

But the man pursuing him wouldn't let him do that.

"Is that it?"

A flash of red streaked by.

The crimson spear thrust toward Shirou Emiya, brimming with murderous intent.

"You—!"

At the last possible moment, Shirou Emiya unfurled the poster in his hand, which had a metallic sheen and had been rolled into a club, and used it as a shield.

Clang!

"Argh—!"

Shirou Emiya let out a cry of pain.

The spear pierced through the poster, which reverted to an ordinary sheet of paper.

The thrust barely lost any force, and even pierced the spotlight in the corner.

Crack.

As the spotlight went out, the storehouse grew noticeably darker.

"Argh—!"

The impact of the spear sent Shirou Emiya flying, and he slammed into the wall.

"Hah... hah..."

Shirou Emiya sat on the floor, clutching his heart with his right hand.

Just as he raised his head, intending to grab something he could use as a weapon—

"It's over. You gave me quite a scare just now, kid."

The man standing before him wore a blue bodysuit and held a red spear. He was the very man who'd been chasing him, and the spearpoint was aimed squarely at his heart.

"..."

Shirou Emiya knew he'd lost.

His gaze was fixed on the spearpoint. He hadn't even clearly heard what the man had said.

"Then let's finish this here."

The man moved his hand.

A flash of silver shot forward, aimed straight at Shirou Emiya's heart.

"Don't mess with me! How can I—"

At this life-or-death moment, Shirou Emiya shouted with all his might.

"—die here for nothing?!"

A miracle answered Shirou Emiya's cry. A glowing magic circle appeared beneath him.

"Huh? Could it be...?"

Amid a blinding light, a blue-clad girl in armor appeared in front of Shirou Emiya.

Clang!

The girl seemed to be holding something. She knocked aside the spear that had been about to pierce Shirou Emiya, then charged at the man without hesitation.

"Could she really be the seventh?!"

The man raised the spear that had been knocked aside, and clashed with the girl as she swung the "something" in her hand.

Sparks burst out once more!

"Tch."

Having taken a hit from the girl who'd just appeared, the spear-wielding man realized the storehouse put him at a disadvantage. He took a few steps back, then promptly withdrew.

The girl didn't pursue him. Instead, she stood where she was and slowly turned around.

Silver moonlight streamed into the storehouse, illuminating the girl in her knight's attire and lending her a sacred, noble air.

"..."

Shirou Emiya couldn't make a sound.

The girl before him was so beautiful that he was at a loss for words.

"..."

The girl gazed at Shirou Emiya with jewel-like eyes, her expression devoid of emotion.

"..."

"..."

After meeting Shirou's gaze for a long while, the girl tilted her head and spoke in a clear, resolute voice:

"Um... Master, Lancer popped the light. Does that mean we can't use this take?"

Not far away, a blue-haired boy sitting in the director's chair frowned at her words.

"Cut! We definitely can't use that take."

The boy waved the director's megaphone, signaling the rest of the crew to stop working.

"Everyone, hurry up and reset. We'll do another take in a bit."

With that, Shinji got up from his chair, walked to the center of the set, and reached down to pull Shirou to his feet.

"Thanks, Shinji."

Shirou brushed the dust off himself and said with a smile.

"Sure. Shirou, go change your clothes. It'll take a little while before we start again."

The boy named Shinji rested his hand against his chin and looked at Artoria as he spoke.

"Okay."

Shirou nodded.

He knew Shinji had something to say to the knightly girl, so he hurried away.

"Master, did you need something from me?"

Artoria asked Shinji directly. Her brisk, no-nonsense manner reminded him of a stern soldier.

Shinji nodded. "Yeah. Your expression was good, and you looked great on camera. Remember to keep it up when we reshoot."

"Is that so? Thank you for the praise."

Artoria nodded slightly. Even when praised, she showed little emotion.

Seeing how seriously his Servant took things, Shinji—who'd only meant to offer her a few pointers—found himself wanting to tease her.

"Saber, come here for a moment."

"What is it?"

Artoria walked over to Shinji, expressionless.

The Saber Shinji had summoned was the classic version of the King of Tackiness. With this Spirit Origin, Artoria stood only five feet one, reaching about to Shinji's shoulder. She was an exceptionally petite girl.

But a petite girl bearing the weight of an entire kingdom was a key part of Artoria's character to begin with.

Shinji had bigger plans, though. He wanted Saber to show a few more expressions. Even if she couldn't become a little angel like Saber Lily, he wanted her to act a bit more girlish, at least.

Otherwise, promoting the movie's cast is going to be a real pain.

Shinji sighed, raised the director's megaphone, and—while Artoria looked at him expectantly—bonked her on the head.

"Master, do you have a tendency to hit people without warning?"

Artoria looked at Shinji in confusion, completely baffled.

"Saber, I'm pretty sure I've told you this before!"

Shinji pressed the director's megaphone against Artoria's head and twirled it around.

"Until I, the director, call 'Cut,' you have to keep acting according to the script unless you're going to get hurt!"

Artoria nodded slightly. "Now that you mention it... I think you did say that. Sorry, Master. I was wrong."

"..."

Shinji's mouth twitched.

Artoria's tone was so utterly flat that it was hard to sense any sincerity in her apology.

No choice. You made me use my trump card.

Shinji lowered the director's megaphone, gently stroked Artoria's cheek, and flashed a roguish smile.

"I'm sure our dear King Arthur will remember every word her Master Director says and follow them to the letter, right?"

Before Artoria could answer, Shinji's expression changed. He lowered his voice and threatened her.

"If you don't, I'll use a Command Spell to forbid you from eating snacks on set!"

At those words, Artoria involuntarily took a step back.

"How could you... That's so unfair, Master."

Seeing that Artoria's gaze was no longer the cool, placid gaze of a still pond, but instead held a trace of panic, Shinji was quite satisfied.

As expected, getting through to a girl with such a dignified air is more rewarding than getting through to an ordinary girl. Especially when you peel away that icy exterior. It's the best.

"So, Saber, what's your answer?"