Butcher could no longer contain his emotions. "I still want to live a good life! I don't want to sacrifice myself at all! But, but if I don't do this, the Tide of Chaos will erupt just like it did two hundred years ago. I can only force myself!"
Tang Qi tried to comfort him. "You don't have to think about any of that. Keep living for yourself, until the day Merlin dies of old age."
"I know you've given me that freedom, but, but I just can't do it!"
Butcher kept shaking his head, his words coming faster. "I can't stop thinking about it—about how many people will die in the Wasteland when the Tide of Chaos erupts! Even if Merlin eventually takes this body, returns to the Windless Canyon, and keeps carrying out his duty.
"But I can't help wondering: what if someone gets blown up by a Fireball for no reason, even in that single instant?
"I can't be as unconcerned as you. I'm not that easygoing...
"But I have even less courage!
"I hate myself for not having the courage to sacrifice myself. And I hate myself even more for not having the courage to abandon everything and stop caring!"
Listening to the sheep's cries, Tang Qi remembered how he had collapsed halfway through his escape, as though giving up entirely, and shouted for them to hurry up and take him away.
He suddenly realized that Butcher had never actually intended to escape.
He had simply been tormented by his indecision, hoping someone else would make the choice for his cowardly self, even if they had to force him—
[Because he was kind by nature.]
So he did not actually need the freedom others offered him.
He needed someone to give him a push.
At that