Amusing Himself

At the end of Xiao Dong Men, Xue Ming returned to the paper-offering shop and went inside, leaving the two girls to wait outside.

He entered the main room and happened to see Mr. Chen busy in front of the altar. The fake foreigner was standing on a four-legged ladder, replacing the plaques bearing the shop's welcoming couplet.

Xue Ming greeted him. "Mr. Chen! I'm back. Need a hand?"

The blond, blue-eyed fortune-teller replied with a grin. "Sure. Pass me the plaque and give me a hand."

After Xue Ming helped Mr. Chen take down the old couplet and put up the new one, he saw what the old one had said:

"Do good deeds, and don't go asking ghosts and gods about it."

"If you have a guilty conscience, how dare you come into my shop?"

The horizontal scroll read, "What the hell are you even asking for?"

The three plaques were taken down and set beside the curtain in the back room.

Curious, Xue Ming asked, "Mr. Chen, what does your couplet mean?"

Mr. Chen slowly climbed down the ladder and explained, "Avoiding trouble."

Xue Ming was puzzled. "What kind of trouble?"

Mr. Chen dusted the plaster off his hands and straightened his black robe, then pointed at the plaques he'd taken down and explained, "No fortune-telling. Believe in science and reject superstition."

Coming from the owner of a paper-offering shop, those words sounded downright strange.

Mr. Chen crouched beside the old plaques and gave them a thorough wipe with a rag. Pointing to the couplet, he explained, "If you've done good deeds, there's no need to be so superstitious. And if you've done something you're ashamed of, I can't help you. That's what it means. What the hell are you even asking for?"

Xue Ming looked at the newly hung plaques.

The upper couplet read, "Be grateful to your mother for plain meals; cherish them deep in your heart."

The lower couplet read, "Kneel and thank your father for his fists, feet, and sticks; remember them until your dying day."

The horizontal scroll read, "Your child is simply unfilial!"

The exclamation mark had even been painted gold, making the mockery all the more pointed.

"This..." Xue Ming didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "Is this for me?"

"Oh, yes, yes, yes!" Mr. Chen fiddled with his sunglasses, his bright blue eyes full of playful cunning. "It's not just for you. It's Friday, so parents from the county and the city are picking their kids up after school. They'll come in to ask about their children's futures, and the things they ask are ridiculous. So I put up this couplet to make all the moms and dads reflect on themselves."

Xue Ming couldn't help thinking that Boss Ye and Mr. Chen were both unusual people.

He put the matter of the parents in Pingyang County aside for the moment. Mr. Chen was bustling around, dusting and polishing one statue after another, gilding them and keeping himself busy every second.

Xue Ming asked again, "Do you change the couplet every day?"

"That's right." Mr. Chen answered when he had a moment, sounding casual. "You know how people make an Instagram or Weibo account and post updates on Twitter every day? This is my update. Internet celebrities come to film videos, or how else would I make money? I'm going to outdo all those fake immortals who do nothing but swindle people!"

"Then..." Xue Ming thought of the bag of paper money. "Do you mean the things in your shop really work?"

"Don't—" The fake foreigner pursed his lips, looking alarmed. "—you mustn't say that. Nothing supernatural can come into being after the founding of the People's Republic. I just don't do business by cheating people. I never said I was effective! I'm not effective at all. Nothing here works, and there's nothing supernatural about it. It's broad daylight under a clear sky—where would ghosts come from?"

Once Mr. Chen had some free time, he finally sat down at the cashier's counter in the main room.

Xue Ming hadn't even gotten around to asking him anything.

Mr. Chen had already taken the initiative, pulled out the ledger, and started tapping away on his abacus.

"Two bags of paper money come to twelve yuan and eighty cents. Please settle the bill. Thank you."

For funeral goods, that really wasn't expensive.

Xue Ming dutifully opened his mobile banking app and paid.

Mr. Chen then asked, "Did you see your parents?"

"Yeah. When I got home, they came out to meet me. We argued a few times, and I was so angry I couldn't even speak. Then I took out the funeral offerings you gave me, and they disappeared." After answering, Xue Ming asked, "When did you hear about it, sir? Did you know all along? Did Brother Ye know too?"

"It's not convenient to go into detail." Mr. Chen took out a small notebook, as if he were taking a statement. "After you left with Bailu, the following year Old Man Jiang came to the county to apply for subsistence assistance. They turned him down."

Jiang Xueming recalled his parents arguing about this at home. He interrupted, confused. "Why? Could he not write?"

"Signing your name isn't a big deal." Mr. Chen continued, "The township officials have bad eyesight. They'll even let me, a foreigner who understands Chinese, sign for them. The problem was that your two dear old parents had money moving through their accounts—over a hundred thousand a year. They weren't eligible for assistance."

Jiang Xueming was surprised. "Where did that money come from?"

"The police investigated later. That was back when they were cracking down hard on organized crime." Mr. Chen scratched his head, trying to recall the details. "They found out both of your parents were human traffickers. They were old enough to have retired, but they still had the ambition to contribute to their criminal trade."

Jiang Xueming asked, "What happened after that?"

"They jumped into the river—the little pond in front of your house." Mr. Chen spoke as calmly as if he'd long since accepted death and seen too much of it. "The police were called in the morning, and the funeral was in the afternoon. When the seventh day came, I was on duty. I carried their two little urns and sent them off to their forever-warm home."

"Then..." Jiang Xueming thought of the words, "Who in the county doesn't know Old Man Jiang? There are more than two hundred households."

As if he'd read Xue Ming's mind, Mr. Chen jumped in with the answer. "They took everyone down."

"Yeah..."

Xue Ming felt a hollow sadness, and forgot Mr. Chen's warning—not to mention the taboo against asking about something that was inconvenient to discuss.

"Was what I saw a hallucination? Mr. Chen, I..."

"Oh, oh, oh!" Mr. Chen raised his pinkie, looking thoroughly on guard. "You're not going to listen, are you?"

"Sorry. I won't bring it up again." Xue Ming also remembered that Mr. Chen had handled his parents' funeral. Naturally, the two bundles of paper money for this trip home had been funeral offerings Mr. Chen had arranged for him to take back long ago.

"If you're really curious, all I can say is..." Mr. Chen looked helplessly at the unlucky, curious kid. "You saw a hallucination. As it happens, I've got medicine here that treats hallucinations. I don't understand why it works, either. It's like how we've been using electricity for so long without knowing why electrons have positive and negative charges, or how they produce electric fields and power."

"After their seventh day, your parents came back and refused to leave the house. It was like they were waiting for someone. They were so strange and bad-tempered that they were hard to talk to."

"I figured you'd be able to handle it when you came back to Pingyang, so I had you take some offerings home and put the matter to rest."

Xue Ming wanted to ask a few more questions. Xiao Qi had once said that these unknown things were spirit entities or Spirit Calamities, and he might run into them again someday.

"Stop looking at me like a curious little kid. I'm not that capable. I'm just a barefoot doctor." Mr. Chen looked torn. "If we get into it any deeper, it's just feudal superstition. Let's leave it there. Believe in science and reject superstition."

"I also wish people in our line of work had proper professional licenses. Like lactation consultants and massage therapists—we could get certified as exorcists or feng shui masters. Maybe we'd even get a pay raise. It'd be a way to deal with all the shady, unlicensed operators who spend their days swindling people and ruining entire families."

"Thank you." Xue Ming bowed solemnly.

Xiao Qi had been waiting outside for a long time and was getting impatient. She kept peeking inside.

Hearing the fake foreigner talk as if he knew everything made her itch with curiosity. Suddenly, she stepped inside.

"Sir! Do you tell fortunes?"

Xue Ming and Mr. Chen both froze and turned to look at Xiao Qi.

Mr. Chen turned to Xue Ming and whispered, "Is this your wife?"

Xue Ming turned to Mr. Chen and whispered back, "She's my housekeeper."

"These days, you can't just hire a young nanny and get involved with her, Xue Ming. Think carefully before you answer. I know this kind of case well. A couple of months ago, some boss said his nanny had gotten pregnant and jumped out of a window, leaving two dead. He came here in a panic to ask for a talisman for good fortune, so I turned around and sent him to the police station." Mr. Chen first gave Xue Ming a lecture.

Then he smiled at the pretty young woman and asked, "Miss, what's with this 'housekeeper' business?"

"Oh!" Xiao Qi didn't care at all about what she was called. She explained, "I take care of his food, drink, laundry, and cooking. If he gets a pet, I look after it. When he goes out, I book his cars, hotels, and flights. If he's unhappy, I take him to a therapist. If he gets sick or hurt, I look after him. I keep him safe and help him deal with enemies who show up at his door. I look after his mental health, too—not just his, but his little sister's as well."

Mr. Chen lowered his voice and said to Xue Ming, "Isn't that your dad?"

Xue Ming suddenly saw the point. "You're right. So that's what it is—she's my dad."

"What are you talking about with 'dad'?" Xiao Qi was getting impatient and wanted to get straight to the point. She asked Mr. Chen, "Sir, do you tell fortunes? Do you think he and I have a chance? I'll pay you eighty yuan for a reading. If we don't, I can pay extra. Tell me, does my fatherly love have a chance to turn into something else?"

"Hold on." Mr. Chen stood up. "Let me see your hands."

Xiao Qi stretched out both hands, waiting excitedly.

"You're reading my palms? Huh?!"

Mr. Chen lowered his head and considered them. "Hmm. You're quick on your feet and clearly used to working. Your hands aren't soft and delicate like those of young women these days. How about helping me change a plaque?"

Xiao Qi and Xue Ming both froze. Hadn't he just changed them?

"Change them again." Mr. Chen looked at the expressions on the faces of the man and woman. "It's Friday, and couples sneaking off together on their day off come here to ask about love. The trouble with my shop is that every customer who comes and goes only gets to see one update. Give me a hand, will you?"

With that, the two of them followed Mr. Chen into the back room, carried out three plaques, and replaced the altar's couplet.

The upper couplet read, "Picking up men and hooking up with women is worse than hiring a plastic surgery team; seven injuries, eight ailments, vomiting and diarrhea, but boundless good fortune in love."

The lower couplet read, "Asking for a matchmaker is worse than hoping your ancestral home gets demolished; four bedrooms, five living rooms, someone in each arm, and cats and dogs too."

The horizontal scroll read, "Heartbreak: from loving people to loving money."

After a while, the man and woman stood beneath the plaques, gazing at them in deep thought.

Xiao Qi pressed her palms together and bowed reverently to Mr. Chen. "Master, I understand now."

Mr. Chen nodded in a similarly solemn fashion and spouted nonsense with a straight face. "Though I don't know what you've realized, it must be something profound. May you two benefactors find a happy ending."

Xue Ming understood and secretly chuckled to himself.

Then Xiao Qi made it impossible for him to keep laughing.

"I'm happy to raise cats and dogs. We don't need the money from the demolition, and we're attractive enough that we don't need plastic surgery. We'll definitely be happy together. Thank you, Master!"

After Xiao Qi skipped out the door, she told Bailu about the wisdom she'd just gleaned.

"Little sister-in-law! Listen—the master inside just taught me something incredibly profound through that couplet. Heartbreak usually happens when two people's attitudes change, when they stop loving each other and start loving money. That's how bitterness is born."

Xue Ming leaned over to Mr. Chen and whispered, "Can you really interpret the couplet that way? I thought it meant that instead of spending all your time thinking about romance, you should live practically and take good care of yourself. After a breakup, loving someone is still better than loving money."

"Sometimes you really have to admire kind people." Mr. Chen grinned. "Your dad's a lot livelier than you. She knows how to live—she really does."

With the matter settled, Xue Ming thanked him again, sincerely. He had no idea how long it would be before they met again.

Jiang Xueming headed out and waved goodbye over his shoulder. He planned to return to the airport, meet up with A Xing, rent a place near his little sister's school, and make his other plans from there.

There was still plenty he needed to do.

"Mr. Chen, I'm off."

Mr. Chen waved, wearing the same fake, professional smile as Jiang Xueming. "Come by anytime!"

Xue Ming paused for a moment—

—then realized that the worldly paper-offering shop owner had hidden mockery in every word and gesture to bring some life and warmth to Jiang Xueming's wooden, perfunctory manner.

Jiang Xueming said again, "Thank you."

As if on reflex, Bailu chimed in after her older brother. "Thank you, Uncle Chen!"

The three outside grew farther and farther away.

Mr. Chen leaned against the doorframe and watched from a distance as their figures gradually disappeared into the busy university food street.

He went back beneath the plaques. The cabinets on either side were surrounded by half the Heavenly Court and half Thunder Sound Temple. He tilted his head and gave the couplet another look.

He rubbed his chin, calm and thoughtful.

"I didn't expect that couplet to have two meanings. The Chinese language really is profound!"

As if savoring the thought, he straightened up, threw a punch, and pumped his fist in celebration.

"I'm a fucking genius! Oh yeah!"