You Really Aren't Any Good in Bed, Are You?

"Let the changes of the cosmos unfold; transform me into the king."

A dreamlike voice echoed in his ears.

Oscar jolted awake, his eyes wide and his chest heaving. His hand, braced against the rickety wooden bed, trembled.

"Wait..."

He blurted it out on reflex, then looked around in confusion, cautiously taking in his surroundings.

The small wooden cabin was cramped but cozy. Sunlight streamed through the window, casting a long, warm stripe across the bed.

Two potted plants sat on the windowsill, their graceful leaves swaying gently.

Distant memories surged into his mind.

This was...

His school back on Douluo Continent.

He rose quietly and opened the shabby wardrobe by the door.

One piece... two pieces. Everything matched the memories buried deep within him.

Had he come back?

But how could that be...

Could it have been... a dream? A dream so vivid it was hard to tell from reality?

He couldn't help wondering. That other world had been so wonderful, and so real.

Besides, Taiji from Wudang had kept him in excellent health. His body shouldn't be this frail now.

But he was certain this wasn't a dream.

He could feel the meridians within him—and the qi flowing through them, utterly unlike Soul Power. He could also sense the surge of the world's vital energy around him.

"Could I have fallen into the Inner Scene..."

Even for a highly accomplished cultivator, Feng Hou Qi Gate had an exceptionally high barrier to entry.

One careless move could trap someone in the Inner Scene, leaving them under Feng Hou Qi Gate's control. In the best-case scenario, they could end up like Master Hong, stuck in the Qi Gate formation and barely keeping their consciousness intact. One wrong move, and they could meet the same fate as many Wudang elders, lost to Feng Hou Qi Gate.

The remaining inheritors of Feng Hou Qi Gate were Master Hong, Master Lu, Master Dong, Senior Brother Wang Ye, the elder Zhou Sheng—if he was still alive—and Oscar himself!

Fortunately, there was a way to tell whether he was still in the Inner Scene: see if he could make his wishes come true.

Oscar's greatest regret was that he couldn't use the Man Disk and God Disk among the Four Disks of Heaven Earth Man and God. So to test things, he would have to try Feng Hou Qi Gate!

With that thought, Oscar pivoted on his feet. The Four Disks of Heaven Earth Man and God appeared beneath him in a flash. The Heaven and Earth Disks gleamed blue, while the Man and God Disks remained dark.

Looking at the locked Man and God Disks, Oscar sighed. Still, he couldn't help feeling relieved. He reached up and rubbed his chin.

"I'm not in the Inner Scene... Could it be... Chaos Gold Lock?"

Chaos Gold Lock was Feng Hou Qi Gate's ability to control time. It was hard to believe, but it was the only explanation he could think of.

Once he'd figured that out, Oscar instinctively understood what he had to do.

A cultivator should go with the flow. Since fate had brought him back, he would follow its will: if he was weak, he would look after himself; if he was strong, he would help the world.

Now that he had returned to Douluo Continent with Feng Hou Qi Gate, his first task was to repay his adoptive father's kindness and uncover the truth about his parents' deaths. Once he had done all that and grown strong enough, he would devote his life to the prosperity of Douluo Continent.

As for explaining his return to his master and senior brothers one day, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it. The Dao followed nature...

"The road stretches on, but today begins beneath my feet."

Oscar spoke as he headed for the door. He was hungry now.

But just as he reached the doorway, the door burst open with a bang, kicked in from outside. The spinning wooden panel skimmed past Oscar's nose and slammed into the wall.

"Little Ao, time to train! Hurry up!"

A chubby little boy with a round belly barged in and called out boisterously.

"Hey, Fatty! Could you not barge in like that every time? You trying to scare the life out of me?"

This boy was Ma Hongjun, two years younger than Oscar.

They had both been found in small villages by Dean Flender, but Oscar had been taken in earlier—Flender had adopted him shortly after he was born.

When Oscar was six, he awakened an Innate Full Soul Power Food-type Martial Soul: Sausage.

Two years later, Flender found Ma Hongjun, whose exceptionally rare Mutated Martial Soul was the Evil Fire Phoenix, evolved from a grass chicken!

Their Martial Souls each had their strengths. Oscar's greatest stage was the battlefield, while Ma Hongjun's was the Soul Master Tournament.

So after finding Ma Hongjun, Flender—who took the tournament very seriously—paid him special attention. And since both Ma Hongjun's and Flender's Martial Souls were bird-type, Ma Hongjun had been much more spoiled than Oscar ever since he was little. The only downside was the Evil Fire he carried. If he bottled it up for too long, it could make him explode.

That was what happened when Flender kept taking him to the Red-light District. It made him lose his vitality far too young, leaving him with his current short, stout build.

"Oscar, why are you talking so funny?"

Ma Hongjun scratched his head, taken aback by Oscar's strange accent, which he had no idea where he'd picked up.

"Let's go."

Oscar didn't care whether Ma Hongjun was confused. He slung an arm around his shoulders and headed outside.

Though Oscar had spent more than ten years in another world, he still remembered Shrek's training regimen vividly.

Put kindly, Shrek's training was tailored to each student. Put less kindly, it was a free-for-all.

More specifically, the two of them ran laps around the nearby village to build stamina. Whenever they got hungry, they ate sausages Oscar made with his Martial Soul to improve their Martial Soul compatibility.

Each training session lasted all day, which meant they skipped both breakfast and lunch. Well... that was very much in keeping with Flender's style.

Oscar figured that if Flender had been born in that other world, people would surely have called him Flender the Skin-Flayer and hung him from a lamppost.

Of course, it was just a passing thought. He still respected his adoptive father.

After all...

Anyone who studied Feng Hou Qi Gate was bound to be at least a little curious.

By now, the two boys were jogging along a dirt road through the countryside. The sun shone brightly, a breeze drifted past, and the scent of grass and trees that it carried was wonderfully soothing.

Oscar followed behind Ma Hongjun, his eyes flickering slightly.

But after going to the Red-light District to suppress his Evil Fire, the chubby boy's personality had become more and more lecherous.

At best, his heart would grow tainted, holding back his future. At worst, he would squander his vitality and shorten his life.

From what Oscar could see, the boy's personality had already begun to change. He hadn't bullied women, but he often made insulting comments about them, and had even started acting somewhat violent toward Oscar.

If it had been someone else, Oscar wouldn't have given him a second glance. He would have let things take their course. After all... everyone was responsible for their own life. What did it have to do with him?

But this was Ma Hongjun. In the two years after he first arrived at Shrek, before he started going to the Red-light District, the boy had followed Oscar around every day, calling him "brother" at every turn.

He was loud and had no filter, but he wasn't a bad person. He'd even risk his life for his friends and family, going through fire and water for them.

Oscar couldn't just let him carry on like this. He had to find a way to help him.

With that thought, Oscar quickened his pace and caught up with Ma Hongjun, who was running ahead with his head down.

"Have you turned over a new leaf or something? Why are you running so fast today?"

Ma Hongjun panted heavily, turning to look Oscar up and down in disbelief.

Was this really Oscar, who usually ran out of breath and looked like he was about to drop dead?

"Forget that. Fatty, I have a way to cure your Evil Fire for good."

"Seriously?"

Ma Hongjun rolled his eyes. He didn't believe Oscar really had a solution. If he did, there was no way he would have waited until now to say so. Oscar would've told him ages ago.

Still, he intended to hear him out. Partly out of curiosity, and partly because something about Oscar seemed strange today. It was as if... he'd become a different person.

"I have a cultivation method passed down in my sect, but the path is dull and painful."

Seeing Oscar's furrowed brow and earnest expression, Ma Hongjun was half convinced.

"If it really..."

Oscar knew what Ma Hongjun was about to say, and immediately raised a hand to stop him.

"Cultivation is serious business. Don't make a rash decision. I'll give you three days to think it over. Come find me then."

The sun was setting. Two breathless boys approached Shrek Academy, their silhouettes slowly drawing nearer beneath the evening sky.

At the entrance to Shrek Academy, a middle-aged man stood waiting atop a stone pillar. He was Oscar's adoptive father and Ma Hongjun's master: Flender.

"Not bad today. You two didn't slack off for once. Keep this up, and Shrek will surely become famous across Douluo Continent."

Flender laughed, patted the boys on the shoulders, and led them inside.

Oscar studied Flender. He might not have understood before, but after learning so much about the Dao, how could he fail to see that Flender was still a pure-yang man?

It surprised him. Flender had taken Ma Hongjun to the Red-light District plenty of times. Could he have been born with a defect?

At the thought, Oscar patted Flender's arm sympathetically and lowered his voice.

"Dean Flender, if you have any hidden ailment, you can come to me anytime."

He was his adoptive father, after all. Oscar felt it was his duty to help treat him.