A Doomed Loser

"It's nothing, Anko."

Orochimaru didn't explain further. Then he saw a girl named Shizune walking toward the cemetery with an umbrella. She stopped in front of another gravestone and paid her respects in silence, speaking to it again and again.

Orochimaru fell silent once more. That was Dan Katō, who had died during a mission with him—and, as he recalled, one he had led...

He wanted to escape the cemetery, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. Instead, he kept asking himself a question.

Just how afraid was he of death?

Was he more afraid of disappointing his teacher, or of dying?

Was he more afraid of being forgotten, or more fascinated by the jutsu in this world?

Orochimaru felt lost.

He was so obsessed with researching jutsu to avoid death and tragedy, to make sure neither he nor the people around him would die.

But why did he still have to witness so many deaths in Konoha? Why did people keep dying around him? And why wouldn't even his teacher believe in him?

So he wanted to find the answer in the hearts of those who wished to speak with the dead. He wanted to understand why all of this had happened.

He wanted to understand what he was really thinking.

"Teacher Orochimaru, the war will be over soon. You don't have to be so sad."

Thinking Orochimaru was simply grieving, Mitaraishi Anko took his cold hand and carefully held her umbrella over him, letting the rain fall on herself instead.

Orochimaru said nothing. He simply took the umbrella and drew Anko closer, letting her lean against him.

But Anko only felt a chill from being close to him, while Orochimaru felt a little warmth.

After a moment of silence, Orochimaru spoke.

"Anko, it seems you really want to go back to the battlefield?"

He asked her, and Anko, not quite understanding what he meant, nodded.

"Yeah. Everyone else went to the battlefield, but I didn't. It makes me feel like a coward. And everyone's been making a name for themselves out there, especially that Qingtan guy. A Wood Release ninja, huh... Honestly, he used to seem so ordinary, always going on about big ideas. And he's always trying to steal Kurenai from me!"

When Anko mentioned Qingtan, she gave an annoyed snort.

Orochimaru didn't know what to say about his student. He had protected her too well; she had no idea how terrifying the battlefield could be.

She thought the little she had seen was the worst of it.

Just like...

Just like Nawaki back then.

But he quickly suppressed the stirring in his heart, stroked Anko's head, and asked her a question.

He often heard her mention someone named Qingtan. He knew Murata Qingtan was Asuma's teammate, practically his bodyguard, but he had never actually learned much about him.

"Then, Anko, is there anyone you care about? Someone you hate, or someone you like?"

Anko still didn't understand what Orochimaru meant. She thought for a moment, then answered.

"The person I like most is probably Kurenai. She's so kind. And the person I hate most is probably Qingtan. He always acts so mature, and I really don't understand why Kurenai likes him! I think he's just average! He's like an old man, so boring. All he does is think about the meaning of being a ninja. Last time we met, he was saying something about how ninjas could do ordinary people's jobs..."

Anko began listing all the things she disliked about Li Ke. Orochimaru listened quietly, stroking her head.

He didn't know what kind of person Murata Qingtan was, but he knew his student was probably going to have her heart broken.

By the time she realized, like Jiraiya, that all the ways she cared about Li Ke meant she liked him, that Wood Release ninja named Murata Qingtan would probably already be married to that girl named Yuhi Kurenai.

And the thoughts of this Wood Release ninja... were dangerous.

So, after a moment's hesitation, he spoke.

"Anko, sometimes you have to hold on tight to the things you care about. If you let your guard down even a little, you could lose everything."

He couldn't help thinking of himself. If he hadn't let his guard down because of Nawaki's pleas, if he hadn't let his guard down because of Dan Katō's abilities, would the people around him still have died? Would his teacher still have given up on him?

Looking at Mitaraishi Anko's bewildered expression, Orochimaru thought he saw Nawaki again. He knew he shouldn't think that way, but he couldn't help it. And once again, he thought of his teacher.

And his teacher's decision.

He knew why his teacher had distanced himself: Orochimaru had gotten too close to Danzo, and his methods were too much like Danzo's. Both of them were willing to sacrifice some of their own people to achieve their goals.

But when Orochimaru had sacrificed those people, they had either been treacherous traitors or people who had already accepted their fate. That wasn't the same as Danzo.

And as for the experiments...

After sacrificing so many people, how could he accept failure?

Thinking of the faces of the Wood Release experiment volunteers, who had suffered severe rejection reactions but still asked him with concern whether anyone had succeeded, Orochimaru fell silent again.

The emergence of a new Wood Release ninja proved that Wood Release hadn't been a one-time miracle.

"So... I was right, Teacher..."

Murmuring to himself, Orochimaru didn't look again at Tsunade, whom Shizune was comforting. He clenched his fists and walked home with Anko.

He had already found a jutsu that could bring the dead back to life. Once he had finished researching Wood Release, he could devote himself to studying that jutsu.

And when he finally succeeded, he would go see Tsunade again.

But for now...

He truly didn't have the face to meet her.

So, so...

"Anko, there's something I want to ask you to do."

Orochimaru suddenly turned to his student, Anko.

"Hm? What is it, Teacher Orochimaru?"

Anko looked at her teacher in confusion and asked.

"When Murata Qingtan returns to the village, could you arrange for me to meet him? There's something important I want to ask him."

Anko froze. Her face went a little pale. She thought Orochimaru wanted to punish Li Ke because she had said bad things about him!

So she asked quietly,

"D-Do you have something against him?"

Orochimaru hesitated. He didn't even know what sort of role he should take when meeting that Wood Release ninja!