"The Sun: Exclusive! Irrefutable Proof! Li Luo Is Football's Last Good Man! Blonde Girls! Blonde Girls Every Time!"
Subheading: From Munich to London, from the Isar River to the River Thames, did the Manchester United King's "map of European conquests" actually cover just one square kilometer? The Sun tearfully brings you this heartbreaking tale of devotion!
Reporter: Graham Smith.
[This reporter has spent twenty-seven years in the business and seen too many scandals.]
Beckham's texts, Terry and his teammate's wife, Giggs and his brother's wife, Rooney and the grandmother... Premier League stars were like buses with broken brakes, hurtling toward the moral cliff again and again.
So when this reporter photographed Li Luo on a date with a blonde woman, he felt nothing.
Another one. Next.
But this time, this reporter was wrong.
Spectacularly wrong.
More wrong than a Jones own goal.
[Let us review the timeline.]
The first time.
Munich, beside the Isar River. Three degrees below zero.
A blonde girl crouched beneath a streetlamp, her nose red from the cold, waiting for a man who had just finished a match.
Li Luo draped his coat over her shoulders, and the two shared a big Weißwurst.
This reporter thought at the time: Another one. A little Bavarian antelope. Next.
The second time.
Cheshire Manor, early morning, outside a café.
A figure with a blonde ponytail held a bag and smiled shyly.
Li Luo took her back to the manor to make breakfast.
This reporter thought at the time: Why blonde again?
The third time.
Tonight.
London, beside the River Thames, after the FA Cup final.
A figure with long, wavy blonde hair stood on the riverbank, the night breeze blowing a strand across the corner of her mouth.
Li Luo gave her his FA Cup winner's medal.
This reporter