The Ridiculous System

"System, I swear to fucking..."

Lin Xun sat on the steps of the plaza outside the East Sea Spirit Pagoda. He had thought his many years of experience had taught him to remain as calm as still water, at least to some extent, but he had still lost his composure.

He held the Phantom Feather Sparrow's Soul Spirit orb in his hands. The pale purple bird fluttered inside, scattering silvery-white specks of light from its wingtips onto his palms. They felt cool against his skin. Its quality was indeed good.

The problem was that he couldn't absorb it.

He had spent a full twenty minutes trying. Sitting cross-legged, meditating, entering a trance, guiding it with his spiritual power—he had gone through every standard step.

The Phantom Feather Sparrow had been perfectly cooperative, waiting obediently inside the Soul Spirit orb for him to absorb it. At one point, it had even tilted its head and pecked at its own wing, probably wondering why this human kept striking poses without doing anything.

The result was that nothing budged.

The contract array inside the Soul Spirit orb wouldn't even light up. His body's rejection of Soul Spirits was absurdly strong, as though it had a firewall installed that barred every foreign spirit from entering.

Lin Xun took a deep breath. Three hundred thousand down the drain, a gold card wasted, twenty minutes spent sitting for nothing. None of that mattered.

What really made him lose his composure was that this body was defective, and he had only just discovered it.

"Explain."

"Host, please wait. Scanning the current body's parameters."

A few seconds passed.

"Scan complete. Current body designation: Fourth Generation—Legend of the Dragon King Compatible Edition. The factory settings contain a compatibility defect in the Soul Spirit absorption module. Simply put, this body cannot absorb any Soul Spirits."

"Factory settings? Compatibility defect?" Lin Xun raised an eyebrow. "You're saying the body regenerated through my bloodline this time is a defective product?"

"You could put it that way."

"Then why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"This system only just detected it as well. The Soul Spirit absorption module is a hidden parameter. Unless the host actively attempts to absorb a Soul Spirit, the system cannot trigger the diagnostic program."

Lin Xun closed his eyes. He counted to ten in his head, only to discover that ten was nowhere near enough to suppress his anger, so he counted another ten.

It still wasn't enough.

He decided to count to a hundred.

He gave up at forty-seven.

"System, you provided this body's bloodline transformation. Your product has a quality issue. What are you going to do about it?"

"This system understands the host's dissatisfaction. However, it must be clarified that this system is not the manufacturer of the bodies, only the distributor. All body bloodline transformations are purchased from a third-party platform."

"What platform?"

"Pin Shaoshao."

Lin Xun: "..."

"Say that again?"

"Pin Shaoshao. A cross-dimensional e-commerce platform known for its low prices and group-buying model. This system has a limited operating budget and cannot purchase authentic body bloodline transformations through official channels, so it can only choose more cost-effective alternatives. The previous three bodies were also purchased from Pin Shaoshao, but quality control was stricter for that batch, and no similar problems occurred. The supplier changed for the fourth-generation body, and quality inspection was cut back."

Lin Xun put away the Phantom Feather Sparrow's Soul Spirit orb, his gaze suddenly sharpening. "I've lived through three eras on the Douluo Continent and changed bodies four times, and every single body was bought from Pin Shaoshao?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Pin Shaoshao's slogan?"

"The more you group-buy, the more you save."

"Have you ever considered one thing? Is a body really something you can group-buy?"

"Theoretically, any product can be purchased through group buying, provided it meets cross-dimensional shipping standards. Bodies are bulk commodities with relatively high shipping costs. Group buying helps spread those costs."

Lin Xun held himself back again and again, but finally couldn't take it anymore. "So you bought cheap from Pin Shaoshao and pocketed the difference all these years?"

"Host, do not baselessly slander this system's good name!"

The system's voice rang out with righteous conviction.

"When consuming system energy, this system only takes the black bean sauce noodle flavor, with a little garlic flavor on the side at most. All these years, I've worked conscientiously for the sole purpose of serving the host."

"Well, well, you're a regular Zhao Dehan." Lin Xun stood up with his arms folded and sneered. "Not spending it means you didn't embezzle it?"

"I see you're trying to pull an In the Name of the System on me."

"Then what does the host request?" The system's meek voice came through, sounding noticeably guiltier.

"Give me a refund and take it back!"

"A return is not feasible. Bodies are custom products with a one-time binding and cannot be returned once activated. Pin Shaoshao's after-sales policy allows no returns or exchanges after activation. All this system can do is file a complaint with the supplier and seek a refund without return. But that process is very lengthy and may take many years..."

"So I'm stuck using this body?" Lin Xun frowned slightly.

"That is correct."

"Regarding this issue, this system has already devised a compensation plan. The host's inability to absorb Soul Spirits can be offset through another method: direct compensation of three compatible Soul Rings."

"Be specific," Lin Xun said flatly.

"The host currently has two rings. This system will provide three additional compatible Soul Rings free of charge, automatically unlocking when the host reaches levels thirty, forty, and fifty respectively. Their attributes will perfectly match the host's Martial Soul. The auxiliary combat capabilities provided by Soul Spirits will be partially compensated for by optimizing the performance of the Soul Ring capsules."

"Partially compensated?"

"Full compensation requires a paid unlock."

"You motherfucker!"

"Just kidding. Full compensation is free."

Lin Xun decided not to argue with the system anymore. Mainly because arguing was useless. This damned system hadn't become unreliable overnight.

"Fine. Three free Soul Rings. I'll remember that. Hurry up and handle the refund without return from Pin Shaoshao. Also..."

He paused.

"From now on, when I buy something, don't source it from Pin Shaoshao."

"Then what platform does the host recommend?"

"At the very least, Gou Dong's own store."

"Gou Dong's cross-dimensional shipping rates are three times higher than Pin Shaoshao's. This system's operating budget..."

"Do you want me to play Hou Liangping for once?"

"Deal."

Having settled the issue, Lin Xun didn't return to the dormitory. Instead, he went to an upscale restaurant and entered a private room he had reserved in advance.

After an indeterminate amount of time, a slender figure landed soundlessly in the middle of the room.

She looked like a young girl, with short hair styled into two buns, a short top and skirt, and two little bells tied at her waist. Her face was round, and her eyes were big and bright, like the little girl next door who had just come home from school. Anyone who saw her would want to pinch her cheeks.

"Na Nali greets my lord."

The girl knelt on one knee, her head lowered, her voice as clear as a wind chime. Her posture was impeccably deferential, but as she knelt, the floor beneath her knee darkened slightly, as though something had scorched it.

Lin Xun raised a hand. "Get up."

His dealings with Na Nali dated back to his previous body. It had taken some effort to bring her under his control back then. Naturally, his purpose had been to pave the way for his current body to complete its missions.

Na Nali sprang to her feet, clasped her hands behind her back, and skipped over to Lin Xun. Her movements and expression were those of an innocent girl, but once she drew close, Lin Xun's face was reflected in those big, bright eyes.

"My lord, you've changed your face." She tilted her head, her tone carrying a coquettish curiosity. "Your last face was quite handsome. Why change it?"

"As long as it does the job." Lin Xun gave her a sidelong glance. "Stop staring."

"Just one little look." Na Nali rose onto her tiptoes and leaned closer, until her nose nearly touched his.

Her breath was cold, carrying an indescribable scent that was both sweet and bloody.

"Mm, this face is young and tender. Are you planning to relive your youth, my lord?"

"Step back."

"Yes."

She obediently retreated two steps, that cloyingly sweet smile still on her face.

Lin Xun folded his hands together and asked, "What's the Holy Spirit Cult up to now?"

Na Nali's smile remained unchanged, but her gaze grew a little more serious. She cleared her throat and began, "Our biggest current plan targets Shrek City."

"Two shells. Grade-twelve god-slaying Fixed Soul Cannon Shells."

She held up two fingers in a peace sign, creating a particularly jarring contrast with her innocent, doll-like face.

"One to blow up Shrek Academy, one to blow up the Tang Sect Headquarters. Once those two mushroom clouds rise, all of Shrek City will disappear from the map. Clean and efficient."

"Mm, understood." Though many of Lin Xun's memories of the original storyline had grown hazy, he still remembered major events like this very clearly.

It made sense that the Holy Spirit Cult had spent so many years preparing its plan against Shrek City.

There were some things he could leave alone, but everything had to remain within his grasp so he could smoothly handle any unexpected developments. Nothing could interfere with his grand undertaking of breaking up.

"What about Leng Yulai?" Lin Xun suddenly remembered her and asked.

Na Nali had been playing with the little bells at her waist. At his question, her fingers paused. A bell gave half a clear chime before she pressed her palm over it.

"Her? Same as ever. Completely mad. Nobody dares provoke her."

"Honestly, I think Leng Yulai is scarier than other Evil Soul Masters. Normal Evil Soul Masters kill for a purpose, whether it's cultivation or something else. She kills purely because she wants to. Without a purpose, there's no pattern. Without a pattern, there's no predicting her. Everyone fears someone they can't predict."

Lin Xun paused briefly, seemingly unsurprised. The name Leng Yulai was an unavoidable hurdle in his long career as a Sea King.

Not because she was particularly special, but mainly because she was the only woman he could have won over yet hadn't.

There was only one reason—she was too crazy.

Back when he had been with Leng Yaozhu, she had wanted to kill them both.

"I thought you would win over both sisters back then, my lord. I never imagined you were so farsighted that you knew what Leng Yulai was like and only won over her older sister," Na Nali said meaningfully.

"Shut up."

Na Nali mimed zipping her mouth shut, but the corners of her lips remained raised.

"But seriously."

She still couldn't hold back and unzipped it again. "My lord, were your feelings for Leng Yaozhu genuine back then? I watched the whole thing, and toward the end, even I couldn't make sense of it. At first it seemed real, in the middle it seemed like an act, and by the end it seemed real again. Your emotions fluctuated so much during that time that even I almost thought you were going to abandon your grand Sea King enterprise for her."

The question came unexpectedly, and Lin Xun didn't answer immediately. After a long pause, he smiled.

"Genuine or not, a breakup is a breakup. A Sea King doesn't talk about true feelings. If you start talking about true feelings, you can't be a Sea King."

"Stubborn." Na Nali pursed her lips but didn't pursue the question.

This lord of hers was, on the surface, a great big womanizing radish. Leng Yaozhu on one side, Ya Li on the other—he simply wouldn't let either slip away, utterly fearless even when it meant making enemies of the greatest prodigies of that era.

Yet strangely, after winning them over, he seemed to like them less. He could extricate himself swiftly, even going into hiding for decades until now.

Leng Yaozhu had hunted him for all those years, and even now, she was reportedly still furious.

"Did you protect the person I told you to save before I left?" Lin Xun suddenly lifted his eyes and asked.

"Of course. How could I dare disobey your command, my lord?" Na Nali stepped back twice and clapped her hands toward the side.

A figure emerged from the shadows, wearing a plain white dress, her features cool and aloof, her long black hair draped over her shoulders.

Lin Xun looked at her, narrowing his eyes slightly, his thoughts unreadable.

Na Nali introduced her from the side. "As you instructed, my lord, after saving her back then, I settled her in the Far North to recover. When I received the news this time, I brought her back from there."

"You didn't give away my whereabouts, did you?"

Lin Xun suddenly looked worried, almost blatantly so, without trying to hide it.

"No." Na Nali shook her head, then asked in puzzlement, "I just don't understand how you established connections in the Far North, my lord. And you seem very reluctant to face them..."

"It's a long story." Unwilling to elaborate, Lin Xun could only brush her off.

Na Nali chuckled. "Then make a long story short!"

"Get lost!"

"..."

The dormitory was silent.

Inside, Zhou Changxi's quilt was scrunched into a heap at the corner of his bed, while Yun Xiao's was folded as neatly as a block of tofu. Neither had returned yet.

Xie Xie lay on his bed, ears pricked, listening for a long while. There were no footsteps in the corridor and no running water in the bathroom.

Safe!

He reached beneath his pillow, rummaged around for a while, and pulled out a book.

The cover was dark blue, with large gold-embossed lettering, and the binding looked quite respectable. Several large words stood prominently on the cover.

A Scumbag's Self-Cultivation.

"Brother Xun said this was a secret manual." Xie Xie rubbed his hands together, his eyes shining. "That trick he taught me last time, 'let them go to reel them in,' worked really well. Let's see if there's anything even better this time."

He reverently opened the first page.

But after reading only a few lines, he turned to stone.

"Holy shit." Xie Xie lowered his voice, which cracked anyway. "Did Brother Xun give me the wrong book?!"

He hurriedly checked the cover again, only then discovering that A Scumbag's Self-Cultivation was merely a book jacket. The actual title was underneath.

When he opened it, the words were written unmistakably.

Qiongming Record.

Xie Xie hadn't intended to read it, but when he thought of the contents he had just seen, he couldn't help feeling an itch of curiosity.

Could Brother Xun want me to learn from the contents?

I'll just read a tiny bit more...

In reality, Xie Xie was simply overthinking it. After messing up Lin Xun's digital comic last time, this damned system had sent the wrong book again!

But there was one thing he had right.

It was all stuff the system loved reading.