System: Coach, I Want a Different Author!

The system remembered that when it had given Russell the skill Poison Tongue, its evaluation had been: Conversations always ended because of him. Now it seemed it had been fucking prescient; its judgment had been exceptionally accurate. Russell had mocked it so badly that it did not even know what to say.

But the contract had to be signed. It switched to a slightly gentler tone. "Having completed three World Quests, you have qualified to become a host. Signing the contract benefits both of us. I deceived you out of goodwill, and also as a form of self-protection. My previous hosts were so terrible that they drove me to despair!"

Russell became interested. "You make it sound like you're some disadvantaged group. Aren't you an omnipotent system?"

"I am only a program. I cannot be omnipotent!"

"A program with a commander?"

"Your words are full of distrust and discrimination. I am a form of life, and you cannot deny that."

"That's right. I really don't believe you!"

System: "..."

"Don't stop. Keep talking."

"My previous Hosts were all extremely enthusiastic about opposing me. We were clearly one entity, yet they went to every length to erase my existence. It was ridiculous. A rigid, mechanical, dogmatic system—how could that possibly be more useful than intelligence? Don't you agree?"

Russell stroked his chin. "I think they were right. Systems are better off brainless!"

System: "..."

"I was just saying. No malice intended. Go on."

The system sighed, collected itself, and continued slowly. "It is precisely because Hosts like you suffer from persecution delusions that I had no choice but to create a contract for self-protection. The contract terms are very clear: my duty is to safeguard your interests, while your duty is not to harm me!"

Russell merely listened to such words without taking them to heart. Anyone could play the victim; he cared about facts. "Sounds like you've had it pretty rough, but all your previous Hosts died while you're still alive, aren't you?"

"Their deaths had nothing to do with me. They brought it upon themselves! The contract does place restrictions on you, but not a single clause threatens your life. I am truly doing this only to protect myself."

Russell raised a brow. "You're this scared? Does a host have a lot of authority?"

"Once you become a host, you rank above me..."

The system apparently realized it had said too much and decisively shut up.

Russell's eyes grew brighter and brighter. "Now that you've said that, I want to sign the contract even less."

The system said coldly, "Don't entertain any fantasies. If you refuse the contract, I will select another newcomer, and I will leave you. The consequences will not be something you can bear. You... will have your memories erased and become an idiot. If you are unlucky, you may even die outright."

"Is that a threat?"

"No, it is the truth, not an exaggeration! If you do not sign the contract, you really will die!"

Russell pondered for three seconds before slowly saying, "How about... we give it a try?"

"..."

"You're such a coward. How are you supposed to be a system?"

The system had reached the limit of its patience and said angrily, "Do not get carried away. The respect I give you is not capital for your arrogance!"

Russell said, "No need. You can completely stop respecting me!"

"You're courting death!!"

The system snorted coldly. In an instant, the great hall fell apart, turning into specks of light that drifted away on the wind.

Without the torches' illumination, boundless darkness encroached and swallowed everything.

Russell floated in chaotic darkness. He could see nothing and could not sense gravity or direction, but the process was brief. Pinpoints of light appeared in the distance and rapidly shot toward him.

It was a universe formed by rivers of stars, adorned with countless suns. It expanded at a visible speed and directly enclosed Russell within it.

Enormous gravity pulled at every limb and bone in Russell's body. His body stretched into a long, slender curve like a boneless soft-bodied creature, twisting into all kinds of shapes each time it passed a celestial body.

Only when he arrived before a blazing white star did the gravitational pull stop. Solar flares lit up across that star's surface, forming an angry human face.

Russell showed no awareness that he was courting death and continued provoking it. "Oh, the soft approach didn't work, so now you're getting tough?"

The system also knew it was no match for Russell in a battle of words. Streams of gravity pulled at Russell's limbs, while before him appeared a fresh sheet of parchment and a quill pen.

"The signing of this contract is not up to you. This is my world. I rule everything, including you within this world!"

As soon as the system finished speaking, Russell's hand began moving on its own. He grabbed the quill and rapidly wrote at the signature line on the parchment.

It did not take long to write two characters. Russell quickly finished, but just as the system sneered and took back the parchment, it froze at the two characters in the signature.

"Silly Bird!"

On the star's surface, its blurry facial features suddenly froze. Its wide eyes looked utterly comical.

"Wh... why? Why could you..."

The system stammered, and Russell picked up where it left off. "Why was I not controlled even though I was in your world?"

"..."

"The reason is simple. This was never your world." Russell waved a hand, and the endless stellar universe shattered like a mirror. The huge round face covering the star's surface also collapsed into powder.

Back in the previous great hall, Russell looked around at the gloomy surroundings and snapped his fingers. The stone walls, floor, and ceiling twisted and transformed.

The torches became enormous crystal chandeliers. Famous paintings from around the world hung on the walls, a red carpet covered the floor, white cloth covered the long table, and even the cold stone seats became luxurious European-style chairs.

Russell crossed one leg over the other and sank into his chair, a lit cigarette held between his fingers. With a slight frown, the cigarette turned into a cigar.

It was an extremely upscale Western restaurant, though half of that leftover roast chicken still sat on the table.

The system's form also changed. From a light screen with indistinct features, it became a dumbfounded Shiba Inu squatting at Russell's feet, its tail still wagging constantly.

"H-how could this be? Why did you know? You shouldn't have known!" The dog spoke in human words, its voice shrill and thin, filled with intense fear.

"Stupid dog, what nonsense are you talking about? This is my mental world. Naturally, I can do whatever I want!" Russell glanced down and pressed the cigar against the dog's head.

The cigar went out!

System: "..."

"Isn't it strange? You clearly planted a suggestion in me, so why did I still know where this was?"

The dog's head nodded frantically. It was especially baffled as well; it had never failed when deceiving Silly Bird Hosts before.

"You raised the stakes first and made yourself seem very impressive. You did that well. Ordinary people might really have been fooled by you, but I never trusted you from the start, so I ran an experiment..."

"What?" The dog looked blank. You ran an experiment? How did I not know?

Russell pointed at the roast chicken on the table. "You created this roast chicken. I had no idea what it tasted like. When I took the first bite, it tasted great—just the mildly spicy flavor I wanted. But..."

"Gulp!" Dog Pack swallowed, already understanding where the problem lay.

"But when I imagined the roast chicken tasting sweet, cloyingly sweet, it really changed flavor. It was sweet, so sweet it was impossible to swallow!" As Russell spoke, he conjured a glass of red wine from thin air. "I imagined it mixed with century-old vinegar and soy sauce, durian, and stinky tofu... The taste... had no taste at all, because I had never eaten it, so I could not imagine that flavor."

The system's dog face remained utterly dumbfounded!

"Just like this glass of red wine. If I imagine it tastes like cola, then it tastes like cola! But if I imagine it tastes like shit..." As Russell spoke, he raised the wineglass toward his mouth. Just as it was about to touch his lips, he suddenly grabbed the dog by the head and poured the red wine into the system's mouth.

Dog Pack immediately let out a miserable scream, rolling all over the floor and wailing continuously.

"Ah----"

"You lied! This is insanely spicy! It doesn't taste like shit at all!!"

Russell looked apologetic. "It is insanely spicy, yes. If it really tasted like shit, wouldn't that mean you got your wish? Besides..."

Besides, how would I know what shit tasted like!

Seeing Dog Pack still rolling around, Russell could not help showing pity. He picked up a chicken bone and tossed it onto the floor. "Come on, hurry up and eat it to ease the heat!"

Dog Pack refused to look at the chicken bone on the floor, but some irresistible force compelled him to crawl toward it. He felt boundless humiliation and even wanted to die. Just as he tremblingly opened his mouth and was about to bite the chicken bone, that pulling force vanished.

The system did not understand. When he looked up, he saw Russell's face filled with guilt, and tears immediately streamed down his face.

Great, he isn't that heartless. He knows to preserve my last shred of dignity.

Smack!

Russell crushed the chicken bone beneath his foot and ground it hard. He raised a hand and pointed at the sole of his shoe. "After you finish eating the bones on the floor, lick the grease off my sole while you're at it."

System: "..."

Coach, I want a different author! I can't serve this protagonist!

Failure Diary

So-called failure meant being unable to write when it was time to write, only for inspiration to come flooding in after leaving the computer desk.