Laying Down My Liver and Brains (Monthly Votes, Please)

After two days and nights on the train, Zhang Laifu had been allowed to speak or move only when he ate or went to the toilet.

On the third morning, Old Song told Old Yu and Old Zheng to pack up and get off the train. He also pulled some cotton off Zhang Laifu.

Zhang Laifu sat up on the bed, took two steps, coughed twice, and tested his voice.

He could move. He could speak.

Old Song reminded him, "Laifu, remember the rules on set."

Zhang Laifu nodded repeatedly.

Once Old Yu had packed the luggage, he lowered his voice and asked Old Zheng, "Why let him up again?"

Old Zheng frowned. "Didn't I tell you? He has no identity in Wansheng Province. The people on the platform won't be easy to fool, so we can't make him too conspicuous."

The attendant appeared again in the hanging picture. "Attention, passengers. We will soon arrive at Black Sand Mouth Station. Passengers getting off here, please gather your belongings and prepare to disembark."

Everyone left the room and went through the fire door. Beyond it was another corridor.

The corridor was pitch-black, without a glimmer of light. Old Yu and Old Zheng led Zhang Laifu through it, one ahead and one behind. After more than ten minutes, Zhang Laifu heard something.

Clang-a-lang-a-lang!

It was the sound of gongs and drums.

Song Yongchang walked in front, winding this way and that until he reached a wall. He knocked on it six times, then coughed twice. "That great lock on the door is mighty heavy."

Someone outside answered, "Heavy locks are no trouble, if you've got the key."

Song Yongchang said, "After a dusty journey, the key's been polished bright."

The person outside replied, "Thanks for your hard work, everyone. Go home and get some rest."

The door opened. The doorkeeper asked Song Yongchang, "Are these all your people?"

Song Yongchang counted his people, then told the doorkeeper, "These are mine. I don't know the rest."

The doorkeeper collected payment for the number he had counted and let Song Yongchang's group through.

There was another stretch of corridor ahead. When they passed through it and pushed open the next door, Zhang Laifu's eyes finally met the light.

A stage stood before him. On it, a beautiful, spirited woman sang, "With drumsticks in my own hands, banners blaze anew, a canopied carriage soars to the heavens; warships stand in ranks, bound round with iron chains. Hear the army's cries of slaughter rise!

Beneath the towering standards, I stand firm against the river's surging tide. With a loyal heart and fearless courage, I shall keep the Great Song banner flying!"

Cheers rose without pause from below the stage. Zhang Laifu knew nothing about opera. He only knew the woman was breathtakingly beautiful yet imposing, and her distinctive presence and masterful performance made it impossible to look away.

Old Song found seats for everyone. By the rules here, they had to watch an entire performance before they could leave.

Old Zheng sat to Zhang Laifu's left, and Han Yucheng to his right. Old Zheng kept calling out praise as he watched the woman perform.

"Laifu, that's a warrior heroine. Can you follow it?"

Zhang Laifu shook his head. "Not really. What are those two long things on her hat?"

Old Zheng explained carefully, "Those are pheasant plumes on her helmet!"

"What are the flags on her back called?"

"Those are back flags."

"What's this opera she's singing called?"

"It's called Battle at Golden Mountain!" Han Yucheng chimed in.

Old Zheng brightened. "Young Han, do you like opera?"

Han Yucheng nodded. "I've studied traditional arts a little, too."

"The things our ancestors left us really are wonderful!" Old Zheng stared at the stage, utterly enthralled.

Han Yucheng leaned toward Zhang Laifu's ear and suddenly asked, "Do you know where we are?"

Zhang Laifu froze, then turned to look at Han Yucheng. "This is the set!"

Han Yucheng fell silent for a moment, then said in Zhang Laifu's ear, "An idiot like you deserves to die. A hundred times over."

Zhang Laifu thought for a while before turning to Han Yucheng. "Is that your line?"

Han Yucheng did not know whether to laugh or cry. "Yes, that's my line. What do you have to say?"

"Nothing," Zhang Laifu said, shaking his head. "I don't have any lines."

Old Zheng chuckled beside them. Zhang Laifu had been frightened into behaving himself.

When the opera ended, Old Song led everyone out of the theater. Zhang Laifu glanced back at its sign. Three large characters read: Qingxiang Garden.

Zhang Laifu committed the place to memory.

A road ran outside the theater. Most buildings along it were two stories tall. Few rose above three stories, and almost none above five.

The buildings had remarkably rounded lines. The tops of the doorways were arched, as were the tops of the windows. Even the shops on street corners curved around the bends.

There were plenty of pedestrians on the road, and horse-drawn carriages too, but Zhang Laifu did not see a single automobile.

This place was so different from Huan Kingdom that Zhang Laifu should, by rights, have shown some curiosity.

Yet he looked calm, as though the buildings around him were nothing out of the ordinary.

Old Song grew suspicious. "Laifu, have you been here before?"

"No." Zhang Laifu shook his head. "I've seen sets like this before."

Old Song smiled and said nothing. Before long, Old Yu arrived with several horse-drawn carriages.

Everyone climbed aboard. Han Yucheng looked around, wanting to run, but he lacked the nerve.

As they boarded, he managed to tell Zhang Laifu, "This isn't acting. We've been kidnapped!"

Zhang Laifu glared at Han Yucheng. "This is a set. You have to follow the rules."

He knew Han Yucheng wanted to escape, but he had no intention of working with him now.

His body was full of cotton. Old Song only had to lift a hand to smash Zhang Laifu to pieces.

An oil lamp hung in the pitch-black carriage. It swayed twice as the carriage set off.

Han Yucheng trembled all over. Sweat streamed down his cheeks.

Old Yu smiled. "What are you afraid of? Look at Laifu. He isn't scared."

Han Yucheng's voice began to shake. He was losing control. "He's an idiot. I'm not..."

Old Yu smiled. "Laifu, he called you an idiot."

Zhang Laifu said with a solemn expression, "I don't have any lines. I won't speak."

Old Yu laughed, then looked at Han Yucheng. "You should learn from Laifu. Don't go saying things you shouldn't."

At half past one in the morning, they arrived at Fangpai Mountain.

Zhang Laifu was fast asleep when Song Yongchang woke him.

"We're here. The main event comes next. You two newcomers had better give a good performance. Don't hold the crew back."

Zhang Laifu raised his head and looked at Fangpai Mountain beneath the night sky.

Its towering peak loomed before him, pressing down until he could scarcely breathe.

Han Yucheng's legs went weak. Old Zheng had to support him as he got out of the carriage.

Once they had disembarked, Old Zheng and Old Yu stayed beside Song Yongchang, while the others returned to their own camps.

Song Yongchang marched Zhang Laifu and Han Yucheng straight to the Hostage House and locked them in a cell.

After settling Zhang Laifu in, Song Yongchang was about to find Yuan Kuilong. To his surprise, Yuan Kuilong had already arrived at the entrance to the Hostage House, with quartermaster Zhao Yingde at his side.

"Old Song, you've done something this big without telling me first?" Yuan Kuilong walked up to Song Yongchang and grabbed his clothes.

Several bandits nearby were terrified, thinking the chief was about to turn on his second-in-command.

Song Yongchang did not panic in the slightest. He answered with utmost respect, "Lord Long, what great thing have I done?"

Yuan Kuilong looked back at Zhao Yingde. "What do you think Old Song means by that?"

Zhao Yingde shook his head. "I can't tell what Second Master means."

"You can't tell?" Yuan Kuilong's eyes widened. "Everyone on this mountain knows you're closest to Old Song, and you're telling me you can't tell? Whose side are you on, damn it?"

Zhao Yingde grew anxious. "Chief! I'm on your side. Don't you know what's in my heart?"

"Stop bringing up your heart!" Yuan Kuilong was not easily fooled. "That heart of yours is made of radish!"

"Fine! If you don't trust my heart, Chief, I'll cut off this hand today and show you what kind of man I am!"

Zhao Yingde raised his blade to chop off his hand.

Yuan Kuilong snatched the blade away and roared, "Can't I even say a word about you? What's the meaning of chopping your hand off right here? This hand of yours..."

Yuan Kuilong brought Zhao Yingde's hand to his nose and sniffed it carefully. "Is this hand a cucumber?"

Zhao Yingde nodded. "A crisp green one. The first good cucumber of this year's harvest. I saved it for you, Chief."

"Look at you. There isn't even any fermented soybean paste here, but you insist on chopping your hand off. How am I supposed to eat it? You haven't thought this through." Yuan Kuilong smiled and turned to Song Yongchang. "Old Zhao still keeps me in his heart."

Zhao Yingde added, "I keep you in my arm too, Chief."

Yuan Kuilong complained to Song Yongchang, "Old Song, Old Zhao is loyal to me through and through. You, on the other hand, have divided loyalties."

Song Yongchang stared. "Chief, where is this coming from?"

Yuan Kuilong's expression was gentle. "I said you'd done something big, but you insisted you hadn't. You found me six idiots to open bowls. Isn't that a big deal?"

Song Yongchang hurriedly lowered his head. "Chief, it's a matter as vast as the heavens to me. To serve you, I'd gladly lay down my liver and brains, splattering the earth with them."

"Really?" Yuan Kuilong looked delighted.

"Not a word of it is false!" Song Yongchang felt a little more at ease.

"Where are the liver and brains?" Yuan Kuilong asked with a cheerful smile.

"Chief, you're joking again..."

"Who's joking? Didn't you say you'd splatter the earth with your liver and brains? I'm asking where they are." Yuan Kuilong was still smiling at Song Yongchang.

Song Yongchang's heart, which had just settled, leaped into his throat again.

Everyone in Hunlong Stronghold knew Yuan Kuilong loved to joke, but nobody knew which of his jokes were real.

Yuan Kuilong was all smiles now, yet Song Yongchang felt he was serious.

He wanted liver and brains. What was Song Yongchang supposed to give him?

And what would happen if he could not produce them?

"I'm asking you where the liver and brains are!" Yuan Kuilong's smile slowly vanished.

Crack!

Zhao Yingde plucked a bunch of grapes from the back of his head and offered it to Yuan Kuilong. "Here are the brains, Chief!"

Yuan Kuilong took the grapes, plucked one off, and tasted it. Pleased with the flavor, he said, "You're a quick one!"

"I've got oranges in my liver too. They're sweet!" Zhao Yingde took up a knife, ready to cut open his belly.

Yuan Kuilong stopped him. "Brother, we haven't finished the grapes. Let's leave the oranges for now and take a look at those idiots from another province."

Everyone's gaze fell on Zhang Laifu and Han Yucheng.

After seeing grapes plucked from the back of a head and hearing talk of cutting open a belly for a liver, Han Yucheng's face turned deathly pale.

But frightened as he was, Han Yucheng's mind remained clear.

Ever since entering the Hostage House, he had been watching. He had observed these people's identities, their standing, and their aims, and had sorted out the situation perfectly.

The big-bearded man was called Chief. He was their leader.

Old Song ranked below the bearded man, and the others ranked below Old Song.

They wanted to catch idiots. Han Yucheng did not know what "opening bowls" meant, but he doubted it was anything good.

His only way out now was to prove he was not an idiot.

If he could convince Head Boss he was not an idiot, he could survive!

Yuan Kuilong looked at Han Yucheng. "What's your name?"

Han Yucheng answered at once, "My name is Han Yucheng. You can call me Young Han, Chief. Meeting you is the good fortune of three lifetimes. From now on, I'll serve at your beck and call. Just give the word, and I'll go through fire and water for you, even if it costs me my life ten thousand times!"

Yuan Kuilong paused. "You talk like a scholar. Aren't you an idiot?"

Han Yucheng hurriedly shook his head. "I'm not stupid. I can read, I went to school, I had a higher education, and I studied abroad. My degree certificate is in my bag. I wouldn't dare lie to you, Chief."

Yuan Kuilong ate a grape, then looked at Song Yongchang with a dark expression. "Old Song, what kind of job do you call this?

"He clearly isn't stupid, yet you insisted on catching him as an idiot. Aren't you persecuting a loyal man?"

Was that even how you used "persecuting a loyal man"?

Could an idiot not be loyal?

Old Song still had to follow his lead. "Head Boss, I thought he was pretty stupid. He may sound convincing, but..."

"Of course he sounds convincing! He studied in a foreign country. How could he be an idiot?" Yuan Kuilong gave Old Song a scolding, then offered Han Yucheng a few words of comfort. "Young brother, you must have been frightened."

Han Yucheng nodded. "I was pretty scared."

"Don't be afraid, and don't be angry. It was all a misunderstanding. We never meant to catch you. How about I give you some money by way of apology?" Yuan Kuilong reached for his money pouch.

Han Yucheng waved his hands repeatedly. "No need! Head Boss, you're too kind. I wouldn't dare ask you to pay me over such a small thing."

"True. Money would make us strangers." Yuan Kuilong thought for a moment, then glanced at the grapes in his hand. He plucked one and stuffed it into Han Yucheng's mouth. "I'll treat you to a grape, and we'll put this behind us. How's that?"

Han Yucheng nodded over and over with the grape in his mouth.

"Don't just hold it there. Eat it!" Yuan Kuilong slapped Han Yucheng on the back, and Han Yucheng swallowed it whole, skin and flesh together.

"Was it good?"

"Yes!" Han Yucheng nodded hard.

"Then we're square?"

"We're square!"

"Do you know the way down the mountain?"

"No."

Yuan Kuilong frowned. "That's a bit troublesome. I'll have to find someone to take you down."

Han Yucheng quickly changed his answer. "I do know it. I know the way down. I can walk back by myself."

Yuan Kuilong smiled. "It's dark, and the path is slippery. Be careful."

"Thank you, Chief. I'll be going, then." Han Yucheng hurried out of the cell. Strength gradually returned to his once-numb legs.

He had actually made it out alive. Han Yucheng was so relieved he could almost cry.

Thank goodness he had prepared. Thank goodness he had reacted quickly. One wrong word back there, and he would never have walked out of the Hostage House alive today.

He wanted to turn back and see how Zhang Laifu was doing, but he worried that looking back might change things.

Forget it. Why look at him? That idiot deserves to die!

In fact, Zhang Laifu had been watching Han Yucheng's retreating figure the whole time. Not out of envy, nor because he was reluctant to part, but because two leaves had sprouted from the back of Han Yucheng's head.

Han Yucheng also felt something strange at the back of his head. It itched, and it seemed to hurt a little too.

He paid no mind to the back of his head. He only wanted to get out of the Hostage House as fast as he could, but no matter how hard he pushed with his feet, he could not take a step.

A third leaf bored out of the back of his head, trailing blood.

A fourth leaf bored out, trailing bits of brain.

The fifth leaf emerged, bringing a piece of his skull with it.

Staring at the piece of skull on the floor, Han Yucheng tried to scream, but no sound came out.

His brain was badly damaged. He could no longer move or speak.

Han Yucheng's legs gave way, and he collapsed in the doorway of the Hostage House.

Yuan Kuilong looked displeased. "Look at you. Two more steps and you'd have made it outside. There's no sunlight in here. How are the grapes supposed to grow?"

At that, Zhao Yingde hurriedly ordered the bandits, "Carry him out. Put him somewhere sunny."

Yuan Kuilong still was not satisfied. "That's it?"

Zhao Yingde thought for a moment, then told his men, "Remember to stick a few more bamboo poles into him. Grapevines need something to climb."

Yuan Kuilong nodded. "Now that's more like it."

Several bandits carried Han Yucheng away. Yuan Kuilong lowered his gaze to Zhang Laifu.

"Old Song, if this one isn't a fool either, I'll have to trouble you to collect his body first, then make another trip out to the Outer Province."

Old Song nodded repeatedly. "Whatever you say, Head Boss."

Yuan Kuilong asked Zhang Laifu, "What's your name?"

Everyone waited for Zhang Laifu to answer, but he said nothing.

Yuan Kuilong frowned. "Are you mute?"

Zhang Laifu raised his vacant eyes but still said nothing.

A Room Watcher stepped forward and kicked Zhang Laifu. "He asked you a question. Didn't you hear?"

Room Watchers were a special kind of bandit assigned to guard the Hostage House. They were not particularly skilled or brave, and they were utterly useless in a real fight.

But they generally looked vicious and were ruthless enough to excel at intimidating and tormenting hostages. That was why the bandits had a role just for them.

The kick was vicious and landed squarely on Zhang Laifu's chest. After coughing for a long while, he looked at Song Yongchang. "He asked me what my name is."

Song Yongchang frowned. "Why are you looking at me?"

Zhang Laifu looked bewildered. "Don't I have any lines?"

Song Yongchang said, "Lord Yuan asked you a question. Can't you think of something to say?"

Zhang Laifu thought for a long time before answering, "My name is Hostage."

Everyone fell quiet for a moment, then burst into laughter.

He had called himself Hostage.

Yuan Kuilong did not laugh. It took him a while to speak. "I asked you for your name."

Zhang Laifu shook his head. "I don't know."

Yuan Kuilong stared at him in disbelief. "You don't know your own name?"

Zhang Laifu was dead serious. "Nobody gave me a script. How would I know my name?"

Yuan Kuilong glared. "Why would you need a script for your name?"

Zhang Laifu glared back. "Where would I get a name without a script?"

Yuan Kuilong slapped his chest. "My name is Yuan Kuilong. Script or no script, I'm still Yuan Kuilong!"

Zhang Laifu straightened up. "My name is Hostage. The script says I'm Hostage. Without a script, what else could I be called?"

Yuan Kuilong snapped, "How would I know what you're called?"

Zhang Laifu got angry too. "If even you don't know, how am I supposed to?"

Yuan Kuilong fell silent for a moment, then slowly turned to the people behind him. "Stupidity's contagious. Don't talk to him. Keep your distance."

P.S. "Battle at Golden Mountain" is a traditional Peking opera starring Liang Hongyu, a celebrated Southern Song general who fought the Jin. It depicts her heroic defeat of the Jin forces and is a signature work of both the Mei School (Mei Lanfang) and the Shang School (Shang Xiaoyun).