Heavenly Court Bathhouse

There were two more knocks at the door.

It didn't sound like the landlord coming to collect rent. He'd already paid, anyway, and the landlord always hammered on the door with his fist.

Wen Ning set the incense in place, walked over, and opened the door.

Two people stood outside. One wore blue-green official robes: the Thunder Department Heavenly Official who had taken him to report for duty last time. He held something covered in red cloth, roughly the size of a plaque.

The other was an old acquaintance of Wen Ning's. Lu Ming stood beside the Heavenly Official in casual clothes, the bells on his antlers sparkling in the sunlight. As soon as Wen Ning opened the door, he broke into a grin.

"Wen Ning! I've brought your plaque!"

Lu Ming took the red-cloth-covered plaque from the blue-robed Heavenly Official and hugged it to his chest, looking as smug as if he were holding some priceless treasure. "I volunteered for this job just to come down and see how your office was coming along. You have no idea—I nearly got into a fight with Bai Lu over this assignment."

The blue-robed Heavenly Official gave Lu Ming an expressionless glance, then cupped his hands toward Wen Ning.

"Heavenly Official Wen, the Heavenly Venerable ordered alterations to the plaque. Please sign for it."

He took a receipt and a writing brush out of his sleeve and handed them to Wen Ning, his tone as businesslike as ever.

But Wen Ning kept noticing a slight twitch at the corner of his eye, as if he were desperately holding something back. Something was very wrong here.

"Alterations?"

Wen Ning took the brush and signed the receipt as he asked, "What did he change?"

The blue-robed Heavenly Official didn't answer. He simply put away the receipt, turned, and left at least twice as fast as usual, as though fleeing a crime scene.

Wen Ning watched him disappear at the mouth of the alley, then turned to look at the plaque in Lu Ming's arms.

The red cloth covered it tightly, hiding the writing, but the way Lu Ming was desperately suppressing laughter told Wen Ning this wasn't going to be good.

"Uh, Wen Ning."

Lu Ming leaned the plaque against the wall and took two steps back.

"Brace yourself before you look."

With that, Lu Ming left Wen Ning to see for himself.

Wen Ning was getting curious, too. Was something wrong with the plaque?

As he wondered, he grabbed a corner of the red cloth and yanked.

The cloth fell to the ground, revealing a wooden plaque with gold lettering on a black background. The wood itself was spiritual timber from the Heavenly Court.

But Wen Ning had no attention to spare for its material. His eyes were riveted to the writing.

Ten large characters were inscribed on it, the calligraphy dignified and solemn, every stroke radiating unquestionable authority. It was obviously Wen Zhong's own handiwork, but the actual message was anything but dignified:

Heavenly Court Bathhouse, Mortal Realm Branch

Wen Ning stared at those ten characters, dumbfounded.

The morning breeze blew in from the mouth of the alley. In the distance, the Urban Village's loudspeaker was broadcasting the morning news, and the couple next door were arguing again about whose turn it was to take their child to school.

Everything was exactly as usual, except for the plaque in his hands that read "Heavenly Court Bathhouse, Mortal Realm Branch."

"Hold on."

Wen Ning spoke, feeling on the verge of a breakdown. What was this? Did the Heavenly Court really have that many lines of business? He didn't even have a second floor here, or blue shorts.

"I specifically told my godfather last time that I wanted a plaque that wouldn't attract too much attention, and he wrote 'bathhouse' for me?"

Lu Ming was laughing uncontrollably. He braced one hand against the wall and clutched his stomach with the other, his bells jangling wildly as he laughed. It took him quite a while to barely manage to straighten up.

"The Heavenly Venerable said in the group chat last time that Wen Ning's lousy shop didn't even have air conditioning, so its facilities were worse than a bathhouse's. I thought he was just saying it! I thought he was just saying it, but he actually gave you a bathhouse sign! Wen Ning, your godfather's sense of humor is hardcore!"

Wen Ning watched Lu Ming laugh for a full minute without any expression, waiting until he finally had his fill.

"You think this is funny?"

"Of course it's funny!"

Lu Ming wiped away his tears.

"The Thunder Department Chief Deity of the Heavenly Court, second-in-command of the Three Realms' judicial system, personally wrote you a plaque: Heavenly Court Bathhouse, Mortal Realm Branch! From now on, you're the only officially licensed back-scrubbing Heavenly Official in the Three Realms, Wen Ning!"

Wen Ning took a deep breath. He was just about to argue when he heard rustling behind him.

He turned and found that several figures had appeared at the shop entrance at some point, peeking inside.

A Mushroom Spirit with two little mushrooms on its head was poking half its head around the corner of the wall.

A dust-covered rat spirit crouched beside the trash can, while an old man with a weasel's head stood at the mouth of the alley, peering in.

He was even carrying a towel.

"Um."

The Mushroom Spirit timidly raised a little piece of its cap, like a schoolchild asking a question. It even knew to raise its hand.

"Is this a bathhouse run by the Heavenly Court? I heard Heavenly Court bathhouses use water from the Jade Pool, and bathing in it can completely transform you. Is that true?"

Wen Ning opened his mouth, but before he could answer, the rat spirit jumped out from behind the trash can, shedding dust.

"I want a bath! I've been holed up in this Urban Village for three hundred years! I haven't bathed in three hundred years! Do you offer back scrubs here? Give my back a good scrub!"

The Weasel Old Man carrying the towel squeezed forward as well. His cloudy old eyes scanned the writing on the plaque several times, and his voice trembled with excitement.

"Heavenly Court Bathhouse! The Heavenly Court has opened a branch in the mortal world! I've lived in seclusion in the Urban Village for two hundred years, and at last my lucky day has come! Are you offering any grand-opening deals? Any discounts on membership cards? How much for a monthly pass?"

Wen Ning turned to Lu Ming. Lu Ming had stopped laughing, and his expression had become one of pure delight at Wen Ning's misfortune. He patted Wen Ning on the shoulder, his tone utterly sincere.

"Wen Ning, looks like your first customer isn't here to rent a place or get marriage mediation. They're here for a back scrub. It's fine—at least this branch of your Heavenly Court Bathhouse is open for business now."

"Lu Ming."

Wen Ning spoke.

"Yeah?"

"The first thing I'm going to do when I get back to the Heavenly Court is tell Meng Jiang that you like her and want to marry her."

The gloating vanished from Lu Ming's face, and his bells gave a tremble.

Then, before anyone could blink—or even hear a bell jingle—he rushed up to Wen Ning and grabbed his sleeve.

"Wen Ning, my good brother, leave the back scrubbing to me. I've been taking baths on Mount Tai for hundreds of years. My back-scrubbing skills are absolutely first-rate."

Wen Ning looked down at the hand clutching his sleeve, then at the little spirits still peeking in at the entrance, then at the plaque reading "Heavenly Court Bathhouse, Mortal Realm Branch."

The concentration of spiritual energy throughout the shop shot up a notch, and the Mushroom Spirit's cap visibly brightened.

Sigh. Forget it. Might as well hang it up.

The Mushroom Spirit let out an exclamation.

"Such rich spiritual energy! The plaque is real! This really is run by the Heavenly Court!"

The rat spirit had already started squeezing into the shop.

"I got here first! I get the first bath!"

The Weasel Old Man shoved the rat spirit aside and flung his towel over his shoulder.

"I'm the oldest! I go first!"

Wen Ning stood at the entrance, watching the three customers scrambling to get ahead of each other, then looked back at the electric fan still laboriously turning its head inside the shop.

Suddenly, he remembered something: his shop didn't even have a water heater.

Bah, what am I thinking? This isn't a bathhouse.

But looking at those three characters at the entrance...

Wen Ning resigned himself to his fate. Ordinary mortals couldn't see the plaque anyway, so he might as well treat it as a special new service the company was branching into.

With that thought, Wen Ning pushed the shop door open and called to the three little spirits queuing outside.

"We're having a trial opening today! Hot water is limited, first come, first served. Priority goes to anyone who brings a towel. If you don't have one, you can buy one here for ten yuan. Back scrubs cost extra. Also, we don't bathe humanoid forms. If you want a bath, turn back into your original form."

Then he took a large basin out of the shop, poured the boiling water from his thermos into it, fetched a folding stool, and opened for business.

The Mushroom Spirit rushed in first, frantically waving a little piece of its cap.

"I have a towel! I am my own towel!"

The rat spirit and the Weasel Old Man crowded the doorway, neither willing to yield as both tried to squeeze inside.

An hour later, the three little spirits left thoroughly satisfied, calling back to Wen Ning as they went.

"Boss, your service is pretty good! That scrub felt great. I'll come again!"

As for Wen Ning, he was still cleaning up all the water splashed everywhere. Lu Ming? That guy had run off ages ago.