Please call me the Bathing Emperor

The Land God had barely finished speaking, and the competition had yet to officially begin.

The first surprise had already arrived.

The Mushroom Spirit serving as judge sprang off his stool with astonishing speed, grabbed his cap—which had already been scrubbed raw—and held it over his chest, his voice trembling.

"I withdraw! I just had a bath! My cap's practically bald already! Find someone else to judge. I can cheer from the sidelines! I can shout really loudly, honestly!"

Without waiting for Wen Ning to respond, he scrambled behind Bai Lu and shrank into a little mushroom that had yet to open its cap.

The Land God looked at the Mushroom Spirit's cap. Indeed, any more washing would turn a perfectly good fly agaric into an enoki mushroom.

Then his gaze landed on the big golden retriever lying in the doorway, enjoying the show.

The golden retriever had been watching with great interest, wagging its tail. When everyone's eyes suddenly turned toward it, its tail froze in midair.

The Land God looked the golden retriever up and down, then nodded.

"Smooth fur, broad back, sturdy build. Clearly gets bathed often. This one will do."

Before the golden retriever could protest,

Lu Ming darted over and clasped its front paws in both hands, his gaze outrageously sincere.

"Brother golden retriever, you've had so many baths at our bathhouse, and Wen Ning has scrubbed your back so many times. Today, it's your turn to judge for us. This is an honor! Once we're done, I'll treat you to KFC. Wen Ning's paying."

The golden retriever tilted its head and considered it, apparently won over by the mention of KFC.

Resigned to its fate, it walked over to the large tub and crouched beside it.

The competition officially began, with Xiong Batian's contestant going first.

The tall, skinny man soaked his bamboo-handled brush in the herbal bathwater. With a flick of his wrist, the brush traced an arc through the air, sending herbal water flying from its bristles and leaving a puddle on the floor.

Bai Lu expressionlessly made a note in her booklet.

"Dirtying the floor. Two points deducted."

Seeing Bai Lu deduct points, Xiong Batian pointed at the floor and roared.

"That's herbal bathwater that splashed out! He didn't do it on purpose! You're deducting points for that too?"

Bai Lu replied,

"A sanitation inspection doesn't care whether it was deliberate. It only cares whether there are stains." Xiong Batian drew a deep breath. A real man didn't argue with women. He swallowed his anger.

The tall, skinny man's brush landed on the golden retriever's back. His technique was seasoned, every stroke hitting an acupoint.

The golden retriever felt so good that its tail swished against the side of the tub, its eyes narrowing in pleasure.

Watching from the side, Lu Ming's expression shifted slightly.

"He's got some real skill. He's as good as any bath scrubber I've seen on Mount Tai. Look at the path of his brush. Not a single stroke overlaps, and every stroke covers an acupoint on the golden retriever's back."

Before Wen Ning could marvel at how formidable their opponent was, the tall, skinny man had already moved on to the second round—herbal steaming.

He scooped a ladleful of herbal bathwater from the wooden bucket, poured it over the golden retriever's back, then covered it with a towel and pressed both hands down on top.

The golden retriever groaned with pleasure under the steam, its tongue slipping out of the corner of its mouth.

It was Lu Ming and Wen Ning's turn. Lu Ming took a deep breath and put both towels to work at once, moving so quickly that Wen Ning could see only two white afterimages darting back and forth across the golden retriever's back.

The essence of the Mount Tai Scrubbing Technique lay in one word: speed.

It stripped away dead skin before the skin could even react, giving the golden retriever a distinctly different kind of pleasure.

If the tall, skinny man's technique was like a massage, Lu Ming's was like a warm tornado.

What surprised Wen Ning even more was Lu Ming's finger technique. As the towel rolled over the golden retriever's spine, he changed his hand position and rapidly pressed its acupoints through the towel with his fingertips. The golden retriever felt so good that all four paws curled up at once, its wagging tail sending water splashing.

Lu Ming really hadn't been boasting. He genuinely knew what he was doing.

"Your turn!"

Lu Ming stopped, and Wen Ning took over the towel, continuing to scrub down the golden retriever's back.

Water flung up by the golden retriever's tail splashed all over his face. He instinctively wiped it, only to open his eyes and discover several golden hairs mixed into the spray.

Before Wen Ning could remove the fur, the tall, skinny man unleashed another move.

The bamboo-handled brush spun in his hand as he actually performed a staff routine. It flipped and whirled through his palm, each stroke precisely brushing the golden retriever's ears, chin, or belly.

The routine felt so good that the golden retriever made incomprehensible little groans, sprawling belly-up in the large tub without a shred of canine dignity.

Xiong Batian folded his arms smugly.

Lu Ming grew anxious.

"Wen Ning, he's going to win! Didn't you see that spinning brush move? He practically brushed the golden retriever's soul right out!"

Wen Ning steeled himself, no longer caring about proper technique. He circulated his magical power, activating the first level of Eight-Nine Mysteries at will.

A new arm sprouted beside each of his existing arms. All four went to work at once: two held towels, one held a scrubbing mitt, and one held a water ladle.

At the sight of Wen Ning, the entire crowd fell silent.

The Mushroom Spirit poked half his cap out from behind Bai Lu, his mouth forming a perfect circle.

Xiong Batian's eyes widened, his muscles tensing so hard that the dragon tattoo across his shoulder distorted.

The Land God's eyebrows shot up. This lad's no ordinary fellow. That must be Eight-Nine Mysteries.

Wen Ning worked all four arms at once. Though his technique lacked Lu Ming's professional polish, he made up for it with sheer numbers and broad coverage. The visual spectacle was staggering.

Lu Ming froze for a moment, then immediately adjusted his rhythm to match Wen Ning's movements. His two towels wove between Wen Ning's four arms, occasionally pressing an acupoint as well.

Six arms and two towels worked simultaneously over the golden retriever's back. Water and foam flew together as towels and scrubbing mitt danced.

The golden retriever felt so good that it had given up thinking. Sprawled belly-up in the large tub, it had completely lost the objective judgment expected of a referee.

The Land God circled the tub twice, examining everything closely. Finally, he awarded Wen Ning an extremely high score for visual appeal.

The final combined scores were announced.

Cleanliness—full marks for both sides. The golden retriever had never been this clean.

Customer comfort—a tie. Both sides had made the golden retriever so comfortable that it had lost all canine dignity.

Visual appeal—Wen Ning narrowly won by half a point.

Floor cleanliness—both sides lost points.

Xiong Batian was, of course, dissatisfied with the result.

His argument was that using two extra arms constituted an illegal use of magic, no different from taking performance-enhancing drugs in a weightlifting competition.

But the Land God rejected his appeal on the spot, on the grounds that no rule forbidding magic had been established before the competition.

"He grew those extra arms through his own abilities. Why shouldn't they count?"

Bai Lu added from beside him,

"The techniques used by the Thunder Department Office's back scrubbers are an internal matter."

That brought the appeals process to an immediate end.

Once the competition was over, Xiong Batian set the wooden bucket and its remaining herbal bath mixture outside Wen Ning's shop. After a moment's thought, he said,

"I keep my word. I won't come looking for trouble again. And from now on, I'll volunteer as a bath scrubber one day a month."

Wen Ning glanced at Xiong Batian.

"All right."

Bai Lu closed her assessment booklet and walked over to Wen Ning.

"Overall assessment for this Heavenly Court Sanitation Compliance Inspection: pass."

She paused, then added,

"The scrubbing competition was well organized. I recommend making it a regular office activity. Remember to file a report in advance if you hold similar events in the future."

Hearing this, Lu Ming immediately spoke up.

"Then can I be the permanent judge?"

Bai Lu looked down at his sleeves, which were soaked through from practicing his scrubbing on the golden retriever's back.

"If you can persuade Heavenly Venerable Wen, there shouldn't be a problem."

At the mention of Heavenly Venerable Wen, Lu Ming fell silent again.

Wen Zhong was an old acquaintance of his ancestor. If word got back, his ancestor would probably tear off both his antlers.

The golden retriever climbed out of the large tub, shook the water from its fur, then walked over and lay down at Wen Ning's feet. Today's bath had been absolute bliss.

Finally, the Land God announced that the First Scrubbing Championship had concluded successfully.