I Really Want to Call the Cops Too

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"

"Help! Somebody help me! I don't want to die!"

"Mommy!"

After Zuo Ci said these things would go off even if they kept holding them, the crowd, which had finally calmed down a little, erupted again. They scurried around like headless chickens, and quite a few were so frantic that they slammed straight into the walls.

"Everybody calm down!"

In the end, Maroni himself had to shout at the top of his lungs several times before things improved a little.

His legs were trembling with fear too, but at least he looked slightly better than the others.

"Quick! Open the doors and throw all these grenades outside! Hurry!"

Zuo Ci had said these things would explode after three minutes. A fair amount of time had already passed between his tossing them down and leaving, so there probably wasn't much time left.

It was too late to try anything else. Throwing these things outside was their only chance of survival.

Now they could only gamble that Zuo Ci hadn't tossed them grenades that would explode the moment they let go.

"Right, right! Quick! Get the doors open!"

Maroni's words finally snapped everyone out of their panic. They swarmed toward the entrance and started kicking and pounding on the grand doors, whose artistic pretensions stood at least three or four stories high.

Yet no matter how hard they tried, the doors seemed welded shut. They couldn't open even the slightest crack.

"W-we can't, boss... They won't open..."

"Then smash the windows! Hurry up, you stupid pigs!"

Looking at these morons, whose brains seemed to have traded places with their hemorrhoids, Maroni seethed. Did they have even a shred of dignity as mob bosses left?

If his legs hadn't been shaking too badly to move, he would have given every last one of them a kick.

"Right, right! Hurry, hurry! Smash the windows!"

Maroni's furious scolding jolted them awake again, and they all rushed toward the windows.

One particularly agile man got ahead of the others, leaped off a dining table, and launched a flying kick straight at a window!

Crack!

"Ah! My leg! My leg!"

Clearly, in his panic, he'd completely forgotten that every window in this banquet hall was made of extra-strength bulletproof glass specially ordered from China to ensure their safety.

"It's over... It's all over..."

Realizing there was no escape today, Maroni's trembling legs finally gave out, and he dropped to his knees with a thud.

To think that after a lifetime of glory, he would die in such a pathetic state today.

Tears spilled down his face despite himself.

Oh, and it wasn't just tears.

If I survive this, I absolutely have to change my pants.

That was what he thought.

Click, hiss...

As the time ran out, all the grenades gave a crisp click at once. Strangely, however, the expected explosions never came. Instead, they sprayed out clouds of oddly shaped pink smoke.

"Cough, cough... Cough, cough... Damn it, we've all... Cough, cough... We've all been played..."

Violent coughing rang out. Once the terrified crowd realized these things weren't going to explode at all, they collapsed onto the floor, coughing as they celebrated their narrow escape.

"Godfather, are you all right?"

After recovering, Woody, the fittest among them, hurried over to Maroni and helped him up.

Who would have thought that the godfather, normally such a towering figure, could look so pathetic and vulnerable...?

"I'm fine. Don't worry."

Maroni patted Woody's shoulder to reassure him that he was all right.

And when his palm landed on Woody's shoulder, Woody shuddered involuntarily.

So... So the godfather's hand is this solid and warm. I wish... I wish he'd do it again...

For some reason, despite it being nothing more than ordinary physical contact, Woody felt his long-cold heart begin to stir.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this way. Perhaps it had been his wedding vows, that dance in his teenage years, or perhaps that girl who had smiled at him at school.

No, no, no. How could plain, unremarkable women like them possibly... possibly compare to the godfather...?

Gradually, for some unknown reason, his breathing grew heavier, and his eyes became increasingly hazy.

"Hey! Are you all right? You..."

Noticing something was wrong, Maroni shook Woody firmly by the shoulders. Yet as he did, he realized for the first time that Woody's face was actually... so captivating.

It wasn't just Maroni and Woody. For some reason, everyone else's gazes slowly began to turn strange as they looked at one another. Only a scant few still seemed normal, and they were inching toward the corners in horror.

Beep, beep. Rrrip.

Just then, the box Zuo Ci had wheeled inside suddenly broke apart for some reason. A huge assortment of wondrous little toys spilled out, their varied shapes and uses better understood than spoken aloud.

Among them was a small note covered in writing.

"These are premium goods I painstakingly procured from a certain mysterious great nation in the East. Guaranteed fully charged and powerfully driven, they're sure to satisfy all your needs!

What's more, I've thoughtfully coated every single one with chili powder and mustard oil. I'm sure they'll bring you ten out of ten-or even nine out of ten-pleasure.

Don't thank me. I'm just a nameless fellow who enjoys helping others.

Have fun (๑°3°๑)."

Hardly anyone noticed the note, though. They simply picked up the toys in a state of abandon...

"That's enough, that's enough. Stop playing it. Please, stop playing it..."

By this point, Gordon couldn't take any more. He practically begged Zuo Ci to turn off the recording.

When he'd received Zuo Ci's invitation to watch a video, Gordon's heart had sunk. Although he could more or less guess that Zuo Ci had pulled off another vicious stunt, and every fiber of his mind and body wanted to decline, he had ultimately steeled himself and come over as though marching to his death.

Reality then proved that his preparations had been woefully inadequate.

"Oh, come on. You really can't handle much, can you? The main event hasn't even started, and you're already done?"

"I'm not young anymore. Just watching the opening is more than I can take. If I watch the main event, I might drop dead right here.

What exactly did you do, anyway? Why did they suddenly turn out like this?"

At that question, Zuo Ci chuckled, sounding utterly evil.

"You know I'm a mysterious merchant, so I always have a few magical little items on hand."

[Product name: Gay Bomb

Price: $50,000 each

Effect: Permanently changes the sexual orientation of anyone exposed to it, while also powerfully triggering humanity's primal urge to reproduce.

Note: Who the hell came up with this goddamn thing?! Oh, Brickleberry? Never mind, then.]

For this operation, Zuo Ci had used an item from the parody cartoon Brickleberry. Originally, the thing had been enormous, but a few simple modifications had turned it into a small hand grenade.

He'd thought that would weaken it at least somewhat, but its effects had remained just as potent. All he could say was that products from parody cartoons were seriously unbeatable.

"Uh... Well..."

Gordon didn't know what to say. At that moment, though, he suddenly really wanted to call the cops too.