Was he afraid of other people finding out about their relationship, or afraid that he would lose utterly in this love affair?
Chu Qingjiu did not know.
Aching bitterness threaded through his heart. These uncontrollable feelings, so far beyond his control, defied his own will. The more clearly he saw, the deeper he sank.
He seemed utterly helpless against anything Qi Wu did.
What was he supposed to do?
If this went on... how could he ever extricate himself and bring it to an end?
Qi Wu was a liar, always teasing him with cruel, careless ease. Every time, he showed weakness at just the right moment, drawing Chu Qingjiu deeper and deeper.
What was he supposed to do?
He even thought that perhaps playing this game of love with Qi Wu would not be so bad. If one day Qi Wu no longer wanted to play with him, he could turn Qi Wu into a puppet and trap him at his side, unable to go anywhere.
Qi Wu had provoked him first. Surely he couldn't just throw him away once he grew tired of playing with him?
But how was he supposed to make peace with it?
Qi Wu had no affection for him at all. Everything was an act, a beautiful dream painstakingly woven for him. Only, he had glimpsed the truth ahead of time, and so that dream had become an abyss.
Was he supposed to watch himself walk, fully conscious, into an abyss called "Qi Wu"?
Chu Qingjiu frowned, his eyes suddenly stinging.
Qi Wu was still kissing his lips, and Chu Qingjiu did not stop him. Much of what Qi Wu did had, in fact, happened with his silent permission and indulgence.
And now, the reason neither of them had any outlet for their feelings was the profound gulf between them.
Qi Wu did not know why Chu Qingjiu had suddenly grown cold toward him. Chu Qingjiu was like a cloud on the distant horizon, impossible to fathom or approach.
Chu Qingjiu did not know why Qi Wu's affection for him was 0. During their time together, had there ever been a moment when Qi Wu had truly felt something for him?
Even if it had lasted only a second, he could have deceived himself and kept playing along with Qi Wu.
But even if he deceived himself, he would still feel somewhat hurt. He did not know why he felt wronged. Perhaps it was because this was the first time he had ever liked someone?
Qi Wu watched as Chu Qingjiu suddenly began shedding tears with his eyes closed. His movements faltered for an instant before he pulled back a little and asked hoarsely, "Gege, why are you crying? Did I hurt you?"
Chu Qingjiu opened his eyes. His beautiful violet eyes were misted with tears, which pooled and spilled down his face. Their reddened rims betrayed the turmoil inside him.
He drew a deep breath and asked with feigned composure, "Have you ever felt anything for me? Even for just one second?"
But his trembling voice and tearful eyes told Qi Wu that he was not nearly as indifferent as he appeared, nor nearly as cold.
He was simply used to suppressing his feelings, used to hiding everything away. He could have lived perfectly well alone, but Qi Wu had insisted on barging into his world and making him grow accustomed to his clingy presence.
He disliked having his emotions swayed by someone else, disliked losing control. It left him feeling terribly insecure.
Only with great difficulty had he persuaded himself to adjust to Qi Wu's presence, to grow used to Qi Wu wheedling, making unreasonable demands, and whispering all manner of sweet words to make him happy.
Only with great difficulty had he made himself try to accept a new emotional bond. He did not want to be abandoned, and he could not bear it.
"Gege, I love you. I love you so, so much. I'd go mad without you."
As Qi Wu spoke, he kissed Chu Qingjiu's eyes again, kissing the tears from his lashes with a tenderness that was almost unbearably intimate.
But Chu Qingjiu noticed that Qi Wu's affection for him still had not changed. His heart ached with unbearable bitterness. Was he still going to lie to me, even now?
He choked back a sob, sounding deeply disappointed. "Qi Wu, you're lying to me."
"I'm not lying to you. I've never lied to you."
"But you clearly don't love me."
Qi Wu abruptly stopped kissing Chu Qingjiu. Looking at him crying with reddened eyes, so heartbreakingly pitiful, he felt as though Chu Qingjiu would leave him in the very next second.
"Gege, you can see other people's affection or love for you, can't you?"
Chu Qingjiu closed his eyes and gave a bleak smile. Perhaps he thought that once Qi Wu knew he could see affection levels, Qi Wu would begin putting some genuine feeling into it.
Although that genuine feeling would most likely be an act as well, it did not matter. He could accept even an act, as long as the person deceiving him was Qi Wu.
"Yes, I can see your affection for me. It's always been 0, so I don't believe anything you say."
"That's impossible, gege. There must be a bug. I really do love you. What will it take for you to believe me?"
"...It's all right. I'll just pretend I don't know. Let's be like we were before. Let's pretend nothing happened and go back to how things used to be."
Chu Qingjiu no longer wanted to agonize over whether Qi Wu was acting to deceive him or pretending to love him. He did not want to know anything anymore. He would simply return to the beginning, when he had known Qi Wu was a liar and still chosen to sink deeper.
He accepted it, willingly resigned himself to it. He would play this game of love with Qi Wu, even if only one of them was serious.
Thinking about these things hurt too much. He only wanted to flee far away, pretend he knew nothing, and sink into the abyss Qi Wu had so carefully woven for him.
"Cough, cough..."
Chu Qingjiu suddenly frowned and began coughing. As blood surged within him, a metallic sweetness rose in his throat. He turned his head aside and spat out a mouthful of blood.
He gasped, tears spilling from the pain and making his small face look even paler. Vivid scarlet blood lingered at the edge of his kiss-swollen lips, decadent and beautiful, but Qi Wu felt only heartache.
"Gege... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have upset you like this."
Qi Wu held Chu Qingjiu's arm, making sure he would not collapse from weakness, while wiping away his falling tears with his other hand.
Perhaps it was guilt, coupled with Chu Qingjiu's refusal to believe how deeply he loved him, that made Qi Wu feel increasingly hurt as he looked at the weak, blood-spitting Chu Qingjiu.
He wrapped an arm around Chu Qingjiu's waist and gathered him into his embrace, burying his face in Chu Qingjiu's shoulder and crying in muffled sobs.
He lifted his head, his eyes clear, pure, and pitiful. Tears still fell one after another. "Gege... please don't be angry with me. I'm begging you."
Qi Wu's voice was muffled and thick with tears. Chu Qingjiu's face rested right against his chest. He pressed his ear over Qi Wu's heart, listening to its fierce pounding, then raised his arms to embrace him and gently patted his back.
His voice was very weak, but loud enough for Qi Wu to hear clearly. "I won't be angry with you."
Because he simply could not be angry with Qi Wu. What was he supposed to do?
Before you continue