Dragon Gate Academy

Seeing the emperor agree so readily, the Old Patriarch's wrinkled face blossomed like a chrysanthemum with delight. He continued, "Our clansmen have discussed it many times, but we have never settled on anything suitable. Now that we have the honor of an audience with Your Majesty, we would ask you to bestow a name... And we also humbly request an inscription for the academy's main building."

Emperor Chen pondered for a moment. "The Southern Suburbs are not far from Dragon Gate Mountain. Let it be called Dragon Gate Academy!" The Old Patriarch clapped his hands in praise. "Your Majesty is the true dragon, the Son of Heaven. In years to come, scholars from across the realm who enter the academy will be like carp leaping through the Dragon Gate. At the foot of the capital, disciples of the Son of Heaven—Dragon Gate Academy is truly a marvelous name!"

Emperor Chen picked up the imperial brush from his dragon desk, moved the golden lion paperweight aside with one hand, and swept his brush across the snow-white Huzhou rice paper, writing four large characters: "Blessings for ten thousand generations." At a slight wave of his hand, the attending eunuch hurriedly and carefully lifted the paper, its ink still wet, and handed it to the Old Patriarch. The old man held it in trembling hands, overcome with emotion. "Your Majesty's grace blesses all beneath heaven. Dragon Gate Academy shall surely fulfill your trust and spread learning and culture..."

Liu Daxia of the Left Gold Crow Guard had also been squeezed to the back of the ranks. After listening to the Old Patriarch chew over ornate phrases for so long, he had grown rather weary. He nudged the shoulder of General of the Cloud Banner Niu Jindang beside him. "Hey, hey, hey, old Jindang, what's His Majesty talking about?"

Niu Jindang, who barely knew a basketful of written characters himself, stared with his great oxlike eyes. "Huh? I don't know either. I heard... seems... seems he's talking about building houses!"

Liu Daxia lost all interest at that. He tucked his court tablet under his arm, folded his hands inside his broad sleeves, and closed his eyes, his heavy eye bags drooping as he began to doze. A moment later, he thought better of it and looked behind him. Seeing Infantry Commander-in-Chief Dong Chengbiao standing there, he nudged him with his elbow as well. "Hey, hey, hey, uh... young Dong, keep your ears pricked for me. If His Majesty mentions soldiers or fighting-anything along those lines-wake me right away."

Dong Chengbiao had once served under Liu Daxia. Hearing his former commander's instructions, he reacted as though he had received a military order, thumping his chest with resounding blows. "Rest assured, old general. I'll keep both ears pricked and make sure you don't miss a thing!"

Satisfied, Liu Daxia turned back and opened his mouth in a yawn. Age had taken its toll on his stamina, and before long, drowsiness washed over him. His head drooped, and he began to nod off.

Chief Censor Qin Lie stood among the ranks, listening to the Old Patriarch's halting, breathy speech ahead. He was considering moving closer when his nose suddenly began to itch. He rubbed it, plucked out a few protruding nose hairs, then stuck his forefinger into a nostril and dug out a lump of snot. At once, he felt wonderfully relieved.

He kept rubbing the lump between his thumb and forefinger, gradually rolling it into a tiny black ball. After checking that no one nearby was watching, he flicked his finger and sent the little ball onto the back of the official in front of him. The man's broad court robe rippled slightly, the cloth briefly dimpling before springing back into shape. The ball rolled silently to the floor, and Qin Lie chuckled to himself.

Qin Lie stuck his finger into his other nostril. He heard the Old Patriarch saying something about His Majesty's benevolence, respect for worthy men, leniency toward the people, and the glorious rule of Emperors Ming and Zhang, followed by a string of praises for His Majesty's civil and military genius, the reverence of all his subjects, and how he was truly an emperor unmatched in a thousand years—a blessing to the people of Great Chen and to the realm itself. Qin Lie dug another great lump from his nose and felt refreshed in body and spirit.

The Old Patriarch rambled on and on. Perhaps it was the remark that His Majesty's courage and prowess in battle had once surpassed all three armies and were known throughout the realm that scratched Emperor Chen exactly where he itched. He slowly rose from behind the dragon desk...

In those days, the Two Princes had followed the late emperor Zhao Zhen on campaigns north and south. The second prince had been a superb mounted warrior, with courage no ten thousand men could withstand, the sort who could take an enemy general's head amid a vast army as easily as reaching into a bag. He had enjoyed considerable prestige among the troops. In personal martial prowess, Emperor Chen Zhao Chang had indeed surpassed the eldest prince Zhao Zhen, but in civil governance, he had fallen well short.

Holding up the large lump on his finger, still coated in mucus, Qin Lie stole glances around him. Out of the corner of his eye, he suddenly spotted Liu Daxia of the Left Gold Crow Guard. Of all the rotten luck, that old bastard was in the neighboring rank, only a few steps away, his head hanging as he dozed. Remembering their last fistfight, Qin Lie felt a faint lingering ache at the corner of his eye. Temptation stirred within him, and driven by his malicious sense of humor, he quietly leaned over, stretched out his arm, and flicked the lump toward the back of Liu Daxia's head...

Just then, Emperor Chen was offering the Old Patriarch words of encouragement. "Old Patriarch Cui, your wholehearted loyalty, and that of the entire Cui clan of Fanyang Commandery, to the imperial house greatly comforts me. I hope Dragon Gate Academy will nurture many worthy disciples. One day, when I reclaim Qin Prefecture, wherever my armies point their blades, all resistance shall crumble..."

Listening with his ears pricked, Infantry Commander-in-Chief Dong Chengbiao hurriedly patted Liu Daxia on the back and called softly, "Old general, His Majesty mentioned armies! His Majesty mentioned armies!"

"Hm...?" Liu Daxia abruptly turned his head. Just as he was about to speak, he felt something cool strike his lip. Beside him, a man dressed as a civil official quickly withdrew into the ranks. It looked as though he had just leaned out and thrown something at him. Liu Daxia focused his gaze and saw that it was Chief Censor Qin Lie.

Liu Daxia touched the foreign object on his lip, pinching it between two fingers and finding it exceptionally sticky. He pulled it off and looked. It was an enormous lump of gray-green snot, with a long, stringy trail of mucus still clinging to his beard, wet, gooey, and utterly revolting. Rage surged inside him. With a furious roar, he lashed out at Chief Censor Qin Lie like a rabbit kicking an eagle...

When Liu Daxia turned his head and the lump unexpectedly struck him square in the face, Qin Lie thought, Oh, no!

Qin Lie was already on guard when Liu Daxia's kick came flying at him, and he dodged sideways. But Liu Daxia had put too much force into it and could not stop his momentum, pitching straight to the floor. A veteran of countless battles, he grabbed Qin Lie by the crotch of his trousers as he fell and dragged him down as well. Then he rolled over, straddled Qin Lie, and raised his palm, broad as a cattail fan, to slap him viciously across the face. "You fucking did that on purpose to make a fool of me and turn my stomach!"

Qin Lie's face burned from the blow. Knowing he was in the wrong, he covered his face with his sleeve and blustered, "You're really fucking hitting me!" Before he had finished speaking, two more punches landed on his head with heavy thuds, knocking off his hat. The ranks of officials erupted into chaos.

"You're damned right I'm hitting you!" Old grudges and fresh hatred surged through Liu Daxia, and he slapped Qin Lie across the face again. Seeing his colleagues crowd around, Qin Lie burned with shame and anger. He bucked his hips, but Liu Daxia pinned him firmly down. In desperation, he seized his court tablet and swung it hard across Liu Daxia's face. With a sharp crack, the tablet snapped in two. Liu Daxia's hair and beard bristled from the blow, blood pouring from his mouth and nose. He spat out two back teeth...

Beside himself with fury, Liu Daxia grabbed Qin Lie's hair with every ounce of strength he possessed and reached for his throat with his other hand. Qin Lie, his eyes red with rage, drove his knee hard into Liu Daxia's lower back and sank his teeth into Liu Daxia's fingers. The onlookers reached in from every side to pull them apart, but both men were now fighting in deadly earnest, locked together as though neither would rest until the other was dead. Neither would loosen his grip first...

The explosive brawl threw the hall into a noisy uproar, soon drawing the attention of the Chen emperor, Elder Cui, and the other clan elders. When the emperor ordered the gold-melon mace guards stationed in the hall to wrench the two men apart, Elder Cui could not help sucking in a cold breath. Before him stood two white-bearded old men roughly his own age. One had disheveled hair, a bruised and swollen face, and a court robe torn to shreds. The other had wild hair and one swollen cheek, and held two teeth in a blood-drenched hand, blood smeared around his mouth and nose...

Elder Cui watched with his heart pounding in alarm. When had the other Cui elders ever witnessed such a spectacle at court? Two frail, sickly elders fainted from fright on the spot. Those beside them rubbed their chests and pinched the points beneath their noses, and the hall descended into noisy chaos once more.

Emperor Chen seethed inwardly. The muscles in his cheeks twitched several times, and he said in a low voice, "The imperial physician... summon the imperial physician at once!"

Once the imperial physician, his head drenched in sweat, had revived the two unconscious elders, the great hall gradually quieted. Emperor Chen stared at Liu Daxia and Qin Lie, who stood in the middle of the crowd still panting heavily. He seized Suppress Mountains and Rivers from the dragon desk and slammed it down. "Do you two acknowledge your crime?"

Thud! One of the elders the imperial physician had just revived fainted again from fright.

The imperial physician hurried forward and began treating him again, sweat pouring from his brow. The Old Patriarch shakily rose with the aid of his dragon-headed walking stick. Opening his mouth to reveal the gaps in his teeth, he offered Emperor Chen an awkward but courteous smile. "Your Majesty's affairs of state must take precedence. We old men shall... take our leave..."

With that, he cautiously backed away, while the other elders supported one another and slowly made their way out of the hall.

Emperor Chen's face darkened. Bracing one hand on the desk, he leaned forward and glared at Liu Daxia and Qin Lie. "Time and again, you two have roared and brawled openly in my court, utterly disregarding the dignity of the imperial house. Do you hold me in no regard?" He seized Suppress Mountains and Rivers and slammed it down again. "Guards! Drag these two out and give them thirty strokes of the rod!"

Before his words had faded, another thud came from the group of Cui elders who had just reached the hall's entrance. The same elder had fainted yet again...

Qin Lie lifted his shredded court robe and pointed at his badly swollen cheek, protesting, "Your Majesty... he struck me first. Your old servant lacks even the strength to truss a chicken... he nearly beat me to death! Your Majesty must grant your old servant justice!"

Liu Daxia stiffened his neck and wiped his face, smearing blood all over it. Pointing at Qin Lie, he said, "Your Majesty, this old bastard plays dirty! He pulls sneaky tricks behind people's backs. Your Majesty, look what he did to your old servant... Your Majesty... look... these are my teeth, my teeth!"

Emperor Chen's face turned livid. "Silence! Drag them both out and give them thirty hard strokes!" Four gold-melon mace guards entered the hall and seized Liu Daxia and Qin Lie.

"Your Majesty... Your Majesty, spare me... your old servant knows he was wrong!... Your Majesty..." Dragged toward the exit by two towering guards, Qin Lie was overwhelmed by shame and anger and hastily begged for mercy.

Liu Daxia remained defiant. Shaking free of the two guards, he glared, his beard bristling. "I've got legs and feet! No need for you to lay hands on me. I'll go take my punishment myself!" With that, he walked out of the hall on his own.

Seeing that the emperor was truly furious this time, the officials all knelt to plead for the two men...

In the end, considering their advanced age and their years of arduous, distinguished service, Emperor Chen docked them six months' salary as a warning to others.

Amid all this uproar, the Great Chen Empire's court session finally came to an end...