Chapter 30

"Mr. Dazai-" Akutagawa and Atsushi Nakajima cried in panic.

"Dazai!" Kunikida panicked too.

"You bastard mackerel!" Chūya Nakahara gritted his teeth.

"D-did he kill himself?" Yuji Itadori jumped up too, unable to stop himself from looking at Osamu Dazai.

Under everyone's gaze, Osamu Dazai smiled brightly. "Is something the matter?"

"No, nothing." Everyone looked away. S-so scary. It feels like he'll kill us to keep us quiet.

Only two people failed to read the room.

Ryunosuke Akutagawa, utterly incapable of picking up on the mood, looked ready to throw himself at him. "I'll protect Mr. Dazai, no matter what!"

"Shut up, Akutagawa."

Akutagawa: T_T

Satoru Gojo, who never bothered reading the room, leaned over. "Poor kid. If you're having psychological problems, you can always come to your reliable teacher Gojo~"

"Get lost." Osamu Dazai's face was expressionless.

Even after they withdrew their sympathetic gazes, a shadow hung over everyone's hearts. The apocalypse was too cruel.

Those two were only children, too.

Osamu Dazai lost consciousness.

When Osamu Dazai woke again, he instinctively turned his head. Sure enough, An Xinyi sat beside his bed, dark circles stark beneath his eyes.

He looked utterly exhausted. Osamu Dazai did not know how much of that was because of him.

Perhaps... all of it.

Noticing that Osamu Dazai was awake, An Xinyi lifted his eyes. Neither joy nor anger showed in those dark depths.

"Yiyi." Osamu Dazai's eyes were lifeless, blood seeping through the bandages around his wrists. "There's no saving us. We're all going to die."

"There's no saving humanity, Yiyi. We can't hold on."

He was in so much pain. Everyone around him was so desperate that all that terrible weight bore down on Osamu Dazai. He was far too easily affected.

And precisely because Osamu Dazai was so resilient and intelligent, he suffered all the more.

His resilience forced him to face that pain, while his intelligence made him understand... humanity's chances of survival were infinitesimal. In the end, everything they were doing now might amount to nothing, merely a final struggle before death.

Osamu Dazai was gentle. He would think that perhaps humanity could calmly accept everything before its extinction, rather than suffer and push itself so hard only to meet a hopeless end. That made his pain even worse, until it became more than he could bear.

He did not want to see those people's despair anymore.

By the time he came to his senses, he had already slit his wrists.

An Xinyi fell silent. He looked at Osamu Dazai, his emotions unreadable in his ink-black eyes.

"Aji," An Xinyi said. "I told you, I won't accept defeat without a fight."

"There's no hope, Yiyi. You know that."

Osamu Dazai gritted his teeth. There's nothing wrong with dying, is there? That way, at least Yiyi won't have to be so exhausted... perhaps exhaustion is even worse than pain.

An Xinyi's face was expressionless. "Then go say that to the people out there who are still fighting with everything they have, still risking their lives to resist! Go tell them!"

Osamu Dazai was speechless. He did not dare. Precisely because he knew everyone's emotions were strained to the breaking point, he could not say it. It was too cruel, truly too cruel. So many people would die.

Osamu Dazai could accept his own death. Only his own.

"Aji, I thought I could protect you for the rest of your life." Yet An Xinyi appeared calm. In truth, he was exhausted too, and he was suffering too. "But my abilities really are limited."

"Aji, I can't protect you forever anymore. You have to grow up yourself." An Xinyi always seemed invincible, but now a trace of weariness crept into his voice. "But I promise you this: I'll die before you do, because you're the child I love."

"Yiyi..." Osamu Dazai's voice caught.

"The same goes for those people." An Xinyi pointed beyond the door. "You think they're suffering too much, that there's no hope left. Do you think they don't know that themselves?!"

"You think they're suffering too much, but you never stop to consider why they endure that suffering and risk their lives. Because their families, their lovers, their children are all out there, waiting for them to create even the tiniest bit of hope. Can they stop?! Even if the odds are one in hundreds of millions, they can't stop!"

"Aji, you can afford to despair. I can't." Because An Xinyi had to shoulder that despair for Osamu Dazai, he forced himself to be strong more than anyone else.

"No, Yiyi, don't..." Osamu Dazai's words tumbled out incoherently. The young boy clutched his head in anguish. He knew. That was the problem-he knew. He was a burden through and through, An Xinyi's greatest source of pressure. Without him, An Xinyi would not have needed to work so hard or push himself so relentlessly.

That was why Osamu Dazai could no longer bear it.

He could not bear knowing that his existence brought An Xinyi pain. Wouldn't it be better if I died? Osamu Dazai thought.

"Death must be wonderful. In the end, does living really mean anything..." Osamu Dazai looked dazed. Death. What a beautiful word. A death that comes only once, and no more struggling in this filthy world.

Death would free me from all of this.

Smack-

Osamu Dazai's eyes widened. His cheek burned, his face knocked sideways by the force of the slap. But the □□ pain did not matter. He was simply...

"Yiyi..." This was the first time An Xinyi had hit him. Before this, no matter how badly he behaved, An Xinyi had never struck him.

"Shut up, Osamu Dazai." An Xinyi's voice was frighteningly low.

"Do you think living is something so cheap?! You know how many people out there are struggling on the brink of death, and just how desperately they want to live!"

"From the very beginning, you had no right to squander your life. The time you've spent alive has already consumed resources others needed to survive."

An Xinyi's voice was so cold, so merciless. "To put it bluntly, the bandages and medicine used after your suicide attempt are also wasting resources that could keep other people alive."

Osamu Dazai clenched his hands until his knuckles turned white.

"I really have protected you too much." An Xinyi looked down at Dazai. "I'll arrange a job for you after this. Go work. Then you won't have time to think so much."

With that, An Xinyi turned to leave.

"Big brother Yiyi!" Osamu Dazai lunged forward to grab the hem of An Xinyi's clothes. He was not even afraid of death, but he was truly terrified of An Xinyi coming to despise him.

"Aji." An Xinyi looked back. Osamu Dazai remembered his expression and his words for many years.

"I don't know what meaning life has. If you try to search for meaning, you won't find it."

"But your life should at least have value."

As a human being, what could you do for humanity as a whole?

Rather than merely feel sorry.

Osamu Dazai covered his face. Without question, he did not want anyone to see his expression.

Embarrassing. This was far too embarrassing. To Osamu Dazai, it was nothing short of a public execution.

Having all his vulnerability, all his ugliness ripped open like this was undoubtedly torture for Osamu Dazai.

Yet he could not stop himself from looking at the screen.

An Xinyi.

He repeated that name in his heart.

No one would say things like that to Osamu Dazai. Even if they were unpleasant, even if they cut deep, only someone who had truly entered his heart could say them.

Only Sakunosuke Oda had said something similar before his death, and Osamu Dazai had remembered it for the rest of his life.

And now, another person had said it.

You really are amazing, Mr. Ranpo, Osamu Dazai suddenly thought. You saw right through me.

Ranpo Edogawa knew Osamu Dazai could not withstand this.

Osamu Dazai would gravitate toward feelings so sincere. Even if they were not meant for him, someone like him found it far too easy to empathize.

Besides, for Osamu Dazai, An Xinyi was someone he could approach.

Osamu Dazai knew that getting close to him and falling in love with him was a misfortune, so instead he pushed away the people he cared about.

But An Xinyi was different. He was too strong, and... too unfortunate. Compared with An Xinyi's misfortune, Osamu Dazai's own was utterly insignificant.

That, instead, gave Osamu Dazai a sense of security.

After all, he was a despicable man.

Osamu Dazai covered his face, hiding his twisted smile from everyone. I want him so badly. My big brother Yiyi.

By now, he no longer cared at all about An Xinyi's earlier efforts to distance himself. After all, he had already fulfilled his promise once, hadn't he?

Ranpo Edogawa shivered. Damn you, Dazai! Even you, with those honest-looking features, have defected!

Fyodor and Ayatsuji Yukito noticed too. One smiled even more brightly, while the other wore an expression so blank it sent chills down one's spine.

As for everyone else...

Doppo Kunikida adjusted his glasses, wanting to say something but stopping himself. That Dazai... Mother hen Kunikida's gaze wandered. His psychological problems are pretty serious. Should I pay more attention to him after all?

Yukichi Fukuzawa's expression grew even more solemn.

Mori Ougai felt rather nostalgic. Dazai had been like that before, after all. Still... that Mr. An Xinyi had taught him better. There was a fundamental difference between the two Dazais. Unable to say whether he felt regret or something else, Mori Ougai lowered his eyes. He would never regret it. After all, it had been the optimal solution.

As one of the people who understood Dazai best, Chūya Nakahara stayed silent too. He was a decent man at heart. However poorly they usually got along, he would not poke at Dazai's private wounds.

Inside, though, he was cheering. Well done, An Xinyi! That mackerel needed a slap to wake him up! That's what he gets for being so miserable!

Of course, whatever they were thinking, everyone-including the Jujutsu Kaisen group-tacitly kept quiet. This was someone else's private business, after all, and commenting on it would be too rotten. The Bungo Stray Dogs group were even more afraid of earning Dazai's grudge. Anyone with half a brain knew they would die horribly.

An Xinyi kept his word. No one knew how he persuaded China's Bunnies, who were so adamant about protecting their young, but Osamu Dazai was assigned a job as a telephone operator.

Osamu Dazai's daily work was simple: pass instructions from above to the people in charge below. Sometimes he also coordinated with people working outside and maintained contact with them... but it was not quite that simple, because the job brought him into contact with many people struggling on the edge of death and despair.

Many people had suppressed their emotions to the limit. They would rather confide in a stranger over the phone than pass their negative feelings on to the people around them.

Because they had to be strong.

"...I really don't know how to tell the men. The road ahead is cut off... hardly any of us will make it back..."

"...Could you pass a few words on to my family? Tell them I'm fine, I'm doing well. They have to keep living..."

"...Damn the heavens! How could this happen?! How much longer is it going to torment us?!"

Positive, negative, optimistic, despairing... Osamu Dazai encountered far too many different kinds of people. Before dying, some railed against fate over the phone and cursed the world. Some longed for their families, unable to let go. Others accepted death with weary sighs...

Osamu Dazai thought he understood humanity well. Only after truly coming into contact with these people did he realize just how complicated human beings were.

Of course, even more people died without managing to leave a single word. Osamu Dazai merely called into a silent receiver, "Please respond if you can hear me. Please respond if you can hear me..."

There were too many.

If the lives lost before had merely been numbers, the lives being lost now were all too vividly real.

Even Osamu Dazai was no exception. Having come into contact with them, he could no longer accept their deaths.

He could no longer say that death was a good place to end up... how could he face those who wanted to live?

Osamu Dazai felt a profound chill, yet he had no choice but to answer call after call, encouraging those people with the most optimistic words he could find, even though he was just as desperate.

Osamu Dazai could not accept those people dying because of a mistake he made.

Yet people still died.

Some starved to death in shelters that lacked food supplies. Some died when hurricanes and earthquakes struck their shelters. Some chose to leave safe zones and become transport workers to deliver lifesaving supplies. Some stayed at their posts, working tirelessly...

Osamu Dazai knew he could not save anyone. He was only a listener, a listener who could accomplish nothing.

"...Your voice sounds so young. Are you really an adult? You remind me of my son. I wonder if he's doing all right."

"...Finished another assignment this time. I wonder how my son's doing. His mother's gone. Can he take care of himself..."

"...I'll complete the mission, no matter what. I'll get those supplies there."

Chen Zhongming was the captain of a transport unit. He liked Osamu Dazai very much, feeling that hearing his voice was like hearing his son's. Transport work was the hardest and most dangerous job. Outside, temperatures had already dropped to ten or even several tens of degrees below zero, and transport workers constantly faced hurricanes, fissures, landslides, and a host of other threats.

But lives depended on this work. If transportation stopped, not only would construction of the city at sea become impossible, but many people would starve or freeze to death.

For Osamu Dazai, Chen Zhongming was a memorable name too. He loved telling Dazai stories from his journeys. Perhaps he really did see Dazai as his son, the way a father liked boasting to his son about his past achievements.

And someone as brave yet easygoing, responsible yet strong as Chen Zhongming did not have to die.

He had put himself in mortal danger to protect that shipment of supplies.

"When I first started this job, my captain told me that the supplies mattered more than our lives. It's cruel, but that's reality." His former captain had later died for that same reason.

Chen Zhongming sounded all too matter-of-fact when he said this. He believed it from the bottom of his heart and was willing to die for it.

It was cruel, but one shipment could save hundreds or thousands of people, while a transport worker was only one person.

And now, Chen Zhongming's cab was trapped in a crevice beneath fallen rocks. Though his injuries were not severe, with blood loss and hypothermia setting in, death was only a matter of time.

The only consolation was that communications had not been cut off.

Chen Zhongming had completed many dangerous, difficult missions without ever complaining. Upright, strong, responsible, and loving... it had to be said that he fulfilled every fantasy Osamu Dazai had originally held about a father.

But the apocalypse was cruel. Even though Osamu Dazai had long accepted that reality, he still could not accept that this man, as dependable as a mountain, would ultimately die.

But rescue would not arrive in time.

Osamu Dazai understood that, and so did Chen Zhongming.

Because the road had been severed. The fissure that had opened earlier had sent Chen Zhongming plunging down and left a two-meter-wide crack in the ground... however anxious those above were, however badly they wanted to save him, they could not move the rocks over him without a large crane.

Yet, as if compelled by some unseen force, Osamu Dazai went against his role as a listener for the first time. He began encouraging Chen Zhongming, telling him he would be saved, that rescue would arrive in time.

In fact, this was part of his job too. As telephone operators, encouraging injured people waiting for rescue also fell within their duties-Dazai had simply never been particularly enthusiastic about it.

There's no need to waste effort like this, is there? After all, ninety-nine percent of the injured never survive until rescue arrives.

And now, he knew his efforts were futile, but he still could not accept it. Why are there so many scumbags in this world, yet a good man like Chen Zhongming... has to die?

"Mr. Chen, stay alert! Mr. Chen!"

Osamu Dazai kept cheering him on. He had never known he could say so many positive things one day, when he himself was so hopelessly gloomy.

"Mr. Chen, rescue will be here soon. Just hold on a little longer, and you'll be saved. Think of your son. You'll be able to reunite then, have a meal together or something..."

Gradually, Osamu Dazai no longer knew what he was saying. His usually silver tongue now merely spat out words mechanically.

In the end, Osamu Dazai was still very young. He was nowhere near capable of giving up on a life-a life he cared about so deeply.

Even if the chances of rescue were infinitesimal, Osamu Dazai still prayed in his heart at that moment. What if? What if a miracle happens?

Chen Zhongming knew too. Even though he knew Osamu Dazai's words were empty promises, he still said, yes, he would hold on until rescue came.

He held on for seven hours through blood loss, hypothermia, and oxygen deprivation.

Until he could hold on no longer.

"...C-could you help me... pass a message... to my son...?"

Osamu Dazai tightened his grip on the receiver. "Tell him yourself."

"...Just one thing... hh... hh..."

Osamu Dazai suddenly gave a cold laugh. "I lied to you. Rescue won't get there in time. You're not going to survive. None of us are! Your son included-everyone's going to die!" All his pent-up emotions erupted at once. Osamu Dazai truly did not know what he was saying. Reason told him he should not say these things to a dying father, but he could no longer stop himself.

Why do I have to do these things?! Pursuing death is what Osamu Dazai should be doing, not telling people to keep living, to keep fighting... is this even Osamu Dazai?

"...Don't worry... you're a... good kid... things will get better... I'm here... you have to keep living..."

Yet the man quietly listened to Osamu Dazai's stream of curses and merely spoke to him in a gentle voice.

He was there. Those adults were there. A child like him did not need to worry.

He had to keep living.

Osamu Dazai was momentarily speechless. Wasn't he dying? How could he say something like that as though it were only natural?

Living was so painful!

"...Ha...cough, cough..." It was the sound of blood clogging his throat. "...Good boy...help me tell him...your dad was a real man...he did right by everyone...from now on...no matter what, you have to keep living!"

His final words were steeped in blood and fierce resolve, yet they came out with startling clarity.

"I won't tell him. Stay alive and tell him yourself! Chen Zhongming! Chen Zhongming!" Osamu Dazai all but roared.

"...Cough, cough..." The voice grew fainter. "...Thank you...thank you..." Even at the very end, he hadn't given up on him.

"..."

The receiver fell to the ground, but the boy paid it no mind.

"What the hell...I was lying to you..." There would be no rescue, no hope. He was the one who had made that poor man struggle between life and death for several more agonizing hours, prolonging his suffering.

"To live..." Osamu Dazai held his head in his hands and slowly crouched down. He felt it now, the immense weight of those words. This was what Yiyi had wanted him to feel.

Thank him? But what had he ever done to deserve that?

The bonus is a story about Bungo Stray Dogs ability users from other countries, a story about sacrifice and courage. Since it turned out quite well, I'm including it anyway.