A Resolve Full of Cracks

It took quite a while before Yishi gradually calmed down. Looking a little embarrassed, she wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes.

"S-sorry, Bai Yu."

Bai Yu gently shook his head.

"It's all right."

Bai Yu tidied her disheveled hair. Some of her long brown locks had curled into tangles. He took a comb and carefully worked them loose, gently smoothing them out.

"You haven't eaten yet, have you, Senior Sister Shishi?"

"No. I don't have much of an appetite."

"I'll cook and heat some water while I'm at it. Take a bath first, Senior Sister Shishi. You... still need to eat."

Setting the comb aside, Bai Yu went over to the stove and began heating water. There was still some rice in the jar, so he scooped some into a basin and started washing it.

Yishi simply sat there, staring blankly at Bai Yu a short distance away. Those scenes had already been seared into her mind: the Titan eating her father right in front of her, the hand reaching toward her, and the terrifying grin stretching across its face.

And then there was that small figure standing on the Titan's corpse, the hand he extended toward her, and what had sounded like the sweetest voice in the world.

She couldn't forget either...

Whenever Bai Yu wasn't there, she only had to close her eyes to see the Titan approaching her, again and again. Her father's mangled corpse lay beside it, his eyes still open in death, the terror on his face reaching deep into her heart.

It felt as though her mind was about to break.

She stared blankly at Bai Yu for a long while.

"Senior Sister Shishi, the water's ready. Go take your bath."

"Oh. Okay."

Pulled from her thoughts, Yishi picked up the wooden bucket and poured hot water into the tub. As she turned away, she glanced at Bai Yu.

"Bai Yu, c-could you wait outside the door?"

Bai Yu froze for a moment, then nodded. He tossed in the ingredients he was holding, covered the pot, and lowered the heat to let the food stew.

He leaned against the wall beside the door.

For a while, everything was quiet. The only sound was the rustle of clothing inside the bathroom, but Bai Yu paid it little attention. He was wondering what he could possibly do about Yishi's mental state.

This is tricky.

"Bai Yu, are you still there?"

Yishi's timid voice came from inside, as though she was afraid he had left.

"I'm here, Senior Sister Shishi."

"Oh."

Perhaps it was because the light inside was poor, leaving the room a little dark, but she came out before long. She had wrapped herself in a bathrobe. Her skin was very pale, and she was a little thin. When Bai Yu spotted the patches of hair she hadn't washed properly, the corner of his mouth twitched. Clearly, she had barely bothered washing it.

"Senior Sister Shishi, let me wash your hair."

At his words, Yishi's expression softened a little, and she nodded gently.

"Okay."

Once Yishi sat back down, he brought over another basin of hot water and had her lean back with her head over a large wooden basin behind her. Steam still rose from the water.

He tested the temperature with his hand, wet her hair again, then used some of the hair-cleaning liquid beside him. It could probably be considered this world's shampoo.

He began massaging it into her hair with just the right pressure, and Yishi couldn't help enjoying it. After all, Bai Yu often washed Xiate's hair.

Suddenly, behind her tightly closed eyes, Yishi seemed to reach some kind of decision. She opened them and looked up at Bai Yu's face. If they weren't judging by his face alone, no one would believe that such a dependable boy was only twelve.

"Bai Yu."

"Hm? What is it?"

"I want to take part in military training too."

Bai Yu was a little puzzled.

"Do you want to join the Military Police Brigade, Senior Sister Shishi?"

Bai Yu thought Yishi wanted to move inland and live somewhere far away from the Titans, but then he grew a little worried.

"But you have to rank among the ten best cadets to join the Military Police Brigade. Otherwise..."

Before he could finish, she interrupted him.

"I-I want to join the Survey Corps."

Yishi looked at the Survey Corps uniform Bai Yu wore and spoke in a trembling voice.

It seemed those words had drained every last bit of her courage.

That answer was completely beyond anything Bai Yu had expected. Even his hands trembled, and he stopped.

"Yishi?"

Yishi, fighting Titans? With her looking like this, in this state of mind, Bai Yu didn't know what to say.

"I've thought about it for so long. Bai Yu, do you know how terrifying it's been inside my head all this time?"

Yishi suddenly seized Bai Yu's wrist. The pain in her eyes was laid bare, filled with nothing but torment.

But that only made Bai Yu even more worried.

With her fear of Titans, he didn't think she could even hold a blade.

She wasn't like Xiate. This resolve she had forced herself to scrape together seemed riddled with cracks.

Looking into her eyes, Bai Yu fell silent. Without a word, he eased her hand off his wrist and continued washing her hair.

When Bai Yu said nothing, Yishi pressed her lips together. Leaning against the edge, she spoke again in a trembling voice.

"Bai Yu..."

Bai Yu gently rubbed her long hair, still saying nothing. He didn't know how to begin.

Yishi fell silent too. For a moment, the air in the room seemed to freeze.

After a long while, Bai Yu rinsed the suds from her hair with clean water, then took a dry towel and dried it.

"There, all done. Dry yourself off too. The water's getting cold. You'll catch a cold."

With that, he headed outside, but Yishi spoke again, her voice utterly feeble.

"Bai Yu, I don't want to die..."

Bai Yu turned around and finally spoke.

"If you join the Survey Corps, you'll die."

"But I don't want to die. When I'm here, Bai Yu, do you know what it's like? That smiling face in my head, that Titan-it, it makes me want to die!" The latter half of her words came out almost as a growl.

Bai Yu couldn't bear it, but he couldn't encourage her to join the Survey Corps either.

"If you really want to join the Survey Corps, why do you need my approval...?"

At those words, Yishi's whole body began trembling in fear.

"Because I don't have the willpower! I'm a coward too! I can't do it. I can't endure the training. Even thinking about Titans scares me so much I can't move. I don't want to join the Survey Corps!! But I can't keep living here. I-I really don't want to die!!"

Her tearful outburst made Bai Yu want to say something, but Yishi spoke again.

"Bai Yu, please, I'm begging you. I really can't do it. If you don't agree, I won't even be able to get through the beginning. If you don't agree, I-I probably won't even be able to pick up a blade."

Toward the end, her voice gradually lost its strength, as though she hated herself. She wanted to escape. She wanted Bai Yu to hold her together, because she couldn't do anything on her own.

Bai Yu realized this too. He stopped at the doorway, turned back, and hugged Yishi from behind, speaking softly into her ear.

"All right. You have my approval..."

Yishi froze, and at last she could no longer hold back her tears.

"Th-thank you. I'm sorry..."