My first wife

"Hell yeah, I finally traveled to Grandpa Miyazaki's world! Totoro, here I come!"

[The door cannot be opened from this side]

"Which fucking Miyazaki is this?!"

The strange dream ended abruptly, replaced by a savage force that tore the man away from his anchor in reality.

His consciousness was scattered like loose sand. The air smelled of damp mold, rough stone scraped his fingertips, and all around him was a narrow, cramped cave, with nothing but an old, battered iron door at its far end.

This actually wasn't a dream?!

The man stood up, startled by how weak his body felt. But that couldn't stop him from moving forward. He heaved the iron door open, and light flooded mercilessly inside.

A vast landscape filled his vision. Crumbling ruins lay prostrate upon the barren earth, and at the far end of that desolate expanse, a towering, magnificent Erdtree dominated the entire sky.

Its enormity defied comprehension. Its trunk resembled a colossal pillar supporting heaven and earth, its roots seemingly reaching deep into the world's core. Lush branches spread outward, every leaf woven from pure golden light, bathing the entire sky in a glorious, sacred gold.

The man gazed up at the Erdtree like an ant looking upon a god. Yet he couldn't help smiling, because-he had finally been banished here again!

"Oh, you're... Tarnished, aren't you?"

A thin, unctuous voice rang out. Following it, the man spotted someone wearing a white mask.

The white-masked man rubbed his hands together and stooped forward, smiling before he even spoke, like a financial adviser in a bank lobby.

"You came to these Lands Between in search of the Elden Ring. I know all about it," the white-masked man said. "But you are maidenless. You know not where guidance lies, cannot obtain the strength of runes, and will never be invited to the Roundtable Hold. All that awaits you is an unremarkable death."

Definitely a salesman. First he manufactures anxiety, then comes the 'solution.'

Just as the man expected, White Mask continued, "But even so, you need not despair, for you have met me, Varré. I will tell you everything you need to survive. Grace, for instance. Simply rest at those golden lights, and you can replenish your strength and heal your wounds. This is a blessing left by Queen Marika, and it is... Hey, are you listening?"

The man had been staring at the distant Erdtree the whole time. Only at Varré's shout did he turn back. "Sorry, Larré. I zoned out."

"What do you mean, Larré? It's Varré!" White Mask Varré repeated emphatically. Still, he was accustomed to oddities. Tarnished came in all sorts, after all, from Astrologers who arrived already versed in advanced magic to Barbarians born with only nine intelligence.

Varré sized the man up. Apart from the loincloth around his waist and the Club in his hand, he had nothing. He was practically a caveman, worse off than a Barbarian. He probably didn't even have nine intelligence. Seven, at most.

Forget it. No point arguing with an idiot.

"What's your name?" Varré asked.

"My name is..." The man stopped halfway and shook his head. "Names mean nothing in the Lands Between. Just call me Tarnished."

"Fine, Tarnished it is. It's only a name anyway," Varré muttered. When he looked up again, Tarnished had already turned back toward the distant Erdtree.

"Magnificent, isn't it? Majestic. Many Tarnished are just like you, utterly entranced by the Erdtree's dazzling exterior." Varré started on a lofty note, preparing a sharp reversal that would thoroughly disparage the Erdtree's inner nature, when Tarny suddenly spoke.

"I'm not looking at the Erdtree."

Varré froze. "If you're not looking at the Erdtree, what are you looking at? You've been staring straight ahead without even turning your head."

Tarnished pointed. "I'm looking at that dark shape behind the Erdtree, to the right. Look closely. There's a snowy mountain there."

"Huh, you're right. That mountain really doesn't stand out under the Erdtree's light." Varré shaded his eyes and peered into the distance, then asked curiously, "But what's that curved thing on its summit? It looks man-made."

Tarnished fell silent for a moment. "It's a pot."

"You've got to be joking." Varré scoffed. "That mountain is miles away. How big would a pot have to be for us to see it?"

"Yes. It's a very, very big pot."

Seeing that Tarnished looked perfectly serious, Varré asked again, "That really is a giant pot? Why would there be such a huge pot on top of a mountain?"

Tarnished's gaze grew distant. "Perhaps because some stories have their endings decided before they even begin."

"Decided?" Varré snorted. "By whom? The Greater Will? Don't make me laugh. I would never submit to some predetermined fate. I believe we make things happen ourselves. If you want to change something, you can!"

Tarnished was surprised by his answer. "You mean that?"

"Of course! Don't think I'm just mouthing platitudes. My lord was abandoned, yet he still founded the Mohgwyn Dynasty. There's no better proof!"

The moment the words left his mouth, Varré broke into a cold sweat.

He had accidentally revealed his allegiance. The Mohgwyn Dynasty hardly had a good reputation in the Lands Between. It seemed he wouldn't be recruiting this Tarnished after all.

Instead, Tarnished gave him a look that was almost a smile and asked, "What's the Mohgwyn Dynasty? A bank?"

"What bank? Actually, what is a bank? Never mind, that's not important." Varré asked cautiously, "You really don't know about the Mohgwyn Dynasty?"

"Nope."

Varré was overcome by mixed feelings.

On one hand, he was relieved Tarnished had never heard of the Mohgwyn Dynasty's formidable reputation, leaving his recruitment plans intact. On the other, he resented the fact that Tarnished had never heard of its formidable reputation-my darling lord works so hard! How could you not have heard of him? You ought to have!

As a devoted supporter of the Mohgwyn Dynasty, Varré desperately wanted to introduce Tarnished to the greatness of his organization. But reason told him that if he actually did, Mr. Anbohe would surely string him up and beat him for leaking confidential information.

After weighing the consequences, he could only suppress his missionary zeal and change the subject. "Is that really a giant pot on top of the mountain?"

"Yes." Tarnished nodded. "You saw it yourself, didn't you?"

"My eyesight is poor. I can't see it clearly."

"I see." Tarnished thought for a moment, then held out his hand. "I'm the Elden Lord. Give me fifty thousand runes to help restore my strength, and once I reclaim my throne, I'll give you a telescope."

Varré was stunned. He had conned countless people on his little patch of turf at the First Step. He had never imagined someone would try to con him today.

"A telescope only costs five hundred runes! The merchant at the Church of Elleh over there sells them! You're asking me for fifty thousand? Why don't you just rob someone?!"

"Because this is much faster than robbery."

"Get the hell out of here! See Stormveil Castle over there? That's the home of the hideous demigod, Godrick the Grafted. If you want an audience with the Elden Ring, storm that castle and kill Godrick-or get killed by him!" Varré felt like an idiot for wasting time on an idiot like Tarny. He rattled off everything he had to say in one breath, then added scathingly, "If you're the Elden Lord, then I'm the Blood Lord!"

Tarnished chuckled, entirely unoffended, and took out a finger that had turned to corpse wax.

[Tarnished's Furled Finger]: Can leave special messages that other Tarnished can see at any time. A withered finger of corpse wax, left behind by a predecessor who wished to help those who followed.

Varré: "???"

Tarnished wrote on the ground: "Liar ahead, no horse ahead!"

Varré: "I'll kill you!!!"

Before he could draw his weapon, Tarnished had already dashed away like the wind.

"So fast!"

Varré cried out in surprise. That agility was hardly what he expected from a newcomer. Truly worthy of a caveman with seven intelligence.

Tarnished waved from afar. "Thank you, Larré! What you said just now was very important to me!"

"It's Varré, you bastard!"

Tarnished chuckled and strode proudly toward the Church of Elleh, wearing nothing but a loincloth. But after only a few steps, a golden knight appeared ahead, clad in golden armor and carrying a halberd and greatshield.

The knight had clearly noticed Tarnished too. Since Tarnished hadn't come within attacking range, however, he merely reined in his mount and stood on guard.

"You dare obstruct the Elden Lord's path?" Tarnished snorted. "Such insolence. No wonder you were shipped off to Limgrave to babysit the newbie zone."

The golden knight suddenly decided he didn't have to be quite so particular about attacking range. Only by showing more initiative could he get transferred back to Leyndell sooner.

Rousing music began to play. The golden knight pulled on his reins, and his warhorse reared with a long neigh before charging at the Tarnished.

"You dare attack the great Elden Lord? You're courting dea-hey, hey, hey! Uh, uh, uh! Wait, wait! Fine, I'm a magnanimous man. I'll spare your life this once!"

The Tarnished scrambled and rolled out of the attack's path, then bolted into the Church of Elleh like a dog. Wary of the ruins, the golden knight finally abandoned his pursuit.

"Why did you have to provoke the Tree Sentinel?" Inside the Church of Elleh sat a merchant dressed in red, with a donkey beside him that was also dressed in red.

"Why shouldn't I provoke a mere Tree Sentinel? He's the one defying his superior," the Tarnished complained. "I told him I was the Elden Lord. Why wouldn't he believe me? I was clearly being sincere!"

The red-clad merchant looked over the nearly naked Tarnished. "I don't think sincerity has anything to do with it. In any case, stop provoking the Tree Sentinel if you want to stay alive."

The Tarnished shrugged. "Someone like that can't kill me."

"You don't even have a weapon."

"Yes, I do." The Tarnished showed him what he was holding.

[Club]: A thick, coarse club of hardwood. A striking weapon that requires no finesse. Simple and primitive; repeatedly battering an enemy with brute strength can easily bring them down.

The red-clad merchant said helplessly, "You can defeat the Tree Sentinel with nothing but a club?"

The Tarnished smiled. "Sure can."

The red-clad merchant was certain now: the man before him was an idiot. Otherwise, he wouldn't claim he could defeat the Tree Sentinel with nothing but a club, much less claim to be the Elden Lord.

Idiots didn't make suitable friends, but they made ideal customers.

The red-clad merchant switched into business mode. "My name is Kale. It may not be obvious, but I'm a merchant. And you?"

"My name is Tarnished. It may not be obvious, but I'm an Elden Lord."

Kale automatically ignored the last part and asked, "In that case, would you like to buy something?"

The Tarnished gave him a strange look. "Are you stupid? I've got nothing on me. Where do you think I'm going to pull runes from? My asshole?"

Kale: "..."

"But I am the Elden Lord. If you give me some goods now to help restore my strength, I'll make you my grand general once I reclaim the throne."

Kale: "..."

The red-clad merchant thought for a moment, then took a leather bag from the donkey's pack.

[Crafting Kit]: A leather bag containing tools such as a mortar, a cutting board, and a small knife. Within it are the means for both combat and survival.

"You can have this."

The Tarnished was astonished. "You really believe I'm the Elden Lord?!"

"Of course not."

"Then why are you giving me merchandise for free?"

"Because to make proper use of the Crafting Kit, you'll need to collect recipes." Kale smiled. "I happen to have the Nomadic Warrior's Cookbook [1], the Nomadic Warrior's Cookbook [2], and the Missionary's Cookbook [1]. The first two cost five hundred runes each, and the third costs a thousand. If you want them, go earn some money, Tarnished. I'll be right here waiting for you to return."

Well, damn. Admission is free, but the shuttle costs a fortune, huh? The phone is free, but you have to pay for the service, huh? The first hundred and twenty seconds are free, but you need a subscription for the rest, huh?

The Tarnished looked at the Crafting Kit in his hands with a sigh. Capital, oh, capital. Capital never changes!

"Oh, one more thing," Kale added. "Ever since the Elden Ring shattered, a lot of people have gone mad. If you meet someone who attacks you without asking questions, don't feel guilty. Just kill them."

Taking the capitalist's advice, the Tarnished activated the grace at the Church of Elleh, then followed its guidance north.

While passing through a patch of woods, the Tarnished greeted the soldiers patrolling there in his capacity as Elden Lord. Just as expected, they gave him an enthusiastic welcome by chasing him relentlessly. He sprinted over a hill and arrived at the center of the universe-Gatefront.

The gate in question was Stormgate, and outside it lay a place called the Gatefront Ruins, where many soldiers were stationed.

The Gatefront site of grace was just behind those ruins. The Tarnished had wanted to greet these soldiers as well, but considering what had just happened, he could only lament his irresistible charm and abandon the idea. Instead, he took a detour around the side, crouching through the grass all the way, and reached the Gatefront site of grace without making a fuss or disturbing the locals.

Looking at that little cluster of golden light, the Tarnished took a deep breath, sat cross-legged, and reached out to touch it.

Golden light flared, healing his wounds and weariness while also sending time racing forward, from afternoon into night.

A young woman in a black cloak and hood approached through the darkness. Her voice was cool and clear, as though it still carried the wind from a snowy summit.

"Greetings, traveler from beyond the fog." The young woman lifted her hood, revealing a lovely face and chestnut curls. Her left eye, marked with a curse, remained closed; only her right eye was open. She slowly crouched before the Tarnished and said, "My name is Melina. I would like to offer you an accord."

The Tarnished smiled. Faced with this scene, he didn't even need to think. His answer came straight out.

"I refuse!"

Melina: "..."

Looking thoroughly pleased with himself, the Tarnished said, "I know my charm as the Elden Lord is unrivaled, but as a mature, levelheaded man, I would never casually accept a strange woman's declaration of love. Miss Melina, falling in love with me isn't your fault, but you must first prove your love. How about this? Give me a few million runes as a dowry, buy me a house in Leyndell, and get me a flying dragon to ride. Then I'll consider getting to know you. What do you think?"

Melina: "...I understand. If you have doubts, I won't insist."

Seeing the young woman turn into starlight and begin to disappear, the Tarnished hurriedly said, "Wait! I just wanted to see some commitment. How about this? Forget the dowry. Just buy me a house and a flying dragon."

Melina continued disappearing.

The Tarnished panicked. "Forget the house too! Just give me a flying dragon to ride. That's my bottom line. I can't go any lower!"

Melina sighed. "I have no flying dragon. Only Torrent."

"What's Torrent?"

Melina took out a gold ring.

[Spectral Steed Whistle]: A gold ring that emits a gentle light. Can be used as a whistle.

"Blow it, and you can summon the spectral steed, Torrent."

The Tarnished was utterly shocked. "You even prepared a wedding ring? Melu, just how much do you love me?"

Melina: "...Please call me Melina."

"Sure, Melu. No problem, Melu!"

Melina felt she was already beginning to regret this. "In any case, our accord is settled. I will act in place of a maiden and help you turn runes into strength. In exchange, you will take me to the foot of the Erdtree."

As she spoke, she held out the Spectral Steed Whistle.

Looking bashful, the Tarnished extended the ring finger of his left hand. "Put it on for me."

Melina regretted this even more, but something so minor wasn't enough to shake her resolve.

Beneath the night sky, the girl calmly slipped the ring onto the man's finger. With the stars as his witnesses, the man spoke a solemn vow.

"Melina, from this day forward, you're my first wife!"

Melina: ?