Parkour: The Great Escape from Castle Morne!

"Caw-caw-"

"Waaah-waaah-"

As I rode the lift up into Castle Morne, the first thing that greeted me was a courtyard.

Stones and human corpses were piled into a hill, blood seeping across the ground. Even the flames struggled to burn fiercely.

A group of Misbegotten Monsters trampled atop the mountain of corpses, raising their great cleavers and cheering excitedly. The biggest of them stood at the summit, waving its arms as though delivering a presidential inauguration speech.

Behind it, someone who might once have been the noble who enslaved it was tied to a wooden pole, already smoked and roasted into jerky.

Around the corpse mound, ravenous stray dogs gnawed on the bodies.

Just looking at it turned my stomach.

The clash of blades still rang out all around.

Up on the ramparts, hanged bodies stood everywhere like banners of the Misbegotten's victory, swaying gently in the smoky breeze.

Every so often, a human or a Misbegotten fell from the high walls, becoming another meal for the dogs.

-Castle Morne had fallen.

Bending low, I carefully hopped onto the nearby stone steps and ran onto a stone platform in a corner of the courtyard.

This had probably been a little storage area where soldiers maintained their weapons, with swords, spears, barricades, and tools such as hammers and pliers.

Now it had become a resting place for the dogs, which lounged in the sun after eating their fill.

I'll give you something to sunbathe about.

I charged forward with a jumping slash, hacking the offending dog straight to the ground.

"Woof! Woof!"

No need to bark. I haven't forgotten you.

Another stray dog was hiding in the corner of the platform. It lunged at me furiously.

But I was ready. Once I raised my shield, its leap was like crashing into a wall. As it reeled from the impact, I countered with my shield, then brought my blade down and severed its head.

I peered into the courtyard through the nearby wooden barricade.

Luckily, the Misbegotten were still absorbed in their celebration. The dog's barking hadn't drawn their attention to anything unusual.

But what should I do next?

Lure them over one at a time, like in the game?

Uh, in the real world of Elden Ring, I strongly suspect that would bring every Misbegotten in the courtyard down on me. Once they surrounded me, I'd be slaughtered in a corner.

After all, I'd already had countless confirmations: Godrick Soldiers attacking en masse, the absurd aggro response of the "five tiger" Imps... Besides, there were two or three dogs nearby. Handling all of them alone would probably be pretty difficult.

I checked my surroundings, but there weren't any powerful weapons.

There were two flamethrowers in the corner, but they were completely out of gunpowder and useless.

Then there's only one option-parkour!

Not to brag, but in Elden Ring, the Tarnished's top running speed rivaled Usain Bolt's. Nothing on two legs could compete!

...Oh, except the rotted dogs and crows of Caelid.

These mere Misbegotten are nothing to me!

As for the dogs, I just had to avoid deliberately provoking them. Cruel as it was, all I could do was wish them a pleasant meal.

With that thought, I put away my shield and Straight Sword, stretched, rolled my wrists and ankles, then hopped a few times to warm up.

Good. All ready!

Bang-

I hurled a Fire Pot with all my strength into a corner on the other side of the courtyard, drawing every Misbegotten's attention.

Then I seized the chance. Charge!

I ran flat out, circling partway around the outside of the corpse mound before swallowing my nausea and charging straight up over the bodies.

-I've really made some major progress mentally. Not long ago, I was a total coward. Now I can ignore this much death.

-Human adaptability is terrifying!

Farther in, on the left side of the summit, was a storeroom full of weapons.

"Graaah! Graaah!"

Naturally, the Misbegotten I passed noticed me. They weren't blind, after all. The Scaly Misbegotten atop the mound shouted for its underlings to capture me.

Hmph. As if it'd be that easy!

I dove into the armory.

Furniture Store Domain-expand!

Spirit invocation-Jackie Chan, the "Parkour Pioneer"! Uncle Dragon!

"Graaah-"

A Misbegotten Monster leaped over the wooden barrier. The moment its ugly, ridiculous face appeared in the doorway, a cold glint greeted it. Then a spear pierced straight through it, sending it flying back.

One man holds the pass, and ten thousand cannot break through!

I kept pulling blades, spears, swords, and shields off the weapon racks, grabbing whatever I could and throwing it all through the doorway.

In no time, two of my pursuers were badly wounded. The others began to shrink back, afraid to approach.

Hm?

There in the corner by the door-is that a treasure chest?!

Uh... this is the perfect chance to escape!

But if I miss it, I might never come back to Castle Morne. Then I'll never get what's in this chest...

I cautiously peered outside. Seeing the spear in my hand, the Misbegotten hurried back out of sight.

Hahaha, these cowards!

To hell with it. Men die for wealth, birds die for food!

I tried kicking the chest open, revealing a gleaming silver Greatsword. And the Tarnished's instincts told me that, unlike the soulless weapons around it, this one clearly harbored some sort of Weapon Skill.

Lucky me~

I'd only just picked up the sword when what sounded like Misbegotten cheering suddenly came from outside.

A huge silver-gray wheel came rolling forward, heading straight for the armory.

It was the Scaly Misbegotten. These creatures had no wings on their backs. Instead, they were covered in tough, thick scales. They moved slowly, but every attack carried tremendous force.

I threw the spear. Sparks flew as it struck the creature, but it did nothing to stop its advance.

Time to scram!

Run!

The Scaly Misbegotten was strong, but apparently not very bright. With a long Greataxe in its hands, it got stuck in the doorway for quite a while before realizing it couldn't get through.

By then, I'd already dashed toward the door at the other end of the storeroom.

"Graaah!"

There were two Misbegotten here as well, cornering a human at the edge of a cliff and forcing them to jump.

Right beside them was a ladder.

"Rider kick!" I launched a flying kick, sending one smug Misbegotten straight off the cliff. "Now it's one-on-one! Good luck!"

Then, under the stunned gazes of the human and the Misbegotten, I hurried up the ladder onto Castle Morne's northwestern ramparts.

"Hyaaah-"

"Graaah-"

Shouts and roars rose one after another.

Naturally, the ramparts were chaos.

The surviving human soldiers were still fighting desperately against the Misbegotten. Unfortunately, they were badly outnumbered and completely outmatched.

But I, the Tarnished, wasn't Castle Morne's savior. First, I was just an errand-running lackey. Second, those damned Misbegotten from the courtyard were still chasing me, for fuck's sake!

I'm a damn traitor leading the invaders into the village! Sorry, everyone!

I ran straight through the chaos on the ramparts, found the next ladder, and kept climbing.

This led to the southwestern wall. If I could reach the gap in the parapet and jump down, I should be able to shake off my pursuers.

"Graaah!"

Sigh~

Sure enough, whenever I reached this spot, a Misbegotten was guaranteed to notice me and come jogging over.

It leaped from the steps, the little wings on its back fluttering wildly, and raised its great cleaver to slash straight down at me.

Heh, heh. I've got new equipment too!

I drew the Greatsword I'd just picked up and channeled my magic into it.

Weapon Skill activated—Lion’s Claw!

Gripping the Greatsword in both hands, I swung it down into the ground. Using it as a pivot, I somersaulted forward and slashed at the Misbegotten with all my strength!

Clang!

My sword struck the stone steps, leaving the webs between my thumbs and forefingers trembling and numb.

My back and poor old waist were crying out in pain too.

Lion’s Claw looks cool, sure, but it really isn't kind to anyone with a stiff body. Ow.

A slightly confused cry came from the Misbegotten behind me.

Come to think of it, there wasn't a trace of blood on my Greatsword either.

...Did we both pass right by each other in midair?

I turned and found the creature wearing an expression somewhere between laughter and tears.

It saw me too and opened its frog-like mouth, seemingly laughing.

"Laugh at your damn in-laws! Keep laughing!" I drew the other Straight Sword at my waist and swept around, slicing open the Misbegotten's throat.

Dual-wielding style, reporting for duty!

Just kidding~

The complete lack of power in that Lion’s Claw made it clear that my current abilities and attributes weren't enough to bring out this weapon's full potential.

Better give it up for now and stash it at a Site of Grace.

I shook out my hands and continued forward.

At the center of the southern wall, a Misbegotten stood with both arms raised, cheering toward the courtyard.

Behind the forest of wooden poles hung with corpses along the ramparts, two Winged Misbegotten were hiding. Compared with ordinary Misbegotten, they had an extra pair of broad wings that let them fly.

I felt the Kukris at my waist. I had plenty.

Whoosh-

Nice. One headshot, one instant kill.

The two Winged Misbegotten noticed something was wrong, but I was already charging with my shield raised. I treated each to a throwing blade, both striking them squarely in the head and sending them tumbling beneath the walls.

I jumped down from the wooden bridge on the southern wall. The fighting was still raging on the southeastern ramparts.

There were quite a few soldiers here, though. They'd killed several Misbegotten and were barely holding out.

Again, I ignored everything and slipped through the battlefield like an eel, wooden shield raised.

"Hey! You! Wait!" a soldier shouted beside me.

Wait, my ass! If you discover I'm a Tarnished, won't you team up with the Misbegotten to attack me?

Without slowing at all, I climbed the wooden ladder at the end of the eastern wall and reached the beacon tower.

Sure enough, he's here!

Edgar, the lord of Castle Morne, was still sitting on the bench, his brow furrowed as he sighed in despair.