Failure-Man

"Woohoo-!"

Cold wind slapped wildly against Lu Li's face.

He had barely taken flight before Chixia caught up.

"Heh heh, you've got some nerve, racing me, Jinzhou's Feathered Hero!"

"Jinzhou's Feathered Hero? That name won't do."

"What's wrong with Jinzhou's Feathered Hero? I worked hard to come up with it! What do you think I should be called, then?"

An old geezer on the ground watched the young man and woman flying back and forth through the air and sighed. "Ah, to be young..."

Lu Li laughed three times. "From now on, call me Spider-Man!"

"Failure... what?" They were flying so fast that the roaring wind filled Chixia's ears, and she couldn't quite hear him.

"I am Peter Parker!"

Lu Li's face shone with excitement. He had never imagined he could become Spider-Man in this world, swinging over rooftops and scaling walls.

The two raced each other, their destination already in sight.

But...

"Hey, wait! How do I get down?!"

Lu Li suddenly realized there were no more grapple points ahead, which meant he was about to go into free fall.

"You can use the Echo glider in your gourd!" Chixia hurriedly shouted from behind him, but unfortunately, Lu Li didn't hear her.

"Aaaah-I haven't even gotten married yet!" Lu Li shut his eyes in despair.

But the moment the words left his mouth, no pain followed. Instead, a warm sensation enveloped him.

Lu Li cautiously opened one eye and found himself cradled in Chixia's arms, while her other hand held an Echo glider.

Lu Li took the opportunity to wrap both arms around Chixia's slender waist, squirming a little in lingering fright.

Chixia's face flushed. "Stop moving around..."

At that, Lu Li held her even tighter.

The two slowly landed, and the system's voice sounded.

[Option one completed: acquired the talent "Language Proficiency."]

[Language Proficiency: allows communication with any creature in the world, even Echoes!]

[Option three completed: acquired Jinzhou Stew Bowl!]

Lu Li asked in confusion, "How did I both win and tie? Did the system bug out?"

[Theoretically, you should have landed face-first and won, but Chixia saved you, resulting in a tie. Therefore, you have been awarded both rewards!]

"System, you truly are a wise and just magistrate..."

[...]

The blush on Chixia's face still hadn't faded.

"Chixia, words can't express my gratitude, so I've decided to give myself to you!"

Before she could react, Lu Li cupped her pretty face in both hands and slowly leaned in.

Just then, a passing white-haired old geezer silently put on his reading glasses.

"Well, holy shit! Young people these days!"

Hearing the voices around them, Chixia snapped back to her senses and pushed against Lu Li's chest.

Chixia brushed back her hair and stole a shy glance at Lu Li, only to find him looking at her with regret written all over his face.

"Aren't we... moving... a little too fast...?" Chixia stammered.

Seeing them separate, the white-haired old geezer by the roadside suddenly widened his eyes.

"Oh! Isn't that Patrol Commandant Chixia!"

Chixia turned toward his startled cry. "Oh! Uncle Old Zhang!"

She quickly jogged over. "Uncle Old Zhang, you were the one who asked for help earlier, right?"

Uncle Old Zhang stood hunched over, his voice weathered. "Yes! My San Hua's gone missing. Patrol Commandant Chixia, please help me find her! San Hua's mischievous and doesn't know any better. I'm afraid something might happen to her!"

Lu Li walked over too. "San Hua? Is she a cat?"

"Yes! Young man, are you here to help too? You're quite a fine-looking fellow. You and Patrol Commandant Chixia make a lovely match."

Lu Li grinned smugly and put an arm around Chixia's shoulders. "You flatter me. I'm here to help too!"

Chixia patted Lu Li's chest. "All right, you've taken more than enough liberties. Let's hurry up and find San Hua."

"But... where should we look?" Chixia scratched her head, at a loss. Finding animals really was a troublesome business.

"Leave it to me!" Lu Li gave a mysterious smile.

This was the perfect chance to test his newly acquired talent.

Lu Li walked over to a big yellow dog by the roadside and patted its head.

"Moshi moshi?"

"Woof!"

[Is this human talking to me?]

"Yes, I'm talking to you."

"Woof, woof!" Big Yellow jumped back in fright.

[You can actually understand me?!]

Lu Li stroked Big Yellow's chin. "Do you know San Hua?"

"Woof!"

[San Hua? Oh, you mean that orange cat who hooked up with A Fu?]

"A Fu?" Lu Li looked eager for gossip. "How did they hook up?"

Big Yellow stuck out its tongue, looking rather excited. "Woof, woof, woof!"

[I'll tell you, but don't tell any other dogs. This is my exclusive scoop! I can dine out on it for the rest of my life!]

"Don't worry, my lips are sealed! They call me Lu 'Tight-lipped' Li."

"Woof, woof!"

[It was a dark and windy night. I saw A Fu lying on San Hua's back with my own eyes...]

Just then, Chixia suddenly popped up behind him.

"Lu Li, what are you and Big Yellow muttering about?"

"Ahem!"

Big Yellow caught the hint and instantly shut its mouth.

"Big Yellow, I'm actually here to ask whether you know where San Hua went."

"Woof, woof!"

[I do, I do! I saw her heading toward that Relic Seeker this morning!]

"The Relic Seeker?" Lu Li turned to Chixia. "Do you know where the Relic Seeker is?"

"The Relic Seeker? You mean Uncle Chenpi's place?" Chixia blinked. "Don't tell me Big Yellow told you that. You can do that too?"

"Of course. I'm Spider-Man!"

Then Lu Li walked over to Uncle Old Zhang. "Sir, has that San Hua you mentioned hooked up with A Fu?"

"How did you know?!" Uncle Old Zhang was startled. Hardly anyone in all of Jinzhou knew about this. "She's even pregnant! Have you already found out where San Hua went?"

Excellent. My canine friend hadn't lied to me!

What Lu Li hadn't expected, however, was that Big Yellow had followed him over to eavesdrop.

Now Big Yellow was pawing anxiously at Lu Li's trouser leg. "Woof, woof!!"

[Didn't you say your lips were sealed?!]

Lu Li grinned smugly. "You only said not to tell other dogs. You never said I couldn't tell people."

Big Yellow froze, then bared its teeth at Lu Li. For the first time, it experienced just how treacherous society could be.

"Woof, woof!"

[I may not be human, but you're a real son of a bitch!]

Lu Li jolted. "How did you know I'm Jinxi's Dog? Have you been reading the Jinya Forum too?"

"?"

Lu Li couldn't help marveling. No wonder people said the one behind the screen wasn't necessarily human. Even Big Yellow could surf the internet now.

Chixia said, "All right, we don't have any other leads anyway, so I'll trust you this once! Let's go!"

Chixia took Lu Li's hand to leave. Before they left, Lu Li patted Big Yellow on the head.

"Big Yellow, spend less time on your phone. It's bad for your eyes."

"???"