You Were Stronger Than Me

March had just passed, and Li Ping'an was tending his vegetable garden at home.

Aliya poked her head over the wall. "Uncle, has Chu Sheng sent a letter?"

As the years passed, Aliya had blossomed into a graceful young woman.

Her skin had improved, her cheeks had filled out, and her features had grown much softer.

Her personality remained as cheerful and lively as ever.

"Not yet," Li Ping'an said.

The war at the front had only recently ended, and the soldiers had yet to settle down.

A letter could not possibly arrive so soon.

This time, Great Sui had won a considerable victory, but the cost had been equally devastating.

In the blink of an eye, another two months passed, yet Chen Chusheng's letter still had not arrived.

Duha and Aliya both worried that something had happened to him. Several times, Aliya dreamed that Chen Chusheng had died on the battlefield.

A few more days passed.

Li Ping'an decided to visit the front. As it happened, Ma Sanniang had asked him to take care of something there.

Leading Old Ox, Li Ping'an made his way along the road.

The road grew narrower, and travelers grew scarcer.

Desolation stretched everywhere, with only the wind blowing past, rustling the poplar trees beside the road.

Along the way, Li Ping'an met a woman traveling with a young man of seventeen or eighteen.

The woman was not unattractive, nor was she particularly old.

But she was all skin and bones, looking like a dried-out hen.

"Mother, let's rest a while. Have some water."

The young man took out a flask of water, then rummaged in his bag for some steamed flatbread.

Afterward, he walked over to Li Ping'an.

"Uncle, have a baked flatbread. There's some homemade pickled vegetables too. I hope you don't mind the humble fare."

Li Ping'an smiled gently. "Thank you."

Through their conversation, he learned that this mother and son were also searching for a relative.

The woman's eldest son was a soldier in the army too. Now that the war was over, they still had heard nothing from him.

Unable to put her mind at ease, the woman and her younger son had decided to visit the army camp.

"Mother, don't worry. Big Brother will be all right."

The young man comforted her.

"Didn't Big Brother say he'd have money when he came home? Then we could live in a big house, and you wouldn't have to weave anymore."

The woman sighed. "What do I care about a big house? All I want is for you both to be safe and sound."

Several days later, Li Ping'an reached the army camp at the front.

With the great battle over, discipline at the front had relaxed considerably.

Li Ping'an approached a sentry. "Sorry for the trouble, soldier, but I'd like to ask about someone."

The sentry looked Li Ping'an over.

"Do you happen to know someone named Chen Chusheng?"

The sentry said nothing.

Without making a show of it, Li Ping'an handed over some copper coins.

The sentry hefted them a few times and said casually, "Don't know him."

Li Ping'an then took out a piece of silver weighing about a tenth of a tael.

"For you and your brothers to have a drink."

Only then did the sentry change his tune. "Looking for someone? Go to the records office."

The sentry called over a young soldier and told him to escort Li Ping'an and the others to the records office.

The woman and her son benefited from his generosity too.

When they reached the records office, they found many people there looking for their families.

They feared they would find nothing, yet also feared that all they would find was news of a death.

Some covered their faces and wept; others prayed silently...

"Next! Next!"

The official at the records office wore an impatient expression.

Li Ping'an and the woman waited a full four hours before their turn finally came.

Then the official slapped the table. "That's enough. We're done for today. Anyone looking for someone can come back tomorrow."

At those words, the people behind them immediately grew agitated.

But aside from voicing a few complaints, there was nothing they could do.

Li Ping'an stepped closer and took another tenth of a tael of silver from inside his robe.

"Sir, we've been on the road for days. Please make an exception for us."

"Those are the rules. There's nothing I can do," the man declared with righteous conviction.

"Of course, of course."

Li Ping'an took out another handful of silver pieces.

"Please make an exception, sir. This elderly mother is worried about her son."

The man made a show of nodding and changed his tune. "They're all serving their country loyally. I understand. Tell me their names and where they're from."

Li Ping'an and the woman gave him the details of the boys they had come to find.

The official brought out a thick stack of registers. "Look for yourselves. A red cross means they're dead."

When they opened them, they found page after page densely packed with names.

Neither the woman nor her younger son could read.

Li Ping'an could only lean closer, open his pale eyes, and make out the names one by one.

It was far too slow.

So Li Ping'an wrote down the name of the woman's son and had the two of them memorize its shape before searching.

The round disc of the setting sun rested against the desert's ridgeline, tracing its contours one after another.

Li Ping'an rubbed his eyes and set down the register.

He sat there without speaking for a long time.

At that moment, he too felt as though a thick fog lay before his eyes.

The writing on the paper trembled, and he could not bear to look any longer.

Suddenly, the woman brought over a register and pointed to a name. "Sir, sorry for the trouble, but could you check whether this is my son's name?"

Li Ping'an paused for a moment. "It is."

The woman seemed to have guessed something already. "Then this red cross..."

When Li Ping'an gave no further reply, she froze.

She lifted a hand, but it dropped helplessly again, and she sat down.

Li Ping'an closed the register, wanting to offer some words of comfort.

But in the face of life and death, all words seemed so pale and powerless.

Li Ping'an left the army camp.

Five days later, Li Ping'an found Chen Chusheng's body on a hillside.

This was not the main battlefield, and no one had collected their bodies.

The wolves and jackals in the hills had profited from that, though fortunately Chen Chusheng's body remained intact.

Presumably, they had not reached him yet.

Before he died, he must have fought back with all his strength.

Wounds covered every inch of his skin, packed so densely that scarcely a scrap of unbroken flesh remained.

The boy's face was still resolute.

Perhaps, before he died, he had still been dreaming of that beautiful future that was never meant to be his.

Li Ping'an heard that it had been a cultivator in the squad. In their final battle, they had originally been carrying out a surprise attack.

But that cultivator had betrayed Great Sui and led the squad into a Turkic ambush.

Li Ping'an dug a large pit and buried all their bodies.

He had intended to dig a separate grave for Chen Chusheng, but then thought the boy would not want to be too lonely.

So he buried him with his companions.

Sitting beside the grave, Li Ping'an spoke quietly to himself. "Back when I used to read, I came across these words.

"You can choose anything in this world except the days you live through.

"Nothing in this world bears close scrutiny. Look closely, and every single thing hides a grievance.

"Since coming to this world, I've suffered a great deal.

"I used to think I'd simply take each day as it came. I had no lofty ambitions soaring into the clouds. Right or wrong, success or failure-it all came to nothing in the turn of a head.

"I thought I was some old Zen master who had seen through the world's joys and sorrows, its partings and reunions. In truth, I simply didn't want to endure those separations in life and death.

"I've been softhearted since I was little. As a child, when I saw my playmates deliberately crushing ants to death,

"I would stop them, and because of that, none of the other children would play with me.

"My father said I'd never amount to anything when I grew up.

"In that respect, you were stronger than me."