Liu Qian lay down fully clothed, her thoughts churning in the darkness, unable to fall asleep.
Usually, Guo Sufi was the one who tidied the house and went to sleep last. Yet tonight, she had lain down on the kang early and had not gotten up to settle everyone else. The other men had not noticed these details, but Liu Qian had taken them to heart. Especially Guo Sufi's unusual expression after returning from Grandma's room—it filled Liu Qian with growing suspicion. Still, this was the Zhang family's private affair. As an outsider, Liu Qian truly had no place to ask about it, so she could only keep it bottled up inside.
Guo Sufi, too, tossed and turned in the darkness, occasionally letting out soft sobs. Only after a long while did her emotions settle. She asked softly, "Qianqian, you're not asleep yet, are you?"
Liu Qian answered carefully, "Not yet, Auntie."
Guo Sufi sighed and said apologetically, "Sigh, there are some things weighing on my heart. I've made a spectacle of myself in front of you."
Liu Qian forced a smile. "Auntie, who doesn't run into troubling matters? It's nothing."
Another stretch of silence followed. Guo Sufi continued, "Qianqian, when did your mother leave you?"
Liu Qian thought for a while before saying, "According to my father, I was four when she caught a very serious illness. We sought doctors again and again, but none of it worked. When my mother passed away, I didn't remember much."
Guo Sufi said, "Perhaps having no memories is a kind of happiness. You don't have to miss her every moment."
"Yes, Auntie, that makes a great deal of sense," Liu Qian said. "Everything I know of my mother comes from what Father told me. He said her family had been very well-off, while Father's circumstances had been poor. But Father's learning moved Mother. Grandfather and Grandmother had opposed it, adamantly refusing to agree. In order to be with Father, Mother resolutely left home and cut off all contact with her parents. Sigh, Grandfather was heartless too. Even now, I don't know where they are, and they have never come to see us. Father was very learned, but he disliked government affairs and disdained the scheming and infighting of officialdom. That was why he never left home. He had always lived in a mountain village, making a living by teaching, and Mother lived there with him."
After a brief pause, Liu Qian continued, "Mother had always been frail. The doctor had told her it was best not to have children, but for Father's sake, she still gave birth to my older brother. It badly drained her vitality, and it took years of recuperation for her to recover. When she was carrying me, Father tried to persuade her too, afraid something might happen to her. But Mother said that since the child was already there, it was a gift Heaven had given her. She was willing to give up everything for her child. My birth went smoothly, but Mother's body collapsed afterward. Until the day she left us, she was in terrible condition. I have always thought that if Mother had not wanted me, she surely would have been all right."
By then, Liu Qian's voice had begun to choke with sobs.
Guo Sufi comforted her. "Qianqian, when you become a mother someday, you will understand. A child is everything in a mother's heart. If she can do ten parts for her child, she will never do only nine. Though you were still inside your mother's womb, everything about you had already been branded upon her heart. She would never have abandoned you out of concern for her own health. From early on, she would have thought only of you, of bringing you safely into this world."
"Yes, Auntie," Liu Qian said. "Sometimes, I feel so grateful to my mother. Though my memories of her truly are only vague, she could escape the shackles of her family for her own happiness, and she could offer up her life for her child. Sometimes, when I think of it, a mother's love is so ordinary, yet so great. And Auntie, I have not been here long, but I especially love the harmonious atmosphere in your home. Seeing how Xiaohua and the others depend on you, I envy it deeply too."
Guo Sufi said, "Qianqian, I cannot compare with your mother. I have lived in this little mountain village since childhood and never learned to read or write. I cannot compare to your mother, who read so many books and knew so many things. Ever since your uncle married into our family, I felt that since two people were living together, they ought to live in harmony, treating each other with respect and love. Otherwise, what joy could there be in life? Later, we had Xiaolong, Xiaohu, and Xiaohua, the three brothers. Watching them grow bit by bit, you cannot know that feeling—my heart was full of pride and accomplishment. Your uncle and I know few words and have seen little of the world. The children have suffered along with us; we have not been able to educate them properly. They cannot compare with you and your brother."
"Auntie, that is not right," Liu Qian said. "Though my brother and I have read more books than Xiaolong and the others, know more characters, and have seen more of the world, Auntie, when Yueyue and I were bullied in town, there were plenty of scholars present. But which one of them stepped forward? Wasn't it Xiaolong and the others? They may not have read many books, yet they understood the justice between Heaven and earth. They were not afraid of power or fists and stepped forward. That kind of goodness is true goodness. The more books people read, the less hot blood they may have, and the more misgivings they gain. They may not necessarily be better than those who have not read."
Guo Sufi said with comforted pride, "Speaking of them, I truly am happy. Those children were kind by nature and sensible from a young age. Though mischievous, they never harmed others. They also knew our family's circumstances and never caused us trouble. Since childhood, everyone in the village has liked them. As for helping others, they truly have done quite a lot. Having raised them to this age, I, their mother, am very proud of them. Sometimes I think that if our family had truly been better off, they might not be the sort to put our minds at ease now."
Liu Qian agreed. "Yes, Auntie. Sometimes, a person's fate is fixed by Heaven at birth. If one can grow well in a certain environment, forcibly changing that environment may not bring a good result."
Then, seeing that Guo Sufi's mood had improved somewhat, Liu Qian continued, "Auntie, it seems you still have not told me what happened today. Keeping things bottled up inside is not good. Saying them aloud is better for your health too."
Guo Sufi gave a strained smile. "Look at me. Once I started talking about the children, I wandered far from the subject. I truly do think about the children too much in my life."
Liu Qian did not respond. Guo Sufi continued, "As a mother, I think of my own children and worry whether they are cold or warm, fed or hungry. Yet I have neglected my own mother. When I was still a child, Mother took care of me and watched over me. She watched me grow up into adulthood too. Now, I have thrown my whole heart into my own children and forgotten my own mother long ago. Though I care for her every day, cook for her, and make her new clothes, I rarely talk with her from the heart or ask what is on her mind. Looking back now, I should have done so much more for Mother."
Liu Qian felt her chest tighten as well. Yes, mothers everywhere loved their children, yet their children often neglected their own mothers. She comforted Guo Sufi, "Auntie, when Grandma sees that your heart is with your children, she is happy too. She will not mind that you do not pay enough attention to her. She will only give the love she has for you to her own grandchildren. Besides, Auntie, your mother is still by your side. Isn't that better than someone like me, who has no mother left to cherish me?"
Guo Sufi said faintly, "But when you want to repay your mother, only to discover that the time you have left with her is already short—wouldn't you deeply regret not realizing it sooner?"
Liu Qian sighed deeply. "Yes. When a child wishes to care for a parent, the parent may no longer be there to wait. That too is one of life's greatest regrets. But Auntie, Grandma is already of such an age. She has seen you marry, seen her grandchildren born and grow up—she must be very happy too. Though you have not directly shown her concern, you have actually been loving and caring for her indirectly. I think Grandma certainly will not blame you."
After a moment of silence, Guo Sufi said, "Qianqian, it is good to be like you—well-read, literate, and reasonable. After hearing what you said, my heart feels much more at ease. We country village women sometimes simply cannot turn the corner in our minds."
"Auntie, please do not praise me like that," Liu Qian said. "I am from an Agriculturalist family too."
"Qianqian, do not be so modest," Guo Sufi said. "At least I know that throughout these four villages and eight hamlets, there is no child as clever as you. Oh, and the things Grandma said to you this afternoon—if there was anything discourteous in them, do not take it to heart."
"I won't, Auntie," Liu Qian said.
Guo Sufi was quiet for a while before finally saying, "Qianqian, but then again, this is also her final wish. And our family likes you very much. I have always wanted to ask what you feel. Since we two women have talked so much tonight, I will not worry about so much anymore. Do you think Xiaolong is all right?"
Now it was Liu Qian's turn to fall silent.
Liu Qian did not know how she ought to answer. By rights, she was very satisfied with Xiaolong, but after all, they had known each other only a short time. Their interactions over the past few days could not reveal a person's true nature. Yet those fated to meet would meet even from a thousand miles away, while those without fate could meet face-to-face and remain strangers. Sometimes, affinity was something terribly difficult to explain. A few short days together could leave an impression unforgettable for a lifetime, while years upon years of companionship might leave behind only friendship. It was the same when looking at a person. Sometimes, one glance was all it took to understand someone; if you could not understand them, even a thousand or ten thousand glances would reveal only a blur. Her affinity with Xiaolong had gone from a hero saving a beauty to a beauty offering herself in return. It truly was a fine tale that could be passed down through the ages. But to stake the happiness of her entire life on Zhang Xiaolong on that basis alone—naturally, she still hesitated.
Grandma treated her extremely well, and the Zhang family treated her extremely well too. She liked Zhang Xiaolong, and she liked this poor yet warm and harmonious home. This family greatly resembled her own home, where respect and love had filled every corner with warmth. She was willing to join this family, and she was willing to fulfill Grandma's final wish, to see her leave this world without regrets. But all of this still seemed too green. Should she give it some time to brew and ferment?
Liu Qian hesitated, unable to answer.
After a long while, she said, "Auntie, it is too late tonight. Let us speak of this another day."
Guo Sufi sighed softly as well and said no more.
Moonlight flowed like radiance over the Zhang family courtyard. How many people could sleep?