Illness

After a long while, Liu Qian finally stopped crying.

She pointed at the stream and said to Zhang Xiaohua, "Xiaohua, look at this river. From its source, it is only a thin trickle, flowing along the riverbed. As more water gathers into it, it grows longer and larger. Slowly, it becomes a great river, a mighty river, and finally flows into the sea. People are the same; this is also its process of growth. The sea is its destination. If a small river stops flowing, what will it become? A pond, a stinking ditch. Once a small river stops flowing, it loses the meaning of its existence and dies. People are the same. They must go through birth, growth, and death for life to be complete. As for those who can live forever without dying, we do not know. But for ordinary people like us, birth, aging, illness, and death are necessities of life, notes in life's song."

Zhang Xiaohua asked strangely, "Why can't we live forever without dying?"

Liu Qian said, "Because we do not know how to live forever without dying."

Then she continued, "Like Grandmother. She is over eighty and has weathered so much wind and rain. From babbling as a child, to growing into adulthood, to meeting your grandfather and forming a family, then having your mother, painstakingly raising your mother to adulthood, seeing your mother marry your father and live together with him, and then watching the old companion she had lived with all her life suddenly pass away. Now she has watched you grandchildren be born and grow up. Her life is already very complete, without too many regrets. You should be happy for Grandmother's complete life. How many people can have a life of more than eighty years?"

Zhang Xiaohua looked up and asked, "Then what should I do?"

Liu Qian stroked Xiaohua's head and said, "What you need to do now is sort out your feelings and keep Grandmother company properly. Let her always see the grandchildren she loves during this final stretch of time, leave behind no unhappiness, and depart in peace."

Only then did the gloom in Zhang Xiaohua's heart begin to disperse. A trace of a smile blossomed on his somewhat happier little face as he said, "Sister Liu, you know so much. You explained it so I could understand too. If I said these things to Mother, she would definitely hit me and say I was not thinking on the bright side."

Liu Qian said, "Everyone has their own way of expressing their thoughts. Your mother treated you that way because she was also telling you in her own way not to overthink things. I merely told you in a different way. If you can understand my way, then whenever something happens in the future, feel free to come talk to me."

Zhang Xiaohua said mischievously, "Of course. In the future, I'll definitely have plenty to talk over with Sister."

Liu Qian said, "You naughty little imp. Hurry and fetch water. The sun is already high in the sky. In a while, your mother will scold you again."

Zhang Xiaohua stuck out his tongue and said, "Then let's hurry. But if I came out with Sister, Mother definitely won't blame me for returning late."

Though he said that, Zhang Xiaohua still hurried off to fetch water, because Grandmother seemed to like drinking this mountain spring water too.

Over the following days, Grandmother's condition grew worse and worse. She even coughed up streaks of blood. Just as Zhang Xiaohua had said, Grandmother did not have an ordinary illness. Guo Sufi truly became anxious now. She had no time to blame Old Chen the veterinarian, nor did she have time to care for her several injured family members. She quickly found a donkey cart and wanted to take Grandmother to town for treatment. Zhang Xiaohua desperately wanted to go along, but Mother still made him stay home. Zhang Cai, the head of the Zhang family, had to go. Although his leg injury had not fully healed, he could take the opportunity to have a doctor examine it as well. The donkey cart had limited space, so the grandson Grandmother loved most could only be left behind at home.

The donkey cart carrying the group set out in the morning. Zhang Xiaohua helped Liu Qian care for his two injured older brothers and lent a hand with the housework, but his thoughts remained fixed on Grandmother, and he kept stealing glances outside. Although Liu Qian dearly wished to tell him that Grandmother would not return until dark, seeing the absent-minded looks and anxious expressions of Zhang Xiaohua, Zhang Xiaolong, and Zhang Xiaohu, the three brothers, she held back. She merely went about the household chores thoughtfully and did not offer a single word of comfort.

Time passed little by little, and the sky gradually darkened. At last, the belated donkey cart came into Zhang Xiaohua's sight. He immediately sprang from his chair and rushed out of the house without even calling to his brothers. In his haste, his foot caught on a small stool by the door, and he nearly fell with a stumble. He paid no heed to the stool he had kicked aside and ran out.

By the time he dashed through the little fence gate, the donkey cart had drawn near. The driver jumped down from the cart, led the little donkey forward a few more steps by its reins until it reached Zhang Xiaohua, then pulled the reins tight and stopped the cart before the Zhang family courtyard.

Three people in thick clothes sat in the back of the cart, their faces impossible to make out in the dusk. Before the donkey cart had even come to a steady stop, Zhang Xiaohua heard one of them cough heavily. Heart aching, he walked to the cart and obediently called, "Grandmother~" Unfortunately, Grandmother was coughing with difficulty and could not answer her grandson's greeting.

Guo Sufi got down first and called to Zhang Xiaohu, who had rushed over by then, to help Zhang Cai down first. Only then did she, Liu Qian, and Zhang Xiaohua carefully help Grandmother down after her coughing fit had ended.

Zhang Cai paid the driver, and the donkey cart went straight away, leaving the Zhang family standing in the dusk.

Liu Qian and Zhang Xiaohua supported Grandmother as she coughed all the way toward her little room. Listening to those coughs, Zhang Xiaohua felt as though his heart were breaking. But halfway there, Grandmother said with difficulty, "Go to the main room first. Let me stay with you all a little longer."

The two obeyed and helped Grandmother into the main room.

Guo Sufi followed in, distraught and absent-minded. Then came Zhang Xiaohu, supporting Zhang Cai, who was still limping and had a gloomy expression on his face. The last to enter was Zhang Xiaolong, whose arm was still suspended against his chest.

The main room was not large to begin with. With everyone inside, sitting there without speaking, even the air in the room seemed frozen.

At that moment, Grandmother began coughing again. Liu Qian hurried over and poured her a cup of warm water. Only after she drank it did the coughing gradually stop.

Liu Qian wanted to say something to break the silence, yet she did not know how to begin.

Finally, Grandmother spoke. "The town doctor really isn't ordinarily expensive. Sufi, next time we shouldn't go. One visit costs a tenth of a tael of silver. How long would our whole family have to work to earn that?"

Guo Sufi forced a smile and said, "Mother, listen to yourself. If you are sick, you must see a doctor. Even if the family is poor, we cannot delay treatment for this illness."

Grandmother said again, "I know my own illness well. It is not something a doctor can cure. I said we should not go, but you insisted on wasting that tenth of a tael of silver."

Guo Sufi's eyes reddened as she said, "Mother, don't worry about us. Zhang Cai needed to see a doctor too. You merely went along the way."

Grandmother sighed and said nothing more. After drinking a little more water, her coughing seemed to ease. Only then did she let Xiaohua help her back to her room to rest.

Zhang Xiaohua escorted Grandmother to the heated brick bed and covered her with a quilt. She seemed tired and soon fell asleep. Only then did Zhang Xiaohua tiptoe out of the little room.

When he returned to the main room, Mother was quietly sobbing and constantly wiping away tears. Father wore a dark expression as he smoked his dry tobacco in silence. His eldest and second elder brothers, as well as Liu Qian, did not look well either.

Zhang Xiaohua knew Grandmother's condition was poor, and it did not come as a surprise to him. He had no mind to ask about the details of her illness. He merely found a little stool and sat silently in the shadows by the wall.

After a long while, Guo Sufi regained a little calm and stopped sobbing. It was as though only then did she notice Xiaohua had returned. She asked softly, "Xiaohua, is your Grandmother asleep?"

Zhang Xiaohua nodded. "Yes, Mother. Grandmother is probably tired. She fell asleep not long after lying down on the heated brick bed."

Guo Sufi turned and asked Zhang Cai, "The children's father, what do you think we should do? Should we go to a bigger city and find a better doctor?"

Zhang Cai took a deep drag of smoke, exhaled, narrowed his eyes, and said, "Sigh, didn't you hear what the doctor said? Mother's illness is not an ordinary cough. She is coughing because she is old and her body can no longer hold up. There is no way to cure it. Besides, with Mother's body in this condition, can she travel to a bigger city? I heard that Pingyang City, the closest city to us, takes a full day and night even if a fast horse runs without stopping. Mother probably could not endure it."

Guo Sufi grew sad again, her voice carrying a sob. "Then we just watch Mother's body collapse bit by bit? Listen to her cough so badly every day?"

Zhang Cai gave a bitter smile and said, "There is nothing to be done. Didn't the doctor say so too? He rarely sees people as old as Mother, and for someone over eighty, Mother's health is already considered good. I think we should listen to the doctor. Let Mother recuperate properly, rest well, eat well, and spend this time as she wishes."

Guo Sufi had no other way. She knew Mother had reached the end of her life, but she still clung to a sliver of hope. When a long illness drags on, one grasps at any doctor in desperation, trying to seize hold of something. Yet before this cruel reality, how much value could a person's tiny hope have?

Guo Sufi stared helplessly at the wavering flame of the oil lamp, seemingly deep in thought. Suddenly, she asked Zhang Cai, "Oh, right, the children's father, what was that thing the doctor said Mother had eaten? How did I not know about it?"

Hearing this, Zhang Cai also raised his head and looked at Guo Sufi in confusion.

Everyone asked in unison, "What thing?"

Zhang Cai knocked out his dry tobacco and said, "At the Medical Hall, when the doctor first examined her, he said your Grandmother was already at the end of her oil, her lamp run dry, with nothing much left to diagnose. He said the coughing was only an outward symptom, while inside her body everything had already become a complete mess. But later, after your mother begged him bitterly, he examined her carefully. Only then did he discover that although your Grandmother's body had deteriorated to the extreme, a thread of vital essence within her was nourishing it. But that vital essence was too little to sustain her life. The doctor said she must have recently eaten something good, like ginseng?"

Everyone froze. Ginseng? How could the family have the money to buy something like that?