Bro, you smell so good

"I'll treat you to barbecue tomorrow." ("Call me Daddy three times.")

They spoke in unison, both narrowing their eyes as though to say, You little punk.

"That barbecue outside the school gives you the runs every other time. It's more of a gamble than a mystery box!" Jiang Nian fumed. "You scheming witch! Don't you know regicide is punishable by death?"

"Like you're any better!" Xu Qianqian curled her lip. "I'm telling my dad! You're taking advantage of me."

"What the fuck?"

After trading insults for a while, Jiang Nian finally got down to business.

It was almost midnight, and he had to get up early for school tomorrow. There was even a little English quiz. He wouldn't survive without enough sleep, so the sooner he caught the mouse, the sooner he could go home to bed.

Jiang Nian made a circuit of the living room but found no sign of a mouse.

"Are you sure there's a Jerry?"

"Why would I lie? Do you think I have nothing better to do?" Xu Qianqian gritted her teeth, then suddenly thought of something. "Maybe it's scared to come out because the lights are on?"

"So we need to turn them off?" Jiang Nian suddenly adopted a coy, sleazy manner. "Actually, I prefer keeping the lights on. You can see more clearly."

Xu Qianqian clenched her fists. Who asked about your kinks?

Jiang Nian found several glue traps and set them along the wall by the sofa and refrigerator. He placed another outside Xu Qianqian's bedroom door, then took a rubber flyswatter in hand.

Click. All the lights went out.

Their vision went black, and it took a few seconds for their eyes to adjust. The living room was pitch-dark. They stood some distance apart, barely able to make out each other's faces.

In the darkness, Jiang Nian seemed to see Xu Qianqian turn her head away, avoiding his gaze.

Suddenly, squeaking broke the silence.

"It's here!" Xu Qianqian said.

"Mm." Jiang Nian gestured for her to stay put, then crept toward the sound, gripping his rubber flyswatter tightly.

The mouse seemed to sense danger. After a moment of silence, it suddenly shot out from beside the sofa.

Xu Qianqian shrieked. Jiang Nian reacted instantly, unleashing a Lightning Five-Strike Whip at the dark blur with a sharp smack. Master Ma's teachings found their fullest expression in that moment.

Though Emperor Jerry was lightning-fast, he still took a hit. He wheeled around and fled toward the corner, racing along the wall like a bolt of lightning.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!!!

The speeding shadow abruptly stopped, like a female investigator trapped in an otaku's mire. He struggled desperately and screamed, watching the human approach.

Sumimasen, Mama-chan. Tonight, I'm sailing far away.

"Did you catch it?" Xu Qianqian swallowed.

"Turn on the lights."

Click. Light flooded the room.

There, on a glue trap in front of Jiang Nian, lay Emperor Jerry in all his glory. Huge and humiliated, he had been subdued within that tiny square.

Another glue trap had been knocked askew and lay off to one side.

"You know, this mouse..." Jiang Nian crouched to inspect him, his expression grave.

"What about it?" Xu Qianqian immediately grew nervous. She walked over and couldn't help asking, "Did it confess where its accomplices are?"

"No, I mean it's got quite a handsome face."

"Go die!"

"Tsk, tsk. The little mouse is so cute. How could you..." Jiang Nian turned his head and caught sight of her shapely calves beneath her white nightdress.

Her pink toes peeked out of her slippers, smooth and neatly aligned, small and adorable. A faint scent of milk and body wash drifted around his nose.

"What is it?" Thinking he had found signs of another mouse, Xu Qianqian grew terribly nervous.

"Nothing. I just realized something."

"What?"

"Bro, you smell so good."

"You can go die too, pervert!" Xu Qianqian blushed and knocked him onto the floor with one push of her leg. Perhaps because she was so embarrassed, she had meant to tell him to get lost.

Instead, with involuntary tears glistening in her eyes, Xu Qianqian blurted out:

"Ribbit!"

The room fell utterly silent. Then neither could hold it in, and they burst out laughing for ages.

"You're not allowed to laugh!"

"Hahaha, then you-haha-stop laughing first! Hahaha!" Jiang Nian sat on the floor laughing. Xu Qianqian tried to look stern but couldn't manage it, so she could only turn away.

"Jiang Nian, you're so annoying!"

"Hahaha, holy shit." Jiang Nian laughed until his stomach hurt. Folding the glue trap shut, he said, "Getting to hear a frog croak this late at night? Now that's entertainment."

"You..."

"What, you're not telling me to ribbit anymore?" Grinning shamelessly, Jiang Nian carried Emperor Jerry's imperial coffin toward the door. "Come on, give me another ribbit, and I'll get lost."

Xu Qianqian's whole face turned red. She wanted nothing more than to punch him twice. Even after Jiang Nian left, her blush lingered. She locked the door and returned to her room without a word.

She unleashed a flurry of punches on the plush toy on her bed, denting its smiling face.

The plush toy: "Fuck you. I should've stayed and rotted in the factory!"

Thanks, Mama-chan. May lightning strike you dead. You dumped your entire skill combo on me. Watashi feels like I'm about to die!

The next day.

Jiang Nian went to school alone, yawning. He didn't ask Xu Qianqian if she wanted to walk with him. The matter of her standing him up yesterday was simply left unresolved.

If she wasn't going to explain, so be it.

One thing was one thing, and another was another. He certainly wouldn't be going to Olympiad Class 304 to wait for Xu Qianqian after evening study today.

Ring, ring, ring.

The first morning class was Chinese, and Jiang Nian grew drowsy listening to it. He propped his head on one hand and pretended to look down at his textbook, holding a pen in his right hand to ward off suspicions that he was asleep.

The forty-five-minute class passed in smooth little bouts of sleep, two or three minutes at a time.

Whenever Old Liu, their homeroom teacher, said, "Turn to page such-and-such," Jiang Nian would wake instantly and turn the pages along with everyone else. Once he found the page, he went right back to sleep.

As soon as the first class ended, the entire class wilted, dropping onto their desks and falling asleep in seconds.

Li Hua glanced at his deskmate, Jiang Nian. "Damn, bro, you just slept through a whole class. How are you still this tired? What were you doing last night?"

"Don't ask. Suppressing an ominous presence." Jiang Nian lay on his desk, his voice muffled. "I'm dead tired. Don't bother me. If I fall asleep next period, I'm definitely getting caught."

Those ten minutes felt like several hours.

When the bell rang, Jiang Nian slowly sat up. Propping his chin on his hand, he opened his eyes a mere crack and saw Zhang Ningzhi turn around in the seat ahead of him.

"Do you want some milk?"

"Hm?" Jiang Nian perked up instantly.

"I bought it yesterday, but I can't find the straw," Zhang Ningzhi said softly, her eyelashes fluttering. "I heard milk helps you stay awake. I can't open it anyway... do you want it?"

"Sure." Jiang Nian gave a lazy smile.

Baby Ningzhi is way too kind. Milk tastes sweeter when it's free.

"Oh, okay." Zhang Ningzhi rummaged inside her desk for a carton of milk, then carefully placed it on his desk. Her face reddened. "But there's no straw."

"A straw's no problem. I can just bite a little hole in it," Jiang Nian said.

Li Hua pretended he hadn't seen a thing, silently weeping inside. Jiang Nian, you motherfucker. You secretly saved the world or something, didn't you?

Thanks to I Am the Streetlamp, Jiang Hengyu, If I Had a Girlfriend, Black Flower's Cat, a1aa111111, South Cliff Collection Reader 4606, Reader 1978, and Reader 4534 for their two monthly votes each. Thanks to cssddggr, Dc Chong'er, Chuochuo0307, and Reader 8883 for their one monthly vote each.

Good kidneys, strong back, old

(End of chapter)