Two Idiots

Song Su kept peeking out the door. After what felt like an endless wait, they finally came back. The moment she saw Xia Qinghe behind Lin Fengmian, she knew the blind date had failed, but she still refused to give up and asked, "How did it go?"

Xia Qinghe started ranting before Lin Fengmian could speak. "Auntie Song, could you stop shoving every piece of trash at Lin Fengmian? That girl brought nine girlfriends. They didn't even wait for our Mianmian before ordering and eating, leaving a heap of cold leftovers to welcome him. I grew up cherishing my childhood friend. How could I let them bully him like that?"

Song Su: "..." Nine girlfriends. What was he planning, counting them so carefully?

"Besides, if they'd been paying for themselves, fine, let them eat. At worst, I'd have ordered fresh dishes for our Mianmian. But things got unpleasant afterward, and I thought they'd have enough backbone to pay for their meal. Instead, they wanted to dine and dash. I wasn't about to indulge them."

By this point, Song Su's face had gone blank. She already knew what had happened next. "Don't tell me you took them to the police station."

Xia Qinghe gave Song Su a thumbs-up. "That's my Auntie Song. You really know me. Do you know how much they ate? Over a million. After some bargaining, they paid over seven hundred thousand to cover the ingredients."

Song Su was completely numb. Hadn't Jian Yi said the girl was refined, delicate-looking, and good-tempered? This didn't sound like someone with a good temper.

Would someone good-tempered fleece her blind date like that?!

"Auntie Song, I'm staying for dinner." After letting Song Su know, Xia Qinghe pushed Lin Fengmian toward the stairs. "Come on, come on, upstairs. It's been ages since we played a game together. I'm going to unwind properly today."

"Why do I get the feeling you're especially happy today?" Lin Fengmian studied Xia Qinghe's face for a long while. He wasn't mistaken. Xia Qinghe really was excited.

It was a little like the excitement of drinking CHAGEE and being unable to sleep all night. His eyes were several shades brighter than usual.

"Am I?" Xia Qinghe touched his face and gave it some careful thought. "I am a little happy."

Lin Fengmian's mouth twitched. "Building your happiness on my suffering. What a great buddy you are."

"No way." The corners of Xia Qinghe's mouth were practically reaching the sky, and he made no effort to hide it. "How did you suffer? I barely got to eat, while you stuffed yourself. And weren't you sleeping at the police station? Wasn't I the one out front, dealing with those people for you?"

"You're heartless, saying I'm building my happiness on your suffering. You didn't suffer at all."

Lin Fengmian: "..." You've got more words, so you're right.

He flopped sideways onto the sofa and tossed Xia Qinghe a controller. "Boot it up first. I'm going to shower."

With that, he stripped off his clothes right in front of Xia Qinghe. When he took off his vest, he let out a heavy breath of relief. Xia Qinghe also saw the marks around his waist.

"Why did you cinch it so tight? It's left red marks."

"I want to be human."

Lin Fengmian pulled off his trousers and went into the bathroom in his underwear.

He had just wet his hair and worked in some shampoo when a warm body squeezed in. "Move over a little. I'm washing up too."

Lin Fengmian shifted aside, sharing half the stream of water with Xia Qinghe.

Xia Qinghe squeezed out a glob of body wash and smeared it around his body. Lin Fengmian had already finished washing his hair.

His bangs fell over his forehead, making his face look even smaller.

Xia Qinghe stared at his face for a while. "I've realized you haven't really grown all these years." So fresh-faced.

Lin Fengmian thrust his hips forward. "Bullshit. My face hasn't grown, but..."

Xia Qinghe followed the movement with his eyes and let out a loud whistle.

Before he could even work out the connection between the two, he caught Lin Fengmian driving a knee straight at his crotch out of the corner of his eye.

Xia Qinghe twisted his hips and dodged. "Missed me. Hey, missed me."

The two wrestled in the bathroom until Lin Fengmian suddenly stepped in the spilled body wash. His foot slid, and he started falling toward the floor.

Xia Qinghe reacted quickly and reached for him, forgetting that the bathroom was covered in suds and water. The slightest carelessness could make him lose his footing.

Fortunately, he caught Lin Fengmian. Seeing that Lin Fengmian was about to hit the floor, Xia Qinghe sharply twisted his body and put himself underneath him, slamming heavily onto the tiles.

The fall left him seeing stars, and something slapped him.

"Fuck, are you okay?" Lin Fengmian scrambled up to check on Xia Qinghe beneath him.

Xia Qinghe held his head in both hands, looking as though he was in terrible pain.

Alarmed, Lin Fengmian got up and ran out, stepping on him in the process. "Mom! Mom! Call a doctor!"

Xia Qinghe: "..." Tsk, took that too far.

Xia Qinghe sat up and looked down. Just now, was that...

Fuck.

He was defiled.

Xia Qinghe sprang up from the floor and chased after Lin Fengmian. "Lin Fengmian, you're dead!"

Lin Fengmian was still wrapping a bath towel around himself by the bedroom door. At those words, he turned and started fighting Xia Qinghe again. "You tricked me again, huh?"

By the time Song Su came knocking, they were twisted together like a pretzel. One was pulling the other's ear, and the other was pulling his...

"Lin Fengmian, let go." Xia Qinghe's face flushed red. Damn it, next time he was going for the crotch too. That would give him the upper hand.

Lin Fengmian scoffed. "You first." Bastard, don't think I don't know you're fooling me.

"Auntie Song's calling us to dinner." Xia Qinghe tried a more roundabout excuse.

Lin Fengmian remained unmoved and tightened his grip, only to burst out laughing. "You motherfucker."

Xia Qinghe laughed too. "Fuck, you'd do the same."

"I would not."

"Really? You, to yourself..."

"Shut up. I said I wouldn't, so I wouldn't."

"No way. Don't tell me you can't get it up."

Lin Fengmian let go and pulled Xia Qinghe's hand over. "Here, do it yourself. Prove it to me."

Xia Qinghe: "...This kind of exercise isn't suited to an audience."

"Hmph. If you can't handle it, just say so. 'Not suited to an audience,' my ass. You'd love people watching. It'd make you even more excited."

Xia Qinghe sounded aggrieved. "...I'm not that much of a pervert. I really don't have that kink."

"Like hell I believe you."

Lin Fengmian unwound his legs from around Xia Qinghe. "I'm done playing. I'm hungry."

Xia Qinghe stared at Lin Fengmian's long, slender legs and clicked his tongue. Sitting up cross-legged, he watched Lin Fengmian pull on his underwear and then his loungewear right in front of him.

That slender but firm body disappeared from sight, covered completely by the loungewear.

Seeing that he hadn't moved, Lin Fengmian kicked him. "I know you're big. Stop letting it hang out and get dressed."

Xia Qinghe was finally satisfied. "You should've just admitted it earlier."

He got up, opened Lin Fengmian's wardrobe, and started choosing clothes. "Why are all the clothes in your wardrobe from last year? I'll have someone send you some another day."

Lin Fengmian sat on the rug, assembling a set of building blocks. "Then you'll have to get someone to clear these out first."

After this blind date, Song Su stopped making arrangements too, because she came across a complaint video online that concealed the facts. It made veiled accusations and pushed all the blame onto the man. The spectators who didn't know the truth all sided with the person who posted it, speaking up for her and making the man out to be utterly worthless.

Song Su was so angry she could barely eat for days, and any mention of blind dates gave her a migraine.

A few days later, a certain short-video platform began an online cleanup with the strictest reviews in its history. Many videos that previously could stir up antagonism and conflict were now subject to rigorous checks and reviews.

Many videos hoping to gain followers this way were taken down and had to be revised before they could be posted again.