"Yes. Please listen to the following menu options and make your selection in standard English."
Copper Face cleared its throat and began speaking at breakneck speed:
"If you're here to mock my hairstyle, say shampoo;"
"If you're here to take the position of Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, say ten points from Gryffindor. A friendly reminder: I accept no responsibility if Professor McGonagall hunts you down;"
"If you're here to ask for the hot pot base recipe, say extra spicy;"
"If you have legitimate business..."
Copper Face paused, revealing a meaningful metallic smile.
"...please leave a message after the beep. Please note that messages are limited to sixty seconds. If you exceed that limit, your voice will automatically be used to generate a Weird Sisters rap, which will be played in the Great Hall."
"Beeep!"
A shrill whistle echoed through the corridor.
Snape stood there as though he had been hit by Petrificus Totalus.
His chest heaved violently, and fury burned in his black eyes.
A Weird Sisters rap?
That damned bastard without a shred of wizarding dignity!
He had actually recreated Muggle telephone answering technology with magic?
And used it specifically to disgust him?
The Dark Lord was utterly useless. Why hadn't he strangled this fellow when he came back to life?
Snape drew a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down.
Reason.
He had to stay reasonable.
He was a double agent who could withstand even Voldemort's Legilimency. Surely he could handle a door?
He glanced around, making sure there was no Peeves in the corridor and no portraits peeking at him.
Snape stepped closer and spoke to the copper face in an icy voice:
"Listen, Holmes."
"I don't care what game you're playing or which rat hole you're hiding in."
"When you receive this message,