Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Christmas Eve, December 24, 1993, was a Saturday. That evening, I met a few friends for dinner. After taking them home one by one, Zhang Xiaotong and I took a taxi to the newly completed Telecommunications Building. It had only been finished in October. We had originally planned to rent a floor and turn it into an entertainment center, but later decided we might as well wait until things on our end were more or less ready and use our own building instead. Besides, we weren't very confident about running an entertainment center yet. Having Yang Yuanzhe and the others do it in a few years would be a good idea.

Beside the Telecommunications Building stood an equally new Christian church. Zhang Xiaotong and I followed the stream of people inside. After 1998, I had made a habit of going to church alone every Christmas. It wasn't until a few years later, when I found myself in the factory-packed outskirts of Shenzhen, that I understood I no longer belonged in places supposedly meant to cleanse the soul.

For me, going to church was rather like eating at KFC. Though my life changed every year as I rushed from one city to another, returning periodically to the same sort of place helped me maintain the habit of looking back on my own state of mind. So, although I wasn't a Christian, I still came to church on Christmas Eve to reflect on everything I had done over the year.

To many people, this was a strange habit.

The church was crowded. Since Zhang Xiaotong and I weren't tall enough, we had to go upstairs. Once we had found a firm place to stand at the front, I looked at the simple stable set up on the pastor's platform downstairs and said to her with a smile, "You've read the Bible, right? The Old Testament and the New Testament."

"I have."

I looked down toward the platform. A plainly dressed nun was asking the congregation how old Jesus had lived to be.

"You know, right?"

"Yes. Thirty-three."

I remembered what some book had said about Jesus: a carpenter like this, a man whose preaching never reached beyond his own homeland and lasted no more than three years, had created the greatest religious miracle in the world. If a religion appeared in this day and age, it probably wouldn't find it easy to reach such heights. As some Christian clergymen had said, modern people had lost the ability to bear witness to the interdependence of their lives and their faith. Faith needed life to bear witness to it. Chinese people lacked faith simply because they were too practical and had few opportunities to bear witness to faith. Looking back over the various religions China had believed in for thousands of years, they were nothing more than different embodiments of self-interest.

I said quietly to Zhang Xiaotong, "He was a great man. He'd always rank among the top three in the world."

Zhang Xiaotong smiled and asked, "What suddenly made you think of coming to church?"

The nun downstairs had already left the platform, replaced by an imposing priest. Seeing that he hadn't even brought a Bible, I knew he was a good speaker. I told Zhang Xiaotong, "It's a holiday foreigners brought here in the first place. Of course we should celebrate it in church."

"Just for that?"

"Of course not." I kept looking ahead rather than at Zhang Xiaotong. "Wait until the man downstairs finishes."

Zhang Xiaotong knew my habit of keeping the answer hidden until the very end. She said nothing more and quietly watched the pastor's sermon with me.

The familiar scene left me a little wistful. Time really did slip away without you noticing. Just like that, 1993 was almost over, yet it felt as if only yesterday I had opened my eyes in 1986 and seen Zhang Xiaotong again... But something puzzled me. Wasn't this girl supposed to grow uglier as she got older? Why was she getting prettier instead?

Perhaps the only explanation was that she was very happy now, unlike before, when she had worn a worried face every day. Or there was another explanation: this time and space had already become a so-called parallel world. This Zhang Xiaotong merely had the identity of my older cousin, while developing in a different direction.

Downstairs, the priest was discussing the integration of reality and faith, a fairly old topic. I listened distractedly, thinking about all sorts of things from my past with Zhang Xiaotong, when I suddenly felt someone take my hand.

Surprised, I turned to look at Zhang Xiaotong and saw her slightly flushed little face. Just then, she looked very much like a carefully made-up doll. Her cuteness stirred a faint ripple in my heart, and I involuntarily closed my hand around hers and gave her a small smile.

Before long, her palm grew a little sweaty in my grip. Seeing that the priest was almost finished, I quietly led her downstairs.

Someone downstairs was handing out communion wafers. I took two and passed one to Zhang Xiaotong. "Exodus might not be true, but these really don't taste bad."

Zhang Xiaotong took a bite and frowned. "A little hard."

I smiled. "If they were soft, they'd be marshmallows."

We left the church with the MANA wafers between our teeth. The city's infrastructure was still below standard then, and there weren't many streetlights. Even the square outside the municipal government building was only sparsely lit. I said to Zhang Xiaotong, "How much do you think we'd make if we landed all this city's construction projects?"

Just as she was about to answer, I smiled at her again. "I'm kidding. No work talk today. We're out to have fun."

I reached out and handed her a small box. "Merry Christmas. And while I'm at it, happy birthday."

Zhang Xiaotong hadn't expected me to remember her birthday. I hadn't done anything at all in previous years, and this sudden gesture left the girl so surprised and delighted that she didn't know what to do. Her eyes misted over at once as she looked at me. I understood what she was thinking. We had weathered everything together these past few years, but whenever it came to a crucial moment, I always kept my thoughts deeply hidden, as though I considered her an outsider. Giving her a present on a night that was both her birthday and Christmas Eve was, in itself, a sign that she had a place in my heart. Of course she was happy.

The beautiful girl stood beneath the streetlight, struggling for a long time before she managed to hold back her tears. Smiling with a trace of tears in her eyes, she asked, "What... what is it?"

I shrugged and reached out to wipe the tears from the corners of her eyes. "Silly girl. Open it and see."

Zhang Xiaotong slapped my hand away, wiped her own tears, and slowly opened the wrapping. There was another box inside.

She opened that too. Inside lay a pair of silver-and-crystal earrings, glittering beneath the streetlight.

I said to Zhang Xiaotong, "Here, let me put them on for you."

She carefully bent down and let me put one earring in her left ear.

"That looks lovely already," I said. "Wearing one looks better than wearing both."

"Really?" Still a little unused to it, Zhang Xiaotong turned her head from side to side. "You like me wearing earrings?"

"I think you look especially beautiful with earrings," I said sincerely. "If you don't believe me, we can stop someone right now and ask. They'll definitely say the same. Here's a suggestion: braid a little pigtail by your left temple. Then you'll have something on both sides, but it won't be symmetrical. It'll definitely look good."

Zhang Xiaotong really was something. Right in front of me, she tied the little braid in a few quick movements, making her face look even prettier and cuter. My eyes practically popped out as I watched.

"Xiaotong, you really are beautiful."

I couldn't keep my mouth shut; the words came out naturally. I was still too used to complimenting girls from before-a conditioned reflex, so to speak. At my words, delight flashed in Zhang Xiaotong's eyes. She lowered her head and hugged me. "Thank you, Xingwen."

Though we were always spending time close together, this hug felt a little different.

Held in Zhang Xiaotong's arms, my very first thought was actually, Christmas Eve really is the legendary fucking deflowering night. A day like this really does make it easy to get a girl into bed.

-It seemed I was still quite a lecher. Even after playing innocent for a few years, my nature hadn't changed.

After hugging me for a while, Zhang Xiaotong only slowly let go when I joked, "Be good, people will make a fuss if they see us," and, "Let's not end up in the newspaper." I watched her with a grin. "Do you like it?"

"Of course I do."

"Hey... that's not quite the right answer," I cried theatrically. "I think you ought to say something like, 'Obviously,' and then give me a pinch. That would be the Miss Zhang Xiaotong I know..."

You really shouldn't say things carelessly. The consequence of my smart mouth was that I really did get pinched.

Moving from the light into the darkness, I led Zhang Xiaotong over to sit on the edge of a flower bed outside the church. "Xiaotong, didn't you get me a Christmas present?"

She shook her head, then nodded.

I understood, but gave nothing away. "What is it?"

Zhang Xiaotong thought for a moment, then looked at me slyly. "You're too clever. It's no fun."

"You can tell even when I play dumb." Holding her hand, I said, "It's Christmas. Just a formality, really. I should thank my aunt for having such a gentle, shy, beautiful, and virtuous daughter. Without you keeping me company, how lonely would these past few years have been?"

Remembering how our lives and relationship had changed over the past few years, Zhang Xiaotong looked a little lost in thought. "Hasn't it been the same for me?"

I patted her head like a grown-up. "Everything will get better. Trust me."

She stuck her tongue out at me. "Such a little grown-up."

Before her words had quite faded, a kiss landed on my cheek. The touch of lips against my face was still very familiar, and Zhang Xiaotong's kiss seemed to have been expected. Even so, I was a little stunned. I touched my cheek, looked at her, and muttered to myself, "So this is where we are."

Zhang Xiaotong had turned her head away shyly and hadn't caught what I said. I slipped an arm around her slender waist and said in what I considered my gentlest voice, "Thank you, Xiaotong."

Hearing my sincerity, she slowly turned back. Even in the darkness, I could see the deep blush across her face. This was a girl's privilege, and her pride.

How many people could a girl meet in her lifetime who made her feel both happy and shy?

To Zhang Xiaotong, I probably counted as a pleasant surprise that had lasted several years, while to me, she was a source of unconditional support. I didn't know whether it was right to use my practically cheating advantage to gain her trust, and even her affection. But I understood that we all used whatever advantages we had, rather than waiting quietly.

There was no denying that, because of our excessively frequent and intimate contact, along with certain changes in her that could never have happened before, Zhang Xiaotong truly had what it took to attract me. But I knew there were no sure things in this world. Ninety-nine percent of first loves ended in breakups, and most people changed several times after making their vows. I knew very well that I hadn't escaped that circle either, so I took things very slowly, hoping only to give us both a buffer. In the future, when we were more rational, more mature, and better able to rely on ourselves, everything would be easier to discuss.

Our current intimacy was already as far as I could go.

Holding Zhang Xiaotong, I said softly, "Time, time. We have so much time, and we need so much time too."

Nestled against me, she nodded gently.

And so Christmas 1993 passed, with a light kiss from my lovely older cousin and two MANA wafers.

When I got home that night, I saw my parents tidying things up. The living room was a complete mess.

I understood at once. They had gotten physical again.

Seeing me return, Dad barked irritably, "Where have you been?"

I didn't even lift my eyelids. "To church with Xiaotong to see what was going on."

"All you ever do is play! You'll never amount to anything!"

I knew he was continuing to vent the day's anger on me. I scratched my head. "All right, I get it. I'll come first in the year on the finals."

I had come first for several years running. Once I said that, he knew his accusation had been wrong, but he didn't admit it. "You're not allowed home this late again!"

"Fine. I'm going to bed."

Mom looked at me as though she wanted to say something, but didn't.

At my bedroom door, I turned back and said, "At your age, it'd be better to keep your tempers down."

Then I went into my room and ignored them both. This sort of thing had become more frequent over the past six months, and I was used to it. Perhaps feelings were the one thing in this world that couldn't be forced. Never mind them-even I didn't know what to do. How could it be resolved?

Back in my room, I sat on the bed without turning on the light, savoring Zhang Xiaotong's kiss. In terms of mental maturity, I was certainly far ahead of her, but a kiss with that fresh, girlish quality still set my imagination wandering a little. I thought about Zhang Xiaotong, about what step to take next, and about whether I really had the ability to resolve my parents' relationship. I thought until my head was swimming, then fell back and went to sleep.