The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy! Soldier Boy: I'm Just an Old Relic Who Doesn't Understand Phones!
Los Angeles, CBS Television City.
The studio for " The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy " was packed.
The host Jimmy, stood in the center of the stage, straightened his tie, and wore a friendly smile.
But beneath that smile, even he himself was unaware of the tension that came with it, like that of a pilgrim.
Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, we have a true legend!
Jimmy's voice carried throughout the studio through the Mike, and the murmurs from the audience subsided.
"He was a hero of World War II, the soul of the Payback! We thought he lived in history books, but just a few days ago, he showed the world through his actions..."
He's back!
"Let's give a warm round of applause to welcome— the Soldier Boy!"
The band played a rousing march.
That was Soldier Boy's theme song, and its modern adaptation made it even more impactful.
The side door of the studio opened.
The Soldier Boy came out.
There was no dark green combat suit, no iconic shield.
He wore a well-tailored dark brown bomber jacket over a simple white T-shirt, paired with dark jeans and gleaming military boots.
His outfit made him look less like a living fossil from historical archives and more like a sprightly, tough neighbor who had just finished a weekend vacation, still carrying the scent of California sunshine.
He waved to the cheering audience with a slightly shy smile on his face.
That smile was completely different from his ruthless demeanor on the battlefield.
This is the image designed for him by Hans Landa.
An old-fashioned hero from history feels both curious and somewhat lost in this dazzling new world.
"Oh my God, welcome, Soldier Boy!"
Jimmy stepped forward and shook hands with him warmly.
The Soldier Boy's hands were very strong.
Just call me Benjamin, Jimmy.
The two sat down on the sofa.
" Benjamin, honestly, seeing you sitting here feels like a dream," Jimmy began the pre-arranged process. "We all thought... you know."
The Soldier Boy let out a hearty laugh.
"Yes, I also thought I should be in one of Arlington's cemeteries, enjoying the flowers laid by students every year."
A burst of good-natured laughter came from the audience.
"Seriously, can you tell us? Where have you been all these years?"
The Soldier Boy leaned forward slightly, his smile fading and replaced with a more serious, yet weathered expression.
"The war... it never really ended, Jimmy."
"Some enemies won't sign a surrender document. They'll simply hide in the Shadow, waiting for the next opportunity to strike."
"I just... went to hunt down those poisonous snakes."
These words were spoken casually.
But everyone in the studio understood.
Previous news about VNNs had already laid the groundwork for this concept.
"So, all these years, you've been fighting alone?"
Jimmy's voice was full of admiration.
"I wasn't entirely alone; Human Torch was with me too."
The Soldier Boy leaned back on the sofa and shrugged.
" Vought has given us a lot of support. Intelligence, equipment, and... this."
He pulled a brand-new Vought phone out of his pocket and operated it somewhat clumsily.
"I still don't understand why it takes so many presses to send a message. Back in the day, with telegraph machines, it was simple: beep, tap, beep, tap."
The studio erupted in enthusiastic laughter.
A World War II veteran who couldn't even use a mobile phone properly.
This image brought him closer to all middle-aged and elderly viewers.
They saw themselves in him.
I saw my clumsy self being left behind by the rapidly developing era.
"So, about that battle in the desert..."
Jimmy skillfully steered the conversation toward the climax of the evening.
On the big screen, the "top-secret video," meticulously edited by Hans Landa's team, began to play.
The hideous face of an alien.
Innocent civilians ( Maria ) face Carnage.
The Soldier Boy made his entrance like a god descending to earth.
After the video finished playing, the studio was completely silent.
Everyone was shocked by the "truth" of that battle.
"Aliens, they've really come."
The Soldier Boy's tone became extremely serious.
"Moreover, some of them can even transform into our likeness."
But everyone doesn't need to worry.
He faced the camera and gave that confident and reassuring smile that appeared at the end of the video.
"Because we are too."
"We have Human Torch, we have Yasuo, and many other heroes. We are protecting you."
Thunderous applause erupted.
Enduring and uninterrupted.
"Speaking of the new hero," Jimmy seized the opportunity to ask the last question from Landa's script.
"How does it feel to fight alongside them? What are your thoughts on these new generation of heroes?"
The Soldier Boy pondered for a moment.
The expression on his face resembled that of a stern father evaluating his child, who was excellent but not perfect.
They are all fine.
"Very powerful, and very fast."
He paused for a moment, then smiled helplessly and shook his head.
"It's just... a little soft."
"Soft?"
Jimmy was somewhat surprised.
"Yeah, soft." The Soldier Boy spread his hands, leaning forward as if confiding in an old friend. "I mean, they're too emotional. They see an alien that can cry and assume it's a good person."
"This world is a dangerous place, Jimmy. Sometimes, what you need is a powerful punch, not sitting down and trying to have a heart-to-heart talk with your enemy."
He looked at the camera with sincere eyes.
They need more... masculinity.
"More John Wayne, less... uh, what's the name of that hottest male singer with nail polish right now?"
He scratched his head, feigning distress.
The audience erupted in laughter.
In front of the television, countless conservative viewers and countless middle-aged men who felt suffocated by "political correctness" found their mouthpiece!
He's absolutely right!
"These young people nowadays are just too weak!"
"This is the true United States spirit! Hard-hitting! Direct!"
" Soldier Boy are the heroes we need!"
Vought International, Public Relations and Brand Management Department.
Data is constantly being updated on the computer in Hans Landa's office.
The search index for "[ Soldier Boy ]" surged by 1,000 percent within three minutes.
On Twitter, the hashtags Soldier Boy and #WeNeedMasculinity quickly rose to the top two spots on the trending topics list.
His personal brand was perfectly crafted in just half an hour of talk show, portraying him as "the last Guardian of the traditional United States spirit."
A tough, straightforward, and inflexible man, yet incredibly reliable.