The Big Mek's Statue

Kang De blinked, and then he understood what Leona meant.

--So, in other words, I have Big Mek aura that can make greens learn to think?

But why me?

How did I, an Earthling, become a green-skinned Big Mek?

He asked in bewilderment, "Impossible, right? They didn't see me when they were probing oil wells with their own bodies and building motorcycles by hand. At most, they only found out about me through the Autobots. Is that even possible?"

Leona rolled her eyes dramatically. "Isn't that kind of magical ability you're talking about with the green-skinned ones a bit far-fetched?"

"..."

That makes sense.

Kang De shook his head, deciding to stop worrying about the problem for the time being. After all, there was no logic to it, and no amount of thinking would lead to the right answer. Judging from the appearance of those greens, he probably wouldn't get any useful information out of them. Given their current predicament of being trapped in an isolated city, getting the answer would be of no use.

He asked casually, "Are they all arranged?"

"Yes, yes, everything's arranged. I know what orcs like to eat, and I've already had the kitchen prepare it. A temporary canopy has been built for your vehicle, but we can't get much of the metal they like to eat, and we don't know what gasoline is. You'll have to figure that out yourself. Oh, and by the way..."

Leona paused here, her expression complicated, and hesitated for a long time.

Then, with great difficulty, he said, "Since these orcs can be of help and are your friends, it's fine for them to stay here. I will try my best to provide them with lodging and food, but at the same time, you also need to restrain and appease them. I also have my bottom line; there are some things that I absolutely cannot tolerate..."

Kang De's expression turned solemn, and he said in a deep voice, "Do they have vile habits? Do they attack humans indiscriminately? Or even eat people?"

"No, that's not it. I don't know why, but even though the green-skinned creatures look savage and primitive, they won't eat people, no matter how vicious they are. When you ask them, they can't give you any reason; they just don't want to eat."

Leona sighed. "As for their bad habits, yes, they do, and they are absolutely intolerable to me. Listen, Kang De, they have no problem living here, but as the owner of this place, I have the right to ask them not to do certain things. Those kinds of things are absolutely unacceptable. If they really can't help themselves and insist on doing them, then I'm sorry, I can only ask them to leave. There is no room for compromise on that."

A ding sound.

Kang De's mind conjured up countless, indescribable, comic strip-like images.

His expression turned strange, then he felt disgust and frowned, saying, "Could it be...?"

"Yes."

Leona sighed. "Do you know what the three things Greenskins like to do most are?"

Fighting, running on the way to a fight, and... fuck [beep--]?

Leona is Leona, foul-mouthed yet of impeccable manners. Even when this topic comes up, she remains unfazed. "Fighting, pooping, bragging."

You've probably already seen the first and third ones.

"And the second thing... they like to defecate, and they like to build dung heaps, even using dung to build houses. When I consulted ancient texts, I saw that in the early days when various tribes were pioneering and there was no diplomacy, they attacked and killed each other. That was the most barbaric and violent era on the continent. Whenever the orcs conquered a settlement, in addition to looting everything that interested them, they would also leave a large dung heap in the area... They like this, especially defecating on enemy territory, which makes them extremely happy."

"Alright, alright, shut the hell up." Kang De threw down his knife and fork, pulled down his napkin, and covered the bowl of mashed potatoes. "I'm still eating."

Leona snorted, "You were the one who insisted on asking. Besides, if I don't tell you, so you're aware, you might not be able to eat here again if you're not careful."

Kang De briefly imagined the scene, and immediately lost all interest in the faction quest "Invitation from the Northern Orcs".

--The architectural style of this race is so distinctive that, given their self-proclaimed status as "Big Mek," if they were to go north, they would probably be housed in a magnificent palace built of excrement.

He shuddered. "Are they all like this? Can't they be changed?"

Although he explicitly rejected Nick's proposal, Kang De was still very interested in the Greenskins' ability to build motorcycles by hand, and even had many ideas about how far these Greenskins could go.

However, it's not feasible to use the elusive prophetic identity of the Big Mek to incite and deceive the orcs.

After all, he always believed in the principle of fair exchange. Even with the Autobots he created, after they gained sentience, he sought their opinions, explained the dangers of the journey, and made a mutually beneficial agreement before setting off together.

So along the way, he had been thinking about what price would be substantial enough for him to confidently propose that the greenskins join his ranks—the thousands of greenskins in the Horde were out of the question, but these few dozen were relatively easy to deal with.

But if they have this bad habit...

"That should be fine."

Leona's voice was like heavenly music. "Those most rude and savage orcs spend all day fighting, pooping, and bragging. They even live in houses covered with dung, so you can imagine how smelly they are. That's why when the armies of various races engage in close combat with the greenskins, they usually lose more often than they win. The other side is indeed capable and fearless, which is one reason, but another reason is the smell they have... Only the most determined warriors or certain races that don't care about that at all can unleash their full power."

Even the lowest-ranking vampire would rather starve than drink the blood of a green-skinned vampire.

But there are always exceptions.

"Take the Bad Moon Clan, for example, which I told you about. They're the most business-minded tribe among the Greenskins, even expanding their business across the entire continent. If they smelled bad, who would want to do business with them? They'd be overwhelmed by the stench before they even got close... So this tribe gradually started paying attention to hygiene. We don't know the internal situation, but at least their outlying merchants and members of their local trade guild offices are not only presentable and clean, and bathe frequently, but they even use incense and perfume. Ultimately, the allure of money can change everything."

She stretched out her hand, made a circle with her thumb and forefinger to form the shape of a gold coin, and smiled with narrowed eyes.

"Do you understand?"

She said in a relaxed tone, "There are two things in this world that can easily and gently change the nature of living beings: money and faith. The latter is stronger than the former because it's essentially a risk-free business."

"Then, even money can change the habits of the greenskins, let alone faith, Kang De. Since these orcs admire and respect you so much, they must be willing to make some changes for you. Or to put it another way, Kang De, perhaps you can change them."

At this point, the girl's mockery and disgust vanished completely.

Instead, it became more serious and earnest.

Kang De seemed to understand something. "So, what you're talking about isn't actually the dung heap? You mean to change something?"

Leona sat in the chair, tilted her head, and smiled at him, "No, it's about the dung heap, at least for now. The city is under siege by the elves, and we're all trapped here. All the Big Mek can do right now is prevent these dozens of orcs from smearing their excrement everywhere."

Kang De's movement of picking up the bread and dipping it in the meat sauce froze in mid-air as he glared at her.

Leona smiled mischievously and waved him away, saying, "Stop eating, go look at them instead."

Kang De put down the bread and shrugged helplessly. "You seem to care a lot about these green-skinned animals."

"Idiot, I'm doing this for your own good."

Leona rolled her eyes and said, "You definitely wouldn't go north now to trick the orcs into going south to fight the elves and help Goth, but now is now, and later is later. It's rare to have this kind of identity, so naturally we have to seize it. It's very useful; after all, it's a race, or at least a large tribe."

"Not convinced? Think about it. Although you are Tina's husband, you are still a Cathayan with no real power base, and you are not enough to convince the Goth People. How many people will be dissatisfied that a foreigner married Goth's most beautiful jewel? Goth is still very xenophobic in these matters, and he will definitely scrutinize you, and may even bully you—but you can call thousands of orcs to march south in a minute, that's a different story."

Kang De squinted and said, "That's all?"

The girl raised an eyebrow and said, "Otherwise what?"

He stood up and stretched. "I always felt like you had other ideas... But never mind, you're not some green-skinned woman in human skin, are you?"

Leona tossed her head and said smugly, "If those green-skinned women were as beautiful as me, they wouldn't be in this state, hiding in the North playing with shit, unwanted by any race."

"I'm leaving." Kang De picked up his coat and walked towards the door.

"Oh, right, Kang De."

Leona called out to him.

Kang De turned around. "What is it?"

The girl turned around, leaned against the back of the chair, looked at him, and said in a serious tone, "Taking a dump is a hobby of the Greenskins. They like to pile up dung, they like to use dung to build houses, and they like to use dung piles to build strange things. Even the projectiles used in their simple catapults are round, compacted dung balls, which are even more terrifying than stones."

"So, I have to remind you of two things."

"First, Big Mek, you might earn the endless respect and loyalty of the Orks, but it's best to have a fixed and solemn way of paying homage to you. Of course, if you prefer to have someone make a statue of you out of dung, that's another story..."

Kang De's eye twitched upon hearing this.

"Secondly, the green-skinned people like to play with poop because they deal with poop every day. As a friend, I hope you will stay true to yourself and not be led astray by them, developing any bad habits..."

The girl couldn't help but burst out laughing at this point.

You're overthinking it!

Kang De shouted righteously, "Even if I Kang De, am... damn it, forget it."

Then he pushed open the door and left.

Leona looked at the closed door and smiled softly.

"Of course there are other ideas... but what difference does it make? Someone like you, if you want the greens to work for you, you'd better do something for them first."

She murmured to herself, "Elves are the world's rulers, humans are gradually prospering, dwarves are exploring the principles of all things... All the races of the continent have gone from being scattered to uniting, from being insignificant to becoming powerful, because each race has its own heroes who appear at the right time to pave the way forward together with their people, except for the orcs."

"Kang De, perhaps they want a different way of life... perhaps they've been waiting for you all along."

"It's unbelievable that this absurd legend actually originated from a real person."

Leona's gaze drifted for a moment, thinking of the vast north, the barren land, the harshest environment, the place where the greens lived. It was a desolate area that even highly adaptable humans were unwilling to venture into, a place of impoverished mountains and treacherous waters, fraught with danger. Only the resilient greens could live there optimistically.

But all they had left was optimism.

This race has no hope.

She saw this emotion in the eyes of the merchants and mercenaries who had traveled south. These greenskins, who had left their homes and seen the world, had ultimately failed to find what they wanted. They were helpless and powerless, wondering why this was happening, but not knowing where the problem lay, wanting to do something but being unable to.

Leona sighed softly.

"As one of humanity, I feel that it would be best if the orcs just stayed in the most barren place in the north for thousands of years and fend for themselves. But as another part of humanity, I feel sympathy for the inexplicable suffering they have endured, after all, I have read the records in the Great Library."

"Long ago, the orcs did not live in that desolate place. Their homeland was once fertile and beautiful, but it is now human territory. Scholars have recorded this history fairly, but the world is unaware of it. However, the orcs have long since completely forgotten the hatred of having their home taken away. They live carefree and optimistically every day on the most barren and treacherous land..."

She murmured, "As a descendant, I have no right to condemn the actions of our ancestors in that dark and barbaric era, nor do I wish for the beastmen to remember their hatred and turn around to pay for their blood debts. I just hope they can live a better life, but not to turn around and invade humanity. Kang De, isn't this selfish wish too difficult?"

When humanity developed morality, all sorts of entanglements and troubles arose as a result.

"But I cannot stop you. If the prophecy is true, no one can stop a race from grasping hope. I only hope that you, Kang De, can guide them well and bring about a happy ending for everyone."

Leona sighed again, "But what's the point of saying this? There's nothing I can do..."

Just then, footsteps sounded outside. The girl looked up and saw Kang De had returned, pushed open the door, grabbed her arm, and pulled her up.

Hey! What are you doing?

Leona struggled.

"I forgot—you're coming along too!" Kang De urged her towards the door. "Since you know so much about the greenskins, and since you're so eager to see me make a fool of myself, then come along! If those greens dare to make a statue of me out of shit, I'll make them make another one of you and put it next to me!"

￥￥￥￥￥￥￥

PS1: A serious disclaimer: I need to clarify something. The Greenskins' penchant for playing with excrement is a setting from Warhammer Fantasy. The United Kingdom are the ones with the more extreme tastes. For example, in Total War: Warhammer: Warhammer, when Orc towers are upgraded, their cannonballs turn into dung balls. Similarly, if Greenskins raid your city, one of your building slots will likely become a dung heap afterward – caused by Greenskins. Also, there's a random event associated with Greenskins, which actually happens to all races, but the specific descriptions differ. For example, for the Empire, it's a steam boiler exploding; for the Dwarves, it's a gunpowder magazine exploding; for the Skaven, it's Warpstone furnace exploding; and for the Greens, it's a pile of dung exploding... that's it!