Leaving Without a Goodbye

"Wait for me! Are you trying to get away from me so you can take that Snivellus home?"

James shouted and managed to make Lily stay again.

"I guessed right, didn't I? You do want to take that Snivellus home with you. You know perfectly well what our relationship will be in the future, so why do you keep spending time with that damned Snivellus? What's so great about him? He's greasy and gloomy and never washes his hair. He wears black robes every day and goes around scowling as if somebody owes him a fortune. And you study Potions with someone like that? Even if Professor Slughorn gave you special permission, you don't have to take him home with you for the holidays. Are you going to brew those damned potions at home too—mmph, mmph, mmph!"

Lily had had enough of him. He couldn't just go around saying everything out loud! "Have you fallen for someone else?"

James insisted on an answer. It could be anyone but that Snivellus. No, it could only be him!

"When did I ever fall for someone else? I never had feelings for anyone in the first place." Lily watched as more and more people gathered around them. She seemed to see Mr. and Mrs. Evans and Petunia approaching her from two different directions. Her red hair stood out particularly well just then, allowing all three to spot her at once.

As soon as they spotted her, they naturally saw the black-haired boy in front of her too. Lily glanced around but saw no sign of Snape. She didn't know whether he had already left on his own or had yet to emerge from the station. She tried to get away, but James blocked her path and refused to let her go.

James spotted Mr. and Mrs. Evans walking toward them and immediately put on an obedient, mild-mannered expression. He stepped forward and bowed politely.

"Good day, sir, ma'am. I'm James Potter, Lily's friend. May I come over to your house at Christmas?"

Oh no, Lily thought. "Of course you may. We're always happy to have Lily's friends over."

Mrs. Evans smiled warmly, delighted to welcome Lily's friends into their home, just as Snape came over from time to time.

"Thank you very much, ma'am."

Lily stared at James's well-behaved manner as if she had seen a ghost. How had she never noticed what a good actor he was?

Even Petunia stared at James in disbelief. She suspected Potter was possessed. Otherwise, how could she have heard words that practically qualified as respectful coming out of his mouth?

"Hey, James, are you saying goodbye to your friends?"

Fleamont and Mrs. Euphemia had been a little worried that something had happened when their son failed to come out. They had walked against the flow of people, only to discover that James was catching up with his friends. Had he also heard James say he wanted to visit a friend's house? That was a splendid decision.

When the two reached them, they realized it was the red-haired girl who had visited their home before. Oh, their future daughter-in-law. It seemed James still hadn't won Lily over. Fleamont beat his chest and stamped his feet in his mind. Did the boy know anything about pursuing a girl?

"Dad, Mum, can I go over to Lily's house for Christmas?" James looked at Euphemia with his hazel eyes. Naturally, Euphemia wouldn't refuse her son's request. "If you have her permission, then of course you can."

"Brilliant! It's settled, then. I'll come see you during the holidays!" James shook Lily's arm excitedly. Lily thought her arm was about to come out of its socket. With so many people watching, she couldn't very well shake James off. It was miserable.

After the brief farce, Lily and Petunia went home with Mr. and Mrs. Evans. Lily had waited on the platform for a long time, but Snape never appeared. Petunia was seething, convinced that Snape had left without saying goodbye. If he wasn't going with them, he could have said so earlier instead of simply walking off. Lily had invited him home with them well in advance, and he had agreed, only to change his mind at the last minute and leave the whole family waiting for him in the cold. He had no manners at all. That was what you got from someone who lived in a place like Spinner's End. After all this time studying, he still had no manners.

"Come on, Lily. Snape probably took a ride home by himself." Petunia pulled Lily away as she stood staring blankly at the platform and urged her into the car.

"I'll write to him when we get back and ask what happened. Severus would never leave without saying goodbye." Lily couldn't shake the feeling that Snape must have run into trouble. Petunia thought her sister was far too naive. Never mind. It was the holidays, and there was no need to argue about it and spoil the pleasant mood.

Lily was right. Something had indeed happened in Snape's family, and even he couldn't say whether it was good or bad. He returned alone to the cramped, run-down Spinner's End. Everything here was loathsome, yet he knew it all so well. He pushed open the door that sealed away the unbearable memories of his childhood.

The house was empty and deathly silent. There were no abusive curses from Tobias, nor any meek sobs and pleas for mercy from Eileen. His useless father had spent years drinking and abusing his family. The conflict between husband and wife had finally erupted. After beating Eileen yet again, he had gone out drinking alone, only to slip and fall through a hole in the frozen river and drown while drunk.

All he left behind was Snape's mother, covered in wounds and barely clinging to life. His mother had once been a Potions genius. Why only once? Because she had given up everything that came with being a witch: the dignity that was hers as a witch and the talent she had been born with. She had abandoned it all, every last bit, for one man.

Even when Snape was very young, when he saw Eileen injured and asked why she didn't brew herself a potion, Eileen would tremble and say that his father hated it when she did. Her life had been consumed by her incompetent husband, and after his death, her vitality was rapidly draining away, as if she meant to follow him.

Then what did that make him? How ridiculous. He had never known familial love for as long as he could remember, yet he had felt a trace of sadness the moment he learned of his death. His father by blood was dead. He would no longer open his eyes and hurl abuse at him and his mother, no longer blame all his failures on marrying a freak and fathering another, no longer drink and beat them day after day. Why was he grieving for a complete and utter bastard?

A voice in his heart tugged at him. Snape, put away those useless feelings. You never had a family to begin with, did you? Didn't you give up on them long ago? Lily has been your only family from the very start.

Another voice told him, The same blood runs in your veins and that man's. He's dead, and you should observe a moment of silence for him.

Snape entered the house and closed the door. He went upstairs and saw Eileen sitting alone in a corner. He didn't know how long she had been there.

"Mother, I'm home."

Eileen ignored him, remaining in the corner with a coat clutched in her arms. She didn't have long to live, Snape concluded. Her heart was already dead, her soul was dead, and her body was wasting away day by day. Even Hua Tuo himself would have struggled to save her. No advanced potion could reverse it. For that man's sake, she couldn't even spare a thought for her own son.

Snape didn't want to stay in the house any longer. Just then, an owl tapped on the window. Snape guessed it was probably a letter from Lily asking why he had left ahead of them. He opened the window and let the owl in. Whisper nuzzled Xiaobai affectionately. Perhaps because their owners often spent time together during the holidays, the two owls were especially familiar with each other as well.

Snape read the letter. Lily hadn't asked why he had left without saying goodbye; she was worried that something had happened to him. Lily was always like this, always. Snape didn't understand what this feeling was. It was like a ghost that had spent years curled up in a dark, damp place without seeing the light, suddenly exposed to the sun. Its skin sizzled and smoked, yet it couldn't bear to give up the warmth. Lily, what am I supposed to do with you?