Um... Could you give me some toilet paper first?

With a click of the door closing, Qi Xiaoxin dragged his weary body over to the living room sofa and sat down, tossing his coat aside. Leaning against the shabby sofa, he didn't feel like moving a muscle.

Qi Xiaoxin worked as a telemarketer at a small company. He was a typical corporate slave, spending his days shuttling between the same three places. He hadn't had a girlfriend since graduating from college, because he was a stereotypically clueless straight guy.

"Gurgle~" Qi Xiaoxin suddenly felt a cramp twist through his belly.

"It must've been that sashimi I ate with the client at lunch... I just can't get used to that Japan stuff..."

"Fuck, my stomach hurts... I can't hold it... My sphincter's trembling."

Qi Xiaoxin rushed to the bathroom, pulled down his pants, and planted his feet firmly!

The muscles on the insides of his thighs tensed as he sat down on the toilet. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and slapped the bottom, popping one out. He caught it precisely between his lips, then reached back and pulled out a Zippo he'd bought on Pinduoduo for 9.9 yuan with free shipping and lit the cigarette, every movement smooth and fluid.

Qi Xiaoxin had to light a cigarette whenever he went to the bathroom, or he just couldn't get into it. The feeling of something going in at the top and coming out at the bottom was simply the best. (A common affliction among male smokers.)

Just as Qi Xiaoxin was getting into it, a burst of white light suddenly enveloped him, shot straight through the bathroom window into the sky, and vanished into the night...

When Qi Xiaoxin opened his eyes, he found himself still sitting on the toilet, but surrounded by mist, with translucent, pale purple crystals floating in midair.

"...Who set up a 3D projection in my bathroom?"

Suddenly, the mist before Qi Xiaoxin slowly dispersed, revealing a throne made of amethyst. A beautiful young woman sat upon it, her golden hair draped over her chest. Purple starlight surrounded her, making her look sacred and elegant.

Wait... I think I just saw her pick her nose... and then put it in her mouth...

Qi Xiaoxin's eye twitched.

At that moment, the beautiful young woman rose from the throne, pointed at Qi Xiaoxin, and spoke.

"Yo, young Feisi! I am the administrator of a parallel world! You may call me Mithelis, or the Goddess of Fate~" ✧⁺⸜(●˙▾˙●)⸝⁺✧

Qi Xiaoxin froze for a moment, then spoke.

"Um... have you got the wrong person? My name's Qi Xiaoxin, not Feisi..."

"...Eh, eh, eh, eh??! That's not right?! Wait a second, let me check."

Mithelis pulled a stack of folders out of thin air, lay on the floor, and rummaged through them for a long time before finally finding a document.

"Ah, here it is, found it! Let me see..." (｡ӧ◡ӧ｡)

The seven-inch headshot attached to the document showed a Western-looking person, completely different from Qi Xiaoxin's distinctly East Asian face!

"Ah... so I got it wrong. I'm just a teeny billion bit face-blind, and you two look so much alike." ( dzu ωdzu)

Qi Xiaoxin couldn't see what was on the document from where he was, but he instinctively felt that this so-called "goddess" was trying to cover something up.

"So can you send me back... I'm still on the toilet..."

"Th-this... might not be possible... A one-way summoning pulls the soul straight out, which means your body is already dead..."

"..."

A vein bulged on Qi Xiaoxin's forehead. He gritted his teeth and forced out a sentence.

"So... because you summoned the wrong person... you fucking killed me??"

Mithelis: | ŏ ﹏ ŏ๑ )

"D-d-don't be angry... Look... look... this actually has its advantages! I can give you a new life! You're a corporate slave, right? You work hard and earn so little! I can give you a new life!"

Qi Xiaoxin's eyes lit up.

Oh-ho! Could I be a rich second-generation heir? If you put it that way, I'm wide awake.

Qi Xiaoxin paused, then spoke bashfully.

"Um... I want to be a rich second-generation heir for once~ I don't need too much family wealth. Just a few hundred million would be enough for me..."

"No can do. Even I can't pinpoint exactly where you'll end up when I send you to a parallel world... But since this will be your second time living as a human, you'll have some life experience, right? It'll definitely be much easier~" ╭(′▽`)╯

"..."

"I don't care, I don't care, I don't care!! You killed me for no reason, and now you won't even give me any perks for reincarnating!! You've gone too far!! Does being a goddess mean you can just kill people whenever you want?!!"

The corner of Mithelis's mouth twitched. Suppressing the urge to slap this guy to death, she reached into the air, casually pulled out a thing, and tossed it into Qi Xiaoxin's hand.

"This is a system developed by the Universe Administration Bureau. It's a newly developed prototype that hasn't been rolled out yet. It'll assign you tasks, with rewards for completing them and punishments for failing. Of course, for an ordinary human..."

"Prrt~ prrrt~" A sound that painted a vivid picture interrupted Mithelis. The goddess stared in horror at Qi Xiaoxin, who was still sitting on the toilet.

Qi Xiaoxin held his interlaced fingers beneath his chin, his eyes fixed on the pale purple crystals floating in midair, and spoke calmly.

"Um... could you give me some toilet paper first..."