Death-Seeking Fake Leave

Author: To my reader friends in front of their computer screens—

Jizi: To my reader friends in front of their phone screens—

All: We miss you so much!

Author: This is a special mini-theater to commemorate reaching 100,000 characters…

Jizi: Nonsense, the title clearly says it's a leave request! Do you think readers are as clueless as you are?!

Author: Ahaha, ahahahaha, I just wanted to crack a joke to liven things up.

Jizi: Let's get down to business!

Author: Alright, so— we've been publishing for about a month now.

Jizi: I feel like my entire 17 years of life combined weren't as rich and colorful as this past month, in every sense of the word.

Author: But even if we combine both storylines and add the prologue, the time you've experienced in the book is less than 10 days.

Jizi: I know, I know. The tragedy war lasted at most two weeks, 14 days. Doubling that for two storylines would be 28 days, barely enough for February—and not even a leap year. I was just going with the flow. Wait, we were supposed to be talking about business! Don't change the subject!

Author: Then let's continue the topic of the 100,000-character special mini-theater…

Jizi: It's clearly about requesting leave! Besides, the 100,000-character commemoration is for the B-line, isn't it?

Author: Well, you see, it's only because of the B-line that we reached 100,000 characters, so strictly speaking, it's not…

Jizi: Then how do you account for the over 9,000-character "Lu Lu Xiu" chapter?

Author: Ah, that one, well, actually, the original plan was to name it "I Prefer Death Over Rebellion"...

Jizi: Do you just love courting death that much? At least wait until we're done with important matters before you do that! And how did the topic get sidetracked again?!

Author: How can I court death if I'm seriously handling business? Wait, wait, put down the scythe…

Jizi: Un念! Accept the judgment of the revolutionary flames of the working class! Hmm, why is it not working?

Author: Hahahaha, as an excellent member of the FFF Alliance, how could I possibly be harmed by flames!

Jizi: Then take this Old Sun's Staff!

--- CLANG! ---

Author: (Holding a large lump on his head, speaking in a monotonous, lifeless tone) To all my esteemed readers, I sincerely apologize. The book's update schedule, which was originally set at 18,000 characters per week, has now become… well, completely unstable.

Jizi: In other words, it might or might not happen, and if it does, the word count is unknown. We are truly sorry. The main culprit behind this situation is this death-courting fellow! Please don't show him any mercy and feel free to leave your comments.

Author: Well, maybe not too freely… at least, like Lord Bao Longxing, don't insult my family, female relatives, or my… reproductive organs.

Jizi: Don't think readers are as vulgar as you are!

Author: Well, the reason for this situation is mainly because it's almost May now, the end of April. With May here, June isn't far behind, right? And with June approaching, exams are also getting closer.

Jizi: Meaning this guy's tertiary exam schedule is extremely busy, and it's an unavoidable circumstance.

Author: The unstable update situation might continue until mid-to-late June. After that, I can guarantee daily updates. Oh, speaking of unavoidable circumstances, there will be another one in September (if this book hasn't finished by then). However, that won't be instability, but a complete month-long hiatus. The reason will be freshman military training (of course, assuming I can even get into university). I'll request leave for that here as well…

Jizi: Don't think you can slack off! This is for this time! You'll have to write another leave request in September!

Author: Well, I'll try my best.

Jizi: Why are you acting so arrogant when you're the one in the wrong! And how brain-dead do you have to be to start a book in April of this year, with such an intermittent update rhythm? You can't even last a month before going on hiatus!

Author: (Tilting his head) Obviously, it's to court death.

Jizi: (Not reacting) What?

Author: Of course, it's to court death. Look, unstable updates, severely diluted content, original characters lacking distinctiveness, plot lacking divine twists, poor descriptive skills, and now requesting a long leave before even a month is up—I've basically hit all the major reasons for a webnovel to fail, haven't I? The book title even has the words "courting death" in it…

Jizi: (Roaring) I'm sorry for not having any distinctive features! And doesn't the "courting death" in the title refer to you, not me? I always thought it was me! Isn't a book title usually related to the work's style, content, characters, plot, world-building, and so on? Like, "The Legend of the Overbearing Dragon God Who Conquers the World, Slays Gods, Defies Heaven, and Picks Up Beautiful Women in Another World"! Why are you so different!

Author: Of course, it's to court death. Look at this title. It's a fanfiction based on Fate/stay night, and the author, being very prone to courting death, named it "Fate/Courting Death Night." Is there a problem with that? If it were you courting death, it would be called "So-and-so Courting Death in Fate/stay night" or "So-and-so Who Courted Death in Fate/stay night," wouldn't it?

Jizi: Is there a difference?

Author: The words "courting death" are in the middle.

Jizi: So?

Author: You still don't get it? Look, although our great China doesn't emphasize this, in the West, when naming things to distinguish between people with the same name, they add a middle name.

Jizi: Mm.

Author: This middle name is usually to emphasize the family or the father, like Harry Potter's full name is Harry James Potter; James was his father's name.

Jizi: What's the logical connection there?

Author: So, I am the author of this book, which means I am like the "father" of this book, right?

Jizi: That's not wrong, I suppose… Wait, I think I just realized something, could it be…

Author: Song Nuo, could it be! By putting "courting death" in the middle, it represents the "father" of this book—me! I am the one who courts death, understand?

Jizi: Damn it! Only a weirdo like you could come up with such logic!

Author: Besides, look at the ridiculously death-courting roles I've assigned you. Flirting with Saber? Flirting with Gilgamesh? Flirting with Cake? Flirting with Mapo? Flirting with Yangtze? And flirting with Yanye, Loli Rin, Loli Sakura, Queen Consort? Hooking up with Emperor, Cake, Kuudere Mistress? These are things others have done too. If you do what everyone else does, how can it be called courting death?

Jizi: (Quietly) Even if everyone does it, there aren't many who do it all at once—even with two storylines. And listening to this guy, it feels like I've become a deeply sinful wo— cough cough.

Author: Look at me, haven't I already listed all the self-destructive things I've done? Aren't these actions sure to lead to my doom when writing webnovels—or any kind of writing, for that matter? Oh, right, and this transformation thing. Dian Niang was cracking down hard, and I deliberately ran right into it. Wasn't that also suicidal?

Jizi: So you made me transform just so you could court disaster! I'll fight you!

Author: Well, that's not exactly it. I'll explain the reasons for adding the transformation element when I have the chance.

Jizi: Go die, go die, go die!

Author: (Dodging attacks while speaking) Anyway, that's how it is. I hope all my friends can wait a bit. Of course, if you can't wait and decide to remove it from your shelves, there's nothing I can do—it's my fault. Lastly, I wish all students good luck on their exams, gamers victory in their games, more zero-dollar spending, and for the dean of students to fall ill (just kidding). For those who have entered society, I wish you smooth work, promotions, raises, happy love lives, and successful careers. To all my friends, I wish you good health, harmonious families, abundant wealth, and that all your wishes come true.

Jizi: Go die, go die, go die!

Author: That's all. Thank you all for your clicks, collections, and recommendations over the past month. Let's meet again at a time I don't even know...

Jizi: Go die!!!

Author: One last thing, perhaps the next time I pop up, it won't be an update. It might be something like "Lu Lu Xiu," or a B-side story, or just some casual jottings. So, to avoid being killed by the protagonist, and even more so by the teacher, I'm outta here... 886.

Jizi: (Making a phone call) Hello? Teacher X? Your student XXX is at the XX internet cafe. Yes, I've got him under control right now. Please hurry over...

Author: Wait a minute, what are you doing! No, no, no! Absolutely not this! If I get caught by that menopausal old hag, it won't be a matter of life or death anymore...

Suddenly, a chilling voice from behind: I'm very curious, who is this "menopausal old hag" you're talking about?

Author: ...

...The events that followed were too brutal to describe, as they would undoubtedly be censored... so use your imagination.

Jizi: If you court disaster, you will surely die!