Author: Readers in front of their computer screens—
Jizi: Readers in front of their phone screens—
Together: We missed you all so much!
Author: This is a special mini-play commemorating the completion of 100,000 words...
Jizi: Bullshit! The title clearly says it's a fake leave request. Do you think the readers are as dumb as you are?!
Author: Ahaha, ahahaha. I just wanted to crack a joke and liven up the atmosphere.
Jizi: Get to the point!
Author: Alright then—this book has been running for a little over a month now.
Jizi: It felt like my first seventeen years of life combined hadn't been as eventful as this one month, in every possible sense.
Author: But even if you added both storylines together, plus the prologue, you hadn't even experienced ten days' worth of time in the book.
Jizi: I know, I know. A tragic war could only last two weeks, fourteen days at most. Even with two storylines multiplied by two, that was only twenty-eight days, barely enough for February—and it couldn't even be a leap year. I was just going with the flow—wait a second, weren't we supposed to be talking business?! Stop derailing the conversation!
Author: Then let's continue with the topic of the 100,000-word special mini-play...
Jizi: We're talking about the leave request, okay?! Besides, the 100,000-word commemorative chapter was on the B route!
Author: Well, you see, um, it only reached 100,000 words with the B route included, so strictly speaking, it wasn't...
Jizi: Then what about that more-than-9,000-word "Lulu Shy" chapter?
Author: Ah, that one... well, it was originally planned to be called "I Like Courting Death More Than Rebellion"...
Jizi: Do you seriously love courting death that much? At least wait until we've handled the important business before you do it! And how did the topic get derailed again?!
Author: How could I court death if I seriously handled important business? Wait, wait, put down the sickle...
Jizi: No regrets! Accept the judgment of the blazing proletarian revolution! Hm, why didn't it work?
Author: Hahahaha! As an outstanding member of the FFF Brigade, how could I possibly be harmed by fire?!
Jizi: Then take this staff strike from Old Sun!
------------CLANG!---------------
Author: (Holding a huge bump on his head, he spoke in a lifeless, rote tone.) Dear readers, I am terribly sorry. This book's updates, originally promised at 18,000 words per week, have now become... well, completely unpredictable.
Jizi: That meant there might be updates or there might not. Even if there were, nobody knew how long they would be. We are truly sorry. The chief culprit behind this is this death-seeking bastard! Please don't spare his feelings—mock him all you want.
Author: Well, don't be too unrestrained... At the very least, like Lord Bao Longxing, don't insult my family, female relatives, or genitalia.
Jizi: Don't assume the esteemed readers are as vulgar as you!
Author: Well, the reason things ended up this way was mainly because it was already late April, and May was about to arrive. Once May came, could June be far behind? And once June drew near, exams drew near too.
Jizi: In other words, this guy's real-life schedule was extremely busy, and it was beyond his control.
Author: The unstable updates would probably continue until mid-to-late June. After that, I could guarantee daily updates. Oh, speaking of things beyond my control, there would be another one in September—if the book wasn't finished by then. But that wouldn't just be instability; updates would stop entirely for a month, because of freshman military training. Of course, that was assuming I actually got into college. Let me request that leave in advance too...
Jizi: Don't even think about slacking off! This time is this time! You'll have to write another leave request when September comes!
Author: Well, I'll try.
Jizi: You're obviously in the wrong, so why are you still acting so smug?! And how brain-dead did you have to be to start a book in April this year? With that stop-and-start update schedule, you couldn't even last a month before taking a hiatus!
Author: (Tilting his head.) Of course, it was to court death.
Jizi: (Not catching on.) What?
Author: Of course it was to court death. Look: unstable updates, severely padded content, unmemorable original characters, no god-tier plot twists, disappointing writing skills, and now I was asking for a long leave before even one month had passed. I basically had every major factor that doomed an online novel, didn't I? Even the title had the words "courting death" in it...
Jizi: (Roaring.) I'm sorry for not having any distinguishing traits! And wasn't the "courting death" in the title supposed to refer to you, not me? I'd always thought it was me! Aren't book titles generally connected to the work's style, content, characters, plot, worldview, and so on? Like "The Biography of Long Aotian, Who Crossed Into Another World to Conquer Nations, Slay Gods, Defy Heaven, and Pick Up Beautiful Girls"! Why did you have to be so different?!
Author: Of course it was to court death. Look at this title: it was a Fate/stay night fanfic, and the author was really into courting death, so it was called "Fate: Court Death Night." What was wrong with that? If you were the one courting death, it would be called "Whatshisname Courts Death in Fate/stay Night" or "That Whatshisname Courting Death in Fate/stay Night," wouldn't it?
Jizi: What difference did that make?
Author: The words "courting death" were in the middle.
Jizi: So?
Author: You still didn't get it? Look, although we don't care much about this in our great Celestial Empire, in the West, when people named someone, they added a middle name to distinguish people with identical names and surnames, right?
Jizi: Yeah.
Author: That middle name was generally used to emphasize the family or the father or something. For example, Harry Potter's full name was Harry James Potter. James was his dad's name.
Jizi: What logic connected those things?
Author: So, I was the author of this book, which meant I was like this book's "father," right?
Jizi: That made sense... Wait, I think I understand something. Masaka...
Author: Song Nuo masaka desu! Putting "courting death" in the middle represented this book's father—me! I was the one courting death, get it now?
Jizi: Fuck! Only a weirdo like you could come up with that kind of logic!
Author: Besides, look, did I arrange any especially death-seeking scenes for you? Teasing Saber? Teasing Gilgamesh? Teasing Kiritsugu? Teasing Kirei? Teasing Yangtze? And teasing Yanye, Loli Rin, Loli Sakura, Queen Consort, and so on? Picking up Emperor, Kiritsugu, and Kuudere Mistress? It wasn't like nobody else had done those things before. If everyone did them and you did them too, how could that be called courting death?
Jizi: (Quietly.) Even if everyone did them, there probably weren't many who did all of them at once—even if they were split across two routes. And hearing this guy put it that way somehow made me sound like a deeply sinful wom... Ahem.
Author: But look at me instead. Didn't we already list all the death-seeking things I'd done earlier? Those things, when writing online fiction—regardless of what kind, and not even limited to online fiction—were absolutely a recipe for courting death, right? Oh, right, and this gender-bending thing. Dian Niang was cracking down hard, and I deliberately ran straight into it. Wasn't that courting death too?
Jizi: So you made me gender-bend just so you could court death?! I'll kill you!
Author: Well, not exactly. I'd explain why I added the gender-bending element when I got the chance.
Jizi: Die, die, die!
Author: (Dodging her attacks as he spoke.) Anyway, that was how things stood. I hoped everyone could wait for a while. Of course, if you couldn't wait and had to remove the book from your shelves, there was nothing I could do about that—it was my fault, after all. Finally, I wished all student friends perfect exam scores, cleared games, more money from zero spending, and sick academic deans—cough. For friends entering society, I wished you smooth work, promotions and raises, happy love lives, successful careers. For all friends, I wished you good health, harmonious families, overflowing wealth, and success in everything.
Jizi: Die, die, die!
Author: That was all. Thank you, everyone, for your clicks, favorites, and recommendations over the past month. Let's meet again next time, whenever that might be—I had no idea when either.
Jizi: Die already!!!
Author: One last addition: perhaps the next time I surfaced, it wouldn't be an update either. It might be something like "Lulu Shy," something like the B route, or just some random essay. So, in order to avoid being killed by the protagonist—and more importantly, avoid being killed by my teachers—I'm out of here... bye-bye.
Jizi: (Making a call.) Hello? Teacher X? Your student XXX is at XX Internet café. Yes, I've got him under control right now. Please come quickly...
Author: Wait, what are you doing?! No, no! Anything but that! If that menopausal old hag caught me, it wouldn't be a matter of whether I died or not...
A cold voice suddenly sounded behind him: I was very curious who that menopausal old hag was—exactly—?
Author: ...
------What happened afterward was too cruel; if it were written out, it would definitely be censored, so everyone can imagine it for yourselves.------
Jizi: If you court death, you will definitely die!
Before you continue