In a secluded cave abode at the back of Qingyun Sect.
Li Wuyang sat cross-legged, his five centers facing heaven, his expression as solemn as if he were about to take the college entrance exam. Before him lay the jade-slip copy of the supreme scripture he had obtained from the mysterious cave abode—the Huang Ting Jing (the original was too precious; he was afraid of losing it).
"Within Huang Ting are three palaces: the upper palace in the brain, the middle palace in the heart, the lower palace in the spleen..." he muttered, his brows twisted into knots. "What the hell is all this? Brain, heart, spleen? Are you sure this isn't a traditional medicine wellness textbook, Primordial Father?!"
After studying the profound and mysterious chapter on preserving the spirit and refining qi for half a day, he decided to try something practical first—a minor divine ability recorded in the appendix of the Huang Ting Jing: the Huang Ting Palm Thunder. The name sounded impressive enough, and its description claimed it could unleash thunder from one's palm to vanquish evil and shatter delusions.
"This one's good! If anyone pisses me off in the future, I'll zap the crap out of them!" Li Wuyang said eagerly.
According to the incantation, he needed to draw true qi from his dantian, pass it through the heart meridians of the middle palace, nurture a trace of innate pure yang intent, gather it at the Laogong acupoint, and then... with a thought, lightning would arise on its own.
Sounded simple, didn't it?
Li Wuyang took a deep breath, circulated his true qi, and guided it carefully... It passed through Zhongwan, cleared Juque, and charged toward... uh, he got a stitch!
"Ow!" He clutched his chest, feeling as though someone had punched him. The true qi in his dantian churned violently, and he nearly suffered qi deviation.
"No, no, that's not right. The posture must be wrong!" He switched poses, standing on one leg like a golden rooster, and tried again... Pfft! This time he did not get a stitch, but after holding it in for ages, only a wisp of green smoke rose from his palm, carrying the smell of... burnt feathers?
"Is this Palm Thunder or Palm Fart?!" Li Wuyang looked ready to cry. "What happened to vanquishing evil and shattering delusions? This couldn't even zap a mosquito to death!"
Refusing to accept defeat, he tried several more poses: horse stance, yoga poses, even a handstand... The results were either stitches or farts. His most successful attempt produced a faint electric spark in his palm before... electrocuting him so badly that every strand of his hair stood on end, making him look like an angry, puffed-up cat.
"Ha!" Xuan, who had been sitting nearby meditating and regulating his breathing, finally failed to suppress a tiny snicker. Though he immediately returned to his icy expression, the faint twitch at the corner of his mouth betrayed him.
Li Wuyang's old face reddened, but he stiffened his neck and said, "What are you laughing at?! This is called building up for a big finish! What do you know? High-level skills all have long windups!"
Xuan did not even raise his eyelids. "Are you sure you're cultivating a divine ability, rather than... performing acrobatics?"
Li Wuyang: "...Friendship over!"
After failing N times in a row, Li Wuyang gave up on Palm Thunder and turned to another technique that looked more "practical"—the Spirit Transformation Art. It was said to transform ordinary ingredients or low-grade spirit materials into food containing pure spiritual qi through a special circulation of true qi. In short... immortal cultivation cooking?
"This one's good! Food is the first necessity of the people! When I roam the world in the future, if I'm hungry, I can eat at a restaurant... no, I can whip up a whole spirit-food feast myself! Maybe I can even get rich with this!" Li Wuyang instantly found a new direction in life.
He rushed excitedly out of the cave abode, plucked a handful of spirit grass that looked like chives from the back mountain of Qingyun Sect, then caught an unfortunate passing Spirit Fragrance Pig—a low-grade spirit beast that looked plump and round—ready to show off his skills.
He set up a pot—a massive Witch Clan stone pot he dug out of his Void-Concealing Pouch—lit a fire—having Little Fire spit out a tiny flame that nearly burned through the pot—and followed the art, pouring true qi into the ingredients...
Half an hour later.
An indescribably strange odor filled the cave abode. It was somewhat scorched if called fragrant, yet oddly sweet and cloying if called foul. The "spirit food" in the pot had turned an eerie dark green, with multicolored bubbles burbling continuously to the surface.
Little Fire and Yingying hid far away, their faces full of disgust. Even Xuan silently moved his meditation spot three feet farther away.
Holding a spoon, Li Wuyang stared at the indescribable lump in the pot and swallowed hard, forcing himself to remain calm. "Mm... the presentation is a little lacking, but maybe it's rich on the inside! Come on, Jinbao, you try it first!"
Jinbao shook his head like a rattle drum and clutched his last treasured spirit fruit tightly, declaring that he would rather die than comply.
"No loyalty!" Li Wuyang said contemptuously. Then he scooped out a small spoonful himself, shut his eyes, and stuffed it into his mouth.
One second, two seconds, three seconds...
"Bleurgh—!!!"
Li Wuyang shot out of the cave abode with lightning speed, braced himself against a tree, and began vomiting furiously. The taste was like spoiled chive pies mixed with expired yogurt, then left to stew for three days and nights during a thunderstorm!
"How is this transforming things into spirit food...?! This is turning food into poison, isn't it?!" Tears streamed down Li Wuyang's face. "Primordial Father! Was the recipe you gave me expired?!"
Xuan's cool voice drifted from within the cave, carrying a faint, almost imperceptible hint of teasing. "Perhaps you are better suited to... eating it directly."
Li Wuyang: "..." That hit right in the heart, brother.
In the end, Li Wuyang tearfully dumped that pot of "spirit food" off the back-mountain cliff. It was said that all the flowers and grass beneath the cliff had withered by the next day. Even a Foundation Establishment stage demon rabbit passing by foamed at the mouth and convulsed for half an hour.
His first attempt at "alchemy"—cooking—ended in utter failure. Li Wuyang came to deeply realize that his points in life skills might perhaps possibly... be in the negatives.
(End of Chapter Forty-Three)
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