A Self-Account by the Name of Xia Yan.

My name is Xia Yan.

My name is hard to write. I always struggle with writing my name during exams.

When I was in elementary school... no, or rather, when I was in kindergarten, my teacher once said that I was very "introverted" and "unsociable." I overheard this during a conversation between the teachers.

"That Xia Yan's child never cries or makes a fuss, and he doesn't usually play with other children. He's a rather eccentric child..." and so on.

Although I don't know why I remember these words so clearly at such a young age when they should have been a blur, I have no reason to refute the teacher's evaluation of this person, who I can't even remember what he looks like, and who seems to be No-Face.

But why is all this happening?

I don't really know either.

When I was old enough to understand things, I always tried my best to get first or second place in the class in every exam, striving to make my grades look very impressive.

But when I showed my exam paper to my parents, they didn't even offer a perfunctory compliment, rarely played with me, and almost never came home.

Was my performance not good enough?

Am I not obedient enough?

Have I caused my parents trouble again?

With this in mind, I strive to be a child without any problems.

Yes, a child who doesn't make any demands on their parents or cause them any trouble.

That way, they'll probably be satisfied and, like other parents, they'll pat my head and say things like, "You did a good job," or "I'll make you something delicious tonight," right?

But nothing has changed.

For a long time, I carefully pondered why this was happening, why my parents didn't like me, and why my classmates didn't like me either.

Then my grades started to fluctuate, until even my teachers disliked me.

Classmates who used to have worse grades than me now brag about their better grades and play with their new toys in front of me. But it doesn't really matter. I just need to be myself. I just need to cook for my parents every day, do their laundry, and clean the house to make them happy...

Then they said I must be an orphan, otherwise why is no one ever coming after school or to parent-teacher conferences, and then they burst into laughter.

I was so angry that I punched them.

But there were so many of them that I couldn't even fight back. I could only lie on the ground to protect my head and try not to get beaten any worse. Otherwise, what if I got into trouble when I got home?

I'm in so much pain, I don't know if it's my body that hurts or my heart.

When the teacher found out about the incident, instead of punishing the classmates who had insulted me, she asked me to reflect on my own behavior and why they had bullied me.

My efforts to protect my head from my parents' notice that I had caused trouble were futile; in fact, they only made my arm ache for a while.

Since my parents didn't even come home, how could they have seen that I was injured?

And so, I became the punching bag for that group of people, and also the troublemaker in the eyes of the teacher.

But as long as my parents don't know, and I don't cause them any trouble so they can focus on their work, they might have time to spend with me then.

With that in mind, I tried my best to be an obedient child.

But one time when I forgot my house key and went to my grandfather's house to get a spare key, I discovered the truth that my parents weren't coming home.

It turns out they had already divorced and each had started a new family.

So, all my efforts and perseverance were for nothing?

So they stopped loving me a long time ago?

In other words, what those people who have been bullying me all along are saying is true.

I was so angry, angry for no reason. The anger that seemed to pierce the sky left me at a loss for what to do.

I opened the door, didn't hide, and calmly told them what I wanted to say, then smashed the only birthday present my mother had given me—a cup.

With that, my childhood came to a complete end.

Like this shattered cup.

My grandfather's name was Xia Jianjun, a very common and frequently repeated name in his time.

I used to always ask him what it was like when he was in the army, and whether there was anything particularly fun about it.

Whenever Grandpa asked about this, he would say that there was nothing fun about it; it was a very serious matter and a very honorable one.

At that time, I didn't understand, but I was very curious.

My grandfather was with me for a very long time during my childhood.

I never said I wanted to go to the park, the amusement park, eat this delicious food, or want any toys. After leaving that empty house, I moved in with my grandfather.

But Grandpa seemed to be able to read minds, and miraculously took me to all the places I had only ever heard my classmates brag about.

It seems like my grandfather wanted to make up for everything my parents hadn't given me before, and I knew all of that.

But some things, even if they are made up for, can never be the same again.

But he seemed to have more fun at the amusement park than I did, and even ate two ice creams by himself.

It really is...

Old people are like children.

When I entered high school, I was admitted to the best high school and my grades were also very good.

I told them I could live on my own, and I didn't need their money; I didn't want Xia Zhongshan's money either.

At that time, I planned to join the army after I got into university, to experience whether the place my grandfather had described was really as interesting as it seemed.

Then Grandpa left the house to me and said, "Don't force yourself, Grandpa will always be here for you." With those words, he returned to his hometown in the north, the place where he was born.

I became a person.

When I entered university, I chose a local one because I would be signing up for military service when it was time to go, so it would be more convenient to be closer to home.

I met a strange classmate who looks a lot like I did when I was a child.

I want to help her.

Perhaps it is because I experienced those days of being ostracized and isolated that I understand how much effort it takes for someone to work hard and make changes on their own.

Perhaps simply extending a hand could save a person?

With this in mind, I did not sign up for military service again and chose to finish university.

I have excellent skills. With a few simple excuses and reasons, and with the counselor's approval, I communicated with the teacher and explained the situation to my classmates, asking them to try not to have any negative impact on Hua Xin. I could handle the rest.

If someone had helped me back then, would I have been in so much pain and suffering?

With that in mind, I wanted to save her, and we became very good friends.

But fate is quite interesting.

She became my girlfriend, and during our second New Year together, we got engaged on an unknown date.

I want to love her for the rest of my life.

Grandpa was smiling happily in front of me, and Hua Xin was right beside me.

At that moment, my life took on a completely different meaning.

The third day after the New Year.

Grandpa passed away peacefully without pain.

I discovered this when I went to call him for breakfast in the morning. At that time, there was no pain on his face; instead, he looked very peaceful.

Yes.

He should have no worries or burdens in his heart anymore. I have found my own place to belong, and Xia Fen is growing up and has been admitted to university. I won't worry about her in the future.

Compared to the pain of being stuck with tubes all over the hospital, this seems much more comfortable.

Was his high spirits a few days ago just a temporary burst of energy before death?

I don't know, and I'm not sure.

All I know is that I no longer have a grandfather.

From then on, I no longer had a grandfather.

There's no longer a grandfather who would secretly take me out to play, cook me delicious meals, and tuck me in at night to tell me stories.

That night, I don't know how long I cried, and I rarely showed my vulnerable side.

It was a very shameful cry, as if my soul was turning into tears and soaking that land.

I miss him so much.

Hua Xin stayed quietly by my side the whole time, and I knew I couldn't just wallow in sadness like that.

This is probably what Grandpa wouldn't want to see either. A strong Xia Yan is what makes him a good grandson.

At this point, I no longer had the only elder who loved me.

The old man who loved Xia Yan from childhood to youth has passed away.

But Xia Yan's future must go on, and the person who will love Xia Yan for the rest of his life is right beside him.

No, it's Xia Yan and Hua Xin's future.

My future family will definitely be better and happier than my current family.

Must.