I Think I More or Less Understand What You Mean

What does loneliness feel like?

It is rough stone, cold wind and snow, and desolate streets.

It is the green sand on the railway tracks, the green moss in the sleepers, and the chirping of insects on the journey.

As the number of people increased, Xue Ming and Zhengchu gradually spoke less and less.

When Uncle Chen arrived at the restaurant, he immediately started organizing everyone to take turns ordering food, making sure no one was left out. The politeness and warmth of the New Year celebrations were meant to dispel any awkwardness.

When Xingchen and Ye Bei met an acquaintance, they started chatting about their families, mostly about what they had seen and heard in Hengyin City.

Once all the dishes were served, Xue Ming looked out the floor-to-ceiling windows of the Chuangfu Hotel. The train station was bustling with people, and most of the guests at the other tables in the hotel were families reunited, young and old gathered together. From the 45-proof liquor in the hands of the middle-aged father to the coconut juice of the coconut tree brand that the children had been drinking since childhood, these people and things were telling the joyous story of the New Year.

Uncle Zhengchu and Ye Bei were talking about A-shares and figuring out how to make more money—although neither of them had much cash on them, they were already thinking about what would happen after they became rich overnight.

Uncle Fugui and Brother Xingchen were discussing exorcism tools, ranging from sword-shaped talismans to limited-edition Purple Mansion Immortal Thunder Laser cards. It sounded like a children's toy wholesaler and a player exchanging shopping experiences.

Xue Ming didn't know what to say, so he just kept eating.

By the time the others came to their senses, Xue Ming, the gluttonous little devil, had devoured half the dishes on the table.

After his metamorphosis into a pupa, his appetite increases significantly, his metabolism accelerates, and he needs a great deal of energy to shape his spiritual essence. Only after the secondary development of his neural structure can he support the manifestation of his spiritual body.

The others at the table were completely surprised by how fast the boy ate. In just a few minutes, his four older brothers and uncles started grabbing food without any politeness, which made everyone laugh.

The meal was finished in just ten minutes, showing no sign of the idea that "taking it slow will make it faster."

Then, following Mr. Chen's arrangement, the group went to a KTV along the riverside scenic belt, ordered two dozen beers and a table full of snacks, and began singing classic songs from the Hung Hom Coliseum concert.

Su Xingchen had a very low alcohol tolerance; her thirteen-year-old body couldn't handle much alcohol, and she immediately lay down on the sofa and fell fast asleep.

Brother Beizi seems to have a low alcohol tolerance, but he's mostly faking it. According to the constitution of the Chang Ghost, he can drink almost sixteen catties of distilled liquor before his skin turns slightly red and he returns to a rosy human appearance.

Only Mr. Chen was truly drunk.

--This blond, blue-eyed fake foreigner spoke Mandarin with a strong Jiang-Zhe-Shanghai accent, as if he had lived in those areas for a long time. His Chinese was somewhat clumsy, and he finally managed to transform from a redneck to a proper Beijing accent, but he reverted to his true colors as soon as he drank alcohol.

Chen Fugui gripped the microphone and first sang "My Chinese Heart," then "Pearl of the Orient," and finally "The Internationale," which he had performed at Hung Hom concert more than 30 years ago. He seemed genuinely drunk, having almost forgotten his hometown, Texas, USA.

Xue Ming sat down next to Uncle Zhengchu and apologized in a low voice.

"I'm sorry, I should have to leave tonight."

"Yes, have a safe journey."

"I left a vial of blood with Brother Xingchen, Uncle. If you leave a vial too—we can do a paternity test."

"Good."

"Will you stay? What do you mean by 'okay'? Does it mean yes or no?"

Sometimes Chinese really makes it hard to understand the meaning behind a sentence.

Its form is ever-changing, and a single character can contain several meanings.

Xue Ming is the kind of person who likes to get to the bottom of things.

He understood what Uncle Zhengchu meant when he said "no," and he also understood what he meant when he said "yes."

But saying "yes" probably involves hesitation and uncertainty; they don't want to leave any unclear or ambiguous fate before the young man sets off.

Zhengchu handed Xue Ming a glass of wine, then drank it alone without clinking glasses.

He was just watching the lyrics of an MTV playing on the scorching hot TV.

He went to see Mr. Chen, who was equally passionate, and witnessed his frenzy and debauchery as he gripped the metal microphone under the colorful lights.

He looked at many, many places: the table, the sleeping Su Xingchen, and Ye Bei, who was busy explaining things to his wife on the phone.

He looked at these strangers and saw much kindness and warmth.

He rarely looked at Jiang Xueming, just like a student who wouldn't look the teacher in the eye when about to take an exam, feeling guilty.

Xue Ming was as straightforward as a knife; he stared intently into Uncle Zhengchu's eyes.

"If you don't want to talk about it, then forget it. Let's drink."

Zhengchu downed the entire can of beer in one gulp. "Thank you."

Xue Ming drank along with him, then opened the next can and handed it over.

Zhengchu took it and immediately said, "Thank you. Thank you."

Xue Ming said as he drank, "You're welcome."

Zhengchu then asked, "You won't get drunk, will you?"

Xue Ming replied, "It's the same as drinking water."

After playing "The Internationale," Mr. Chen, this karaoke enthusiast, seemed to have gotten addicted to singing. Finally remembering his mother tongue, he started to challenge himself, choosing the rather difficult songs by Celine Dion and Guns N' Roses.

Mr. Chen's shrill falsetto, wailing and howling, made the father and son's teeth ache; their cochlear cartilages vibrated along with their mouths and noses, as if it were an exorcism.

However, the 6% alcohol content is enough to make the sound negligible.

So they continued drinking and talking.

"Uncle Zhengchu, you said you're going to Guiyang? The fish there is delicious—a classmate of mine made it for me in the dorm when I was in high school. You should try it."

They started talking about life, about mundane, tasteless things, like plain water.

"Sure, I'll go eat there if I have some spare money."

"If we can't find it, how about we go to Yunnan? My sister has always wanted to go there; maybe we can go together sometime?"

Okay, I'll leave my phone number with you.

"It must be tough traveling alone, right? I often travel alone too. But it became much easier after I found travel companions, and I could sleep more soundly in the car."

"It is indeed hard work. My main concern is encountering wild animals while resting at night. I usually drive the tractor all night and sleep in the villages, towns, or cities in the morning. This is safer, and there are more places to take shelter from the rain."

Aren't you afraid of encountering danger while traveling at night?

"There's no danger at all. At most, you might encounter a ghost. The tractor is loud and powerful, very imposing—it scares everything away. It doesn't seem to care about hitting anyone. You can hear the diesel engine from over a hundred meters away."

"I also really like diesel engines. They are powerful, and large trucks also use diesel engines."

"If you're interested, I can talk to you about it later. I've been repairing diesel engines for over forty years. Before I went to work in the steel mill, I studied to be a fitter."

"Okay, I'll definitely do it next time!"

"Okay, I'll definitely do it next time."

At that very moment--

A stunningly beautiful woman, dressed in flamboyant attire, barged into the KTV room.

Xue Ming had met her before; she was Ye Bei's lover.

Then his sister-in -Bu Liuxing strode in, grabbed Ye Bei's ear, and started yelling and cursing at him.

"You're fucking fooling around with men again! You..."

Halfway through the conversation, the Ye family's daughter-in-law and several guests instantly changed their expressions.

Happy New Year!

Then he immediately transformed into a ferocious-looking man and roared at Ye Bei.

"You seem to have plenty of free time! You're clearly very free, aren't you? And you said you didn't have time for me? How old are you?"

When Su Xingchen woke up, he called out to his sister-in-law, "Let's give this kid some face."

"Shut up! You're the one who's been flirting with him the most!" The sister-in-law dragged the yelling Ye Bei out the door.

The Qiongqi beast Qiongqi followed behind, covering its mouth and muttering to itself while its eyes gleamed.

"Oh! Oh my! My ears have grown longer, how amazing!"

In no time, they disappeared.

Su Xingchen simply sighed and went back to sleep.

Throughout the song, Chen Maiba was focused on tackling several difficult high notes, completely ignoring his brother's misfortune. He seemed to be investing a lot of emotion, recalling many stories and old friends from years ago, without displaying any technical skill whatsoever.

Uncle Zhengchu and Xue Ming downed twenty-four cans of Budweiser, their faces only slightly flushed, showing no signs of drunkenness.

Xue Ming said, "I'll be leaving in a bit."

Zhengchu asked, "Don't you need to say goodbye to your older brother? A more formal goodbye?"

"No need. We video call each other every few days to let each other know we're safe."

"Then you'd better watch out, because one day your sister-in-law might come and pull your ear."

Hahahaha.

"Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha!"

The laughter gradually subsided.

Uncle Zhengchu sighed.

"I haven't asked your name yet. They call you Xue Ming, Jiang Xueming, right?"

"That's right."

"It's a beautiful name, like the one the mother chose, hoping the child will always be fair, bright, and cheerful."

"It was a name my adoptive parents asked a fortune teller to give me; I've forgotten my original name."

"Really? Do you like it?"

"I wouldn't say I like it. I just respond when someone calls my name. There's no other meaning behind it. It's that simple."

What's your sister's name?

"Bailu".

"It's the harvest season. That's good."

"Uncle, did your parents have any particular beliefs or traditions when they named you?"

"No, when our ancestors named their siblings, they would go to the ancestral hall or temple to have their names written in the family genealogy to determine seniority. I belong to the Zheng generation, so my father gave me the character [Chu]. My two older brothers are Zhengguo and Zhengwei. My sisters are Zhengfang, Zhenghua, and Zhengmei —in those days, these were very common names. Zheng Chu was relatively rare."

"Take it apart, and you'll find clothes and knives. It's like being ready to set off at any moment, ready to fight at any moment, constantly packing luggage and equipment—it sounds like someone is always busy and on the go."

"Such a good thing? Hahahaha, thank you so much! You're so cultured!"

"Don't even mention that. Before I got to Brother Ye Bei's house, I overheard two strange girls describing me like that—it was incredibly awkward."

Does your girlfriend know?

How could I dare tell her about this?

"Won't she beat you up?"

"She can't stop herself; she might hurt someone."

When are you planning to get married?

"I don't know, I really don't know."

"Hurry up, don't keep me waiting too long."

At this point, Xue Ming looked at Uncle Zhengchu in surprise.

Zhengchu suddenly realized his mistake and finally felt he had been impolite.

"I'm sorry, I think my son is about the same age as you, and I didn't immediately realize what was happening. So I started lecturing you and urging you on—I shouldn't have said that."

"It doesn't matter."

"I just wanted to say that if I wait too long, like you said before that you don't think about settling down until you're 24, I'll be over 60. I'm afraid that my body will get too old, I won't be able to walk or travel that far, and I won't be able to attend your wedding—that's when I start to panic."

"Uncle, you're very healthy. If you quit smoking, you'll live to be at least a hundred. You can even go up the mountain to hunt tigers when you're ninety."

"Hahaha! Thank you for your kind words."

After a long pause, Xue Ming suddenly asked—

"--Will you continue the search?"

"What are you looking for?"

That's all.

At this moment, it's unclear whether he was drunk or genuinely indifferent to the search for his family.

Uncle Zhengchu's answer put Xue Ming at ease.

Half a minute later, Uncle Zhengchu finally snapped out of his blushing state and realized what Xue Ming had asked.

"Oh! You mean you're looking for your son, right?"

"Yes."

"Let's see, let's see."

The simple phrase "[look again]" is difficult to interpret in the context of Chinese.

Xue Ming hated these neutral words; they were like lubricants, making people slick, cunning, and mercenary.

These are not clear answers; they are more like delays and perfunctory responses.

"I don't understand."

"It depends. If you really are my child, I haven't even figured out what to do yet. I'm not ready to cry or laugh—we'll see. I think it's the same for you running on the railway. When you go to an unfamiliar place, you always take it one step at a time, and only move forward after you've seen and understood everything clearly."

"So that's how it is?"

"Yes, that's right. The character for 'person' is written like that too. First, you take one leg out, but you can't lift your right leg immediately. You can only move forward after you've stabilized your stance."

This is another interpretation of "[person]" besides Brother Ye Bei's explanation.

Xue Ming still cared a lot and was very persistent.

What if we still can't find it?

"Oh, my little darling—I said from the beginning that this is my hobby. Very few people can turn their hobby into a lifelong career, and I'm already very content. If I were to really stop, I would feel empty inside. I've made so many friends along the way, and every year I can visit them at their homes to chat about what's happened and the people I've met along the way. Actually, I've never had any expectations about finding my relatives. After all, there are so many people in China. Let alone eighteen years, even if I spent thirty-eight or forty-eight years, I might not be able to recognize everyone."

"Really."

"So I never felt that this path was difficult. The same goes for hobbies. If someone is practicing an instrument, playing games, skateboarding, singing, or dancing, and all that's left of these hobbies is pain, they probably won't be able to stick with it."

"Very nice."

"Right? I told you it was great. I like this feeling and never care about the outcome. Helping other victims like me find their babies, and causing trouble for human traffickers, are also my hobbies."

"It's really good."

Xue Ming stood up, ready to leave. He had already booked tickets on his phone to go back to Shanwei to pick up Xiao Qi, and then they would go back to Hong Kong together.

"I have to go, Uncle Zhengchu."

Zhengchu handed over the last can of wine on the table.

"Don't leave with regrets, finish your drink before you go."

Xue Ming took it and drank it all in one gulp.

"Good!"

There was no farewell, no goodbye.

Xue Ming went to the bathroom to wash her face, looked up at herself in the mirror, and felt a sense of relief.

After the young man left, Uncle Zhengchu immediately nudged Su Xingchen, who was pretending to be asleep.

"Young man, stop pretending to be asleep and get up to tell us."

Su Xingchen immediately stood up.

"Uncle, I'm listening."

Zheng Chu scratched his head, looking embarrassed. "I'm sorry to have troubled you all today, especially Mr. Ye Bei. I caused him a lot of trouble. Please apologize to him, his wife, and me."

Su Xingchen pursed her lips. "It's nothing, don't take it to heart. Speaking of Xue Ming, do you really consider him your own son?"

Zheng Chu shook his head. "I don't know. TV dramas always say that blood ties have a kind of Inspiration connection, like when a child is in danger or the parents are seriously ill, they feel uneasy about each other. I don't feel that way. Maybe what they say on TV is fake—there's no such thing as Inspiration in the world."

Su Xingchen chuckled and teased, "If you have this kind of Inspiration, you should see a doctor instead of worrying about your children."

Zhengchu immediately burst into laughter.

"Yes, you're right."

Su Xingchen then changed the subject.

"Should we do a paternity test?"

Zhengchu stretched out his hand, allowing Xingchen to draw blood.

"Of course I want it—otherwise, what have I been working so hard for all these years?"

After a brief period of pain, there was a heart full of anticipation and hope.

At the same time, it's time to embark on a new journey, to the next place, to meet the next person.

After drawing blood, Su Xingchen immediately said, "I'll arrange it; it should be done within a week."

"Don't rush." Zhengchu immediately said, "Don't rush. You can talk to the people around him first, discuss it with them, and see if you want to tell us—I beg you, let me travel a little further, get to know more people. China is so big, I still have more than twenty cities to go before I'm done. It should be another three years or so, I estimate around that time. By then, Xue Ming should be getting married too. Whether he's my son or not, I'll come to drink with him."

Uncle Zhengchu ran to the door, looked out, and only after confirming that Xue Ming had gone far away and entered the elevator did he return to sing and play with Mr. Chen, wanting to put down all the airs of an elder and release all the pressure.

While singing "Ice Rain," he seemed to be thinking about his ex-wife.

When he sings "Stupid Kid," he always roars out a powerful and fierce angry tone.

When singing Jonathan Lee's "Old Scumbag Love Songs," he also sheds tears and his voice cracks.

It's difficult to recount the events of the past ten years in just a few hours.

Su Xingchen looked at Uncle Zhengchu thoughtfully.

He didn't understand the deeper meaning behind this mysterious ritual.

Perhaps only the wind remembers this ancient story.

Jiang Xueming stood in front of the platform, her bright eyes looking at the equally bright platform lights.

He had always enjoyed this feeling, setting off at nightfall to savor the quiet and solitude alone.

In the chilly early spring, the train is least crowded and quietest in the early morning hours.

He hummed an old song softly, a song his high school classmates often sang, but few of them understood the lyrics.

Like his mentor David Victor's self-proclaimed title, the song is called "Outlaw" and is a work by Super Band.

"Let it go, we only live once."