[Everyone Is Good Friends: Who are you?]
Unlike her warm greeting just now, those three words seemed to carry Kushida Kikyou's icy accusation.
[Jiji Fu Jiji: Hey, this is the Advanced Nurturing Student Council.]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: Student Council my ass! Who are you?! Tell me!]
"..."
Cha Cha.
I'm sorry. I just realized I still like the you who fusses over me in that sweet voice and even sends me goodies. Could you go back to being that person?
How had that sweet, soft-spoken girl turned into such a foul-mouthed delinquent?
"Thud—!"
A muffled sound rang out in front of Mikage Touji. He looked up, and under the ramen chef's friendly gaze, a cloud of steaming white vapor billowed toward him. A spicy smell shot straight up his nose.
As the vapor cleared, white noodles bobbed in a pool of lava. Spicy seasonings of every kind rose and fell like people struggling and wailing in the magma. It was a hellish painting!
Cold sweat instantly poured down Mikage Touji's face. He turned mechanically. "Are you trying to kill me?"
"As human beings, we should charge forward without hesitation and never fear a challenge." Morishita Ran launched into her usual twisted logic, then glanced at Mikage Touji's phone and muttered, "Well, you were looking at your phone instead of ordering."
"Then why didn't you order the same thing?"
Mikage Touji pointed at Morishita Ran's bland-looking chicken-broth ramen and demanded an answer.
"Mikage Touji, you should be grateful that Lady Morishita ordered something for you. This is the first time anyone's ever had the pleasure of my service. Say thank you!"
"Please answer my question directly!"
"...What a hopeless pervert. Making a girl like me try something like that. You really are cold and heartless."
"..." You do remember you're a girl, right? Weren't you the one who ordered this the first time we came here?
Faced with Morishita Ran's flexible moral standards, Mikage Touji felt he might never win an argument with her.
So he decided to take action instead!
Before any of the three had picked up their chopsticks, Mikage Touji grabbed his, lifted them, moved in, and pulled back.
In a flash, he transferred a huge clump of noodles into Morishita Ran's chicken-broth ramen, then swiftly scooped a clump of hers into his own bowl.
A crazed grin spread across his face. "Morishita Ran, let's go to hell together."
It all happened so fast that Morishita Ran hadn't even realized her ramen had turned red.
She silently watched the bright-red chili oil spread across the center of her noodles.
Without the slightest hesitation, Morishita Ran copied Mikage Touji's move and transferred some of her ramen to Yamamura Miki's bowl, mercilessly ruining it.
"Yamamura Miki, let's take a joyride to the end of hell together!"
"Huh?!"
In the end, the three of them sat with their chopsticks poised over the bright-red ramen before them, plunged into deathly silence.
A few minutes later.
Mikage Touji quietly glanced at the two, who had already started trying their noodles, and decided to wait and see.
Once diluted by the broth, the difference in spice level between Yamamura Miki's, Morishita Ran's, and his own ramen was probably medium, extra hot, and insane hot plus. He wasn't ready to die just yet.
The phone on the table vibrated again and again. Kushida Kikyou was growing more and more impatient.
[Everyone Is Good Friends: Where are you? Come out! Where the hell did you go?!]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: You're the kind of noncombustible trash that only hides in dark corners. You must be staring at my body with those disgusting little rat eyes all the time.]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: Get your paws out of the gutter already!]
Holy crap, personal attacks?
Was he supposed to put up with that? Absolutely not!
I tried to get along with you as a member of the student council, and all I got in return was abuse.
Time to bring out the keyboard!
[Jiji Fu Jiji: LOL~ You really want to know who I am that badly? (Smug)]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: LOL your ass! Is that the funeral music for dancing on your grave?]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: You're a cyber gutter rat who wouldn't dare say a word in real life. All you can do is hide your shaking hands behind stickers.]
[Jiji Fu Jiji: Getting worked up? Afraid people will find out what you're really like?]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: Worked up? Do you need me to book you a crematorium slot? I'm appreciating the diversity of life!]
[Jiji Fu Jiji: So this is what the first-year's popular beauty is really like. Please, continue the show.]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: A show? Your whole family's performance in their memorial portraits was truly spectacular! You're so broke you have to mooch a free VPN trial, and you think you can get attention from me?]
Gradually, Mikage Touji began to realize something was wrong.
Holy crap, how'd I get obliterated the moment I showed up?
Why was she firing off insults like a machine gun? How could she type that fast? I sent one message and she sent three?
No way! Again!
Unwilling to accept defeat, Mikage Touji charged back into the fray!
Three minutes later, Mikage Touji was blown out of the fight again, questioning his whole life.
He silently handed his phone to Morishita Ran. "Use your flexible moral standards and keyboard her to death for me!"
Morishita Ran glanced at the chat, then looked at Mikage Touji with pity. "All right. Since you're begging me so earnestly..."
Another three minutes passed. Morishita Ran, her face dark, silently handed the phone to Yamamura Miki. "Yamamura Miki, you're up. Take her down!"
"Huh? I don't know how. I've never insulted anyone before."
"That's okay. Don't worry about what she says. She says whatever she wants, and you insult her however you want." Mikage Touji offered his advice.
"Then... I'll give it a try."
In the end, the three of them leaned back in their chairs and stared blankly at the ceiling.
Yamamura Miki: "She's so scary."
Mikage Touji: "I envy her typing speed."
Morishita Ran: "An Advanced Nurturing touch-type monster."
Meanwhile, elsewhere.
Even though the other person had stopped replying altogether, Kushida Kikyou kept going.
[Everyone Is Good Friends: Where are you? Get out here! Is your mom dead? Is your dad dead too?]
A long while later, the other person finally managed to send a reply.
[Jiji Fu Jiji: I'm not at my best today. Next time, I'll cut you down!]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: No need to wait until next time. I'll cut your dog's head off right now!]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: Come on! Did you die too?]
After another period of silence, Kushida Kikyou confirmed she'd won the flame war and broke into a genuinely delighted smile.
A joy unlike anything she'd ever felt welled up inside her and surged through her whole body, making her feel as though she'd been cleansed from the inside out.
Still not satisfied, Kushida Kikyou sent one more message.
[Everyone Is Good Friends: When's "next time"? Tell me the date you're going to die!]
[Everyone Is Good Friends: Student Council, get out here!]
After waiting a long while and getting no response, Kushida Kikyou reluctantly slipped her phone back into her pocket.
Wait!
Kushida Kikyou froze.
Hadn't she forgotten something?
Oh, well!
She tilted her head and thought about it for a while, but couldn't figure it out. Feeling refreshed, Kushida Kikyou grabbed her little shoulder bag and skipped off in tiny, cheerful steps, like a little rabbit heading to meet her friends.
### Fūka-senpai Turns Up the Heat
The next morning was another weekend.
As the alarm on the phone by his bed went off for the third time, Mikage Touji rolled over and groped around the bedside with difficulty until he found it and silenced it. He flailed around in bed a few more times before finally pushing himself upright.
He sat there half-awake, staring blankly for a while, then rubbed his messy hair and let out a long yawn.
Cha Cha!
That woman was way too strong. His beloved Six Arts of a Gentleman hadn't even lasted one round against her! In the end, all he could do was flee after threatening her like an elementary school kid: "You'd better not leave after school!"
It was a complete disgrace!
He picked up his phone and opened last night's anonymous account. After hesitating for a moment, he cautiously nudged his finger across the screen and sent a provocative message.
Within just a dozen seconds, a torrent of abuse seemed to spill out of the screen and burrow into his mind.
Good grief, that woman was terrifying!
She was a hardcore netizen, lying in wait to ambush him. The second he showed his face, she took him out.
And at this hour, had she set up some kind of special notification for his messages? She hadn't even asked who he was again. She was completely focused on insulting him to death.
Mikage Touji ran his finger over the phone screen. Should he delete her?
Strictly speaking, he'd already achieved his original goal. Now that Cha Cha knew someone might find out what she was doing, she probably wouldn't kick the rail so recklessly again.
But he still couldn't let it go. Three against one, and they'd still been counter-killed? What kind of game were they playing?!
Just thinking about it made Mikage Touji clench his fists. He wanted to open his phone and trade insults with her again.
Then he saw row after row of insults straight out of the internet's gutter...
Mikage Touji silently turned off the screen.
But then again, wasn't it admirable to calmly admit that there were some things he couldn't do as well as his opponent?
In the end, Mikage Touji decided to let her off for now. After spending some time training in seclusion, he'd use her to grind a few levels. Once he returned to the realm of the Land Keyboard Immortal, he'd take her out with a single move.
That was what you did when you won: launch a counterattack and settle the score. When you lost: hold a grudge.
After tossing her one more message like bait for a fish, Mikage Touji quickly logged off, leaving Kushida Kikyou to attack empty air. That was the best plan of the Thirty-Six Stratagems: retreat.
After dealing with Kushida Kikyou, Mikage Touji got out of bed and washed up. He grabbed a quick bite to finish breakfast, then began tidying his room, putting away everything that belonged there and everything that didn't.
That was right.
There was only one reason a boy would set three alarms to get out of bed, then tidy up his cozy little den so it was perfectly suited to his tastes: an unexpected visitor at home (crossed out)—a guest was coming over.
Heaven knew why his senpai had chosen not to meet at some ideal study spot like a library or café, and had instead decided to wreak havoc in his little nest.
But, going by what she'd say, it was probably just "Because I feel like it." In a way, she and Morishita Ran really were a bit alike.
After tidying up, Mikage Touji specially brought out the tea set he'd bought for five thousand yen. Normally, there was no one around, and he didn't have to go to the trouble of preparing to entertain guests.
He'd never expected his senpai to break with convention and barrel into his life like a dump truck, knocking both him and his home flying.
After Mikage Touji had made his third trip to the bathroom, the doorbell rang without the slightest courtesy: "Ding-dong, ding-dong."
Mikage Touji opened the door and stood in the entrance. With utmost solemnity, he said, "Senpai, let's go somewhere else to study. It wouldn't look good if word got out that a girl had gone into a boy's room. We can go shopping together afterward."
Yes, he was still making one last desperate attempt. After all, this was the only peaceful corner of his life that hadn't been ruined.
"You really shouldn't be so hesitant. That's a demerit with me, and do you think I care what other people think?"
Kiryūin Fūka flicked her white hair and shoved Mikage Touji out of the way, barging forcefully into his little nest.
Hanging her bag by the door, Kiryūin Fūka put one hand on her hip and surveyed Mikage Touji's room, like a leopardess inspecting her new territory.
"Oh..." Kiryūin Fūka drew out the sound, then looked at Mikage Touji teasingly. "You've actually tidied your room so well. Are you afraid I'll find something I shouldn't?"
Before you continue