Memories (4)

"Hungry..." she whispered, the word so faint and muddled it sounded like a murmur in her sleep, or a plea from her most basic instincts. All her manners, restraint, and fear of the unfamiliar surroundings were teetering on the brink, swept away by the most primitive, desperate hunger. She wanted to eat so badly, to stuff the steaming, fluffy char siu bun into her mouth right now.

Yun Lan had already taken his seat and witnessed it all. He said nothing, only picked up the serving chopsticks and placed a plump char siu bun on the little empty plate in front of Yi Xuan.

"Eat while it's hot. Make yourselves at home. I brought you back, so I'll take care of you." My voice was calm and quiet as usual, but it sounded like permission, shattering the little girl's last shred of restraint in an instant.

Yi Xuan jerked her head up, looking from the bun to Yun Lan. A glow of astonished joy and gratitude blazed in her eyes. She practically threw herself into the chair, carefully picked up the still-hot bun, and, forgetting everything else, took a huge bite.

Yi Jiang sat upright beside the dining table, her back as straight as a rod as she tried to preserve what little remained of her dignity as an "older sister." But the corner of her golden eye kept drifting helplessly across the table—her little sister, Yi Xuan, was holding a steaming char siu bun and taking little bites from the soft dough, revealing the rich, brown filling, marbled with lean and fatty meat. Greasy juices trickled down her fair fingers. She didn't mind at all, sticking out her tongue to lick them, her crimson eyes narrowing in satisfaction as she let out a muffled, blissful whimper.

(She has the worst table manners...) Yi Jiang silently scolded her, her little face stiffening even more. She told herself she had to behave properly, at the very least not embarrass herself by acting like she'd never eaten before in front of the strange young man who had picked them up out of the snow. They might be down on their luck, but... but they still had to keep some dignity, didn't they?

But the aroma was too overpowering.

The rich taste of pork, the sweet-salty sauce, the distinctive wheaty fragrance of dough that had been fermented and steamed—all of it mingled with the scalding steam and rushed into her nostrils, stirring an empty stomach she couldn't remember how long she'd had. Her stomach gave a clear, almost cramping growl, reminding her that her last proper meal was a distant, hazy memory. Her mouth filled with saliva. She secretly swallowed, but heard the faint movement in her own throat as clearly as could be.

She sneaked a glance at Yun Lan, sitting silently in a chair nearby. His expression was calm, his gaze resting on the heavy snow still swirling outside the window, as if he weren't paying them any particular attention. Yet the calmer he seemed, the more Yi Jiang felt that his peaceful gaze could see right through everything, piercing her and laying bare the fierce struggle raging inside her.

The high wall built by reason began to crack before the body's most primitive desire. Her sister took another big bite, the sound of her chewing like the sweetest drumbeat to Yi Jiang. The golden, glistening filling, the soft white dough... She had never known such warm, substantial food. The icy streets, the biting wind, the endless hunger and fear... The steam rising from this simple food seemed to drive back by an inch the darkness that had nearly swallowed them whole.

(Just... just one.) A faint voice spoke inside her. (After all he's done, surely it's all right to eat one? He... he doesn't look like the kind of person who'd get angry over a little food.)

(But...)

(It smells so good... I'm really so hungry...)

Desire wound around her last vestiges of resolve like a vine, tightening its grip. Her ramrod-straight back relaxed by an almost imperceptible degree. The fingers she had kept primly on her lap curled and uncurled unconsciously, their tips lifting a few millimeters toward the plate of irresistibly tempting buns.

Yi Xuan finished one, licked her fingers, and reached for a second. Her bright crimson eyes turned to her sister as she said, mouth full, "Sis... eat! So good!" Her guileless enjoyment of the food became the last straw for Yi Jiang.

All thoughts of restraint, dignity, and the impression she might make on a stranger... In the face of her instinct to survive and the warmth within reach, they all fell apart.

In the end, desire won out over reason.

The last glimmer of struggle faded from Yi Jiang's usually wary, restrained golden eyes, replaced by a desperate, nothing-left-to-lose determination and the urgency kindled by hunger. She stopped hesitating and thrust out her hand—so hastily that the gesture was almost crude—and snatched the biggest char siu bun she could find from the steamer, where it was still warm.

The warmth seeped through the dough into her cold fingertips, making her shiver slightly. She could no longer care about anything else. Like her sister, she lowered her head, opened her mouth, and sank her teeth into the soft white dough—

Rich juices burst across her tongue. The sweet-salty, savory flavor swept over her taste buds, the warm, hearty filling filled her mouth, and the soft dough carried the sweetness of grain. That bite was more than food. It was a warm current that unexpectedly swept away all her defenses and flowed straight into the depths of her frozen, numb soul.

She kept her head down, her golden eyelashes fluttering a few times as her bites gradually changed from ravenous to careful and appreciative. Her once-straight shoulders relaxed completely without her noticing, curling in a posture that was at once self-protective and utterly absorbed. Unlike her sister, she made no satisfied sounds. She simply ate in silence and with single-minded focus, bite after bite, as if trying to lock this sudden warmth and fullness inside her body.

I watched them.

Yi Xuan was beyond words. Her little face was practically buried in her bowl, her crimson eyes happily narrowed as she let out little animal-like whimpers now and then. Her cheeks were stuffed, her face shining with grease. Even Yi Jiang, who had been forcing herself to stay composed and sit up straight, had now abandoned that fragile bit of resolve. She clutched the bun in her little hands and bent her head to nibble at it intently. Her golden eyelashes drooped, fluttering lightly with every bite, and her little mouth bulged slightly at the corners, flecked with grease. She was trying hard to eat more elegantly, but the speed at which she wolfed it down gave away the hunger she had been suppressing for so long.

Their wariness and unease from when they had first come inside had faded, leaving only the most primitive, immediate satisfaction. Once their dirty little faces were washed, their fair skin showed through. Their damp white hair was wrapped in towels, making them look like two little beasts who had finally found shelter and dared to relax and groom themselves.

(They're kind of cute.)

The thought came naturally, without any ulterior motive, just a simple observation. They really did have unusual features: golden and crimson eyes, hair as white as snow. Even in such a bedraggled state, they couldn't hide a strange, almost otherworldly delicacy. Now, utterly defenseless and lost in their food, they looked all the more touchingly young.