Karuizawa Kei's Monologue

(Karuizawa)

I look cute on the outside—that much is beyond doubt. I was even the core of my class in elementary and middle school, the lively center of attention. What I never expected was that someone like me would end up being bullied by my classmates.

Originally, because of my strong personality, I earned the trust of the girls around me.

At the same time, that same strong personality and behavior made some other girls resent me.

At first, it was just small skirmishes. Rumors would circulate in class, or they'd rally classmates to ostracize me.

This was unavoidable. After all, that's just how I am.

It's impossible not to make enemies, right? If I stood by and watched them bully other girls without lifting a finger, then when they turned on me, would anyone like me be willing to help?

Because I fought back, the bullying gradually shifted toward me.

They'd shove animal carcasses into my desk drawer, or hide nails in my indoor shoes.

It kept getting worse...

Even so, as long as I was careful, I managed to keep them from succeeding.

But I never expected that a girl I trusted would personally lead me to a secluded path near the school after class.

"Karuizawa-san, could you come with me after school?"

"Sure."

This place was clearly a hangout for delinquents...

The flash from a camera not far away stabbed into my eyes.

"Karuizawa Kei, you're pretty stubborn, huh. The usual methods for dealing with other girls don't seem to be getting through to you."

"There are only two or three semesters left until graduation, and your social practice class is seriously failing in our book."

"I'm talking to you. What are you spacing out for?"

"We specially called you here for some remedial lessons."

I was a bit shocked as I looked at Sai Nai beside me.

I had helped her stop being bullied at school, and yet she...

"I'm sorry. I, I was threatened. They said if I didn't bring you here, it wouldn't just be me—they'd go after my little sister in elementary school too."

Sai Nai said with her head lowered, and the girls all laughed openly.

"You can get lost now."

They pointed at Sai Nai.

Sai Nai bit her lip, glanced at me, then lowered her head and left.

I don't want to recall what happened after that. Every time I think back on that encounter, I can't stop myself from wanting to throw up.

Especially that scar.

An ordinary knife scar, but it's so ugly and filthy.

The delicate skin was sliced open by the sharp blade, leaving a mark.

And along with it, my heart was cut too.

I've always refused to accept this fact, but the intense pain tells me it's really there on my side.

I was in despair. I took a week off from school, hiding at home, afraid to go out.

I hated it.

I hated my own powerlessness.

I looked down on associating with those guys, but they didn't see it that way. They clung to those boys, strutting around campus and throwing their weight around. I wanted to stand up for the girls being oppressed, but instead, I became the worst victim of bullying.

I hated it...

I hated my own weakness. Even when I was suffocating under the pressure, I still held onto the thought, "Maybe this will be the last time," trying to bear it all silently. But what came next was even worse bullying.

From then on, the relentless oppression crashed over me like a tide—whether from those who hated me personally or those forced to join in.

In short, it's a memory I don't have the courage to face.

Out of self-abandonment, I climbed to the rooftop.

"Maybe I should just end it here," I told myself.

But when I stood at the edge of the rooftop and tried to take a step forward...

I chickened out.

All I could do was drift through my days in a daze, clinging to hope.

I haven't been living without purpose since enrolling.

Enjoying school life—that priority isn't exactly at the top of my list.

The reason, after all, was simply that I didn't want to face that kind of situation again.

The thumbtacks on the seat, the animal carcasses in the desk, the endless rumors, and the scar on my side.

At first, I didn't judge others with the worst possible intent.

Surely they couldn't be completely devoid of conscience—we were all just middle school students.

But even after graduation, I couldn't escape my misfortune.

Tokyo Metropolitan Nurturing High School—maybe it could pull me out of this sea of suffering.

But on the other hand, with a school this prestigious, what right did I have to be admitted?

My grades hadn't been bad before, but the bullying kept me from ever focusing properly.

Even if the chance was slim, I had to try, didn't I?

That said, I didn't hold out much hope.

It was just a drowning person spotting a floating log—even if it couldn't change the outcome, they'd still reach for it.

But even that faint hope had come true for me, and somehow that gave me a shred of courage.

I wanted to find a way to change, to change myself.

I paid back every bit of that bullying past in full. The process was a little harrowing, but I managed it without a hitch.

Yet even after getting my revenge, the shadow it left behind refused to heal.

I never wanted to experience it again, not even once.

This kind of bullied life...