Erlang Shen Was Truly Vile

"Master, I'm entrusting this painting to you. Please be sure to keep it safe."

"Don't worry."

Lu Bian used the Chat Group's photo feature to take a picture of the Third Holy Mother's portrait and upload it to the chat. It would be more convenient to keep the photo of her portrait open in the Chat Group while he carved, since then it would always be right before his eyes.

He was worried that constantly carving while looking at the Third Holy Mother's portrait in person might cause some sort of misunderstanding.

In Journey to the West, Erlang Shen's name was used as an adjective to praise a man's handsome appearance.

Erlang Shen was the most handsome man in the Three Realms.

And the Third Holy Mother was Erlang Shen's younger sister. Her beauty ranked among the very best of all the female immortals and goddesses in the Three Realms.

The first time Lu Bian saw the portrait Liu Yanchang had painted of the Third Holy Mother, he was stunned by her beauty. The second time he looked, she seemed perfectly ordinary. But when he looked a third time... an indescribable feeling stirred in Lu Bian's heart.

Back in school, most boys had, to some degree, a secret crush—a moonlight-white figure they held dear. Seeing the Third Holy Mother for the third time brought Lu Bian back to the green days of his youth.

His heart took a long time to settle.

Shi Tianwu: [Who's this?]

Shi Tianwu saw that Lu Bian had posted a picture in the Chat Group. After opening it to examine it closely, he was also struck with shock.

Kakashi Hatake: [Got any more? Send more, I like looking at her.]

Lu Bian: [This is the only portrait.]

Lu Bian: [She's a goddess from my world—a real goddess from the Heavenly Court. Her name is the Third Holy Mother. We have to show her respect.]

Shi Tianwu: [Respect.]

Kakashi Hatake: [Respect.]

Shi Tianwu: [Are you going to carve a statue of this Third Holy Mother this time?]

Lu Bian: [That's right. The old man who hired me has nearly emptied his retirement savings.]

Shi Tianwu: [Feels like trouble's coming.]

Lu Bian: [I have the same feeling.]

Lu Bian hitched a cart to his Stubborn Donkey and headed outside Luzhou City to look for stone suitable for carving.

The stones were all in the mountains, so Lu Bian went into the hills, his donkey cart rolling along the foot of the mountain.

Ding~~!

The Earth-Shrinking Jade Talisman gave a notification, telling Lu Bian there was a Land God temple not far ahead.

Following the Earth-Shrinking Jade Talisman's directions, Lu Bian found a small, squat Land God temple.

Someone had cleaned the temple, and it had offerings and incense. It was treated completely differently from the Land God temples Lu Bian had encountered outside the Great Song Kingdom.

"Land God..."

Lu Bian held the Green Earth-Shrinking Talisman and called out the local Land God.

"Esteemed sir, what business do you have with this old man?"

A puff of white smoke rose, and the Land God appeared. He was no taller than Lu Bian's knee.

"I'm looking for stone. I need some to carve a statue of a god," Lu Bian said.

"I won't ask you to do this for nothing."

"Land God, how about a string of cash? I'll need a lot of stones."

"Of course, of course. I'll find them for you. It's only stone; there's as much of it as you could ever want. Once you've finished the statue, this old man will be able to bask in some of its glory, too."

The Land God sank into the ground and disappeared.

Lu Bian waited beside the temple.

Half an hour later, the Land God brought him two large blocks of suitable stone.

"Have a look first, sir. If you're not satisfied, leave them here and I'll find some more until you are."

"I'll take these two for now. I'll come back in a few days. Keep setting aside more stones for me."

"All right."

Working with the local Land God was a very pleasant experience.

"Esteemed sir, these stones are extremely heavy. Why not tell this old man where you'll be carving the statue? I can deliver them to you at night."

"That would be great. Sorry for the trouble."

"It's no trouble at all! Moving a few stones is the simplest thing in the world for us Land Gods."

"..."

Lu Bian led the donkey on a stroll through the mountains, then returned with an empty cart. He considered it a chance to let his silly donkey get out and enjoy some fresh air.

That night, the Land God indeed delivered the two large blocks of stone to Lu Bian, at a courtyard on the outskirts of Luzhou City.

First thing the next morning, Lu Bian began carving.

The courtyard where he worked was rather quiet, so the noise from his carving wouldn't disturb the neighbors.

The old man often came to check on Lu Bian's progress, and regularly sent servants over with meat and wine.

After seven days, the Third Holy Mother's stone statue had begun to take shape.

After nine days, the spirit captured in the Third Holy Mother's portrait had emerged in the stone statue.

Another twelve days passed. Just as Lu Bian was about to finish the statue of the Third Holy Mother, his carving tool lightly struck the statue—and a huge crack appeared in the stone. It spread across the statue in an instant, and the nearly completed statue of the Third Holy Mother was destroyed in the blink of an eye.

It broke!

It shattered into heaps of stone fragments.

"How could this happen?"

"All right, then. I'll just start again."

The Land God had found more than a dozen blocks of stone for Lu Bian. So far, he had only ruined one of them.

Lu Bian started over from scratch.

The second time around, Lu Bian carved faster than before, and he worked the details of the Third Holy Mother's statue more finely. Even halfway through, the second attempt looked better than the first one had at the halfway point.

Ding!

Bang—!!

Crack...

It shattered.

It had shattered again.

This time, the ground suddenly softened, making the nearly completed statue of the Third Holy Mother topple over. It struck a nearby block of stone, which fell and hit the next one. In an instant, the place turned into a gigantic domino collapse.

The long blocks of stone meant for carving standing statues all snapped in the middle, breaking into several pieces.

All right, Lu Bian was sure now: a god was secretly interfering, stopping him from finishing the statue of the Third Holy Mother.

"How vile."

This second time, not only had the nearly completed statue of the Third Holy Mother been destroyed, but all the unused stone had been ruined, too.

"..."

Lu Bian wanted to say a few things about Erlang Shen, but he could only swallow them down.

He was in Shu Region right now, and Erlang Shen himself lived in Guanjiang Estuary. If Erlang Shen came looking for trouble, he could leave in the morning and be eating at Lu Bian's funeral feast by noon.

"So you won't let me, huh?"

"I've still got a way."

That night, the Land God brought Lu Bian new stone.

Lu Bian was about to begin his third attempt.

This time, he didn't keep working on the Third Holy Mother's statue. Instead, he decided to carve a Buddha statue first.

"Handsome Monkey King of Flower-Fruit Mountain..."

"Son Goku..."

"Pilgrim Sun..."

"Victorious Fighting Buddha..."

"Sun Wukong."

Lu Bian worked day and night to finish the statue of the Victorious Fighting Buddha, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven.

He wore the Phoenix-Wing Purple-Gold Crown, the Chain-Mail Golden Armor, and the Lotus-Silk Cloud-Walking Boots, and gripped the Adamantine Staff in his hand!!

Erlang Shen, what do you think now?

How's the Great Sage's presence?

Does he have the same grandeur he had back when he wreaked havoc in the Heavenly Court?

Now, how are you going to stop me from building a statue of your younger sister, the Third Holy Mother!?

Since you're so "petty," I'll have the Great Sage come and see you make a fool of yourself, too.

Under the gaze of the "Great Sage Equal to Heaven," Lu Bian went on to finish the stone statue of the Third Holy Mother.