Liu Zheng, I'll Fuck Your Uncle

"Human, I'll fuck your uncle."

Accompanied by the French Plane Tree's shrill cries, its branches and leaves rapidly withered and yellowed.

Its face also gained countless wrinkles.

Though it was clearly summer, the French Plane Tree looked as though winter had arrived.

"Hahaha."

Liu Zheng laughed even louder than it screamed.

A favor was a favor, a grudge was a grudge.

The French Plane Tree had set him up so many times. Did it really think he held no grudges?

Liu Zheng had brought Tindalos over precisely to see whether he could scare this tree and vent some frustration.

He hadn't expected it to work so well.

"Now we're even."

He said it with complete satisfaction.

"Stupid human, do you think you're only harming me?"

The anger vanished from the French Plane Tree's face, replaced by an eerie smile.

"What?"

Liu Zheng immediately sensed something was wrong.

But before he could react, the Hound suddenly lowered his head and looked at a patch of black soil.

A piece of bark was stuck in the black soil.

Natasha Marceau was buried beneath it.

"Bravo! Looks like that box of Maotai is going to be wasted."

The French Plane Tree gloated.

"Didn't you promise to keep her safe for me?"

"I did promise to keep her safe, but that was on the condition that it was within my capabilities."

"I'd be lucky just to protect myself from this dog. Asking me to drive it away is impossible, and the rules won't force a tree beyond its limits."

The French Plane Tree said leisurely.

Every time, Liu Zheng had used the rules to screw it over. This time, it was finally its turn to use the rules against this human.

"Stop it for me, and I'll give you another box of Maotai."

Liu Zheng said decisively.

"Even if you gave me another bottle of Vlad III, it'd be useless. I really can't beat it."

The French Plane Tree didn't take the bait.

"Tindalos, come back!"

He tried calling the Hound back, but the Hound ignored him completely.

It was already good enough that it wasn't eating him. Did he really think he was its master?

"Damn it, I've really made a fool of myself this time."

Liu Zheng was rarely so annoyed.

Every previous crisis had been forced upon him, but this time, he had brought the trouble on himself.

"I can hold out for one minute at most. If you can't think of a way within that minute, then consider yourself unlucky."

"I'll tell every bird about your glorious deed and let the whole world know just how stupid you humans are. Hahaha!"

Amid the French Plane Tree's wild laughter, the Hound swept aside the black soil, revealing the root cage underneath.

Through the gaps, a tiny coffin could be seen, along with the tiny corpse inside it.

"Awoo!"

The Hound let out a dissatisfied roar and viciously bit at the roots.

Roots harder than steel were like tofu beneath its sharp teeth.

But every time it bit through one root, another would grow in to replace it, temporarily blocking the Hound.

"What can I do?"

Liu Zheng let out a sigh.

Even the French Plane Tree could only take a beating, let alone him.

He was just a glorified dog walker. Tindalos wasn't going to listen to him at all.

Huh? Obedient?

Liu Zheng suddenly recalled the Miniature Man's two remarks.

"Tindalos is very generous toward people he likes."

"Tindalos is a good dog."

How did wolves become dogs?

He recalled a skinny wolf in Hoh Xil back in the real world that tourists had fed into a fat dog with egg-yolk pies. Apparently, it had even learned to roll over and expose its belly.

Liu Zheng opened the Legendary Delivery Box. Inside was a duplicate serving of "Garlic Mi-go Brain."

A pet should like the food its owner liked, right?

He gritted his teeth and walked to the edge of the black soil.

At the sight, disappointment flashed across the French Plane Tree's face.

"Good dog, it's dinner time."

Liu Zheng tapped the plate with a spoon, producing a crisp sound.

"Awoo?"

The Hound stopped biting and turned back in confusion.

"Fresh brain, just like your master's."

He tempted it.

"Awoo~"

The Hound gave a joyful cry, turned around, and pounced in front of Liu Zheng.

"Sit."

The Hound obediently sat down.

"Shake tentacles."

The Hound extended a paw and sliced Liu Zheng's tentacle into three pieces.

Fine. He'd just assume it hadn't done that on purpose.

"Eat, eat."

Liu Zheng placed the dish on the ground.

The Hound eagerly extended its tongue.

Its hollow tongue tube kept wriggling, and the brain visibly shrank until it finally became nothing more than a thin sheet of skin.

"Awoo, awroo~"

The Hound let out a long howl.

It was obvious that it had enjoyed the meal immensely.

The Hound rubbed its head against Liu Zheng's face, then left the area of black soil.

The heart hanging in his throat finally settled.

"Awoo?"

The Hound raised one paw and pointed at the French Plane Tree.

The French Plane Tree's newly settled heart rose again.

"It? No, no, no. We're not enemies. We're fucking bros. We were just joking around earlier."

Liu Zheng glanced at it with a faintly mocking smile.

"Y-yes, we're fucking bros."

The French Plane Tree wore a fawning smile, furious but not daring to speak out.

"Awoo."

The Hound nodded as though it understood, then spat out a bone.

"Name: Tindalos Chew Toy (Single-use)"

"Type: Item"

"Quality: Excellent"

"Effect: After being thrown, summons a Tindalos Hound for three minutes."

"Note: Please be aware that the summoned one may not necessarily be Tindalos himself."

"Can be taken out of the instance: No"

What a devastating weapon.

Liu Zheng happily picked up the bone.

"Awoo."

Tindalos extended a paw and pointed at the bone whistle around Liu Zheng's neck.

"Ah, I knew it couldn't be that good."

Liu Zheng sighed and untied the bone whistle, handing it to the Hound.

With the bone whistle, this Chew Toy was a guided missile.

Without the Chew Toy, the whistle became a portable nuclear missile launcher.

Its whole philosophy was that everyone dying was the only real death—if you died, he died too.

Although there was a chance of summoning Tindalos, judging by its Excellent Grade rating, that chance clearly wasn't very high.

"Awoo~"

Tindalos patted Liu Zheng's shoulder, then turned into a cloud of smoke and vanished.

"Finally done walking the dog."

He wiped away cold sweat that wasn't there.

"Human, I'm going to fucking kill you!"

The moment the Hound left, the French Plane Tree immediately turned hostile.

Its face twisted as countless roots and branches intertwined toward him like the gaping mouth of an abyss.

"I'm throwing it, you know?"

Liu Zheng raised the bone.

"You wouldn't dare. That dog would eat you too."

The French Plane Tree said with certainty.

"It's fine. You'll be with me in hell anyway."

"When I'm boiling in a vat of oil, you can be the firewood beneath me."

He said cheerfully.

"Hmph, who wants to go to hell with you? Disgusting."

The French Plane Tree spat and withdrew its roots.

"Don't be mad. I didn't expect it to turn out like this either. I'll get you another bottle of good liquor later."

Liu Zheng soothed it.

"Cut the bullshit. Don't think I don't know what nasty schemes you're hiding."

The French Plane Tree didn't buy it.

"I want two bottles."

"Fine, fine, two bottles it is."

He readily agreed.

"Get lost, get lost, get lost. I'm sick of seeing you. Stupid human."

A root wrapped around Liu Zheng, then flung him away with all its strength.

He was launched like a cannonball and landed directly two kilometers away.

"Ow, ow, ow."

Liu Zheng touched his smashed-up backside and grimaced in pain.

"So temperamental. Do trees get periods too?"

He sat on the ground and waited for his tailbone to heal, then limped toward the Restaurant.