Chapter 33

"Costumes," Shi Jihan said, clapping his hands to quiet everyone down so they could hear Pei Mingxuan's shattered cries. "Come on, bring out that haute couture piece!"

Haute couture—just hearing it made one's heart race.

With a faint smile at the corner of his mouth, Pei Mingxuan slowly turned his head, ready to receive one huge surprise—

Holy shit, this bright red base with green peonies, this floral jacket that looked like a Spring Festival couplet come to life from afar, was my performance outfit tonight??

[Ding, Malice Points +3.24]

Zero-Zero-Zero was shocked: [Oh my god, this is the highest Malice Point contribution ever made by a random passerby!]

Pei Mingxuan sucked in a massive breath, unleashing a Category 10 typhoon that flipped the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau off the roof of the world, overturned it into the East African Great Rift Valley, rolled it all the way into the Equatorial barbecue zone, sprinkled it with Saharan cumin, and sold it to Shanghai gentlemen.

The Shanghai gentlemen said, "Get out of China."

Pei Mingxuan's pupils shook. "Who am I? Where am I? What is happening?!"

The Malice Points began chiming upward, every single ding sounding so pleasant.

Before he could react, Shi Jihan grabbed the clothes and started wrapping them around him. "Come on, hurry up and put it on. Everyone's waiting for you."

Panicked and helpless, Pei Mingxuan struggled with all his might. "No, I'm not wearing it! Director, I'm not wearing this!"

He looked as tragic as a four-hundred-pound pig.

His head poked out of the changing room, one unyielding finger pointing toward the free sky outside.

Shi Jihan forcefully pried his hand off the doorframe and dragged him back inside. "What are you being shy about? Hurry up."

Pei Mingxuan fought desperately. "No—! Let go of me!"

Outside the changing room's camera view, the viewers watched him go in and out, then out and in, in and out, safe travels. The moment half his body emerged, he was yanked back inside again, followed by miserable screams floating out from above.

Shi Jihan couldn't hold him down alone and shouted, "Stagehands, stagehands! Bring five strong guys!"

"Fuck, how can you cheat? If you've got guts, fight me one-on-one! Don't, don't lift my arms!"

Zero-Zero-Zero shouted: [Host, I'm coming to help too!]

Then he planted his butt right on Pei Mingxuan's face.

Pei Mingxuan, whose head had been struck by a mysterious force: I, I can't breathe!

[Let's wish everyone a happy new year in advance. They're slaughtering pigs at the village entrance.]

[Did this door eat someone?]

[Maybe the clothes bite.]

Half an hour later, Shi Jihan and five strong men emerged, wiping sweat away. They also dragged out the person behind them. "Come on, Teacher Pei. It's time for us to start."

A vivid blob of red and green successfully entered the scene, shuffling out slowly with his legs squeezed together, bent at the waist and hunched over in extreme embarrassment.

The other artists had long been waiting with handkerchiefs for the errenzhuan dance. A younger male artist stepped up and patted Pei Mingxuan on the back. "Brother Pei, be confident. We're here to promote folk culture."

It would have been better if he hadn't patted him. That one pat exposed Pei Mingxuan completely to everyone.

Standing there, he looked like a heated kang bed from Northeast China. Pull the camera back, and it was a New Year painting risen from the dead. Zoom in, and it was a comforter that had gained sentience.

Looking closely, there were even dancing Erfeng birds in the pattern, bouncing around the peonies like they were at a rave.

The barrage went blank for a moment, then erupted with dozens of times more "HAHAHAHAHA." One comment piled onto another, swiftly drowning him from view.

[Fuck, Pei Mingxuan, why are you so absurd? I'm dying, hahahaha.]

[Our Northeast floral padded jacket is all about international style!]

[Where the hell did this suddenly take me?]

[(Ties tie) (Takes the stage) (Bangs gongs and drums) I want to bloom, I want to sprout, I want the spring breeze and rain to go splash splash.]

[Hahaha, this design—wasn't this the outfit Shen Qinghuai designed?]

[Haute couture red-carpet gown turned into Northeast pickled cabbage? Don't say it, it actually fits.]

[Shen Qinghuai, don't look. It's a hateful comment.]

Weibo was already laughing itself crazy. The real-time feed was filled with screenshot memes contributed by netizens, and Pei's fans couldn't even keep up with controlling the comments.

Despair.JPG

At that moment, the fans finally understood the destructive power of the three words "Shi Jihan."

Pei Mingxuan covered his face with one hand, feeling like the whole world had betrayed him. "...I want to go home."

Shi Jihan said, "What's wrong? Is it not sexy enough? Didn't we specially give you a cinched-waist design?"

Mentioning that waist-pinching, butt-emphasizing sexy design now only made the viewers laugh even harder.

Everyone on set wanted to laugh too, but they held it in with all their strength, not daring to offend Pei Mingxuan.

Someone held it in for too long and let out a pig-like snort through his nose.

Shi Jihan said, "What are you being shy about? What we're going for this time is—"

He looked toward the other artists.

"Emo—tion—al—val—ue!" everyone answered loudly, humoring him.

Pei Mingxuan had already turned into a crushed popsicle.

Of course, Shi Jihan was still very conscientious. He agreed to let Pei Mingxuan promote his new song during tonight's performance, replacing the tender, wistful "Drunken Butterfly" with the hot new single from the king of hot singles.

Zero-Zero-Zero counted the huge wave of Malice Points harvested from Pei's fans and praised his host: [Host is still too kindhearted. Your character is exemplary.]

Pei Mingxuan didn't see it that way. His first reaction was, "Shi Jihan, what are you trying to do?"

Yes, he knew who this stagehand was now. He knew damn well which idiot it was!

"Helping you promote your new song," Shi Jihan said, spreading his hands. "No need to thank me too much."

"Who wants to thank you! You [beep—][beep—][beep—]!"

Pei Mingxuan sent out more than a dozen telegrams in public.

[Has he gone crazy?]

[Another one went crazy?]

[Bro, stop cursing. I'm scared.]

Shi Jihan discovered in amazement that every telegram he received raised his Malice Points a little.

A little meant ten thousand!

The main cast was like nuclear bombs with long cooldowns, but this guy had no cooldown and could fire off rapid attacks.

Pei Mingxuan no longer cared about his image on the show. After cursing himself crazy, he provocatively looked at Shi Jihan, his eyes full of Come on, hit me if you dare.

Those with nothing to lose feared nothing!

Yet a bottle of water was shoved into his hand.

Shi Jihan looked at him encouragingly. "Thirsty? Take a sip before you keep cursing. Don't tire yourself out, but don't stop either."

Pei Mingxuan:?

Pei Mingxuan:???

What a lunatic!!

After waiting for ages, Shi Jihan's eyes shifted from delight to disappointment. "Not cursing anymore? Then hurry up and perform."

He waved his hand in disgust, tossing him aside after using him.

Pei Mingxuan was so furious he nearly lost his mind. Forget promoting his new song—once the stage show started, he absolutely would not cooperate with Shi Jihan!

Wanted to see him dance? Dream on!

Pei Mingxuan swore it before going onstage.

The instant the familiar music began, muscle memory kicked in. He moved with the beat, thrusting his hips and twisting his waist through broad, energetic dance movements.

Pei Mingxuan: ...?

No, wait! Why was he dancing?!

It was already too late.

The fans covered their eyes, unable to bear such a fiery sight.

Could anyone imagine a celebrity in a tight floral padded jacket dancing sexy K-pop onstage?

The effect was even more explosive than those bean shoes doing flower-hand dances.

[...I don't want to support my brother's album anymore.]

[Stop dancing, Pei Mingxuan, please. If you keep dancing, I'm going to unstan.]

[I apologize for insulting Shi Corporation a few days ago. Shi Jihan, please spare my eyes!]

[So, after today's livestream ends, will Pei Mingxuan still be able to get luxury brand endorsements?]

[Shen Qinghuai probably never imagined in his life that his haute couture gown could be altered into this...]

No.

Shen Qinghuai saw that comment and refuted it.

As long as Shi Jihan got his hands on it, anything could be altered into anything.

He even thought the floral padded jacket was pretty good. At least it was still clothing.

The giant screen in the high-ceilinged living room was playing the reality show livestream. Shen Qinghuai turned to Shi Bochuan and said, "Why does it make me so happy that the Beagle from our house is tormenting outsiders?"

Shi Bochuan nodded in agreement. "I'm happy too."

[Ding, mission "Killing Two Birds with One Arrow" completed. Reward: Malice Points +28]

[Not enough.] Greed rose in Shi Jihan. He wanted Pei Mingxuan to send more telegrams so he could earn a little more on the side.

At current prices compared with his past life, exchanging this many Malice Points would only upgrade him from a downtown toilet to a luxurious toilet with a bathtub.

Besides, Zero-Zero-Zero was going to the Unified Realm tomorrow for a work report. The first penalty notice ordered them to return to the main plot, and the second might very well dock their money.

Shi Jihan had an excellent sense of crisis.

[Pei Mingxuan, sorry about this!]

When Pei Mingxuan came off the stage, his mind was still in a daze.

But the elderly men and women below the stage had received plenty of emotional value. The hardships of the farming season had all been laughed away.

The aunties praised Pei Mingxuan. "Young man, you danced so well. How are you so good at shaking it?"

"Come dance square dancing with us someday."

"The pattern on those clothes is so pretty. I'll get one for my Little Yellow someday too."

Pei Mingxuan rebooted. "Who's Little Yellow?"

"Woof woof!" Little Yellow enthusiastically circled around his pant legs.

[Ding, Malice Points +1.21]

Pei Mingxuan was furious. His clothes were going to be worn by a dog?!

What had that dog ever done to deserve it!

He tugged at the clothes on his body and strode toward the changing room.

Take them off! He was taking them off right now!

But the director stopped him halfway.

Pei Mingxuan looked at him darkly. "What are you doing?"

The director explained, "Teacher Pei, according to the process, we need to take your styled promotional photos first. Since you love the stage so much and couldn't wait to perform first, we couldn't really say anything. We support your choice."

He paused, facing Pei Mingxuan's pie-chart complexion—thirty percent livid, twenty percent flushed red, fifty percent deathly pale—and said, "But now, shouldn't we make up for it with a few photos?"