Anyway, I don't know, I don't even know what I think.
Half of my mind was filled with fear, fear of death, fear of never returning home, fear of never seeing my parents and brother again.
But when I close my eyes, I see the faces of those who fled. Their clothes are in tatters, their bodies are covered with injuries, they are sitting helplessly in tears at the entrance of the village.
I squatted next to the big stone mill, and the wind made the corners of my clothes whistle.
I looked at Captain Fang's calm profile, looked at the faded flag, and looked at the stacked mountains in the distance that had protected me for fifteen years.
It was a really weird moment.
I don't have any passion or enthusiasm.
I am just confused and I feel that I cannot hide from everyone.
I vaguely felt that if others could go, so could I.
I vaguely feel that my life was picked up in the first place, and I have lived for an extra fifteen years, which is enough.
I bit my dry lips, my mind was in a mess, and I subconsciously uttered a sentence.
"I'll go"
The voice was not loud, even I couldn't believe I said it.
Captain Fang was stunned for a moment and looked down at me.
"Have you thought about it? Do you want to discuss it with your family?"
I raised my head, my eyes were confused, my heart was agitated, and I was panicking, but I still nodded my head.
"No need, I decide myself"
The two soldiers next to me also stopped what they were doing and turned to look at me. Their eyes were a little more serious, and they were no longer joking when they heard my nickname.
Actually, I haven't thought it through at all.
I'm still afraid.
I still don't want to die.
I still can't bear to leave everything at home.
But I don't know why, but it just happened that I agreed.
Maybe it's because Captain Fang's sentence, no one can support it, everyone has to hit me hard.
Maybe I've seen too much of the suffering of the refugees, and my heart is filled with panic.
Or maybe he was just fifteen years old, ignorant, and his brain was hot for a while.
I can't tell, I really can't tell.
Captain Fang looked at me and patted my shoulder gently. His palms were thick and hard, with thick calluses from years of holding guns and training, but he patted me gently.
"Good boy, go back and discuss it with your family."
After saying Captain Fang hesitated for a moment and said again
"If you go there, you may not be able to come back alive."
The little bit of inexplicable courage that I had mustered up just now was completely shattered by Captain Fang saying that I might not be able to come back alive.
There is only fear in my heart, real fear.
I nodded in confusion and said
"Okay, then I'll go home and discuss it."
I walked very slowly along the way, and the dirt road under my feet was full of potholes. I kicked the pebbles on the road and dragged my feet. I even secretly regretted it in my heart, or else I would just pretend that I didn't say anything and just go home to farm and herd cattle, and live my small life peacefully.
But the words that come out of your mouth are like water that is thrown out and cannot be taken back.
By the time we got home, the sun was almost setting.
My brother was squatting by the threshold, holding a small branch, scribbling on the dirt, and mumbling something unknown.
My mother was busy cooking dinner in front of the stove, and the smoke floated into the sky around the thatched house.
Dad was still sitting on the bamboo chair in the corner of the room, covering his chest and coughing lowly from time to time.
This is a picture I have seen for fifteen years. It is stable, plain, gentle and gentle.
But today, when I stood at the gate of the courtyard, I felt like my heart was so clogged that I couldn't breathe.
I stood for a long time, clenched my hands, took several deep breaths, and then dared to walk in.
My younger brother saw me first, raised his dirty little face, and called me cheerfully
"Brother, you're back! Can you take me up the mountain to catch crickets tonight?"
When I looked at his carefree look, my throat was tight and I couldn't even smile, so I could only shake my head gently.
I walked to the stove and squatted next to my mother, my head hung low, and my voice was as low as a mosquito's hum.
"Mom, I have something to tell you and dad."
While adding firewood, my mother responded to me casually.
"What's going on? Speak slowly."
I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and said those words.
"I have agreed to join the army recruitment at the entrance of the village. I want to go to the front line to fight the Japanese."
The moment the words fell.
The crackling firewood seemed to be quiet for a moment.
The courtyard was completely silent.
My brother's painting hand stopped in mid-air, and he looked at me blankly, unable to understand the meaning of my words. He just felt that the atmosphere suddenly became so heavy.
The firewood stick in my mother's hand fell straight into the stove pit with a clatter, and sparks flew up.
She suddenly turned her head to look at me, her eyes turned red instantly, her whole body froze, and she couldn't believe her ears.
"Dog Leftover, what did you say?"
I didn't dare to raise my head to look into her eyes. I stared at the soil under my feet and said it again.
"I signed up and I'm going to be a soldier."
This time, my mother heard clearly
She panicked in an instant, stretched out her hand and grabbed my arm tightly, her fingers trembling with force, her eyes instantly filled with tears, and her voice sounded like crying.
"Don't go! I won't let you go!"
She has never been so cruel to me.
Growing up, when I was naughty and naughty, I broke my skin when I went up the mountain, or got covered in mud when I went down to the river. She always scolded me in a soft voice and was reluctant to say a word again.
But today, her eyes were red, she held my hand and refused to let go, and her whole body was shaking.
"People will die in war! You are only fifteen years old! You are still a child!"
"It's too late for others to hide, so why are you still moving forward? Are you stupid?"
My mother's tears fell down in big drops and hit the back of my hand, burning hot.
My heart felt sour and astringent, my nose twitched, and I almost shed tears, but I gritted my teeth and did not dare to cry.
The father in the corner of the room, who had been coughing intermittently, suddenly became violent.
He clutched his chest and coughed violently. His body was shaking from the cough, his face was pale, and he couldn't even breathe.
He held on to the armrests of the chair and looked up at me with great effort, his eyes full of weakness and despair.
"Dog Leftover, you are not allowed to go"
His voice was extremely hoarse, and every word came out with great effort.
"You are the only one who can work in our family. My father is disabled and your brother is still young. If you leave, this family will collapse."
"You can't believe what those who are soldiers say! You will almost die on the front line, but if you go there, you will die!"
I know they are right.
All correct.
My father is seriously ill, my mother is weak, and my brother is young. This family depends entirely on me.
If I were gone, this family would really fall apart.
My mother knelt down, held my hands, and cried until she was out of breath.
"Mom, I don't ask you to be rich or famous, I just want you to live in peace, stay at home and farm the land, okay? Let's hide in the mountains, don't go out, let's accept our fate, okay?"
I looked at the tears on my mother's face, at my father's weak and coughing appearance, and at my brother's bewildered little face.
Most of the vague persistence in my heart collapsed in an instant.
Yes, why do I have to die?
I'm afraid of death, I'm really afraid.
I just want to protect my home, my parents and my brothers, and this stable mountain.
I almost blurted out, I won't go.
But in his mind, the images of those fleeing people flashed across his mind.
His body was covered with scars, his family was broken up, and he sat at the entrance of the village holding his dead child, unable to cry.
I remembered the words of Captain Fang again - everyone hides, no one attacks, and in the end everyone will die.
I squatted on the ground, surrounded by my parents. On one side was the family that gave birth to me and raised me. They were my closest relatives and my stable life.
On one side are strangers who have never met before, the distant flames of war, and the road ahead of a narrow escape.
I was in a dilemma, my head hurt so much it was about to explode.
My brother finally seemed to understand and knew that I was going to a very far and dangerous place.
He trotted over, hugged my arm tightly, put his little face on my sleeve, and shouted with a cry
"Brother, don't go! Don't go! Who will take me out of the bird's nest and buy me candies when you leave?"
The cry of a child is the purest and most heartbreaking.
I looked down at my brother who was holding me and refused to let go, at my mother who was shaking all over from crying, and at my father who couldn't stop coughing and wheezing.
Tears finally couldn't help but fall.
I don't want to go, I don't want to go, I'm scared
(Everyone who wrote this may think that there is no such kind of family and country justice, but how to put it, everyone at the bottom of that era lived a very numb life, and we are actually used to that kind of more positive image, but I think this should be the attitude of the most common people at the bottom of that era towards this matter)