I'm scared, I'm really scared.
After I was cried by my parents and held in my arms by my brother, the impulse I had in my heart completely disappeared.
What about protecting the home and country, what about not being able to hide from everyone, are all gone.
I didn't mention being a soldier again that night.
My parents didn't dare to force me, they just stared at me all night long, as if they were afraid that I would turn around and run away secretly.
My brother clung to me all night. He would sleep next to me, and his little hands would hold on to the corners of my clothes.
From that day on, I never dared to go to the village entrance again.
On weekdays, I deliberately avoid that area when grazing cattle, cutting grass, and chopping firewood.
I'm afraid, I'm afraid of seeing Captain Fang, I'm afraid of seeing those soldiers.
I feel ashamed.
The day before, I muddleheadedly opened my mouth and said I would go, and I nodded in agreement. They also gave me the serious name Wang Lei.
When I got home and my parents cried, I retreated.
I am just the most common Dog Leftover in the mountains. I am timid, cherish my life, and just want to guard a third of an acre of land.
Every time I heard voices and movements coming from the village entrance from a distance, I subconsciously hid in the mountains.
Even if we are just chatting with ordinary villagers, I feel guilty and always feel like others are looking at me and laughing at me.
The days passed peacefully for two or three days.
I don't think about the conscription or the war. I feed the cows, go to the fields, and work as usual every day.
But there is always a question stuck in my mind, and I can't figure it out.
I was afraid of death and I didn't dare to go. Everyone in the village was afraid and hid.
So why aren't they afraid?
Captain Fang They are also human beings.
They also have parents and families, and they are also living flesh and blood bodies. They will die if they are shot, and they will be broken into pieces if they are bombed.
Why do they sit at the entrance of the village every day, safe and sound, not hiding, not running away, not afraid?
They clearly know that people died on the front lines and that they had a narrow escape from death. They clearly know better than us how scary artillery fire is.
But there was no panic or evasion on their faces. They packed things as usual, persuaded the villagers as usual, and waited for people to sign up as usual.
The more I thought about it, the more curious I became, and the more I thought about it, the more panicked I became.
It's natural for me, a fifteen-year-old mountain boy, to be afraid of death.
But they are not very old, so why are they not afraid?
This question bothered me for three whole days, and it made me feel so uncomfortable that I couldn't help but lose focus in whatever I was doing.
Finally, I couldn't hold it in any longer.
I'm going to ask clearly.
Even if it's embarrassing, even if it's embarrassing, even if someone laughs at me and I go back on my word, I still have to ask a question.
In the afternoon of this day, while my parents were taking a lunch break in the house, my younger brother was playing with picking up stones at Back Mountain.
I hesitated, stopping three times a step, and slowly moved towards the entrance of the village.
My heart was agitated and my palms were sweaty.
From a distance, I saw the big stone.
Still the same.
Captain Fang is still leaning on the roller, holding a cigarette in his hand, smoking slowly, looking at the mountains in the distance with quiet eyes
The two soldiers next to them lowered their heads and packed their bags, quietly and without speaking.
The sunlight fell on them, dull and dull, not at all as dramatic as I imagined.
They don't look like people who are willing to fight or die.
I stood far away and took several deep breaths, my legs felt a little weak.
After hesitating for a long time, he finally plucked up the courage, lowered his head, and walked over step by step.
When I got closer, Captain Fang looked at me with a smile.
I felt uncomfortable looking at him, my toes kept rubbing against the dirt, my face felt hot, and I didn't dare to speak for a long time.
It was obviously me who came here to ask questions, but when I stood in front of him, I was scared again.
After being silent for a while, I spoke in a low voice like a mosquito.
"Captain Fang"
"Why are you here again?"
His voice was very soft, with a gentle smile
I clenched my fists, gritted my teeth, and finally asked the question I had been holding back for three days.
"You go to the front line to fight. People will obviously die. Aren't you afraid?"
After asking this question, my heart suddenly felt empty.
I looked straight at him, waiting for his answer.
I really want to know, why are you not afraid? Why do you dare to go?
Captain Fang After hearing my question, he was stunned for a moment, and then he laughed softly.
He put down the cigarette in his hand, stretched out his hand and rubbed my head, his palms were broad and warm, and the force was very light.
"Afraid, why aren't you afraid?"
He smiled calmly, without hiding it at all, and his eyes were clean.
"Boy, did you go home and think about it for two days? The more you thought about it, the more you became afraid and didn't dare to come?"
His words touched my heart, my face instantly turned red, and my ears were so hot that they were about to smoke.
I originally felt that I was extremely embarrassed, but when he pointed it out, I felt so embarrassed that I wanted to find a crack in the ground and crawl into it.
I lowered my head, staring at the toes of my mud-stained cloth shoes, digging my fingers into the corners of my clothes, and nodded honestly.
"Well, I'm scared."
The voice was thin, a little aggrieved, but also a little frank.
"I'm afraid of death"
I'm not afraid of being embarrassed anymore, I really am not afraid anymore.
I am just a kid who works in the mountains. I have never read a book and don't understand the truth. I only know that living is the best, and if I die, I will lose everything.
The two soldiers packing their luggage next to me also stopped and turned to look at me quietly. No one laughed at me or made fun of me.
The wind blew gently through the big trees at the entrance of the village, making the leaves rustle.
Captain Fang put away his smile, became more serious, and still pressed the top of my head gently.
"You silly boy, it's not shameful to be afraid of death. I'm afraid, and so are they. Of all the soldiers in the team, there's no one who's not afraid of death."
I raised my head suddenly and looked at him blankly, my eyes full of confusion.
If you are afraid, then why go?
The doubts in my heart were all written on my face.
Captain Fang looked at my confused look and spoke slowly, his voice was very soft, but every word fell into my heart.
"We are all afraid. We are afraid of bleeding, afraid of pain, afraid of never seeing our family members again, but we are even more afraid of another thing."
I stared at him blankly and subconsciously asked
"What are you afraid of?"
He looked at the stacks of green mountains in the distance and our peaceful village, and his eyes darkened.
"We are afraid that if we hide, if we are afraid, we will not go, in the end, you children in the mountains, parents at home, and ignorant children will all die for us."
My whole body froze in place instantly.
My mind buzzed and went completely blank.
He continued to speak, his words were very simple and without any sense.
"I also have a family, I also have parents, and I also want to farm, eat, and live a peaceful life at home. Who doesn't want to live a good life? But there must be someone who is afraid of hardships and hardships, and has to bear the fear of death.
It is a lie that we are not afraid of death, but it is true that we dare not retreat."
I stood there, listening to his words, and my heart seemed to be severely blocked by something, sore and swollen, and my eyes instantly became hot.
It turns out that they are not afraid.
Even if they are scared to death, they can only move forward.
It turns out that the stable days I spent hiding at home, the safety of my parents, and the carefree time my brother spent playing in the mud were all made possible by a group of people outside who were trembling with fear and desperately carried it out for me.
I was foolishly glad before. I was lucky that the mountains were remote and the war could not burn me.
I foolishly thought that others would die for others, so I could just live well.
But at this moment I finally understood.
I can be cowardly because there are people who stand up for me and not be cowardly.
I am afraid of death because someone is walking forward under the gunfire for me.
Captain Fang looked down at me, looked at my red eyes, and sighed softly.
"You are only fifteen years old, and it is normal to be afraid. You would be afraid of anyone else, so I won't force you, and I don't blame you for regretting it.
It is also a good thing for you to farm the land well at home, be filial to your parents, raise your brother well, and live a stable life."
After he finished speaking, he picked up the cigarette again without another word of advice.
But I stood in the wind, and my heart was completely confused.
The vague impulse I had a few days ago didn't disappear, it just sank and was hidden.
Now, with these few words, I read it again.
I'm afraid, I'm really afraid.
But I'm more afraid
I hid in the mountains all my life and lived peacefully until I was old. In my last life, I remember that everyone was working hard to protect our country, but I was the only one who stayed at home, greedy for life and afraid of death.
I will look down on myself all my life, but I am still afraid of death